Feels very intense, am I being love bombed?

[decennium]

I met a guy a few months ago who came to do some building work next door. We hit it off when we met and would find ourselves chatting a lot. it was flirty but it didn’t cross any boundaries and he was never inappropriate, as he was at work.

I found him very attractive but wasn’t clear on what signals I was getting so I didn’t pursue anything or put myself out there. when the job came to an end, we had a very awkward goodbye. He found a reason to return to remedy tiny little bits of work and pop by, and at that point, I felt more confident he might be interested so I put myself out there and said I was going to miss his company.

From there we nervously got chatting by text and he confessed after a few days of nice brief chats he thought I was beautiful, and lovely to be around, and he liked me.

We decided to meet up again on neutral ground, I was so nervous, and turns out so was he. The nervous chemistry between us was intense. We had a very awkward first kiss because he is so tall, all the proportions were off and I was on tip toes but we both laughed about it and it did break the ice.

Since then we met more and each time we have spent hours, and I mean hours and hours, just opening up to each other about our most deep secrets, mistakes, parts of our pasts, hopes, dreams, desires, flaws etc while hugging and kissing affectionately, laughing and enjoying each others company.

I have told this man things I’ve never told my close friends! He asks me things about myself, remembers what I like or what I say, seems interested in getting to know me and is kind to me so far. He doesn’t over text though

We got carried away kissing last time and this led to the bedroom and it was very passionate. However he said he was so nervous and it had been quite a while since he last had sex after his last relationship that he had some performance issues so we ended up just lying together laughing and talking.

Red flags

🚩the over sharing

🚩He is 50 and said he doesn’t know if he’s ever been in love before. He says he is looking for someone to share his life with.

🚩His last relationship was a disaster and ended very badly they do not get along

🚩he says he’s very fussy about who he dates

🚩He says he’s been in therapy about his last relationship

🚩He’s had a pretty promiscuous past

🚩He says he wants to have sex but he’s overthinking it and is experiencing ED. He’s very physically fit

🚩He is solvent and financially stable and seems lonely but I do think he might drink a little too much too often but that’s not clear yet - he does seem to go to the pub a lot. So I don’t know if that’s a red flag

🚩He really is going very fast with his feelings (faster than me) he keeps mentioning how it’s taken him by surprise and there has genuinely been an occasion where I felt like he was going to say he thinks he’s falling in love with me.

🚩He talks about the future a lot and things we could do together

🚩He showed me his house (which was really nice) and told me all his finances and it felt like he wanted to impress me

🚩He says he wants to impress me a lot

🚩The compliments I get are pretty big and grand, but not too often to make me feel uncomfortable

Only time will tell but is this a sea of 🚩? Or am I just cynical and been on MN too long?

what should I look out for as right now I am thinking is this too good to be true?

Oh, come on! Is the red flag simply that he’s a great but not squeaky clean bloke?

I wonder if those of you feeling so negative have self esteem issues?

If this man is perfect, surely you don’t push him away. I’d totally go for it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t. But you don’t stop yourself from enjoying this very promising start just because it’s too good?

You say he is 50. How old are you? I find the talking for hours and hours about each other's secrets, hopes and dreams quite a turn-off. I think I'd fall asleep. I think I would prefer a little less conversation, a little more action. There is something off about him, as you've described it, but can't say what.

When I met my now husband I felt like I was magnetically drawn to him. We’d find any reason just to touch and I used to say to him that if I could I’d crawl under his skin just to be close to him. It hasn’t changed 15 years later. We still feel the need to touch all the time. We still have butterflies when the other enters the room and he is by far the most attractive person I have ever known. Sometimes it just works and sometimes you go with your gut. I was separated and in my late 30s with a young child btw when we met.

But what was his relationship history? Did he say he was very promiscuous and behaved badly to the mother of his first set of children and then leave and have another family that also fell apart because the relationship / crazy ex was toxic? How would you have considered that history would have intensified your chemistry.

I note the OP has chosen not to respond to Qs about his two sets of children / two families that have broken down. That’s absolutely fine - I am not pushing for that it’s just something that the OP should reflect on for herself as the only indication of future behaviour is the patterns from past behaviours.

OP also says she in not anxious in his company even though she is usually a very anxious person - yet has started this thread.

Would also be important for OP to look at her own relationship history and to consider any repetition or patterns.

But it’s a good start shes aware and vigilant. Who knows he might just be the perfect gentleman who was treated badly / unlucky in love.

SaferHaven
Warning!!
Take it from an experienced dater - I didn’t even finish your post and have rushed to reply to say he is definitely love bombing you.
so many men and older men are like this.
Think they get addicted to the intensity of the newness then they generally get bored and move on to their next victim.

I was the opposite- read most of the post and thought it looked just like normal dating, albeit maybe moving a bit fast- love bombing seems a very overkill description tbh

Didn't he suggest after 8 weeks to consider merging their assets? Too much way too soon. For that comment alone I'd bin him.

I also wonder if the nice big house he is living in is the original family home - and he has to downsize it as part of financial settlement anyway? We don’t know how recently the second family broke down.

He had plenty of time working next door to OP to gather info on her financial status and preferences - so as PP has said plenty of time to observe and mirror.

I do try to answer questions

He has 2 sets of children of different ages yes. He sees all of them regularly. Yeah he had a pretty murky relationship history but I can’t say he hasn’t been up front about them so I don’t know what more I can add to this at this stage but I’m on alert.

I asked for opinions to keep me grounded rather than letting it run away with me and this thread has been great. My anxiety to start a thread was where is the catch (or am I in the dick sand 🫠)

He’s being really nice to me, whether this continues and it’s all smoke and mirrors I don’t know. He doesn’t do anything in his behaviours, body language or anything to make me feel uneasy or anxious. He initiates texts, doesn’t leave it too long to answer them, hasn’t withdrawn from me since I met him months ago, always seems happy to see or speak to me, friendly, makes an effort, asks me stuff.

I don’t know if I trust my own judgment, I’m not always reliable judge of character

@abigailll no it’s his home and he bought it years ago. The exes moved in then out into their own homes. He is talking about downsizing it. He pays maintenance for all the kids he says, more than CMS. He has a successful business and that is how I met him

Goodness he has 4 school age DCs from two separate families to manage? I am sure he can support financially but it must be tough emotionally and time wise to juggle all of them. How old are they - and do you have children of your own who you plan to blend with his existing two families down the line?

@abigailll he usually sees them all at the same time 3-4 days a week I understand. The older ones will leave education in the near future. No I am not blending kids or want my own. He never complains about juggling them so I don’t know how it is in reality. He talks about them very positively and appears to be an engaged dad. He brought his older son to work with him once, so I have seen him and them together but not spoken to him iyswim

@Morepositivemum
do you know if they were under 25ish id think it was sweet but I think by the time you get to middle age you become a bit more savvy about what’s appropriate.
By that point in your life you just have more life experience even if you’re feeling all the crazy feelings it’s just good to take it slow/with caution.
The other person is ultimately a stranger and this is the stage in a relationship that you’re learning about each other.
Grand statements at this early stage don’t necessarily ring true as really you don’t know each other or you have the wherewithal to think ‘hold on - if I say this out loud I run the risk of sounding a bit intense/unauthentic/down right crazy!’

Looks like he has them 50:50 - so CMS or maintenance payments are not required - but maybe he feels he wants to or needs to subsidise / provide both his exes with generous payments?

If you don’t have children yourself I would think carefully about getting involved with someone with 4 DCs from 2 families both of whom he had bad relationships with their mothers - I would expect them to be emotionally high maintenance teenagers with such challenging parents.

I don’t know if I trust my own judgment, I’m not always reliable judge of character

You're a perfectly good judge of character. You don't actually trust this guy, that's all. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not broken. You don't trust him because you don't know him yet. But the talk and sex has all been super intense and it's accelerating everything so you feel you should be more sure than you are, he's telling you all these things about himself so you think you do know him so you feel bad for not trusting him.

You are trying to tell yourself everything is genuinely great and any doubts are "all in your head" or "trust issues" or whatever. But actually it's completely normal to have doubts about someone you've only known a few months. And you already have a long list of potential red flags.

Whether you think that's nonsense or not, I don't know, but I would say you definitely need to slow things down because the way you talk about the relationship is as if you're addicted to him and a bit out of control. And I know that's a sort of version of being in love that gets shown a lot but actually when you think about it, it's kind of fucked up.

In my experience, romances that start in a heady rush usually end in horrible drama quite soon afterwards. There's nothing wrong with taking things slowly and actually getting to know this man in a normal way, meeting each other's friends, going places together, checking out each other's hobbies. All the intense therapy talk and self-disclosure must get really boring after a while.

SaferHaven

Im in my 40s and I suppose every relationship I had started in the honeymoon phase, as do most. Love bombing to me is more someone trying to push that they think you’re a goddess and you belong together as opposed to what op described- a mutual getting to know of each other

@wrongthinker good food for thought. He’s stepped back a bit I think on saying stuff about feelings to some degree from the initial rush where he was more intense, as we agreed we would try to focus on having fun and seeing where things go. He hasn’t pushed this, or me into anything. He doesn’t push me for dates or declarations of feelings. He says nice things like I’ve looked forward to seeing you, thanks for such a nice evening, I like spending time with you, he tends to say ‘I’ve been thinking about you a lot’ more than anything gushy. I am just not used to a man saying this stuff, plus also he’s gives me slight fuck boy energy in my loins so I’m wary.

Don't ignore your gut, OP. It's telling you something important.

Honestly, every time I got that persistent low down niggle of doubt and disregarded it, I learned eventually - sometimes bitterly - that it was entirely justified.

He should be making you feel safe and calm, not scared and nervous.

Keep your eyes out and listen to your gut.

Sometimes though that can come from a lifetime of disappointing relationships and just being extremely cynical about love and therefore always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't think it always means anything (though it can do, not saying you are wrong about that).

I'd say yes from what you wrote. Take it slow and see. Might be wrong but previous relationship and even showing you his house is to me. Trying to impress so soon? You starts this thread so something in you as doubts.

Update his relationship history is questionable as well. He can you tell anything , doesn't mean its true.

My narcissist ex is close to this mum and kids have nice rooms at his house. He's amazing to the outside but myself and two of his exes were left picking up pieces after. He was also close his nan and was devastated after she passed away. He's a walking red flag

These men know how to get your darkest secrets out of you and then use them against you one day, sorry if im being negative. Fell for it too and it's not possible to co parent normally. I couldn't believe it when he turned on me for me nothing. Oh and I found out his lovely ex wasn't crazy or depressed. Nor the previous one. Can't believe I fell for him.

Yes that sometimes can be the case - but you need to then add in the context of the others relationship history as they tell it (with a pinch of salt) - and in this case his is very poor - and would suggest he’s the common denominator in the breakdown of two family units and his behaviour that he describes is not just incompatibility and benign growing apart - you will know in time if this leopard has changed his spots.

What a mean thing to say about a medical condition

OP, he has told you he messed up his first relationship and he was 'no angel' in his second relationship and he thinks he may never have been in love before, despite having more than one child with the same woman?

Those details stack up for me, into Maya Angelou's advice: 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.' He does not respect and nurture the women he has long term relationships with. He has clearly explained this to you.

My thoughts too. He's trying desperately to sell himself because he has ED issues, possibly more serious than he makes out.
Given he felt the need to have counselling because of suicidal thoughts, could he be taking medication that causes the ED?

Take your time with this one and see how it plays out.