Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

I think it was just how tense and awful the whole preclude to it was! For weeks. I don't think I could have possibly!

Arguments and tension and me feeling so worried and drained and doubtful. The actual evening of it DP was odd(I know that's not a very nice word but I truly don't know how else to illustrate it) and then later on seemingly affronted/annoyed.

Some friends including BP and ex were here obviously the next day and again it sounds awful but I just wanted them all to leave so the whole thing was done and I could sweep it away and not have to think about it 😑!

But, people have told me they enjoyed it. The act was great (he gave me a discount as means of a birthday present which was lovely of him). My Mum is almost 80 and she enjoyed it. These are the important things. 🙂

I have a feeling you should write a book 🙂

Next year enjoy your birthday properly. Make your partner an ex partner.

OMG!!!!!!!! it's funny you should say that... because I am currently writing a book! 🫣😁🌞 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure if you were joking, but I'm taking that as encouragement 😜

Arguments and tension and me feeling so worried and drained and doubtful. The actual evening of it DP was odd (I know that's not a very nice word but I truly don't know how else to illustrate it) and then later on seemingly affronted/annoyed.

I'm really sorry, but this doesn't sound good.

"Arguments and tension and me feeling so worried and drained and doubtful" - this is the sort of thing that erodes us over time.

"Odd" is a great choice of word when someone is behaving in a way that simply does not compute. But trying to make sense of your daily life with someone like that can be really exhausting.

To your question at the end

Why she didn’t mention it before? When you were out?

because the anger is MANUFACTURED, it’s not real it’s just a mechanism to control you.

Fabulous! I would like to read it

I am writing one myself, but nothing to do with anything about romantic relationships. I do not feel qualified for that!

There's been more than one instance of this type. One in particular that I remember is I mentioned a 'fact' about DP in front of others. This is something DP had talked about freely in company before, never expressed that it was something she felt strongly about in any way, always been just a casual mention type of thing.

Later on she was livid with me for mentioning it. I apologised of course, explained I hadn't said it to hurt her, I just thought it was a mildly-interesting conversation seasoning, nothing I thought she was concerned about or would or should be. I can see, with hindsight why someone might not want it mentioning but she'd never told me she would and had spoken about it freely with other people. I wouldn't haev reacted like that.

I'd keep an eye on her. She still sounds controlling to me. She could have made an effort to make you happy on your birthday.

It was obviously very difficult for her which made me sad as of course ideally I wanted everyone to be happy. She didn't want to sit with anyone or talk to anyone, barely said a word all day/evening and retreated to the house often while everyone was outside in the sun having a drink. Not a situation that I was happy in of course but but I did feel for her and responsible for her. Everyone else seemed okay but some did notice that she wasn't around a lot and that she was quiet.

Once we went to the pub she was snappy and became briefly angry with me a few times. She's put this down to being drunk and said she doesn't remember. She never really drinks a lot (one or two at the most, isn't interested in alcohol at all) and had probably had more than usual but didn't seem drunk. I know some people can be drunk and it not show however. I was quite tense all night. Some people expressed concern about me, asked what was wrong had we had an argument etc. The following morning was tense too and then DP stayed an extra day but I was just going through the motions until everyone had left and I could breathe out and just be relieved it was all over.

I have accepted that a situation like this cannot happen again and I will make sure it doesn't.

So the funny thing is, a few years ago I finally wrote the book I'd always wanted to write, about relationships. About the years of constant struggle adapting to headfuckery, and how I eventually escaped. When I finished, I was thrilled with it. Then I set it aside for a while, re-read it and realised it was shit. So I rewrote the whole fucking thing. Took me ages. Pleased with the end result, set it aside, read it again, started a third rewrite. Halfway through, I abandoned it altogether. I realised I was forcing myself on a self-appointed mission to help others out of similar chaos, but there's no need now that there's the internet and plenty of wise women on MN who write so clearly about their own experiences.

The problem was that I simply couldn't relate to the content. Now that I've had years of being seen, understood and treated with gentle respect, I'm a completely different person. I thought it would be easy to describe the dark and bottomless pit I cowered in for years, the way you'd talk about a long stay in a miserable prison. But it was more like trying to explain a really bad acid trip, long ago and half forgotten, where I'd hallucinated the bars of a cage. I just couldn't get myself back into that headspace. I didn't even recognise the person who put up with things daily that I'd now walk away from without so much as a second glance.

From what you've written, I have a horrible feeling you're trapped in a similar cage. It takes a while to realise the bars aren't real. 💐

She enjoys torturing you with this sort of thing, OP. It keeps you on your toes.

@paltandsepper "I have accepted that a situation like this cannot happen again and I will make sure it doesn't."

By ending the relationship? Because how else can you make sure it won't happen again (and, let's face it, this wasn't an isolated incident).

This is why people think that you need to consider some sort of counselling to look at why you're surrounded by drama.

Not so much that, more this:

Not a situation that I was happy in of course but but I did feel for her and responsible for her

When you've spent a lifetime feeling responsible for other people's happiness (e.g. from emotionally immature parenting), it's hard to let go of that heavy burden. Especially when someone comes along who exploits that to their own advantage.

Did your ex still stay the night?

OP, sorry but I think your "DP" is a bitch.

This night was arranged before she was on the scene and she created weeks and weeks of stress and then couldn't even behave herself properly on the night.

It seems she is using the excuse of hating your Ex because of Ex's past behaviour and "DP" hates her on your behalf. This is not a very mature way to behave when you have expressly stated you are not holding the past against Ex and you believe she is a different person now. (I love that you both still care for your dog btw).

If she truly cared for you and about you, she would have swallowed her upset and not done her best to ruin your night.

She is using her (fake) outrage as a means to control you. It is largely working.
Please reflect on that.

@paltandsepper fuck me. Honestly it would have been easier if you just wrote “my partner sulked and harrumphed all night to ensure everyone knew she was unhappy and make it about her and keep me running around trying to manage the situation and pander to her emotions (again). She then pretended she was drunk at the pub so she could use it as an excuse to become verbally abusive.”

You are in a controlling and abusive relationship. And it sounds like rather than dealing with this and ending it you are going to ensure it doesn’t happen again by tiptoeing around her needs/moods and emotions.

Good luck.

It will keep happening, she'll keep "forgetting" or blaming alcohol and you'll get more and more anxious and dread every special event to the point that you no longer celebrate anything unless its just you and her, and unless she gets her own way in whatever plans you're going to have she's still going to be projecting her mood and misery onto you, until it's not just the special events she ruins, its your every day to day life. Is that how you want to live?

Your current DP sounds immature and controlling, but being so involved with an abusive ex is not ideal if you want to nurture a new relationship. I agree with others on this thread that you would do well to end things with your partner, and take a step back from your ex too.
The dog and the house ... sure, if practicalities dictate then why not. But if I was your new partner, I'd be puzzled about why you'd want anything more than that with an abusive ex. I would also dislike spending time with someone who treated you so badly.
However, I'd try to suck it up in relation to the birthday party since the arrangements were made before you even met.
Your current partner has been abusive in a different way (all the shouting and bag packing). Her behaviour around the funeral was awful, and coming to the party only to sulk was ridiculous.
If she didn't feel like celebrating your birthday with your ex in tow, she could have explained kindly why it didn't work for her, and found an excuse not to be there. Then you could have enjoyed a quiet celebration some other time.
You could then have agreed that next time you wanted to celebrate something together, your ex wouldn't have to be there.

@paltandsepper ha ha… ask me how I knew this wasn’t a one off… you can guess the answer eh?

You will ALWAYS be wrong for doing right or whatever the phrase is. You can’t win. You’re not supposed to, can you see?

she ruined the whole pub evening on purpose, she wanted you to know she was unhappy etc, and to add insult to injury she stayed an extra day to make you feel uncomfortable and to keep tabs on you.

my love, @paltandsepper youre in another abusive relationship.

it’s going to escalate, it always does.

you have a vulnerability to manipulation, you care for others and this is what draws these people to you like a moth to a flame.

you need boundaries fast, and they need to be strong. Zero tolerance on tantrums, moods, silent treatment etc etc

in short, you need to end it with this woman. And keep it ended.

you can learn a lot from the resources for abusive relationships, the dynamic is the same regardless of sex, just perhaps the method of delivery is different

she’s got to go. This isn’t going to work out long term and it’s none of your fault

@paltandsepper she wasn’t drunk… you KNOW this.

trust your instincts

the first part of getting to a healthy place in your life is to be honest about what’s going on.

first to yourself, you’ve been gaslit, you’ve kind of been lead to go along with it, but you know it hasn’t sat well with you, on some small level. So speak to your inner self and really look at what’s going on in your head. Be brutally honest with yourself and then you can open up to your friends, they’re waiting for you to do this, they’re hinting at you already and asking the questions you need to really ask yourself

I’ve been through this, it’s uncomfortable and difficult but by god it’s the very best thing you’ll do for yourself

this P is taking up the space where someone who loves you for you should be. You’re wasting time with this P.

"Once we went to the pub she was snappy and became briefly angry with me a few times. She's put this down to being drunk and said she doesn't remember."

So in the middle of your birthday party, in front of all your friends and relatives. She became angry with you, not once, but A FEW times.

And when you asked her about this her answer was
"I dont remember, I was drunk." So that's all right then.

She doesn't remember = hasn't done anything wrong. Doesn't need to apologise,has no remorse for hurting you and you just have to shut up about it then.

Oh Pleeessse, Most people who have been drunk DO remember how they thought and felt and acted. Unless completely plastered and she certainly wasn't that. A bit inebriated at most. Most people, told how others saw them when drunk are apologetic and embarrassed.

"Did I? I don't remember" is the standard answer of a guilty person who has no remorse and takes no responsibility for their actions..

Her behaviour in the long run up to this party, and at the party and subsequent has been atrocious... and she wasn't drunk the whole of that time so she can remember that but she doesn't care.

This is not a happy relationship. If she's not in the slightest bit sorry for how she's treated you, then she will do it again in a heart beat and you really need to think about why and whether you want to put up with anymore of this.

I understand this. I am not sure why, as I don't think I've had similar relationships, but I understand the feeling. It's as if your mind is missing a mechanism. Brain developmental stages matter, I feel like mine was too busy concentrating on keeping safe that it 'forgot' to develop certain things I would need in future to protect myself.

I am glad for you that you met someone 'normal' who was able to help you turn it around.

She really didn't seem drunk. And as I've said, she isn't a drinker, it just isn't her thing. She's not teetotal but she's not into nights out or things involving alcohol generally. If she's here of an evening we'll sometimes have a couple of drinks but she often leaves hers.

Strangely, I did get a bit drunk on a night out some time ago, and I made a joke that she didnt' find funny and I am still apologising for it months later, as she took it very badly and often brings it up.

I really didn't mean anything by it and apologised straight away at the time (when I say I was a bit drunk,I wasn't 'falling over, being sick' drunk, just had had a bit more wine than I am usually comfortable with. And yes, I was apologetic and embarrassed the following day even though I didn't really do anything wrong.

On the recent birthday night I honestly think I was so tense that I could've drank ten bottles of wine and it wouldn't have got me drunk.
When she did have angry quips at me that night, I don't think anyone else witnessed it.