Feels very intense, am I being love bombed?

[decennium]

I met a guy a few months ago who came to do some building work next door. We hit it off when we met and would find ourselves chatting a lot. it was flirty but it didn’t cross any boundaries and he was never inappropriate, as he was at work.

I found him very attractive but wasn’t clear on what signals I was getting so I didn’t pursue anything or put myself out there. when the job came to an end, we had a very awkward goodbye. He found a reason to return to remedy tiny little bits of work and pop by, and at that point, I felt more confident he might be interested so I put myself out there and said I was going to miss his company.

From there we nervously got chatting by text and he confessed after a few days of nice brief chats he thought I was beautiful, and lovely to be around, and he liked me.

We decided to meet up again on neutral ground, I was so nervous, and turns out so was he. The nervous chemistry between us was intense. We had a very awkward first kiss because he is so tall, all the proportions were off and I was on tip toes but we both laughed about it and it did break the ice.

Since then we met more and each time we have spent hours, and I mean hours and hours, just opening up to each other about our most deep secrets, mistakes, parts of our pasts, hopes, dreams, desires, flaws etc while hugging and kissing affectionately, laughing and enjoying each others company.

I have told this man things I’ve never told my close friends! He asks me things about myself, remembers what I like or what I say, seems interested in getting to know me and is kind to me so far. He doesn’t over text though

We got carried away kissing last time and this led to the bedroom and it was very passionate. However he said he was so nervous and it had been quite a while since he last had sex after his last relationship that he had some performance issues so we ended up just lying together laughing and talking.

Red flags

🚩the over sharing

🚩He is 50 and said he doesn’t know if he’s ever been in love before. He says he is looking for someone to share his life with.

🚩His last relationship was a disaster and ended very badly they do not get along

🚩he says he’s very fussy about who he dates

🚩He says he’s been in therapy about his last relationship

🚩He’s had a pretty promiscuous past

🚩He says he wants to have sex but he’s overthinking it and is experiencing ED. He’s very physically fit

🚩He is solvent and financially stable and seems lonely but I do think he might drink a little too much too often but that’s not clear yet - he does seem to go to the pub a lot. So I don’t know if that’s a red flag

🚩He really is going very fast with his feelings (faster than me) he keeps mentioning how it’s taken him by surprise and there has genuinely been an occasion where I felt like he was going to say he thinks he’s falling in love with me.

🚩He talks about the future a lot and things we could do together

🚩He showed me his house (which was really nice) and told me all his finances and it felt like he wanted to impress me

🚩He says he wants to impress me a lot

🚩The compliments I get are pretty big and grand, but not too often to make me feel uncomfortable

Only time will tell but is this a sea of 🚩? Or am I just cynical and been on MN too long?

what should I look out for as right now I am thinking is this too good to be true?

There are some red flags. Over sharing but you did too. Telling you about his finances is a big turnoff for me. How often does he see his kids? Slagging off your exes isn’t great either. Not getting good vibes tbh.

At his age might be worth him having his cholesterol checked if he has some ED

Sometimes though people really have had terrible exes! Mine was a controlling narcissist who ultimately became abusive in a number of ways, does that make me a red flag? I don't go on about it, but I have somewhat alluded to it with the guy I'm currently dating as it's pretty relevant to where I am coming from today.

I also don't think sharing your feelings/thoughts is a big issue, I think it's quite normal to do when you are getting to know someone you really like.

None of this screams love bombing really to me, and I have had it a few times. Although what are the big grand compliments, and what is he saying about the future? Is he telling you he thinks you are the one/never felt like this before etc? That would be love bombing.

If I was going to be picky, the lack of a serious relationship or marriage would worry me at his age as would the ED. If he can’t get it up in the heady early days, it doesn’t bode well.

You should go with your gut.

Stop sharing secrets. If it all goes south he may use that information against you. Please be careful.

I think as long as you have your home he has his you can just take things at a slow pace don't change to his pace.
Just enjoy the company and the attention we're all scared of getting burnt but you never know this could be a really nice relationship in the future x

There are a few things here that give me a bit of a raised eye brow - the narc comment re. his ex, the comment about being very fussy about who he dates and also the thing about not being sure if he's been in love before which seems odd for someone in their 50s who has had some relationships including one that produced children. It makes me wonder what his expectations are around falling in love. Also the fact that his ex hurt his feelings doesn't necessarily mean she did anything wrong. But nobody is perfect and nobody gets everything right. It sounds like overall he is ticking a lot of boxes so I would suggest just keeping your eyes open and slowing things down a bit.

OP - a lot of your points sound very much like my exbf. It was just like this, I was like you. He’s AuDHD which explained a lot of it. He’s one of the most interesting people I know and a really good friend now. I’m late 30’s, he’s early 40’s. He’s divorced but they didn’t want kids.

The story is similar to yours, except we were long distance. We met on holiday, had a few four hour phone calls when I got back, and a month later he drove 200 miles to me for our first official date! It didn’t work out romantic-wise due to the distance but we just clicked. We were determined to remain friends, and we are to this day.

I guess what I’m saying is: slow it down, enjoy eachothers company and be happy you’ve found someone that makes you happy!

Yeah this mans not for you. Throw him back let him find someone who doesn’t see his ED as a red flag

maybe I haven’t been on mumsnet long enough or you have been here too long but I think that you are seeing things that aren’t there. Unless you have reason to believe he isn’t being honest?

But sometimes the ex actually is crazy! Us women aren't always perfect!

Of course, but badmouthing your ex in my opinion is bad manners. Talking about it, especially in the beginning of your relationship, is not a good sign. But like I said, I may be wrong.

I suspect the ED is more of a problem than he is letting on. So bear that in mind. But as another pp said, as long as you keep your wits about you and don't fall hook line and sinker for every word he says - why not enjoy yourself for a while? If it all goes south, at least you've had a good time for a while. Just take everything he says with a pinch of salt!

None of those stick out to me as obvious red flags. Just sounds like hes smitten! Also at his age he will know what he wants a lot more potentially.

Caveating that you know him best and maybe you need to go with your gut.

So have you met each other’s friends? Do you have interests in common? Does he talk about his kids? All sounds a bit intense for me.

No you are right. No-one should be badmouthing anyone...even if we think it!

didn’t always treat her nicely

Take what he tells you about this and at least double it, because it will be minimised.

But anyway, you have enough doubts about him to have listed in detail what may be red flags for you. That is the biggest flag of the lot. It doesn't matter whether other people would be worried about them; they are setting off caution alarms for you. And you barely know him. What you see now is the very best side of him, and if things are bothering you now, you should at least be cautious, take things slowly and keep your eyes open.

You wouldn't be on hete if you weren't seriously worried IP. There is obviously a strong connection of some kind but he seems to have a poor relationship history and sexual difficulties and the connection isn't enough to make you happy about being with him.

I'd slow things down, as everything seems to be going at break neck speed! In my humble opinion, it's never good to open up too much at the beginning of a relationship. Definitely not until you're sure of the relationship, which you're clearly not. Stop giving this man so much information, because if he does turn out to be a walking red flag, that information will be used against you.

Just be aware and keep your wits about you.

Everyone else at fault never him.

Feels red flag like to me.

Am I right that he’s 20 years older than you? If so he probably does really feel that lucky.

I had a partner with ED and, though it disappeared when we got comfortable, it meant all sex had to kind of be on his terms. Also I think it can point to quite ego based self obsession in men sometimes and he does sound like he has a touch of the mememe. Narcissists often do a reverse and there’s a chance it was him.

Did you really pick him or did he choose to start this on the job as is his MO?

If none of that is true then maybe he is a nice one. I’ve been around the block a few times and am cynical.

The red flag here is not necessarily any of the things you've listed but the fact that you have a gut feeling something isn't right.

I would listen to that and I would either end things or really slow down. Stop telling him so much stuff. And watch out for any moment of devaluation, cruelty, or boundary violation. That's a mask slip. If you want to test him a bit, start saying no to some things and take the lead on others and see how he responds.

Good point regarding listening to your gut.

Also, good second point. Take control of the narrative and see how he responds. Don’t always agree with him or be available. See how he responds, whether he has a hissy fit or not.

All this. But also remember your gut can sometimes play tricks on you. Especially if you’re wary from previous relationships. Enjoy his company for now. Do fun things. Go out and find out what interests the other person. Not so much over sharing and talking for hours.

Have you been to his house ? Do you know he lives alone ? Tbh I'm usually game for giving people a chance but I'm seeing red flags here. I've known someone like this with the insinuation into your life with all the questions. Yes it's good to be interested but sometimes men like this can use it to get into your head and to build a very strong bond to them for the wrong reasons. Take it easy.

Some women are crazy though… It’s more how he conveys it when you discuss it. If a man says his ex was crazy, don’t take what he says at face value, but don’t dismiss it out of hand.