Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

@paltandsepper

"she knows me and she knows I'd never ever try to upset her on purpose... It's as if she almost wants it to be true so she can continue to use it against me."

It sounds as if she has her own demons to wrestle and maybe needs to look into that as it is spoiling her relationships.

Anyway. I hope you can have a relaxing (or busy!) sunny weekend. The birthday party is over, but it did show you that a lot of people are happy to see you. Plan some nice things to do over the next few weeks. x

I've just realised I was talking shit before. Not all my crappy ex partners had a chip on their shoulder. All they had in common was this: they made me responsible for their feelings, and their feeling were never stable. The reasons for this varied wildly, from addiction to childhood trauma to mental instability. But the effect on me was the same.

It's so hard to "drop the rope" when you feel you must hold it tight to ensure someone's well-being. And they make you feel that you are the very centre of their universe, which I suppose is oddly flattering although it comes at a heavy price.

Another thing I remember reading - years ago, I think when I was a teen - was "No one can put you down without your consent." It's the same principle with taking on responsibility for regulating other people's emotions and lives: they can only do it because at some level we actually think that's our job. I suppose because in childhood, our very survival seemed to depend on it.

Even now, in my mid-60s, when I read "You are not responsible for someone else's happiness," I can accept it logically but it doesn't do me any good. It's like those quantum physics theories that apparently are true but make no sense intuitively.

However hard I try, and however much I'm aware of it, I still default to this "ah yes, let me pick up the pieces for you and knit you back together" mode. I'm probably stuck with it for life. But through a gradual culling process, I no longer have people in my life who press those buttons.

But what would I actually do with that information? Act like all was okay (I did do this to an extent)? Tell my friends who asked that I had no idea what was wrong with her she was just huffing for no palpable reason (they'd all then think bad of her which I know isn't my problem really but it kind of is)?

Hmm another sign you're in an abusive relationship is that instinct to protect a partner from other people's judgement. You know it's bullshit, but you're not allowed to say so because that breaks the tacit contract between you, that it's your job to look after her.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with shrugging our shoulders and saying "No idea, s/he's just being a wanker." Of course, we don't. But the reasons we don't just point to the problem. And it's not our problem. Or at least, it's only our problem for as long as we believe it is. That's what I meant when I said the bars of the cage are not real.

Sorry to bang on, but I forgot to mention the good news!

...which is that if we stop accepting this role, and just let go, they soon move on and find someone else to lean on. There are plenty of us suckers around 😜

With these relationships you firstly lie to yourself, and then to others

stop lying! When asked why your soon to be ex is behaving like this, sulking etc, answer “I have no idea”

also tell this woman that she’s ruining your night and if she doesn’t want to be there, that she can of course go home/leave

rhe making you apologise months afterwards for some non-issue, is a weapon

my abusive ex used to do this. It’s torture.

tell her you’ve apologised already and you’re not going to again. Tell her to deal with it. She’s using it as a stick to beat you with and that’s not acceptable

fgs, you HAVE to bin this woman