Feels very intense, am I being love bombed?

[decennium]

I met a guy a few months ago who came to do some building work next door. We hit it off when we met and would find ourselves chatting a lot. it was flirty but it didn’t cross any boundaries and he was never inappropriate, as he was at work.

I found him very attractive but wasn’t clear on what signals I was getting so I didn’t pursue anything or put myself out there. when the job came to an end, we had a very awkward goodbye. He found a reason to return to remedy tiny little bits of work and pop by, and at that point, I felt more confident he might be interested so I put myself out there and said I was going to miss his company.

From there we nervously got chatting by text and he confessed after a few days of nice brief chats he thought I was beautiful, and lovely to be around, and he liked me.

We decided to meet up again on neutral ground, I was so nervous, and turns out so was he. The nervous chemistry between us was intense. We had a very awkward first kiss because he is so tall, all the proportions were off and I was on tip toes but we both laughed about it and it did break the ice.

Since then we met more and each time we have spent hours, and I mean hours and hours, just opening up to each other about our most deep secrets, mistakes, parts of our pasts, hopes, dreams, desires, flaws etc while hugging and kissing affectionately, laughing and enjoying each others company.

I have told this man things I’ve never told my close friends! He asks me things about myself, remembers what I like or what I say, seems interested in getting to know me and is kind to me so far. He doesn’t over text though

We got carried away kissing last time and this led to the bedroom and it was very passionate. However he said he was so nervous and it had been quite a while since he last had sex after his last relationship that he had some performance issues so we ended up just lying together laughing and talking.

Red flags

🚩the over sharing

🚩He is 50 and said he doesn’t know if he’s ever been in love before. He says he is looking for someone to share his life with.

🚩His last relationship was a disaster and ended very badly they do not get along

🚩he says he’s very fussy about who he dates

🚩He says he’s been in therapy about his last relationship

🚩He’s had a pretty promiscuous past

🚩He says he wants to have sex but he’s overthinking it and is experiencing ED. He’s very physically fit

🚩He is solvent and financially stable and seems lonely but I do think he might drink a little too much too often but that’s not clear yet - he does seem to go to the pub a lot. So I don’t know if that’s a red flag

🚩He really is going very fast with his feelings (faster than me) he keeps mentioning how it’s taken him by surprise and there has genuinely been an occasion where I felt like he was going to say he thinks he’s falling in love with me.

🚩He talks about the future a lot and things we could do together

🚩He showed me his house (which was really nice) and told me all his finances and it felt like he wanted to impress me

🚩He says he wants to impress me a lot

🚩The compliments I get are pretty big and grand, but not too often to make me feel uncomfortable

Only time will tell but is this a sea of 🚩? Or am I just cynical and been on MN too long?

what should I look out for as right now I am thinking is this too good to be true?

I couldn’t be with someone as intense as him.

There could be many reasons for ED, but the intensity won’t be helping. In my experience ED is more common very early in a relationship… once things relax, sex improves.

I have told this man things I’ve never told my close friends!
Good grief! What is up with you?
You hardly know him and you are telling him all this personal stuff!
I think you are being either extremely weird for doing this or too trusting.

Beware the man who slags off his ex and mum of his children. If he says she is a psyco, you know he made her like that xx

@decennium Does he have his children overnight/weekends and did you actually go into his house?

Personally I don’t think a trained therapist would call a person they had never met a N, if they did then that’s unprofessional and for him to embellish - a red flag

is this a sea of 🚩?
Yes. I wouldn't go near this man. No point to "see where things will go" with him, it's very easy to predict where they'll go: in the toilet.

I’m not sure you need to throw him back just yet, but the fact you’re having doubts says a lot. Take a step back. Give yourself some breathing space. The ED isn’t necessarily a red flag on its own.

How old are you @decennium and do you have children?
How old are his children?
What relationship does he have with them?
Does he pay regular maintenance if they are under 18?
Does he moan about paying?

Why on earth would you tell a man you have known for 3-4 months your deepest, darkest secrets @decennium? This shows a lack of boundaries on your part.
I think you need to cool things down a little. Keep an eye on what kind of father he is, is he a player but looking for someone to mind his kids long term? If he is, he will be looking for someone with a lack of boundaries, someone he can easily manipulate.
Or he may just be a lost 50 year old builder looking for true love. Keep your guard up and stop sharing your secrets!

I’m 7 years younger than him.

I’ve been to his house a few times.
It’s really nice, tidy, clean, well kept.
His kids have nice rooms there, loads of kids stuff around and tons of photos of them
He's close to his mum
His dad passed away and he’s opened up about that as it has affected him

I’ve not met the kids obviously! but he says has them over quite frequently during the week and at weekends and I believe him

He talks really positively about his kids but he seems to struggle co parenting with his last ex at times

He has had 2 very long term relationships
The first one he said he was young and stupid and was his own fault for messing it all up but he doesn’t think it was love, more familiarity

The last one he also says he wasn’t an angel but they clashed and brought out the worst sides of each other, he went to therapy to try to rebuild his life and he said some of the ED was because when their relationship was falling apart, sex became a reward/punishment system they got trapped in

The future stuff:

he has said stuff about selling his big house and downsizing to go mortgage free. This could have been just chit chat, but he said it in a way that sounded like ‘maybe this is something we could do together’. I have a fairly successful job but I think he has more assets than me.

Whoever said that he might like the feeling of chasing/falling in love I absolutely do worry about this, I wonder if hes chasing a feeling and when life got boring and normal, that would become dull. Thats my main gut feeling right now

This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about earlier and here you are interpreting it to be about you.

@FoldItIn I genuinely don’t know, we both have said this is weird and it’s like verbal diarrhoea it just seems to happen. However I think we been through therapy now and maybe have an honesty is best policy now

It’s not like trauma dumping it’s more ‘hey look these are all my fuck ups and regrets, if you still like me now after hearing that shit then you must really like me’ and the more honest it gets, the more weirdly attractive it seems to become, it’s like being completely naked in front of someone you just met and letting go of all your inhibitions and saying fuck it, this is me

But I was present during this conversation and it felt like he was trying to show me hes a catch with prospects. He also told me about financial investments and inheritance stuff for absolutely no reason, I didn’t ask

Exactly.

I thought this too. And the oversharing and creating a false sense of intimacy with someone you barely know. Be wary. And stop telling him everything.

Maybe discuss how you would fit into his life if/when you meet his dc..
I met dh as total strangers. Probably over shared. Both recently from long term relationships...he never talked negatively about his ex even though he literally caught her shagging his mate..
Been married 10 years with a dc now.

I would dial it back a bit, see how things progress and keep checking back with your gut. You seem to have your eyes open and are not naively taking everything he says at face value. You never know, he might actually be a nice guy who's feelings have run away with him! 😱

Honestly, I'd like to know what a man has to be like to not trigger red flag warnings on here!

@MagpiePi I know it’s not all men, but it’s enough men. I don’t know this man, he could be a violent domestic abuser for all I know. It’s not like DV perpetrators wear a badge on them for easy ID

Unfortunately women have to go into things with their eyes open. I’m not taking anything at face value as it could be complete bullshit. If he turns out to surprise me, then that is amazing.

He is built like a brick shit house and I’m currently being led by my animal brain slightly. Even the sound of his voice goes straight to my nether regions 🙈

So basically his whole relationship history is shocking.

He admits that he behaved terribly in his first long term relationship (bad boy / shagging around?).

Then his next long term relationship was totally toxic - and he still struggles to behave with civility as co-parent.

I suggest the common denominator is him. I think he’s a wrong ‘un. Two toxic relationships.

I think there is possibility of addiction? ED from coke or alcohol?

Trust your gut here.

Do you believe he has been honest and objective about the relationship with the mother of his children. There doesn’t seem to be any capacity for respect for her or any self reflection. Seems very black and white - she is to blame - which indicates emotional ignorance.

I think deep down your gut is telling you that something is wrong. You are trying to find reasons to ignore it.
I'd just carry on seeing him if you enjoy doing so but don’t over share any further information, let him do all the talking; you’ll find out what’s actually going on sooner or later. Just don’t commit to him.

Agree - it’s a bit like if you walk into a house and see / smell smoke - you have two options - turn around and get out - or go investigating to find the source of the fire down in the basement or up in the attic.

There’s nothing to suggest that this person is dangerous, so I don’t think you need to be afraid of him, or anything like that. But my gut feeling is that something about him doesn’t add up, a lot of what he says feels performative.

You’ve said you’re really into him, and that’s completely understandable. People like this can be incredibly charming, warm, and hard to resist, that’s often how they draw people in. They make you feel special and chosen, and it’s easy to get swept up in that.

My advice would be to enjoy the connection for what it is, but stay aware. And be careful about how much personal information you share with him right now. You’re still getting to know him, and it’s wise to keep some boundaries until you have a clearer sense of who he really is.