I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

I hear you. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person. In all honesty if someone you loved and wanted to be with said they wanted out as they were so unhappy I bet you would be sad but would wish them well and accept it. I can't think of anything worse than trying to make someone stay with me that clearly didn't want to. It'd be a massive ick that they didn't want me.

What more discussion is to be had?

”What part of NO don’t you understand? And btw that’s a rhetorical question. I don’t actually care. No, no, no, no no. Right. What’s the plan for the house?”.

@JJkate I agree.

When DH and I broke up the last time it was me who tried to put us back together, but this was a soft, reassuring way.

It was out of the blue I had no clue it was coming.

So asked if this was a final decision and said if it was, then I would accept it and walk away.

He said something along the lines of he ‘didn’t want to walk away but felt he had no other choice because he was so unhappy’ so at this point I said well would there be anything I could do? And he had a list…. So I set about working on his list and he took me back.

I feel so depressed reading that back now 😭

You know, you don't have to have a discussion with him. Why does he get to call all the shots? You are allowed to say "no thank you, I'm not interested in having any discussions with you." Or just "no - that doesn't work for me." On repeat.

You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to.

See, that's the difference between respecting someone and not respecting them or their feelings.

Good luck with the conversation. Hearing him out doesn't mean you'll change your mind

I'm sorry ♥️ Keep your chin up and keep moving forward. There are brighter days ahead.

I feel compelled to say you don't owe him a f2f discussion, but I fear you'll grant him another opportunity to drive you demented out of misplaced guilt.

Go through solicitors. You're done, only the house to sort. He's no longer in charge unless you let him have his 15- minute pity party. I promise you will end up feeling worse if you attend, plus you'll give him the idea there is a chance to rekindle this sham of a marriage. A sham for you, that is! Don't give him yet another opportunity to make you feel less than you are. You deserve better.

I am team leave him for the other guy.
your DH would do it in a heartbeat if he thought he’d be happier elsewhere.

you can’t martyr yourself and stay in an unhappy marriage where you are not allowed to express feelings at all just to ‘not upset your DH’ . Yes he will be heartbroken but he’ll find someone else quickly enough, men who offer commitment and relationships do. Especially if you gift him the ‘she was a cheater and broke my heart’ narrative, the next girlfriend who is a people pleaser too (they have a good way of finding women like us!) will lap it up and lick his wounds, he’ll be more than fine.

you go girl.

I am saying this as the person who has been left for another woman and had my heartbroken too, so i have skin in the other side of the coin too.

you don’t mention children??

I have read all your thread today and it really reminds me of an ex-DP of mine. He also could not be critizised and his way to prop up his self-esteemed was to ground me down, even though I was his “most prized possesion” as well.

After my mind was made up and we had that first conversation to end it, we spent so long where we had so many conversations about not breaking up. It was impossible to get rid of him. Many of those conversations were even about changing me, because of how unadequate I was, if you can believe it! If I was so inadequate he should have let me go instead of coming back every day more than once to discuss how to change me.

I will tell you what I did to get it done, even though it is not a recommendation. I had to hurt him a bit, but I didn’t see any other way to be finally done. I told him that I was already dating someone else (even though the breakup was fairly recent). I also considered telling him I did not feel sexually attracted to him anymore.

Any of those two things by themselves would have worked because he would not stoop so low as to be with someone that said that to him/done that to him. He would not touch me with a 10-foot pole once he thought I was “dirtied” by being with somebody else or would not accept me having the ick on him (sexually, as he would think not feeling aroused by him is mocking his appearance).

In any case, now that some other people know, if he gets wind of you seeing someone else he will feel like the real reason is out and he will feel much better. You won’t want him to find out, but if he does try to take comfort that this might be exactly what he needs to leave you alone. He didn’t really listen to your reasoning about what was wrong with him and in the relationship, but he’ll latch up to the having your head turned angle and he will love that that’s the “real explanation”. This way there’s nothing wrong with him, and he probably won’t want you back either (finally!).

I’m sorry if I’m rambling a bit, but my ex-DP was so eerily similar to yours that I just had to write this. Good luck 💐

edit (typo)

You are doing very well in a tough situation OP! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you head for the exit.

I would suggest you have a plan to minimize the f2f meeting with respect to time and the amount of abuse and manipulation you are willing to endure.

1A) this remains a very dangerous time in the leaving of a man. Submitting to the tyranny of his complaints and assurances is one perfectly reasonable way of trying to skate away but even if you feel like this is the best way remember that this is a weaning/disappointing process on your part. Even if you have to let him have his say your goal is that he should feel exhausted and disgusted with the whole process so that he withdraws to lick his wounds.

1. You can bring a ten page bolded, bullet point list of all the things he has ever done wrong and tell him that after he has explained how he will apologize and repair each one of them you will listen to his concerns.

2. You can bring a chess timer and tell him that you have been advised that its helpful for turn taking and give him five minutes and then you will take five minutes until the hour has passed.

3. You can bring a single point list that just says “I am done. Its over.” And give it to him at the end. (Don’t really do this)

4. You can (and should) bring a friend to sit behind you during the interaction to maintain safety.

5. If you are determined to give him an hour (which is really long) then have someone call you and pull you out if the meeting exactly at the hour and tell him you are going to meet with specific friends, don’t let him follow or rag along, and get out of there.

6. Discreetly emphasize that you have told everyone you are breaking up but you have just said vaguely “irreconcilable differences “ so that he knows the cat is out of the bag snd that he can best save face by deciding he jumped out rather than was pushed out.

7. Plan how you will end the interaction. Nice smile, get up briskly, and leave him with house sale info? Your choice.

Be careful!

@Alycie thank you for sharing with me, does sound like they are very similar, I agree this would be the fastest way to get rid of him but I haven’t got the balls to do this I don’t think!

I was looking at photos of us the other day that are all over our house, and I genuinely don’t want to hurt him, I still even have a degree of affection for him at this point. We have some great memories and have had some great experiences and there is not a lot I regret, it wasn’t all bad. We had a lot of adventures together.

I tried on my engagement ring this morning for the first time in ages, and sat looking at it, it’s so pretty and I loved that he chose it for me because I know he put a lot of time and effort into it. He also made me another piece of jewellery once even though it was cheap and it broke, it was so touching. Our house is lovely and has so many things he’s when he’s being his lovely self and being thoughtful he has so many good qualities to give to someone. I wish I didn’t feel this way and I wish I hadn’t had any of these experiences, but I did. I empathise as to why he is hanging on so tight

@pikkumyy77 thanks! We did try the bullet point list before - disaster!

I think I was hoping he would burn himself out yes. An hour is a long time to listen to him ranting at me 😭

For someone so insecure he does come across very arrogant and thinks he's better than you by the way he declares he's finished with bettering himself. This must be so stressful for you.

Yes let him ramble on for a while without responding then just say the relationship is ended etc etc in a few words ...less is more. Don't over explain anything. Also he can't have done any work on himself in just a couple of weeks. He has mare that up. Good luck

No relationship is without happy memories, OP.

Treasure them! but don't let them distract you from the fundamental problems.

Imagine how annoying it would be if there wasn't a single nice thing you could say about him. You'd really be kicking yourself for wasting years of your life. Instead of which, you can close the door gently on this chapter, knowing you both did your best but sometimes that's not enough to make up for the incompatibilities and frustrations.

I’m struggling to get through today at work for anxiety.

I’m convinced he thinks this is a reconciliation discussion and he will try to lead it and dominate me and every part of me just hates having to be the one to ‘kick the puppy’ against his resistance. I know that conflict is part of life but when people are stubborn and one track minded it’s so hard to navigate

you say ' it’s not working for me and we need to separate properly and get the house sold.
on repeat

then get up and leave

How many months is it until you can file for the divorce ?

In the meantime, the house gets 3 valuations from estate agents and goes on the market, if it sells before the divorce then marvellous that's the main thing dealt with.

Do you even need to meet up for another conversation? There really is nothing left to be said if you know you want to separate

Can you not just send him divorce papers and talk through lawyers? Any in person conversations only benefit him as he will scare and manipulate you so you can't be honest with him

I can’t divorce him for months and I have to continue to live with him during this time as I have nowhere to go until we sell our house.

My DC still live at home so I have to try to be amicable for their sake

He does have options, but it’s 50% his house so I am meeting him because we have practical matters to discuss. Him moving out and going on holiday was temporary whilst things were very difficult and wasn’t long term.

I can’t put the house on the market without his agreement and we would need to discuss finances in the interim to pay the bills as usually we put extra in for shared food and meals out but I need to reduce it to my half of bills only to save the rest each month

I can go through a solicitor if I really need to but this is ridiculous expensive if I can try to talk to him like an adult about the practical side I just think he sees this as a chance to win me back and I even suspect he will have bought me something expensive on holiday which I will feel so awkward about

I will be sharing a room with my DD

It sounds like you think or feel like you are responsible for him and his feelings. You're not. The choice is either do what he wants and stay and you feel shit or leave and he feels shit for a bit and then gets on with his life. You can't control how he reacts or feels all you can do is manage your own emotions and behaviour and try to mitigate things escalating if you can, eg keep things short and to the point, limit time with him, have someone with you if you don't feel safe, make plans to be out etc and as others have said at some point you don't need to keep going over things as there's nothing else to be said apart from being his emotional support dog whilst he falls apart.

There is a much used phrase on Mumsnet..."put your big girl pants on" hard as it is you need to do this and keep your responses short as recommended in previous posts. Otherwise he will notice and pick up your fear which will give him the upper hand. Good luck

How long have you actually been married ?

as you said it was less than a year, now it's ' months' before you can divorce, even tho you've been together these past few years.

I think you really will have to move out with your young adult children and rent somewhere, they will have to pay towards the rent until you are divorced / the house is sold and you can move on with your life / finances.

We got married less than a year ago. I don’t want to be too outing, it’s less than a year and we have some months left of the 12 months until we could divorce.

We discussed it fairly calmly and he didn’t shout or fight me on it, he agreed we would proceed with separating. He wasn’t happy about it obviously and was upset. I didn’t keep going back down the same path of raking over old ground though he kept trying to do that I held firm.

We loosely agreed on some interim living arrangements and I gave him some space as he wanted to go home for the night.

I went home later and my DD was there, so I was spending time with her and then I went out with my DD and her boyfriend for a couple of hours.

ExDH kept coming and going, driving off, he was out when I went out but home when I got back. He then kicked off in front of DD about the whole thing and got me in the kitchen for an hour trying to go over it all again and kept saying ‘I can’t do this’ (living in same house).

He keeps asking if there is any hope of reconciliation and I am trying hard not to aggravate him but I am being kindly firm.

I left the room and went to bed in my other DD’s room, he then asked to talk to me again this morning and said could we go to couples therapy as he thinks there is still hope for us. I said I did not share the same view.

I have found somewhere to stay this weekend and I am hoping he will come to terms with this eventually?