Should I cancel my birthday evening because my partner hates my ex?

[paltandsepper]

I am sad and annoyed but think I have to cancel my birthday evening out.

Not sure really how much in the wrong I am about this situation, I do accept some blame however.

I split with my ex about ten years ago. She rents the house we used to live in off me in a town about an hour and a half away, I rarely see her, I wouldn't say we're 'friends' but we're friend 'ly'. We bought a dog together who I have ex look after semi-often when I go away or such although dog with me most of the time. Ex usually stays at my house to do this because dog is elderly now. So there's that connection as well as the house. We get along fine.

Also my ex is close friends with my business partner, he lives in the same town as her.

It's my birthday soon. I am not someone who emphasises birthdays, I don't care for presents or attention personally, I'm an adult, but I do like a good get-together and to see people, a birthday does give me a reason for that, so I usually have some sort of gathering, and this year I have hired a singer/comedian to play at my local pub. I've invited more or less everyone I know who could feasibly get here, and was planning to make some casual/finger food and have a few bottles of fizz for people at my house for a couple of hours or so beforehand.

Ex and business partner are invited and coming and staying over.

I am looking forward to the night and seeing everyone, I have had this singer on a few times and he's brilliant.

DP is furious. Hates ex. Angry with me, I've been berated and told i am putting her in a very difficult position having to be around ex and not say something to her.

Ex was abusive, DP knows this.

DP is a lot more volatile of temperament than me. I am live and let live, sociable, glad things are good now, happy with how me and ex are now. Happy we get along well, I don't spare a moment thinking about our relationship of the past, it was years ago, she's a different person now and I seldom see her.

I have had so many arguments with DP about this that the evening is just not going to be enjoyable. I will be on eggshells all night if it goes ahead, awaiting for something to go wrong (DP has even asked whose 'side' I'd take if they argued). DP will have a face like thunder all night. In the run up to it I will undoubtedly be subject to more arguments from DP and I am already dreading it, something I was looking forward to, because DP is so furious with me for wanting ex there.

How in the wrong am I for being friendly with ex? DP isn't jealous far from it, it is all hate rather than suspecting anything.

It will cost me £350 to cancel now. Deal was I pay half pub pay half so maybe only £175 if the pub decide to still put singer on and I will just pay my half.

I hate the thought of letting people down who may also have been looking forward to it too, family and friends.

Sorry if this is a bit confusing, I am typing in a rush but I would love some opinions from unbiased people. I cannot talk to anyone else. DP was awful last night and I don't know what to think.

When you start to cave in to demands about who you can and can't see OP, I think it is the beginning of the end. For now it's your ex and your business partner, but if you stop seeing them I can pretty much guarantee they will not be the last that you are expected to give up ever seeing to placate your DP.

You will probably end up ending this relationship further down the line anyway, but by then how many people will you have become estranged from?

Your partner needs to start acting like an adult and loving partner, who actually cares for you and does not by her petulance cause you unnecessary grief and stress. Can she not get a grip on herself for one night for you?

Her hypocrisy, given the situation with her own ex is breathtaking to an outsider. If you really want a calm, peaceful life I'd ditch the current partner sharpish before things inevitably get worse for you.

You sound like a really nice, thoughtful person who deserves better than this.

@paltandsepper does your DP like ANYONE significant in your life? Is she finding problems with other people in your life too?

I think there’s a lot to unpack here, your background with abuse in it from your family. It would indicate that because of this, you expect a level of abuse in life and it’s acceptable. You’re able to forgive and forget- perhaps to keep the peace, even subconsciously.

your ex was abusive, that’s ended and you’ve found a way to smooth it all over in your head.

Perhaps that is what irks your current DP, but the fact that she hates your business partner too worries me. I think you might have swapped out an abuser level 8 for a (so far) abuser level 5.

although as we know abusers escalate, so I worry that your current DP will ramp up the control.

the fact is, this event has been arranged longer than you’ve been with your P. The invitation is extended and you’re not going to withdraw it. DP has no business getting in the way of your professional life, and needs to back off.

this is a test. You cave now, the rest of your life is vulnerable to manipulation and control.

foot down with DP. The control stops now, she either accepts you for who you are, with all the people you have chosen to take part in your life, or she moves on.

I think you have walked into another controlling abusive relationship OP which is starting to intensify.
Partner knew the situation before you got together and was seemingly okay with it until you got more serious when she then started the jealousy and controlling tactics.
You sound like a lovely person who just wants everyone to get on and why shouldn’t you feel like that? It’s a nice way to be.
Do what makes you happy and don’t let your life be run by someone else.

I didn't formally invite her but I was fine with her coming, it just doesn't and didn't bother me either way. A neighbour I haven't spoken to other than a 'hello' asked if they could come to one of my gatherings a while back and I said yes to that too. I just don't have an issue with her, and wouldn't prevent her from coming, but equally would be unbothered if she didn't want to or didn't come for any reason.

As someone who is on good terms with an ex, and even friends with his 'new' wife, I understand that it's perfectly possible to be cordial with a former partner - although that becomes a bit less understandable when that partner was abusive. But you do you. Your DP, on the other hand, sounds like a bit of a bad'un. It's fair that they don't like your ex and that they don't want ex coming/staying over. But their way of expressing that is crappy. They sound like they have anger issues and control issues - are you sure you haven't gone from one abusive relationship to another?

It isn't that she's precious or I would be cancelling just because she can't come. It is that I don't want conflict, and I would have rathere not have to tell ex as this will then be thought of as partner being controlling, and I have no doubt other people would learn of it too (as business partner would then not come, friends she's told she's coming could ask why she's now not, etc etc). I have a feeling it would snowball into something that would have DP looking terrible. Cancelling it to avoid that seemed easier. That is one reason. The other main reason is that after so many arguments and so much shouting and so many conversations, I just did/do not feel like celebrating any longer, I would also not want to spend a celebratory, supposedly happy evening knowing DP may be trying to dictate things and would likely not be happy to be there.
Some responses on this thread about what people think and it being perhaps true, have made me rethink this though.

No, I am aware that my DP is far from 'thick'.

I do tend to think that most folk over the age of 35 (even much younger perhaps!)have some form of 'baggage'. And if they don't, they likely have little life experience or maturity.

Op my final post on this primarily because I feel a lot of good advice on this thread is being ignored possibly due not wanting to face reality.

Have a look back at the posts which say your current relationship is merely a variant of your previous relationship with your ex. It must hurt to read those posts but it doesn't compare to the hurt you feel at present and will undoubtedly feel in the future regarding your social life decisions.

Please go ahead with your party. If your partner decides not to attend that only goes to prove her own feelings are far more important than yours. This is never a healthy dynamic especially given you will need to correspond with your ex via the property & the dog. There are dreadful vibes throughout your thread & you are not to blame.

Mainly subliminal things. Moodiness, being unusually quiet all of a sudden, telling me everything was fine and then when we got home becoming very annoyed with me about something I had done that I was unaware of. I hadn't ever gone to friends to complain about DP, of the latter I mentioned it in the context that I was upset with myself for doing something wrong, and my friends were alll saying 'But (DP) could have just told you while you were out, why didn't she?!'

I can see why people would think that. She just genuinely does not bother me at all nowadays. She's not the same as she was then, I escaped relatively unscathed, I have a good relationship with her children, we have mutual friends. It just doesn't bother me any more, any of it. Perhaps it should, but I can't make it so.

I have no idea whether your current partner is controlling or whether she's just intensely irritated by/just doesk understand your position on this and isn't coming across well or whether she's acting from a position of wanting to protect your from an ex who still seems to he pulling the strings.

It's obviously up to you who you invite to your party but you haven't actually even invited your ex.

It is that I don't want conflict

The problem is that your approach is exactly what is causing the conflict.

People pleasers always say they want to avoid conflict and then become very confused as to the reasons they feel mired in conflict.

If you were able to say to your partner, look we've moved on, we're friends, I'd be responding differently. But you're not. You're saying you "don't mind" and it's "okay' and you "don't want conflict".

None of this sounds like you actually want your ex there.

Like I asked before, what do you actually want? If you weren't trying to avoid conflict, didn't just want everyone else to be happy to the extent you'd rather cancel your party than upset someone, if your ex hadn't nvited herself, if your partner wasn't so utterly confused and frustrated by the situation. If you weren't dealing with everyone else's conflicting of interests, what would you actually want?

Tbh, I don't think anyone would be surprised if you'd finally drawn a line in the sand and didn't invite an previously abusive ex to your party. Because you didn't actually invite her in the first place. If anyone asked, you could just say that you didn't actually invite her, she invited herself and now you're taking a stronger line on setting your own boundaries and deciding what you want rather than just going with the flow to keep everyone else happy.

As for your current partner. Anyone here can have an opinion but only you know her.

Maybe it's time to address some of the people pleasing and lack of boundaries in your life.

Neither of us can really afford to buy the other out. I could at a push, but it just hasn't been a priority and I'd rather not throw finances at it when I live alone, don't earn a lot and have other things I'd rather spend on. The house has earned me a lot of equity, the arrangement isn't a concern for anyone (or wasn't).

Well, if I had have cut her off I would probably not be able to go anywhere (unless dog could come). If I cut her off, I would be in dire financial straits due to the house, I would simply not be able to afford to pay two mortgages.

But although it has been something I had thought about in the past, it isn't something I'd ever wanted to do. I was happy we were okay with one another nowadays. Things felt fine to me so I had no need to change them.

I think it is protection. As well as her stating she couldn't be around her without becoming very angry/possible conflict occurring.

I really truly do not feel that I want to be with someone whose idea of conflict resolution is raised voices and packing bags and storming off. I did feel slightly afraid although I know DP wouldn't phyusicallyt hurt me. It's just not right, not the way I do things at all

That is very, very over the top.

Personally, I'd uninvite ex (because you barely see/like her so why tf would you want her at your party) and end things and uninvite current partner because she sounds controlling in general, not specifically about this.

I must admit, I did feel some relief yesterday. I felt the need to rest and went for a nap, despite waking a lot later than I normally would.

you describe yourself as drama free but seem to stir up drama and upset in those around you whilst seeming very passive yourself

Because we'd discussed it many times and she seemed fine, up until it was close to the time of it. And yes, I only realised any of it at the time of the funeral, that was difficult because obviously I was (still am to an extent) grieving and I just didn't have the capacity to appease her too. It kind of overtook the whole thing, I wasn't able to think clearly about my friend's death and what it meant for me because I was now worried about having to navigate the situation with DP and the fact my ex was expected/expecting to attend. It was difficult. But she'd never appeared to have an issue with the party.

Ex lives too far away and doesn't drive (same as some other people from that vicinity) and people have always stayed over at such things. Of course I realise my errors now, but up until not long before beginning this thread it was not something I expected.

I know what you mean, but honestly my ex coming wasn't and isn't something that bothers me at all. I wouldn't mind if DPs ex came either, my ex and her girlfriend were both invited, I am just not someone who gets easily bothered about things that I don't need to be concerned with. I didn't feel pulled in any direction, just that if someone was wanting to come, and it wasn't someone I actively hated (not that there is anyone in my life like that) I would be fine with it.

On balance I don't think I'd be entirely happy if I was in your DPs shoes either.

If my ex had been abusive there's not a cat in hell's chance they'd be allowed past the front door let alone staying over; even if lots of other people are also staying. If you're serious about your current partner you need to step back a bit and distance yourself from your ex.

Thank you

I think my thoughts were all so cloudy due to so much conflict (which I admit I find very difficult) I didn't really know what to think. I do feel that, if I love and care for someone I absolutely can put my feelings aside in most situations. I certainly would try to be good to someone on their birthday. But I appreciate that I have not led the life DP has, she isn't like that, she's more fiery and doesn't find things as easy. That's not a criticism.

Well it should be a criticism & a strong one. Why on earth do you want to be with someone who kicks off at you aggressively. It may not be physical but it's equally unacceptable. 🙄

I think (as often happens) that @category12 and @GreyCarpet have nailed some really important points around how you handle matters and in particular that in your laidbackness and/or anxiety to please, you end up with unnecessary drama such as what is now happening your with birthday party which sounds like it should just be a lot of fun.

And by the way - loving and caring for someone does not mean that you put your feelings aside. That is wrong. Loving and caring for someone does not mean that your feelings become unimportant. Sure there will need to be compromise occasionally - going both ways - but if you have to keep putting your feelings aside in a relationship, then the relationship is bad for you. The fact that you think loving and caring for someone means your needs and wants should not really count makes me wonder what your relationship model was because I suspect it was not a healthy one and you need to revise your understanding of what makes a good relationship.

Your ex was abusive and problematic and frankly it sounds like your current partner is tricky and verging on abusive also. Please have your party and then maybe have a think about whether your current relationship is good for you because I'm not sure it is (and neither are your friends or certain others posting here).

Why can't the DP deal with it? This is a situation that predates her, that she's known about from the start. Why does she now get to dictate who OP can have at THEIR party or in THEIR home? They don't live together and haven't even been together a year!