Feels very intense, am I being love bombed?

[decennium]

I met a guy a few months ago who came to do some building work next door. We hit it off when we met and would find ourselves chatting a lot. it was flirty but it didn’t cross any boundaries and he was never inappropriate, as he was at work.

I found him very attractive but wasn’t clear on what signals I was getting so I didn’t pursue anything or put myself out there. when the job came to an end, we had a very awkward goodbye. He found a reason to return to remedy tiny little bits of work and pop by, and at that point, I felt more confident he might be interested so I put myself out there and said I was going to miss his company.

From there we nervously got chatting by text and he confessed after a few days of nice brief chats he thought I was beautiful, and lovely to be around, and he liked me.

We decided to meet up again on neutral ground, I was so nervous, and turns out so was he. The nervous chemistry between us was intense. We had a very awkward first kiss because he is so tall, all the proportions were off and I was on tip toes but we both laughed about it and it did break the ice.

Since then we met more and each time we have spent hours, and I mean hours and hours, just opening up to each other about our most deep secrets, mistakes, parts of our pasts, hopes, dreams, desires, flaws etc while hugging and kissing affectionately, laughing and enjoying each others company.

I have told this man things I’ve never told my close friends! He asks me things about myself, remembers what I like or what I say, seems interested in getting to know me and is kind to me so far. He doesn’t over text though

We got carried away kissing last time and this led to the bedroom and it was very passionate. However he said he was so nervous and it had been quite a while since he last had sex after his last relationship that he had some performance issues so we ended up just lying together laughing and talking.

Red flags

🚩the over sharing

🚩He is 50 and said he doesn’t know if he’s ever been in love before. He says he is looking for someone to share his life with.

🚩His last relationship was a disaster and ended very badly they do not get along

🚩he says he’s very fussy about who he dates

🚩He says he’s been in therapy about his last relationship

🚩He’s had a pretty promiscuous past

🚩He says he wants to have sex but he’s overthinking it and is experiencing ED. He’s very physically fit

🚩He is solvent and financially stable and seems lonely but I do think he might drink a little too much too often but that’s not clear yet - he does seem to go to the pub a lot. So I don’t know if that’s a red flag

🚩He really is going very fast with his feelings (faster than me) he keeps mentioning how it’s taken him by surprise and there has genuinely been an occasion where I felt like he was going to say he thinks he’s falling in love with me.

🚩He talks about the future a lot and things we could do together

🚩He showed me his house (which was really nice) and told me all his finances and it felt like he wanted to impress me

🚩He says he wants to impress me a lot

🚩The compliments I get are pretty big and grand, but not too often to make me feel uncomfortable

Only time will tell but is this a sea of 🚩? Or am I just cynical and been on MN too long?

what should I look out for as right now I am thinking is this too good to be true?

you could ask the police for a disclosure under Claire’s Law. It may come back with nothing , or it might not. I think I would if I had any niggling doubts. Seems too good to be true? Probably is, sadly.

I mean potentially yes but the ED would worry me more. Sometimes they love bomb you to get you to overlook erectile dysfunction.

If it’s not working now it won’t work later, so, be aware.

Why not ask for a Clare's Law check?
He has two exes, and is love bombing you.
https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/
You don't need to tell him. Either it's nothing and you've been sensible, or it's something and you can decide accordingly.

Ah, so you have a case of limerance, @decennium . This feeling in your nether regions is a prime example!

Fortunately, you're already taking a step back and your brain is in gear over your hormones

Just take it very slowly for the next 9 months to a year and see what transpires. There's no rush surely?

How old are you, OP? Is there an age gap?

I am 7 years younger

I don’t think it’s limerance but it’s certainly sexual attraction. I’m not eat sleep breathing this man or having anxiety about him if he doesn’t send me a text

We had sex and no ED issues this time, I think it was initial nerves. It was pretty good

I will think about the Claire’s Law though

Eugh... A solipsistic man who wants you to lay about and be an unpaid therapist for hours and hours, yet can't get a hard on for you? Pass..

EDIT saw your update, really shouldn't post before reading everything 🤷 Good luck op, don't arm him with more info about your private life than is necessary. It can become a tool of destruction in the hands of the wrong man.. nothing wrong with enjoying a brick shit house though 😉

My gut says financial fraudster.

I do. He is fifty and never been in love? Bullshit. That's a line to manipulate OP into feeling like she might at last be the One, if she tries hard enough. Or, if it is true then he is a commitment phobe or emotionally complex in some way.

Oversharing is a bit creepy. It means he has gathered data on you which manipulative men will then throw back in your face. DH and i have been together over 30 years. He still has no idea how many boyfriends I had before him. None of his business.

His last relationship ended badly? That would be a serious relationship with someone he never fell in love with would it?

OP, the most important thing is, that you get a feeling it is all a bit intense, which means that it is all a bit too intense. For you. And your feelings matter. Cool off. Step back a bit. he might chase like mad. But allow yourself to set a pace that works for you and boundaries that feel appropriate.

He may be absolutely lovely and having that 'never been in love' mid-life crisis some men get. You may be happy together for a long time, But right now, you are not. You are uneasy and you must respect your own concerns (as should he) and cool it a bit.

Never been in love? But has more than one child with his ex?

That, to me, is perfect proof he's a timewasting tosser.

Thought of ending his life? Manipulative shit.

I hate him for you, OP.

He is certainly on his best behaviour trying to convince you to be in a relationship with him. Somehow it doesn't sound sustainable, I would worry that you are not seeing the real him yet.

Also, I would question whether he truly cared about the women in his past relationships as he has said he has never been in love. Sounds very cold and detached.

Never being in love but has children? That sounded contradictory to me as well. I’m sure he would have declared his love to her.

So many negative comments! OP, I might be naive but I don’t see any glaring red flags. Isn’t this how love begins?! Love IS intense. You want the person 24/7. And you want to impress the other person! So all the financial disclosure might just be one way of painting himself in a good light for you.

Also, lots of us have have had rubbish relationships in the past. Lots of people have never, in hindsight, been truly in lo love - or it might feel that way when you’re just falling for someone new and nothing else compares.

He might be genuine, or he might not, but why jump at the conclusion he’s definitely not?

There’s so much bitterness in this thread, it’s sad. Love is gloriously intense and in your face, and all the better for it.

Of course, it doesn’t mean this will necessarily last because feelings can change for all of us once you get to know the person well. But equally, these feelings can be long-lasting and this is how good relationships start.

OP, enjoy. Life is blooming short.

Time is your friend here.

Also testing the waters by saying "no" or pushing back on things to see how he reacts.

Get as much information about how he treats the other women in his life and how he speaks about women generally.

Is his mother still alive - how does he speak about her and treat her?

What is the story with his children? What does he see of them and how often? What support does he provide for them.

He sees his kids, lives close by.

First relationship was very long but on/off from a young age, and more staying together for the kids sake, but he talks about her nicely and affectionately. He’s never said anything bad about her.

He lives right close to his mum, sees her frequently, no issues that I can see. She texts him when I am with him sometimes.

I did ask how he was getting on with the other ex and he showed me their texts (I didn’t ask to see them), nothing to report just functional kids stuff. He does mention her a lot though so 🚩

We went for lunch today, was just fun and relaxed.

I can’t work out in my own head whether this is an emotional feeling or a physical feeling confusing the two together. I feel really drawn to him. I like being around his physical energy. He’s exactly the right level of tactile I like. He will hold my hand, put his hand on my back. He wants to lie cuddling, he always kisses me hello and goodbye. I am so chemically drawn to him, his smell, the touch of his skin. He often finds ways to touch my leg, or my arm, to keep contact with me. Even him standing next to me I feel magnetically drawn to him. I am so excited to see him.

Our texts are great, nothing too much, nothing too little. He shares back my energy, tells me he’s looking forward to seeing me and spending time with me

The sex is just right even though we are still a bit nervous, there is a lot of laughter and it’s not awkward

it all feels too good to be true

So he has children with both exes? The first one he was shit to and the second one who was shit to him and the relationship was toxic?

So he has children from two collapsed families - due to his behaviour? And the ED has since resolved? How old are these children and how many are there? Sounds messy?

@decennium you might be in the dick sand !

Yeah I need a rope help pull me out 🫣 send reinforcements

I don't know. I am incredibly fussy about who I date too, and am otherwise fairly normal (emphasis on the 'fairly'!). I just couldn't be bothered unless I feel that 'click' and I almost never do. I don't think that's red flaggable tbh.

FWIW, I LOVE that feeling of being physically magnetically drawn to someone and I hope I feel it again. Enjoy!

When something is too good to be true, that's usually because it's not true. When a relationship is genuinely good and right, the anxiety should be less intense, not more! So my questions would be - are you usually anxious, do you usually find your instincts about people are wrong, is there anything that's given you pause that you're not admitting to yourself?

I know when I've been in situations where I've kind of forced myself to trust the other person even though I don't feel right, I've always ended up wishing I'd listened to my intuition.

😂😂😂

I know when I've been in situations where I've kind of forced myself to trust the other person

This is a really good point. The physical attraction and the magnetism are great, and you should enjoy it. You've said you've opened up with each other, but do you trust him on an instinctual, level that makes you feel really safe, or do you question that.

I do assume this is exactly what it is. I haven’t been able to orgasm myself yet, he’s put in loads of effort and no pressure, but for me I think it’s a relax/trust issue mentally

He hasn’t asked me to trust him or has any expectations I should, in fact he’s been open about how it takes time to build that from both sides, so he is in the same position from the sounds of things, the desire to trust, but knowing it’s not quite there yet, so you are in a no man’s land for a while just hoping it develops

I decided to just joke about his red flag energy (+bde😂) and he took it in very good humour

I am wary of BDE types and I think he could be one, I’ve stayed away from alpha male types of guys as they usually misogynistic as fuck, however I am obviously sexually attracted to them 🫠 so this is probably my headspace it’s like a liberal leftie shagging a hot Reform voter (need to def establish he didn’t vote reform)

I have no anxiety. He never makes me feel anxious. I am usually anxious Andrea I tell you. I just feel nervous around him because of this chemistry

The biggest red flag is that this all feels too good to be true. You are old enough and experienced enough to know this is not how it works. This sounds like mirroring - everything is exactly right - he shares back your energy. He gets you to overshare (your faults?) whilst claiming to be the victim of youth or a narc ex.

Don’t stay for the high. You will blame yourself for not listening to your gut if and when it all goes wrong.