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Original poster

Boyfriend strange with money

534 replies

Midfortiescamb · 08/07/2026 23:00

My boyfriend is confusing me. Been together about 1.5 years, both 47, divorced. I have three kids, shared custody, he has two who are 15 and 12 and he sees every other weekend. He's lovely with my kids and easy to be around, bit over chatty but fine. He's generally kind and patient and has gotten over pushing us to live together which was driven by the fact that he hates paying rent but has now put an offer in on buying his own house. There's a money issue though and I've tried to be fair and patient...on our first date he didn't take his card out to pay, so I did and he later said he liked that I didn't expect him to pay (I didn't tbh but told myself why should the man pay). He paid for our second date in a simple Vietnamese place but I could feel his tension shuffling his cards choosing which one. But he was sweet so we carried on. Our first road trip he drove so I offered petrol money, he accepted and from then on it was clear I'd pay half for petrol. Meals were always split. I spoiled him as I like to on his bday in a lovely restaurant and gifts etc. On my bday he got me a pair of earrings on sale on Etsy which were pretty and took me to a restaurant but tensely said 'is this the kind of place you get starters' so I obviously said no need and only got a cheap main. He told me the other part of my gift was he'd take me for a hike and I wouldn't have to pay half for petrol. He cried a bit the next morning after I was honest after he asked me were the gifts not good and I gently said that petrol thing wasn't really normal. A few weeks later when he said he wanted to see me so would go to his fave Chinese on the way and bring it to mine without offering to get me some I calmly told him I'm struggling with this constant splitting of things, he should trust that I'm not after his money and I took him out to celebrate his new job etc. I am a generous person. To make up for the bday he bought me flowers but mentioned how they're good value in Morrissons, where they were from. Fast forward to this bday coming up in two weeks...I was honestly so nervous about him spoiling it so I booked myself a cottage in Wales for a couple of days and it hurt him but I told him to please not take it personally. My ex husband upset me on my bdays and I could do with a couple of days to myself but really, I know boyfriend isn't good at romance and I couldn't face another awkward meal. Anyway, twice over the last few weeks he has mentioned how he budgeted for my present (a hot water bottle) last month so this month he's budgeting for the meal. He earns £50k and only gives his ex wife the amount the child support calculator asks of him which is around £200 ish per month, he says because she gets children's allowance: not my business but I do think kids cost more and his daughter is autistic so needs therapy. Anyway, he then asked whether I want to go to the restaurants i took him to on my bday, I said, please - you choose. He said 'I'll just take you to the one you took me to'. I said to him, my love, please can we just not do bdays, anniversaries, Xmas (he got me a five pack of socks)...let's free ourselves, there's something awkward/tense with money and its making me uncomfortable, feeling like work/burden. He got very upset and said he couldn't feel more hurt or empty and is now not really talking to me! Its been 2 days. I told him he'd never expressed any kind of excitement about my bday and I just don't want this heaviness. There are just so many money orientated odd things...like he bought me pink salt and I said it was lovely and he said '£1'. I know his ex wife said he was controlling about money but he said she expected him to be the bread winner and was financially abusive: obviously I don't know the full story. It all just feels so awkward and I don't like how he's gone cold. Otherwise he's very affectionate and sweet....not selfish in bed but a bit predictable. Anyway....thoughts?

OP posts:
AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 10/07/2026 22:00

Midfortiescamb · 08/07/2026 23:09

Thank you so much. This is why I told him no more and was very unimpressed when I messaged this evening just to ask if his silence was him taking space or him thinking I needed space and all he said was he was thinking and taking time to himself and didn't say anything nice to me. It says a lot.

Show quote history

But, it's not a very good relationship if, with a year and a half in, you want to abandon any and all gifts and kind gestures (which he doesn't seem capable of doing).

Just end it, for your sake and his. He will always try to squeeze a pound out of a pence, so move on to kinder pastures.

Findingithardnow · 10/07/2026 22:07

Sorry but £50K and £200 a month in child support doesn't seem right. £30K is arlund £250 a month for 1 child.

localnotail · 10/07/2026 22:31

Findingithardnow · 10/07/2026 22:07

Sorry but £50K and £200 a month in child support doesn't seem right. £30K is arlund £250 a month for 1 child.

It depends on how many nights a month child spends at his place. The tight fucker probably makes sure he get his kid to stay overnight as much as possible.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 10/07/2026 22:33

Ex wife was financially abusive? He means she actually expected him to pay for things. He’ll be saying the same about you soon enough.

I wouldn’t waste time with a man like this. He’s cheap and miserly. What a turn off.

Findingithardnow · 10/07/2026 22:39

localnotail · 10/07/2026 22:31

It depends on how many nights a month child spends at his place. The tight fucker probably makes sure he get his kid to stay overnight as much as possible.

Show quote history

Possibly right there, but sure she will get to see what he says as well. I wouldn't be agreeing if he'd lied.

But certainly something wrong with his finances

joyers · 10/07/2026 23:06

Midfortiescamb · 08/07/2026 23:00

My boyfriend is confusing me. Been together about 1.5 years, both 47, divorced. I have three kids, shared custody, he has two who are 15 and 12 and he sees every other weekend. He's lovely with my kids and easy to be around, bit over chatty but fine. He's generally kind and patient and has gotten over pushing us to live together which was driven by the fact that he hates paying rent but has now put an offer in on buying his own house. There's a money issue though and I've tried to be fair and patient...on our first date he didn't take his card out to pay, so I did and he later said he liked that I didn't expect him to pay (I didn't tbh but told myself why should the man pay). He paid for our second date in a simple Vietnamese place but I could feel his tension shuffling his cards choosing which one. But he was sweet so we carried on. Our first road trip he drove so I offered petrol money, he accepted and from then on it was clear I'd pay half for petrol. Meals were always split. I spoiled him as I like to on his bday in a lovely restaurant and gifts etc. On my bday he got me a pair of earrings on sale on Etsy which were pretty and took me to a restaurant but tensely said 'is this the kind of place you get starters' so I obviously said no need and only got a cheap main. He told me the other part of my gift was he'd take me for a hike and I wouldn't have to pay half for petrol. He cried a bit the next morning after I was honest after he asked me were the gifts not good and I gently said that petrol thing wasn't really normal. A few weeks later when he said he wanted to see me so would go to his fave Chinese on the way and bring it to mine without offering to get me some I calmly told him I'm struggling with this constant splitting of things, he should trust that I'm not after his money and I took him out to celebrate his new job etc. I am a generous person. To make up for the bday he bought me flowers but mentioned how they're good value in Morrissons, where they were from. Fast forward to this bday coming up in two weeks...I was honestly so nervous about him spoiling it so I booked myself a cottage in Wales for a couple of days and it hurt him but I told him to please not take it personally. My ex husband upset me on my bdays and I could do with a couple of days to myself but really, I know boyfriend isn't good at romance and I couldn't face another awkward meal. Anyway, twice over the last few weeks he has mentioned how he budgeted for my present (a hot water bottle) last month so this month he's budgeting for the meal. He earns £50k and only gives his ex wife the amount the child support calculator asks of him which is around £200 ish per month, he says because she gets children's allowance: not my business but I do think kids cost more and his daughter is autistic so needs therapy. Anyway, he then asked whether I want to go to the restaurants i took him to on my bday, I said, please - you choose. He said 'I'll just take you to the one you took me to'. I said to him, my love, please can we just not do bdays, anniversaries, Xmas (he got me a five pack of socks)...let's free ourselves, there's something awkward/tense with money and its making me uncomfortable, feeling like work/burden. He got very upset and said he couldn't feel more hurt or empty and is now not really talking to me! Its been 2 days. I told him he'd never expressed any kind of excitement about my bday and I just don't want this heaviness. There are just so many money orientated odd things...like he bought me pink salt and I said it was lovely and he said '£1'. I know his ex wife said he was controlling about money but he said she expected him to be the bread winner and was financially abusive: obviously I don't know the full story. It all just feels so awkward and I don't like how he's gone cold. Otherwise he's very affectionate and sweet....not selfish in bed but a bit predictable. Anyway....thoughts?

I get a vibe he could be on the spectrum, light autism perhaps, which is why he doesnt really catch your drift when it comes to your repeated declaration of emotions. Bringing it up once is enough and vulnerable on your behalf, but instead doesn't sound like there's too much change there. It sounds like he means well, he does, but he clearly has some kind of personal issues surrounding money maybe stemming from his parents, or likely trust issues with his ex wife. I think its good you make barriers but those restaurant and gift value items are tough. It sounds like he's just trying to be honest at all times and look financially responsible in a way. Everything sounds like a budget to him. Is he irrational with money in anyway? Or is everything on a spreadsheet. I'd say youre in control of it and sound smart. Keep an eye on it. No apology needed whne you've opened up. Let him come to you or if he doesnt understand the silence and asks for more context, lay it down even heavier to get through to him as best as possible. But make sure he gets it, or he'll think youre being rude.

SweetBaklava · 10/07/2026 23:09

Sodthesystem · 08/07/2026 23:19

Life lesson:If he doesn’t pay (not offer to pay, not umm and aww for a bit then pay, just PAY) on date one, bin.him.off.

Don’t date losers.

This!

croydon15 · 10/07/2026 23:20

Minasama · 08/07/2026 23:10

Did he grow up in a home where money was tight? That sits very deep within and it can be very difficult to get past the instinctive “never spending money on anything but essentials” that you grew up with. Particularly on £50K which doesn’t go at all far these days if he’s buying a house.,

For birthdays, rather than saying you don’t want to celebrate which seems very strong, why not tell him what you want to do and what you’d like as a present. I remember my husband being upset that I didn’t know what to get him - he came from a family that had five times the household income we had growing up, where extravagant gift giving was normal. I don’t come from that, but my home was very loving and thoughtful. I’d have been so upset if he’d just told me not to bother, I wasn’t intentionally getting it wrong. Now I earn a lot and just fling money at it, it seems to satisfy him but to me is desperately shallow.

It may just be that this is too big an issue for you and you need to be with someone who has more money.,

Edited

This - l don't think it's necessarily meanness, he probably has not got a lot of spare cash on £50k after paying maintenance, rent etc
He could cook you a lovely meal if short of cash instead of taking you out, small gestures can mean a lot

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 10/07/2026 23:34

croydon15 · 10/07/2026 23:20

This - l don't think it's necessarily meanness, he probably has not got a lot of spare cash on £50k after paying maintenance, rent etc
He could cook you a lovely meal if short of cash instead of taking you out, small gestures can mean a lot

Show quote history

If you have to train an adult man how to behave like a decent himan, you're on a hiding to nothing.

Women need to raise their bar for men from where it is currently - which is in hell, it's that low.

WhaatNext · 10/07/2026 23:55

It sounds like he has autistic tendencies. You need to tell him what you expect of him because he can't figure it out himself.

Whowhenwhat · 11/07/2026 00:02

I really wish people would stop diagnosing this man as autistic. Does autism make you an awful parent who doesn't pay enough maintenance for their children?

FairKoala · 11/07/2026 00:13

He sounds like he is 15 and struggling to pay for a gf’s birthday present with money from his new paper round job.

Instead he is a grown man with a child and he thinks child benefit + £200 covers the cost of a child and doesn’t think that he should help pay for anything extra.

That alone is reason enough to dump him. That is just plain mean and nasty

PeoplesNet · 11/07/2026 00:30

Midfortiescamb · 08/07/2026 23:00

My boyfriend is confusing me. Been together about 1.5 years, both 47, divorced. I have three kids, shared custody, he has two who are 15 and 12 and he sees every other weekend. He's lovely with my kids and easy to be around, bit over chatty but fine. He's generally kind and patient and has gotten over pushing us to live together which was driven by the fact that he hates paying rent but has now put an offer in on buying his own house. There's a money issue though and I've tried to be fair and patient...on our first date he didn't take his card out to pay, so I did and he later said he liked that I didn't expect him to pay (I didn't tbh but told myself why should the man pay). He paid for our second date in a simple Vietnamese place but I could feel his tension shuffling his cards choosing which one. But he was sweet so we carried on. Our first road trip he drove so I offered petrol money, he accepted and from then on it was clear I'd pay half for petrol. Meals were always split. I spoiled him as I like to on his bday in a lovely restaurant and gifts etc. On my bday he got me a pair of earrings on sale on Etsy which were pretty and took me to a restaurant but tensely said 'is this the kind of place you get starters' so I obviously said no need and only got a cheap main. He told me the other part of my gift was he'd take me for a hike and I wouldn't have to pay half for petrol. He cried a bit the next morning after I was honest after he asked me were the gifts not good and I gently said that petrol thing wasn't really normal. A few weeks later when he said he wanted to see me so would go to his fave Chinese on the way and bring it to mine without offering to get me some I calmly told him I'm struggling with this constant splitting of things, he should trust that I'm not after his money and I took him out to celebrate his new job etc. I am a generous person. To make up for the bday he bought me flowers but mentioned how they're good value in Morrissons, where they were from. Fast forward to this bday coming up in two weeks...I was honestly so nervous about him spoiling it so I booked myself a cottage in Wales for a couple of days and it hurt him but I told him to please not take it personally. My ex husband upset me on my bdays and I could do with a couple of days to myself but really, I know boyfriend isn't good at romance and I couldn't face another awkward meal. Anyway, twice over the last few weeks he has mentioned how he budgeted for my present (a hot water bottle) last month so this month he's budgeting for the meal. He earns £50k and only gives his ex wife the amount the child support calculator asks of him which is around £200 ish per month, he says because she gets children's allowance: not my business but I do think kids cost more and his daughter is autistic so needs therapy. Anyway, he then asked whether I want to go to the restaurants i took him to on my bday, I said, please - you choose. He said 'I'll just take you to the one you took me to'. I said to him, my love, please can we just not do bdays, anniversaries, Xmas (he got me a five pack of socks)...let's free ourselves, there's something awkward/tense with money and its making me uncomfortable, feeling like work/burden. He got very upset and said he couldn't feel more hurt or empty and is now not really talking to me! Its been 2 days. I told him he'd never expressed any kind of excitement about my bday and I just don't want this heaviness. There are just so many money orientated odd things...like he bought me pink salt and I said it was lovely and he said '£1'. I know his ex wife said he was controlling about money but he said she expected him to be the bread winner and was financially abusive: obviously I don't know the full story. It all just feels so awkward and I don't like how he's gone cold. Otherwise he's very affectionate and sweet....not selfish in bed but a bit predictable. Anyway....thoughts?

Omg get rid! Feel so sad reading this. How did he even land a woman behaving like this??

FairKoala · 11/07/2026 03:09

Findingithardnow · 10/07/2026 22:07

Sorry but £50K and £200 a month in child support doesn't seem right. £30K is arlund £250 a month for 1 child.

I think he should be paying more

I re-read the post and think that he deducts the child benefit amount from what he is supposed to pay.

He is tight with money and embarrassing

Dump and run for the hills and find a man who likes to earn money and will spend it on you creating a future with you and not adding up what is the least amount of money he can get away with spending on you against how much money he can extract from you

femfemlicious · 11/07/2026 07:29

You could enjoy the relationship but don't see it as long term. If he has gone cold...let him go.....

Imbusytodaysorry · 11/07/2026 07:47

@Midfortiescamb he is not a team player. His priorities are himself . He will take but not give . He would have lived rent free with you and accepts gifts , I think he sounds a little manipulating .
He turns it around that women are money grabbers however its ok for him .
He punishes you by crying and ruining your special days . Then he goes off and punishes you more with the silent treatment because you dared point out his behaviour and that it’s not acceptable .

I wouldn’t be wasting any more birthdays being miserable . Id rather be alone and enjoy treating myself , seems you do too.

Happytorepeatmyself · 11/07/2026 08:22

femfemlicious · 11/07/2026 07:29

You could enjoy the relationship but don't see it as long term. If he has gone cold...let him go.....

Where’s the enjoyment in this?!

femfemlicious · 11/07/2026 08:47

Happytorepeatmyself · 11/07/2026 08:22

Where’s the enjoyment in this?!

Show quote history

Well she seems to enjoy the relationship apart from his attitude to money

TheThirteenthFairy · 11/07/2026 09:18

He told you he budgeted for a hot water bottle. It was a gift for you and he budgeted for it.

Wickedlittledancer · 11/07/2026 09:40

TheThirteenthFairy · 11/07/2026 09:18

He told you he budgeted for a hot water bottle. It was a gift for you and he budgeted for it.

Yeah he’s skint, he’s lying about his earnings, no one not skint has to budget for a hot water bottle.

impartialusername · 11/07/2026 09:53

People like this are inherently scrooges.
They can’t change. I’ve dated men like this and had friendships with people like this. You’re just incompatible. Some people genuinely live their lives like this and hate to part with money as it brings them no joy.
it’s not about upbringing being poor etc as many people grow up poor but don’t become scrooges.
I can’t get behind people like this that value having a bank balance over experiences/ joy with loved ones.
These people are often happy to take gifts and money from others but begrudge any spending themselves. Life is too short to be with someone so incompatible with your values!
I also wouldn’t be surprised if he has insane amounts of money saved.. usually the case!

localnotail · 11/07/2026 10:11

joyers · 10/07/2026 23:06

I get a vibe he could be on the spectrum, light autism perhaps, which is why he doesnt really catch your drift when it comes to your repeated declaration of emotions. Bringing it up once is enough and vulnerable on your behalf, but instead doesn't sound like there's too much change there. It sounds like he means well, he does, but he clearly has some kind of personal issues surrounding money maybe stemming from his parents, or likely trust issues with his ex wife. I think its good you make barriers but those restaurant and gift value items are tough. It sounds like he's just trying to be honest at all times and look financially responsible in a way. Everything sounds like a budget to him. Is he irrational with money in anyway? Or is everything on a spreadsheet. I'd say youre in control of it and sound smart. Keep an eye on it. No apology needed whne you've opened up. Let him come to you or if he doesnt understand the silence and asks for more context, lay it down even heavier to get through to him as best as possible. But make sure he gets it, or he'll think youre being rude.

Show quote history

Why all the analysis and desire to understand why he is like this? He is clearly aware of what he is doing. He is impossible to live with because of his extreme tightness and gets defensive if this is brought up, its up to him to work on why his behaviour is unpleasant. He would benefit from people being blunt with him and refusing to accept it.

FourSevenFour · 11/07/2026 11:12

If he is great in everything else, I can imagine agreeing to token gifts.

And, maybe setting a shared account with a small budget for trips, meals, fun where you put money in each and use them together.

I can't tell whether he has real problem with money, or is just awkward.
With my DP we were both a bit awkward, hating the payment dances but too much mathematicians to let things go. Once we established the shared account, all awkwardness dissapeared.

bigboykitty · 11/07/2026 11:39

FourSevenFour · 11/07/2026 11:12

If he is great in everything else, I can imagine agreeing to token gifts.

And, maybe setting a shared account with a small budget for trips, meals, fun where you put money in each and use them together.

I can't tell whether he has real problem with money, or is just awkward.
With my DP we were both a bit awkward, hating the payment dances but too much mathematicians to let things go. Once we established the shared account, all awkwardness dissapeared.

He's already doing token gifts. Where else is there to go? A packet of polos?

QuiteOpinionatedActually · 11/07/2026 11:39

Meanness is very unattractive in a man. I would definitely run a mile