Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

Don't cancel your birthday plans.

Sit down with your partner and tell her it isn't working out for you, it's not the kind of relationship you feel safe or happy in. It's not just your physical safety that can be threatened in a relationship. You say she wouldn't physically hurt you, but your mental health is every bit as important.

You deserve to be looking forward to your birthday and getting together with all of your friends, including your ex. It is fine and maybe even normal for your current partner to have feelings about this, but it is not fine and normal to shout, pack bags and ruin what should be a good thing for you. That's not loving or kind behaviour, and it isn't constructive.

You don't live with her and the relationship is only new. You don't owe your current partner anything, and I promise you - if it's been a load of drama for the last 10 months, it's going to get infinitely worse over the next 10 years. This is your honeymoon period. This is the bedrock that keeps you going when life gets tough and you can't stand the way they BREATHE. You look back and remember why you love them ;-)

You're not forming happy memories, she's controlling. Be bold and brave and give yourself an amazing birthday present - peace of mind and freedom.

I'd younwrent being pulled in different directions with other people dictating what happens , this thread wouldn't exist

Ex lives too far away and doesn't drive (same as some other people from that vicinity) and people have always stayed over at such things.

But you didn't even invite her.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship, or a series of them? You learn to take it for granted that relationships involve not just compromise, but tiptoeing on eggshells around a partner's unreasonableness. That doesn't mean you invite or enjoy drama, quite the opposite. It's your aversion to conflict that makes you open to abuse; these people make a beeline for you because they can see exactly what buttons to press to get their own way, very easily.

OP, I never did learn to deal with this sort of thing. After repeatedly finding myself out of the frying pan and into the fire with yet another manipulative, controlling person, I spent years alone, accepting that I'm shit at protecting my own boundaries. Eventually, I found a fabulous husband (second time round; practice makes perfect! 😜) who simply appreciates my kindness without ever taking advantage of it. That's been my solution, really: accepting my limitations and avoiding people who exploit them as a weakness. It's a very happy life.

It just feels like a really small adjustment to make for your DP

OP, I’ve read most of your replies, not the whole thread. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a people pleaser - I think you’re just kind and don’t see a point in hurting/making people upset when it literally makes no difference to you on daily basis, i.e. you would never be friends with your ex but her staying in your old house is of no consequence to you (in fact makes life easier with your business partner) and taking care of your dog without distressing it means you can relax while away and can actually go away.
I do think, however, you have a major DP problem and I don’t think she doesn’t like your ex cause she was abusive. This just makes her an easy target for alienation. Your bp being abrasive is similar- it’s “socially acceptable” to be dissaproving of both. Once it’s them, then it will be your dog and it will just snowball. You’re already starting to walk on egg shells and it’s not even a year. If you truly have feeling for eachother I would consider a serious sit down conversation and putting boundaries - yes, it will make her upset, but the upsetness is of hers not your doing. Have your party - the DP doesn’t have to come if she’s so bothered by the guest list.
One last thought for you to ponder, that hits me through your posting. You’re accepting of your autistic bp while others aren’t (some of his traits would objectively be annoying), you see life through a particularly logical lens, you think through other people’s emotional positions before you act and seemingly huge amount of people thinks you need to shake off your “people pleasing traits that cause drama” (where really you kind to a fault and put others, including animals, ahead of yourself), plus you seem to attract controling/abusive people - have you ever explored your ND status? Not from chasing diagnosis perspective, but it might help you understand yourself better.:)

For those supporting the current DP - if you read all the OP's posts (you can click the "see all" link to do this), it will become clear that the current DP has a lot of rather problematic behaviours which also seem to be verging on abusive and it really doesn't seem like pandering to the current DP is the right way to go (in fact, it sounds like she should also become an ex-DP). Also, some may not have realised - OP is also female and in a same sex relationship. This is not a case of a man trying to get 2 women to fight over him. The dynamics are different.

@paltandsepper - as I mentioned upthread: I'm concerned by your suggestion that loving and caring about someone means that you put your feelings aside in most situations. Some compromise will likely be involved from time to time - in both directions - but loving and caring for someone does not mean routinely sublimating your feelings. Obviously, once there are shared children, then the parents' needs and wants will take a back seat for a good while but that's not the situation here. A good relationship should fulfil your needs and wants most of the time; if it doesn't, then it's not the right relationship for you. It sounds like you and your current DP are not well-suited.

Your current partner seems a bit high maintenance. Unsure how she can actively hate someone she doesn’t really know but imho it was daft of you to overshare.

TBH signs aren’t good with DP. A year is nothing. Don’t move in together or it’ll get worse and for this situation I’d be strongly tempted to put my foot down and maybe say - it’s my birthday, she will be there, there’s nothing to feel threatened by but if you can’t be grown up and conduct yourself reasonably given the assurances I’ve given we might not be compatible after all…

You deserve to be looking forward to your birthday and getting together with all of your friends, including your ex. It is fine and maybe even normal for your current partner to have feelings about this, but it is not fine and normal to shout, pack bags and ruin what should be a good thing for you. That's not loving or kind behaviour, and it isn't constructive.

This. @Bloozie nails it.

Eh no wonder your partner is mad. Letting your ex ABUSIVE partner stay over in your home. You have serious boundary issues and you’re dragging your partner into it.

Id be furious too.

Before you mentioned abuse I would have said party, fine but of course not staying over! But abusive? Nah mate what are you thinking!?

I would break it off with partner, I think she does sound controlling. If you don't have a problem with your ex then she really shouldn't have.
Your business partner is another matter, you like him, she doesn't. It is your birthday. You shouldn't need to appease people.

The tie you have with your ex with regard to the dog and the house is totally understandable. People are getting v irate with you because you said she was abusive.....but shes not currently abusive and its not concerning you or causing you issues so that is entirely your business. People dont get to tell you what to do or who you can allow staying in your house, not even your partner. If she lived there, i think it would be different. I also want to say that her behaviour isnt on. Why cant she express what she wants to say in a conversation , once, not raised voices, not going on and on. Even if she is unhappy with it, i can see why you dont want to ask your ex not to come, or have it get back to your business partner , and why it seems easier to cancel all of it, but i think you would be making yourself small to appease your dp. Where will it end? This is your life, your birthday, your choice. Dont give in for the sake of a quiet life. It wont be quiet, not really....you will have let yourself down and its not the right course of action in a healthy relationship. Stick to your guns. Conflict in a "standing up for yourself" way is necessary and this is one of the times. She doesnt have to like it, but she can be civil and not make you uncomfortable and stressed. She can choose to come or not, but shes caring more about her own feelings than about yours, isnt she?

DP needs to grow up. I would tell her she shouldn’t bother coming

'DP isn't jealous, far from it' ~ I suggest you revisit this notion, You say it's all hatred, but we can hate and be jealous at the same time. I think there's resentment and outrage too. I hope you have a happy birthday, and in due course find a more suitable partner

What does PDQ mean please? I think I completely avoid drama!
Not much really bothers me (DP is still very close to her ex and I've never had an issue with it, just as an example, in my experience it isn't unusual in lesbian circles).
pdq means Pretty Damn Quick. And I’m pleased you highlight that it’s a lesbian relationship because I’m very aware that my gay friends are far more relaxed about ex’s and ongoing friendships than straight people. Perhaps because you’re a minority you hang on to people in a way that’s difficult for ‘straight’ people to comprehend. All I know is that it’s the norm for my gay friends to be close to umptitump ex’s. Although my dh would consider himself heterosexual he is also very close to his alcoholic ex wife. He doesn’t have a jealous or possessive bone in his body and truly doesn’t understand that I sometimes have misgivings about their relationship. I guess it just depends on which of the two people involved you would rather be close to - I don’t think in this situation you can have the best of both worlds!

This.
Don’t let anyone ruin your birthday!

A few people have said this and although it is technically true (I didn't send her a paper invitation or email invitation or even a message saying, 'Hello, I am having a gathering on X day please come!'

I did in fact have her say she'd come and I saw no issue with it, exactly the same as if a neighbour, acquaintance, person I know from the gym/work/pub/friend I hadn't seen for some time/insert walk of life here said it. It's not a formal thing, and It's taking place in a public house. I wouldnt like it if someone turned up from my past who I know would be there to cause issues, or someone who had something against me (I can't think of anyone but you get the gist) but for someone who just wants to come along and watch the act and have a couple of drinks with everyone, that's fine? I don't think it matters that (unlike some other friends whom I have rang or emailed etc and said what's happening and they're welcome to come) I didn't technically do any 'actual' inviting of her.

For the party (it isn't actually a party, It's a night in a pub with an act on that isn't private) I just want people to come along and have a good time. And my main issue (and why I wanted to cancel) is that at the moment it does not seem like that will happen. I would be tense, ex would be possibly in danger of something happening, DP would be angry and not happy to be there. That's my whole thing with it.

I definitely don't think I am autistic. I have quite a lot of experience here (through work) and BP's persona often absolutely infuriates me too (we've had some blazing rows, trust me despite me absolutely despising that sort of communication)!

The first paragraph I think does describe me however, and I have at times wondered if I have ADHD.

DP adores my dog, thankfully.

Anyway, I really think I have got what I needed from the thread now. Thank you for everyone's input.

I will definitely talk with DP (I already have done this somewhat, I have said the anger is not something I can be okay with, I just want us to be happy to be with one another, and if any adversity comes along to deal with it fairly and calmly). I will continue and see what can be done here. Thank you again all.

@paltandsepper I did in fact have her say she'd come and I saw no issue with it, exactly the same as if a neighbour, acquaintance, person I know from the gym/work/pub/friend I hadn't seen for some time/insert walk of life here said it.

So you're happy for any rando to invite themselves to your birthday party? I honestly can't get over how passive you are, and you wonder why all the drama?

Well if a stranger walked up to me in the street perhaps not, but that is hardly going to happen. If it is someone who I know and do not have any problems with, why wouldn't I? It isn't a private party, It's a pub. It's literally open to the public.

It went ahead. Nothing bad happened. I was a bit of an anxious mess on the night and a few days afterwards as the lead-up to it had been so difficult, and I am not generally an anxious person. Thank you again for all of the advice on this thread.

Glad there was no major disaster, OP, but please watch out with the anxiety. In some relationships, it can creep up on you unnoticed and then one day you realise you're a nervous wreck and can't quite put your finger on why.

Thank you, I will. The run-up to it was awful and I was very tense on the night and following day. I was releived that it was over. A few things happened that made me worry but overall, it went okay and people (other than me, anyway!) had a good time.

Am very glad that it went okay and I hope you could enjoy the feeling that others were having a good time. Sad that it involved so much hassle but that is something you can now process more gradually.

It's a bloody shame you couldn't relax and enjoy your own birthday party. 💐