Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

You’re welcome to keep your relationship as it is with your ex, but there’s no room in your life for another relationship if you do so.

I think staying friends with your ex over the house, the dog etc would be fine if she wasn't "abusive" - that's what's odd.
If you had just split up because the relationship had just reached the end of its natural life but you had remained friends, then this would make sense

However, you have apparently told your DP about your "abusive ex" but are now having this same person come to your party and stay over at your house! No wonder your current partner isn't happy, presumably she is feeling very confused and deep down wondering whether you have been telling her the truth.
If I was her I would be tempted to leave you to it and move on to someone with clearer boundaries and less potential drama in their life.
In short, the problem here is you, not them.

If you were a woman inviting an abusive man who is your ex to stay in your home, upsetting your now DP, you’d be told you are bonkers.
You have no children with this abusive ex. Yes, the dog is a tie but that’s something you’ve created.
You cannot expect your current partner to be happy with this. It’s not fair.
No wonder she’s upset. She’s not dealing with it very well.
You don’t sound easy going to me. You sound like your life revolves around you.
If you want an adult, loving relationship then grow up a bit.

Sorry,last night ended up being very late. I am back now. And I missed this question, we've been together just under a year.

Yes we did talk about it. DP didn't seem bothered until the time came closer. DP doesn't like my business partner or want him to stay either, although is more bothered about my ex than him.

We dont live together (yet). It's a bit too soon, we've briefly discussed it..she has a dog who's quite elderly and we don't feel it fair to force hers and mine to live together so that's another concern. Her ex looks after her dog while she's here (and they split up longer ago than me and mine, but not sure if that's of any relevance).

Her ex looks after her dog while she's here (and they split up longer ago than me and mine, but not sure if that's of any relevance)

Presumably her ex wasn't abusive. So it's not a comparable situation.

OP do you think that you might have an issue with surrounding yourself with volatile people? Even your dog is a reactive dog. In the long run I think that this is something to explore because your situation is a very odd one with a lot of enmeshment.

I do know it is unusual. She's changed a lot over the years, had an (unbeknownst to me) substance issue when we were together that she only admitted to me afterwards. She has been apologetic and caring to me over the years since. I just prefer harmony I suppose. I can't be bothered holding grudges or being resentful. I also accept some responsibility for our relationship, I absolutely should've walked away sooner but I cared deeply for her children and was quite emotionally attached.

This is sad if all was okay before.

I am very 'drama-free', I like to talk any issues through calmly and can become easily unnerved where there's shouting and tempers involved.

I imagine the issue isn’t that you have an ex, but that you invite your ex for sleepovers and you then do the same there.
Bizarre. Good luck finding a woman who is happy with that.

I think your actions are bonkers and show that 1. You're still very enmeshed with your ex and 2. Still under the effects of the abuse.

DH and I both have abusive exes. He also has abusive parents. I have seen what these people have done to him. And vice versa. We have put a lot of work into helping eachother heal and being with someone that has been abused takes work. That exes abuse still affects your relationship and you have put in work around what they have done to the person you love.

Neither one of us would accept the other inviting their abusers to their birthday party or to their house. Not in a million years would those people be allowed to sleep in our house. Not in a million years would either one of us be able or willing to pretend that we don't despise the people that abused our partner.

I think you need boundaries around your ex, you shouldn't be this close to your abusive ex. You have some healing to do.

I also think she should consider, and probably is considering, ending the relationship. Being in a relationship with someone that won't give up their abuser is not easy at all and I don't think you are ready to move on from how you've spoken about the two of them.

Your last sentence rings true unfortunately.

Not the situation specifically but the way it has been approached. I just don't speak to people the way DP has spoken to me, even if I am very annoyed or upset. There have been other things that I've felt are controlling but nothing insurmountable, in the past few months.

You describe yourself as "drama free" yet you are creating situations that invite drama.
If things have moved on with your ex and you are in a better place did you need to tell your current, relatively new DP that your ex was "abusive"? That is surely going to make your current DP suspicious and antagonistic towards the ex?

Sorry but I think you enjoy the drama and like the idea of two women low key fighting over you while you pretend to be this incredibly laid back, cool guy.

Meh.

Tell DP they are uninvited as they don’t know how to behave like an adult.

I would be rethinking the whole relationship tbh

You seem to be ignoring that you're not actually easy going you're still caught up in the abusive cycle.

Honestly it's not your current partner who is the one causing these issues.

Perhaps.
I thought it would be okay as we discussed it thoroughly and DP didn't seem to have an issue with it initially There will be quite a lot of people there.
I've known DP a long time, she's always been aware that ex has attended events I've been at and has looked after my dog when I've visited her (DP that is) etc. I didnt think it would come as a complete shock.

Sorry, what prioritisation is there? I may be being obtuse here.

Amazing how this situation it's two women's fault but not yours isn't it?

This smacks so much of "my crazy ex" and my "unreasonable partner" but, hey, I'm the completely sane, innocent one in all this.

Ex got her way by being disallowed to come, what do you mean please?

It was a a mutual friends funeral so very much a public event,but DP was so angry with me that ex might come that I had to make excuses/lie to ex about arrangements.

I dont feel that I can tell people the truth (including in this case about my birthday) as they will believe I am being controlled. I dont want DP to be looked upon negatively.

The person I would be uninviting is DP!

Sounds very controlling and petulant.

I would really be considering your relationship.

“Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.”

Why? I barely know my DH’s ex, but I would be unimpressed to the point of leaving the house if ever he invited her over. Your ex is just that - an ex - it’s bad enough that she comes and looks after the dog, but coming to your birthday party? You just can’t let go, can you - it’s a bit of an ego trip, having two women who want to see you and spend time with you. If your DP were my daughter, I’d be advising her to run for the hills.

I am not really able to rent it to anyone else. I originally bought it with a friend who doesn't want to sell and doesn't want to spend any money on it in order to have it (what I see as) rental market worthy. Me and ex lived there together before moving elsewhere and she moved back in when we split. I am not sure if that answers this question but I can't afford for it to sit empty unfortunately.

You have a pattern of starting relationships with abusive women. Sometimes people mistake abuse for strength in a woman. These women sound terrible. You deserve better. Dump her and enjoy your birthday. Hook up with someone new.

Thos is horrifically abusive..please don't listen to ANYONE blaming you or saying you should appease your abusive partner. Get out now. This will only escalate.