Feels very intense, am I being love bombed?

[decennium]

I met a guy a few months ago who came to do some building work next door. We hit it off when we met and would find ourselves chatting a lot. it was flirty but it didn’t cross any boundaries and he was never inappropriate, as he was at work.

I found him very attractive but wasn’t clear on what signals I was getting so I didn’t pursue anything or put myself out there. when the job came to an end, we had a very awkward goodbye. He found a reason to return to remedy tiny little bits of work and pop by, and at that point, I felt more confident he might be interested so I put myself out there and said I was going to miss his company.

From there we nervously got chatting by text and he confessed after a few days of nice brief chats he thought I was beautiful, and lovely to be around, and he liked me.

We decided to meet up again on neutral ground, I was so nervous, and turns out so was he. The nervous chemistry between us was intense. We had a very awkward first kiss because he is so tall, all the proportions were off and I was on tip toes but we both laughed about it and it did break the ice.

Since then we met more and each time we have spent hours, and I mean hours and hours, just opening up to each other about our most deep secrets, mistakes, parts of our pasts, hopes, dreams, desires, flaws etc while hugging and kissing affectionately, laughing and enjoying each others company.

I have told this man things I’ve never told my close friends! He asks me things about myself, remembers what I like or what I say, seems interested in getting to know me and is kind to me so far. He doesn’t over text though

We got carried away kissing last time and this led to the bedroom and it was very passionate. However he said he was so nervous and it had been quite a while since he last had sex after his last relationship that he had some performance issues so we ended up just lying together laughing and talking.

Red flags

🚩the over sharing

🚩He is 50 and said he doesn’t know if he’s ever been in love before. He says he is looking for someone to share his life with.

🚩His last relationship was a disaster and ended very badly they do not get along

🚩he says he’s very fussy about who he dates

🚩He says he’s been in therapy about his last relationship

🚩He’s had a pretty promiscuous past

🚩He says he wants to have sex but he’s overthinking it and is experiencing ED. He’s very physically fit

🚩He is solvent and financially stable and seems lonely but I do think he might drink a little too much too often but that’s not clear yet - he does seem to go to the pub a lot. So I don’t know if that’s a red flag

🚩He really is going very fast with his feelings (faster than me) he keeps mentioning how it’s taken him by surprise and there has genuinely been an occasion where I felt like he was going to say he thinks he’s falling in love with me.

🚩He talks about the future a lot and things we could do together

🚩He showed me his house (which was really nice) and told me all his finances and it felt like he wanted to impress me

🚩He says he wants to impress me a lot

🚩The compliments I get are pretty big and grand, but not too often to make me feel uncomfortable

Only time will tell but is this a sea of 🚩? Or am I just cynical and been on MN too long?

what should I look out for as right now I am thinking is this too good to be true?

This says it all to me. He's a keeper. You're a lucky lady xxx

He’s a piss head, it’s a no from me

Well he’s revealed himself.
His primary relationship is with alcohol and I assume his ex partners were aware.
He didn’t give a toss about your boundaries. You wanted an early night and got a drunken man baby.
It is a shame as he is clearly good company but someone who needs to stop at a pub for 5 pints is an alcoholic. The fact that he asked and left you standing there watching him down them all says it all.
The fact that he got up to go to work after all that makes him a functioning alcoholic.
Imagine going on holiday with him? Welcome to hell.

He wasn’t very apologetic about it either which makes it all the more tragic tbh!

There is a part of me that finds this tragically hilarious that he’s relaxed and unravelled this fast, we have been dating about 3 weeks 😂😂

I would feel so bad at keeping someone awake! And also worry what they might think of me. Yeah it’s been fun and I otherwise love his company a lot of the time and he is a sweet guy sometimes but fuck me it’s bonkers.

I asked how his exes would describe him and he answered ‘they would say I was a nightmare and go to the pub a lot’. Who says this to a woman he is trying to be serious about 😂

Also I do feel bad as he’s opened up a lot to me about losing his dad and got a bit upset about it last night so I wasn’t sure if that was all part of this situation. I’m not going to be a twat about it to him, just that I think we enjoy different lifestyles

I agree with you@PinkLady1979 …. Only time will tell if he’s the real deal or a twat….tbh, a lot of the “ red flags” were things I ( and they) felt with both of my husbands…just enjoy the time with him and keep a bit of your heart guarded but not all of it….and I’m by no means a romantic !!! Good luck x

Are you going to tell him it’s over?

She's said about 4 times that she's 7 years younger.

@decennium I'm reading all of that and thinking he sounds like a normal, nice, flawed chap. I don't see red flags.

If it's a red flag to be in bad relationships, then the only pool of men for a 50 year woman would be men who had never had a relationship, because otherwise they wouldn't be single.

Exactly x

Please read my updates 😂

So how are you going to deal with this?
Be blunt?
Slow fade?

I think I’m going to talk to him that it’s all been great fun but I think we have different expectations of a relationship and lifestyles

I don’t want to change someone, it never works long term. I do care about him as a friend tbh I’m not angry about this. The whole point of dating someone is to find out if you are compatible. He’s not done anything directly to me

The man is an alcoholic, and he has no qualms about his alcoholic behaviour causing OP to have a shit night.

It's better to be single than be with a bloke who's married to booze.

Agree. And having walked this path the actual few hours of upbeat drinking are more tolerable than being subjected to the disconnected, distant, contemptuous low mood for the whole of the next day. Very lonely. Some people can’t get on with the term alcoholic - but problem drinker or binge drinker are often more comfortable terms to consider the reality. Someone at this age with a life long binge drinking habit is going to have developed some significant chronic mental and physical health problems.

It also is interesting to me that the person with a demonstrable addiction to mood altering substance gets to determine that the (understandably distraught) mother of his very young children is ‘toxic’, ‘narc’, ‘abusive’ - that would be the hungover drunk raging against some likely basic expectations of being a father to his young children by his co-parent.

"It also is interesting to me that the person with a demonstrable addiction to mood altering substance gets to determine that the (understandably distraught) mother of his very young children is ‘toxic’, ‘narc’, ‘abusive’ - that would be the hungover drunk raging against some likely basic expectations of being a father to his young children by his co-parent."

Yes, so many of these men project who THEY are on their exes.

That's why every woman knows that when a man starts stalking about his "crazy" ex, they know it means he was a crap H who treated his wife badly.

Similar to dating circles - when you see a guy asking for "no drama" on his profile, you know he's going to bring alllll the drama.

How are you doing @decennium?

thanks for checking in, as an update, I’m still with him. He pulled it back with a good amount of (sober) romance and effort.

I’m aware now I’m probably an idiot so I can’t come crying to mumsnet next time!

I met his first ex and she was lovely. Meeting her wasn’t planned but we were in the same place at the same time. There wasn’t a drama.

He’s never moody even if he has a hangover or tired that I’ve seen so far. He also isn’t full of rage that I’ve ever seen of him. Mostly in my experience he’s just like a big, soppy, silly, cuddly, funny idiot. He probably gets away with behaviour other men wouldn’t because he is good at being charming and talking about his feelings. I’m aware it’s early days so I might get to see another side of him (and him of me) but he’s annoyingly charming, thoughtful and endearing 99% of the time so it’s hard to be frustrated by him for very long.

I’m probably the red flag at this point in time

I absolutely despair sometimes when these red flags are seen and brushed over.
This man won’t have changed.
He uses his cuddly persona as a cover.
And don’t think I’m preachy I’ve been there myself a few times and never once have those red flags been wrong.

Of course you can come back anytime crying, checking things out or celebrating his conscious improvements. It’s important you keep checking in with yourself. Have you met his children yet?

This.

OP is younger, childfree, good job and assets. All her income is her own.

He has 4 kids to pay for and look after. He may want to support them at university or with housing deposits. It won't be cheap!

Of course he's keen on things moving quickly. Nanny with fanny followed by nurse with a purse.

He's dropping all these "hints" about how affluent he might be, on paper, so OP starts down the blending lives pathway.

Then of course it won't be fair if she's not contributing to the resources and wellbeing of The Household Children. Or they won't have a good relationship... It's a slippery slope.

I wonder if he'd feel the same way if OP was unemployed or decides to quit work and go to graduate school. Or if she sets out her stall and insists on always having seperate lives and finances, and no stepmother duties.

I’m aware now I’m probably an idiot so I can’t come crying to mumsnet next time!

Nah, you can come crying any time. You won't be the first woman who ignored the red flags and went against her own better judgement, and you won't be the last. Hopefully you won't be made to regret your choices, but if you do, or if you're worried about anything, you absolutely should talk it through with the women of mumsnet.