Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

@paltandsepper

"she knows me and she knows I'd never ever try to upset her on purpose... It's as if she almost wants it to be true so she can continue to use it against me."

It sounds as if she has her own demons to wrestle and maybe needs to look into that as it is spoiling her relationships.

Anyway. I hope you can have a relaxing (or busy!) sunny weekend. The birthday party is over, but it did show you that a lot of people are happy to see you. Plan some nice things to do over the next few weeks. x

I've just realised I was talking shit before. Not all my crappy ex partners had a chip on their shoulder. All they had in common was this: they made me responsible for their feelings, and their feeling were never stable. The reasons for this varied wildly, from addiction to childhood trauma to mental instability. But the effect on me was the same.

It's so hard to "drop the rope" when you feel you must hold it tight to ensure someone's well-being. And they make you feel that you are the very centre of their universe, which I suppose is oddly flattering although it comes at a heavy price.

Another thing I remember reading - years ago, I think when I was a teen - was "No one can put you down without your consent." It's the same principle with taking on responsibility for regulating other people's emotions and lives: they can only do it because at some level we actually think that's our job. I suppose because in childhood, our very survival seemed to depend on it.

Even now, in my mid-60s, when I read "You are not responsible for someone else's happiness," I can accept it logically but it doesn't do me any good. It's like those quantum physics theories that apparently are true but make no sense intuitively.

However hard I try, and however much I'm aware of it, I still default to this "ah yes, let me pick up the pieces for you and knit you back together" mode. I'm probably stuck with it for life. But through a gradual culling process, I no longer have people in my life who press those buttons.

But what would I actually do with that information? Act like all was okay (I did do this to an extent)? Tell my friends who asked that I had no idea what was wrong with her she was just huffing for no palpable reason (they'd all then think bad of her which I know isn't my problem really but it kind of is)?

Hmm another sign you're in an abusive relationship is that instinct to protect a partner from other people's judgement. You know it's bullshit, but you're not allowed to say so because that breaks the tacit contract between you, that it's your job to look after her.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with shrugging our shoulders and saying "No idea, s/he's just being a wanker." Of course, we don't. But the reasons we don't just point to the problem. And it's not our problem. Or at least, it's only our problem for as long as we believe it is. That's what I meant when I said the bars of the cage are not real.

Sorry to bang on, but I forgot to mention the good news!

...which is that if we stop accepting this role, and just let go, they soon move on and find someone else to lean on. There are plenty of us suckers around 😜

With these relationships you firstly lie to yourself, and then to others

stop lying! When asked why your soon to be ex is behaving like this, sulking etc, answer “I have no idea”

also tell this woman that she’s ruining your night and if she doesn’t want to be there, that she can of course go home/leave

rhe making you apologise months afterwards for some non-issue, is a weapon

my abusive ex used to do this. It’s torture.

tell her you’ve apologised already and you’re not going to again. Tell her to deal with it. She’s using it as a stick to beat you with and that’s not acceptable

fgs, you HAVE to bin this woman

I think she most definitely does. You're right there.

That is true, I do truly appreciate other people who I have in my life. I may attract the wrong ones into relationships but friendships have gone okay! Thank you. When I think of planning nice things, I just want to be at home, on my own but with my dog (sad but true)!😆

Thank you for taking the time to type that, and your last sentence is my aim. I seem to have managed it up until this happened with DP, maybe I was just lucky rather than it having been a conscious effort. I'd been single for some time. My relationship before that was wrong on all sorts of levels but nothing like this one has been. I am definitely aiming to not invite it in again.

I haven't seen her since, and nothing has come up. Every interaction (phone, messages) has been pleasant. I don't know if this is a 'best behaviour' thing perhaps knowing she went too far with the birthday. I did find though, that the thought of sex with her again is difficult now, like I have become afraid in some way.

I have sourced some low-cost EMDR just from an online group I am in, a trainee is offering sessions at a low rate. Maybe that'll help! But I am a bit rubbish at it. She's asked me to think up some childhood memories to work on, and while my Dad made my life very difficult, and there are many memories that may have had an effect, I cannot pinpoint one or other that are very significant, it was more an all day every day thing, or just the fear and tip-toeing around daily. I don't know that one (or several even) memories particularly stand out.

Sorry just re-read, yes, I absolutely could say 'she's just being a wanker' 😆but, that's really just not me at all, maybe it should be?Maybe my friends who like me for who I am would not be so keen to see me if I was the sort of person who'd do that? I think avoidance is the way forward for me now, definitely. And I do like that the 'bars of the cage aren't real'. I think that's a great motto for a lot of situations!

Sorry, my language not yours 🤪 but I hope you can see what I meant!

Just translate it into something more your style e.g. "She's just being a bit silly."

No need to apologise! Sometimes I WISH I was the sort of person who could say things like that! 😄

@paltandsepper
I am not a jealous person, and generally am fairly self-sufficient and not insecure. But I must admit - if I were in a fairly new relationship, where an ex from 10 years ago was still around (as you ex is, by your description) - I'd not be happy. I may not have expressed it the way your gf does - but I'd certainly think, something was not right. And it'd probably made me reluctant to progress with you, before you stepped back from ex, signalling to me that you respect and understand my feelings.

I do too keep in touch with some of my Exes. Admittedly, not the ones that were abusive, rather the ones where there was a deeper friendship and connection, that just didn't work out as relationships. And I can help them out - or they help me, etc. But I'd never subject a person I am dating to interacting with my Exes.

It's just not needed. And people can feel a range of emotions - especially when they are in an early relationship with you, while Ex knew you for a long time, etc.

I don't know what this means for your current relationship. I did not read the whole thread - but saw that people quickly started calling her controlling, etc.
I disagree. I understand what she may feel. And also - in the way you speak about ex and current partner - you sound somewhat robotic and detached. I do think that you emotional/empathetic gauge is not sensitive, so your gf must be feeling insecure.

I'd also say - if a woman posted about her MALE partner having his ex of 10years who was abusive in his life in the way you described (+birthday invite) - MN would have screamed - Red Flag, run.

It's also interesting that you haven't considered simply uninviting ex our of respect to your gf's feelings and went straight to cancelling.

Sorry, why is it different if a woman posts about her female partner?

Women don't tend to murder their partners. The power dynamic and level of violence is different.

Domestic abuse is bad in any relationship.

But let's not pretend it's exactly the same considering the rate that women who die at the hands of male partners and ex-partners.

I am very much aware of that unfortunate fact and before I came out I was subject to it (and as a child). I guess the PP meant that I would have more people telling me to leave my DP had she been male. A lot did regardless though.

Edit, realised I didn't actually address that post.

I do type in a factual way, I am a clinician who has done some academic writing and I guess it is ingrained. I don't think it reflects on how I am toward people in real life, and I also do it purposely because being overly-emotional would not have gained me any sympathy I am sure! But also, it was a long post and I tried to keep it factual (as well as when responding). I am generally a very emotional person however. This situation had me very shaken up and worried for everyone involved. I do empathise with her situation with this birthday thing, however I would never in a million years address a situation with the same stance that DP had. I couldn't bear to have my partner as upset as I was, over something (I see as) totally avoidable. I have been around her and her ex a few times and all was fine, didn't bother me at all, I know they're friends and nothing else.

@paltandsepper I very much suspect you are correct about the “best behaviour” thing. She knows she over-did it on some level and is playing nice until the heat dies down a bit.

but I think - I hope - given the development of your apparent ick for her, that you’re phasing her out of your life.

you will have to take a deep breath and tell her it’s over soon though. You need that mental peace

being overly-emotional would not have gained me any sympathy I am sure!

I am generally a very emotional person however

This situation had me very shaken up and worried for everyone involved

I do empathise with her situation

I couldn't bear to have my partner as upset as I was

Forgive me posting again but if any proof were needed that you and I must have had a similar childhood, this is it 😁

Whatever went on for you growing up, it looks as though (like me) you learned to be hypervigilant to other people's emotions, while feeling unsafe to express (or even let yourself feel) your own.

Just being aware of this is half the battle; the other half is the culling we've already talked about 🌞

Hopefully someone will invent a pill for it one day 😜

I really do think that's it.
It's a strange phenomena is this actually. I was so happy with her before, couldn't see her enough, chatted on and off all day between my work, did a lot of laughing together.

And now, if I am honest, I feel very little. And things that didn't bother me abuot her before are doing now too.

Is that 'The Ick'? 😦I am not sure I have experienced it before!? Can feelings really turn off that quickly if one's anxiety is ignited?

You misunderstood what I meant. I said if YOU were the male, keeping in touch with his Ex for over 10 years, and inviting Ex to your birthday, etc. And if your female girlfriend posted about having a problem with your lingering relationship with Ex - and being told that she should not have a problem with it....
MN would tell her to leave such partner. And she'd be told that you are gaslighting her by saying she should not have problem. And that your relationship with Ex is unhealthy.

You say you have empathy about her feelings. But you don't seem to be expressing it at all. Why have you not considered uninviting your ex from your birthday if you have got into a new relationship? Any Ex would understand that new relationship takes priority and new partners' feelings need respecting.
You are saying you don't like her reaction to the situation. But it seems to be all about you and not at all about her.

So - she is not wrong in saying that she and the relationship are not the priority for you.

Perhaps RTFT?

Your partner is controlling op, I’m sorry. And she behaved poorly on your birthday night to punish you and ruin it for you. I’d end this.

i think you started off writing this in a manner that confused people; too much irrelevant detail and not enough of the important detail

all you had to write was.

I’m a gay woman, my ex from a decade ago is now a loose friend of mine, I’ve had other serious relationships since and we share a dog, so stay in touch. So any relationship is very much in the long gone past. She’s however very good friends with my business partner. I do not live with my current girlfriend, who I’ve been with about a year and see mainly at weekends.

due to the dog my ex and I often stay in each others home when dog sitting for the other. She’s been in a settled relationship now for the best part of a decade, so it really is just loose friends, my party is at an external venue, is quite large and my mum will be there.

my ex and my business partner are coming up for my birthday party together as usual and will stay in my house as normal with a few others.

howver my current partner has kicked off. She’s been threatening, aggressive, and doesn’t want her staying in my house, she also dislikes my business partner. And doesn’t even want him staying.

im uncomfortable with the level off aggressive behaviour she’s displayed and the fact she’s attacked over this, it is not the first time she’s done it. I also don’t think she should be able to bully me into who I allow to stay in my house, the threatening behaviour.

then ..

she proceeded to ruin my party for me, she made it tense and angry , to the extemt people commented and were worried for me.

the responses I can assure you would have been end this now.

@paltandsepper have you got rid of her yet? You deserve so much better

Thank you for this.

I didn't want to exclude that ex was abusive, because she was, and had she not been I assume DP wouldn't have that against her. I wanted to make sure anyone responding knew that as otherwise I would have felt guilty for not being clear.

100% agree that I should have included that I was a gay female! I read through responses following someone pointing that out and I do note that people are right in saying it was assumed that I was a man.

For future reference, what details do you think were irrelevant please?

I do feel that there's a certain 'style' to posting on forums which I am yet to become adept at! Not quite email style, not quite text! I never seem to be able to find a balance between 'avoid drip feed' 'don't include things that don't matter' because as I said upthread I think, sometimes you'll think something doesn't matter but it does, or vice versa.

Perhaps this is one of those occasions where AI input might have been appropriate!

My DPs Mother was abusive (they're NC). And she mentioned afterward that she had realised she'd become her. I did (rightly or wrongly!)assure her that she hadn't. I truly do not believe she has that, her Mum is such an awful, awful character.

NEVER use ai for anything, OP. You are so much better than that.

I don't think there was anything wrong with how you wrote your posts. Then again I can read and not make things up that aren't there, a skill which is clearly lacking on a lot of threads.
I still hope you've dumped her :)

Next time don’t stop her. She can get a taxi or a friend to pick her up