Feels very intense, am I being love bombed?

[decennium]

I met a guy a few months ago who came to do some building work next door. We hit it off when we met and would find ourselves chatting a lot. it was flirty but it didn’t cross any boundaries and he was never inappropriate, as he was at work.

I found him very attractive but wasn’t clear on what signals I was getting so I didn’t pursue anything or put myself out there. when the job came to an end, we had a very awkward goodbye. He found a reason to return to remedy tiny little bits of work and pop by, and at that point, I felt more confident he might be interested so I put myself out there and said I was going to miss his company.

From there we nervously got chatting by text and he confessed after a few days of nice brief chats he thought I was beautiful, and lovely to be around, and he liked me.

We decided to meet up again on neutral ground, I was so nervous, and turns out so was he. The nervous chemistry between us was intense. We had a very awkward first kiss because he is so tall, all the proportions were off and I was on tip toes but we both laughed about it and it did break the ice.

Since then we met more and each time we have spent hours, and I mean hours and hours, just opening up to each other about our most deep secrets, mistakes, parts of our pasts, hopes, dreams, desires, flaws etc while hugging and kissing affectionately, laughing and enjoying each others company.

I have told this man things I’ve never told my close friends! He asks me things about myself, remembers what I like or what I say, seems interested in getting to know me and is kind to me so far. He doesn’t over text though

We got carried away kissing last time and this led to the bedroom and it was very passionate. However he said he was so nervous and it had been quite a while since he last had sex after his last relationship that he had some performance issues so we ended up just lying together laughing and talking.

Red flags

🚩the over sharing

🚩He is 50 and said he doesn’t know if he’s ever been in love before. He says he is looking for someone to share his life with.

🚩His last relationship was a disaster and ended very badly they do not get along

🚩he says he’s very fussy about who he dates

🚩He says he’s been in therapy about his last relationship

🚩He’s had a pretty promiscuous past

🚩He says he wants to have sex but he’s overthinking it and is experiencing ED. He’s very physically fit

🚩He is solvent and financially stable and seems lonely but I do think he might drink a little too much too often but that’s not clear yet - he does seem to go to the pub a lot. So I don’t know if that’s a red flag

🚩He really is going very fast with his feelings (faster than me) he keeps mentioning how it’s taken him by surprise and there has genuinely been an occasion where I felt like he was going to say he thinks he’s falling in love with me.

🚩He talks about the future a lot and things we could do together

🚩He showed me his house (which was really nice) and told me all his finances and it felt like he wanted to impress me

🚩He says he wants to impress me a lot

🚩The compliments I get are pretty big and grand, but not too often to make me feel uncomfortable

Only time will tell but is this a sea of 🚩? Or am I just cynical and been on MN too long?

what should I look out for as right now I am thinking is this too good to be true?

He doesn’t have further ED issues I think it was just initial nerves as he hadn’t had sex with anyone for quite some time. I’m the one who can’t finish tbh and feel under pressure in my own head but I think this is because I have to be able to fully relax and let go and that’s always harder with a new partner.

I’ve woken up in his house this morning he’s gone out to work. we spent the evening together laughing and having fun it was less heavy and we are kind of avoiding chats about what our relationship is and deep and meaningful stuff. He’s taking me away next weekend and we are focused on fun rather than heavy romance.

Without defending him too much, he is always really nice about his first ex he talks about her in a nice way, they get along. I’ve never heard him say one negative thing about her. He only said bad things about himself that he was immature.

Things are going ok so I will come back and update if any changes, thanks for all the input 😊

You need to be really careful here - you are now excusing / minimising his ED - when just a couple of posts ago you said this:

“he said some of the ED was because when their relationship was falling apart, sex became a reward/punishment system they got trapped in”

Two things here. You are gaslighting yourself for some reason about the origin and scale of his ED - and to read that sex was some sort of reward / punishment system that he participated in is deeply disturbing and troubling.

I struggle with his narrative that he was the reason his first family collapsed because of HIS poor behaviour and oddly that he was the victim in his second family collapse. That doesn’t add up to me.

Keep checking your perception against the facts.

What is your relationship history and is there an age gap? Have you been taken advantage of before?

Call me negative and cynical - but the ‘never been in love before’ is likely a set up for a few months time when he announces he’s in love with you.

Also the downsizing is convenient timing and again doesnt stack up if you have 4 school age DCs staying with you 50% of the time and considering adding in a GF - would have thought upsizing was the order of the day.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Keep vigilant.

You don't trust him enough to be able to have an orgasm with him. That probably should be ringing alarm bells. Does he know you're not having orgasms and is he concerned? I agree with pp that you might be downplaying things.

I hope he does turn out to be decent. It's good to hear that you're having more fun and being less intense now, anyway. There's no rush to make any commitments or changes. You get to know someone deeply over time and having lots of different experiences together. Seeing what he's like when things go wrong, or when you're feeling low, or he is. It all just takes time.

I don’t think any Red flags as such. Just take it at your pace.

On paper, things are moving fast and looking great. He initiates all our plans, already gave me a spare house key, introduced me to his friends, and we've talked about a real future together. We had an amazing weekend away where he spoilt me and treated me so nicely and it was relaxing and quite romantic.

But the more time we spend together evenings and weekends, the more I’m noticing a pattern with his drinking that’s making me concerned

He drinks almost every single day to relax. When he’s had a drink or two, he is usually this incredibly sweet, open, and affectionate puppy dog.

During the day when he's sober (or hungover), he’s slightly more guarded and careful with his words.

Last night he cooked me food. He had a few drinks before I arrived, and while we were cuddling, he started "joking" that he’s luring me in so I can help him raise his kids since doing it alone is hard. I laughed it off and suggested an au pair, but he doubled down and said I seem nice and would be good with them.

we started having sex later, but he had to stop halfway through to run to the toilet for a wee because of the beer he'd drank. It killed the mood after that, so we just ate dinner and I went home as he had an early start.

I’m really liking him, but I can't shake the feeling that he’s using alcohol as an emotional crutch to open up, or worse, looking for wife/mum type person to help his life function.

Do you reckon I am dealing with a "Fun Bobby" situation here, or am I overthinking?

I think I am going to back off a bit and slow it down again while I try work things out.

I don't think you are overthinking at all. I think your gut is telling you things are not quite right and you are listening to that, which is a GOOD thing. Time is your friend here and you are right to be cautious.

Some of your 🚩's are green flags to me!

Go with the flow.

Good luck x

How much drinking are we talking about on a daily basis? A glass of wine of an evening, or several?

I would be worried about the comment about helping him raise his kids, that doesn't sound like such a joke tbh.

He had a few drinks before I arrived, and while we were cuddling, he started "joking" that he’s luring me in so I can help him raise his kids since doing it alone is hard. I laughed it off and suggested an au pair, but he doubled down

He is rushing this relationship and he told you flat out what he's doing with you. That was no joke. Believe him. He wants a bangmaidnanny. That he doubled down when you suggested a nanny, that's really a bad sign.

He has a problematic relationship with alcohol. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. There is no way I would date much less get involved with someone with alcohol or substance abuse issues.

Your sex life doesn't satisfy you. You're don't orgasm with him despite all this physical chemistry.

He has kids living with him part time, you've been seeing him for a few months, and he's already given you a key. That's rushing. Don't let him rush you into meeting his kids or doing stuff at his place or moving in.

The downsizing. If his kids are with him a few days a week, why is he thinking of downsizing?

The alcohol, the telling you you were going to help him raise his kids, and the bad sex would all have me running. I would not continue this relationship. Those were all deal breakers for me when I was dating (I didn't date men with kids). Those 3 together, hell no.

@outerspacepotato some of the sex has been really good. it’s not particularly consistent. I have had one orgasm so far - and he isn’t lazy tbh, he really does put the time in. Maybe TMI I’m sorry but this is a skill and learning issue for him, I’ve not actually met many who first understand the skill of good sex is not just the act of the sex until they are shown it can be more than that.

I’ve noticed he’s started to initiate slowing sex right down rather than just going at it hard and fast. The best sex we had I controlled all of it to show him. He said he’s never really had good slow intimate sex where you feel the deeper connection and sensations and didn’t appreciate it before. He’s sexy and well endowed and I assumed wrongly he would be good at it 😂

but yeah I said oh am I just here for blow jobs and childcare LOL (fake LOL) and he responded oh I would take turns and give you oral and do all the DIY. So some of it can be passed off as performative sexist banter but I am still seeing 🚩

One orgasm in months is not a good sex life. Men who really enjoy sex with women take their time and enjoy a woman's pleasure as well as their own. Frankly, a man with a big dick who goes at it hard and fast is not skilled, to say the least.

A man in his 50s who said he's never had good sex, I wouldn't believe that for a minute. As he drinks daily, he's likely to experience sexual difficulties like ED. That he had to interrupt sex to go urinate because of all the beer he drank, wut...

Watch yourself. If he asks you to do favours at his or has something come up and can you pick up x kid, just say no. He really does want a bangmaidnanny.

Why would he be talking downsizing when he's got kids 50/50? Does he plan on kicking them out when they hit 18? Or making staying at his uncomfortable enough they don't want to be there? That's really odd. You don't want to end up with some dude and his teens in a 2 bedroom and it almost sounds like that's his plan.

He sounds a bit like me with the talking and drinking to be honest.

My brain doesn't seem to work like most peoples when is comes to conversation. I struggle to come up with the right words, to get my point across, it's like my brain doesn't work fast enough, and so conversation with me is a bit stilted and surface level.

I can be spectacularly eloquent when it comes to writing stuff down, but it just doesn't work in person.

Unless I'm two pints in, at which point whatever blocker lives in my brain just unlocks and what comes out of my mouth is actually what I mean to say. Unfortunately by about 4 pints I've lost it and I'm talking too much and its trending towards being rubbish. Friends have reported the same sweet spot when it comes to playing pool or darts and stuff, where they're crap until they hit a sweet spot where they're relaxed and really good until they have another pint and exit out the other side. Unfortunately for me, it's basic conversation that I need to hit that sweet spot for.

This, of course, is really dangerous. I spent way too much of my 20's and 30's being a couple of pints in, just to try and fit in. Dates were always in pubs. I'd pop into the pub for one before interviews to "steady my nerves" (and it worked! I always got the job if I'd been for a pint first.) I'd have a couple of cans in the house if a girlfriend was over, because otherwise I could see them getting bored with me.

Luckily I met DP, a woman who talks so much that my participation in the conversation is basically optional, otherwise by now my liver would probably have given up the ghost by now.

I do still drink, and my preferred evening out will always be sat in the pub with a couple of mates, but it's way less than I used to. I've accepted that the "boring" version of me is the real one, and as the only people I care about, DP and DD, don't find me stilted and awkward, then I don't care if other people do.

I do still feel like the best, most authentic version of me when I'm two pints in though.

I am sorry but I don’t think this guy is a keeper. Men look for caregivers and you fit nicely. Of course, he can like you and be good company but you don’t know him at all.
The drinking would bother me. The sex would bother me in that the drinking influences it. The comment about childcare isn’t a joke it’s testing the waters.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots thanks, yeah I do think this is spot on. He completely lets his filter or worries about himself go and he’s absolutely so lovely when he relaxes like that, it’s the best fun as well. We walked back from the pub on Sunday after he had a couple of drinks, he held my hand and was all funny, vulnerable and lovely. I suspect he does think he’s boring otherwise and drink makes him more chatty and interesting. Sunday morning he was much quieter, was finding it a bit more challenging and no hand holding 😂

I am glad that you found your person and can be yourself it’s lovely

@outerspacepotato yeah also spot on, having a big dick doesn’t make you good at sex. He never said he hadn’t had good sex - he had never had good SLOW sex. You know, the crazy slow intense everything feels tingly type and well during that he had like a new experience he hadn’t had before 😂 so I think it’s opening his mind.

The downsizing thing is because his other kids are older and he’s talking 5 years time, when they will have flown the nest fully.

he’s talking 5 years time, when they will have flown the nest fully.

If they're all going to be gone, why does he need help raising his kids?

And believe me, you do not want to be living with unrelated teens and his expectations that you "raise them".

As a parent, he can't really predict that. I had one living at home until 28, the other is still here. Given the rough economic situation, they could stay at home working on saving for housing for some years. It's so unaffordable where I am my eldest had to move to a cheaper city.

I still don't believe he's never had good slow sex unless he's a complete dud in bed. The man's in his 50s. That sounds like a bullshit line.

He sounds profoundly unattractive to me, but any man that said I would be raising their kids, drank daily, and was inept at sex would have me sprinting away like FloJo.

You know what I do reckon he’s testing out my boundaries and seeing how far he can push me you are right. He’s seeing if I’m a pushover. As I was leaving his house last night he called back to me from the door and repeated some bits of the banter about trapping me down to wife me up. I gave him a look then I left, as I wasn’t sure how I was meant to be taking this information.

He’s texting me today but none of it’s very sweet or romantic it’s all mostly sexual.

When he says he’s not been in love I think he’s probably telling the truth! I don’t think this man has actually had true deep and meaningful connected relationships before, which explains the not great sex. Sounds like he had two very long term relationships on his terms that he decided when they end if they no longer meet his needs and the rest is casual stuff. He has had therapy since then so I suspect he’s trying out his new persona on me to see if it fits but old habits die hard?

I am meeting up with him tomorrow but I am going to go into that a bit differently than before and use it as an opportunity to give it more assessment as up till now I’ve just been sucked into the whirlwind of it all. I’m pretty sure he will try quickly to get me to go to the pub with him then back to his for some sex 😂

He also is a bit afraid of me in some ways as I’m nothing like his exes, they both relied on him for his income and raised the kids and I’m independent and don’t need him. When I met him that’s what he told me he liked about me

when someone shows you who they are you should listen the first time?

Yes, watch closely when people show you who they are, really, really closely. Always take note as well when words and actions don't match. That's not a good sign either.

How long was he in therapy for? What was the therapy addressing specifically?

TBH, the fact that you are doubting so much about him and posting on here about it gives me the heebeegeebees for you. Usually, someone who is genuine and has good intentions doesn't make us feel uncertain, test our boundaries etc. Someone with good intentions will try to communicate clearly and make us feel reassured.

A really good test is "would I do / say that?". If the answer is no, then you are probably dealing with a person who at the very least has different values to you and at worst may not be well intended towards you.

Just go with the flow. If it gets uncomfortable then end it. No point in analysing it now. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve never been in love before.
I’ve never had slow sex before.
You are so different to my exes.
Pull the other one, fella.
I would think I’ve had some fun here, perhaps one orgasm, and move the fuck on.
Doesn’t matter how gorgeous he is. A man of that age who is still very attractive is no wallflower in awe of an independent woman.
He sounds great for a fling but long term? He has so many issues and these comments about wifing you up are just cringe.
There was a thread on here recently, fabulously independent woman who fell for all this an ended up like a housemaid to him and his three teenage kids. They were that awful she had to get a cleaner into help her.
He literally changed overnight once he’d snagged her, wouldn’t do a thing, she was left to get on with it.
When she’d had enough he wouldn’t leave and then the real nastiness started.
I am not saying this guy is the same but I bet his two ex partners would howl if they could hear some of his lines.

Ah OP, one orgasm in several months? That's not okay.

Honestly, you've had lots of doubts. Stop giving him chances, because it starts to trap you. You get into a cycle of doubting and forgiving. Meanwhile, your own confidence starts eroding because you're not listening to yourself. And your spirit suffers.

I think you can call it quits before you see the incontrovertible proof that he's not the one for you. You already know, and now you're just giving him chances to mess with you.

Right I’m not trying to defend him trust me 😂 but I’ve only slept with him a few times, we have known each other 5 ish months now, but we were not dating until quite recently and we don’t see each other more than 1-2 times a week sometimes less. We would still be learning what each other likes. We have spent a lot more time talking and going out and doing dating stuff than we do in bed so it’s not just been centred around sex.

I have woken up at his house, he’s gone to work. He gets up very early so he’s often tired in the evenings.

He took me out last night we had a lovely dinner and some very deep conversations about politics and our families, and 3 alcoholic drinks over a period of 2 hours. We talked and laughed it was lovely. I called him out on the wifing me up jokes, and he said he is aware I’ve got my own career, that’s what he likes that I’m independent and self sufficient so he said he promised he’s not expecting to get a bangmaidnanny from me as I’m not offering that and I was clear that’s not for me.

We mutually agreed to have an ‘early night’ as I was finished drinking, and we have work the next day and he paid the bill, but walking on the way back home he said ‘let’s go for one more drink in the pub’….and then I watched him drink 5 pints of beer in very quick succession and get drunk.

We got back home, he then couldn’t get it up so sex was off the menu, he was very tired, snored terribly and an hour later he was back up ALL night with terrible heartburn.

I’m aware this is a lost cause now and I have to throw this one back, it’s just so bloody annoying because he ticks so many good boxes yet also so many bad ones!

Oh wow OP— that is dreadful behaviour. I think he’s an alcoholic.

@decennium well done. You watched and he showed you himself and now you know! You also know that your gut can be trusted too. You've definitely dodged a bullet with this one.

He has explicitly told you that he wants a nanny with a fanny. He has told you repeartedly that this is what he wants. You need to decide if that it what you want: to look after his children and house for him.

He also appears to have an aloohol problem. I'd enjoy this one for a while, keep it light and move on. I suspect you won't though. You also appear to have fallen for the 'I've never loved any woman before you' line.

@NewDogOwner there has been an update don’t worry see above 😂😂

I’m so tired I’ve had no sleep he was literally retching and pacing for hours with this heartburn. He went downstairs and was trying to find antacids and all I could hear was retching so loud. Then it all went quiet so I went down to see if he was ok, and he had passed out on the sofa looking uncomfortable so I woke him up and said go get in bed. He came back up and then started snoring again. That was my own fault 😂

He woke up at 5am and was actually fine, wtf 😂

I said I’m laying off the drink from now on and he said well you got to let your hair down sometimes.

I’ve never seen someone down 5 pints that fast it was quite impressive in a morbid way

watching it suddenly deteriorate from a mature, romantic dinner date into a rugby team night out was mind blowing

obviously this has no legs