Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Can relate. I have many aunts and uncles. They sound nicer than your lot but to be blunt, I am genuinely surprised how much more peaceful my life and mental state is as they die off. Now that I write this, I realise it may be a contributory reason to me having an only child. Hardly any left now.

Good to write it. Don’t send it.

@Newgirls near the start had a good response.

Yes, the comment:

"DF specifically asked not to hold a wake. We are planning a celebration for next year. As an aside there are no funds in the will. If you wish to hold your own wake please go ahead with our best wishes" is good.

But then again, if you want shot of them all forever and feel she deserves the serve, go for it.

Sometimes people dserve a serve and sometimes that is very freeing.

So long as you don't mind at all being free of anyone who tries to create drama after you send it and are prepared to simply block and walk away.

Oh GOD I should know better at my age to comment without reading all 21 pages. Apologies. And 💐

And then walk away all huffy and offended when people let them know their "pearls of wisdom" aren't of any use

Wow. I can’t quite believe what I’ve just read.

I am so sorry for your loss OP and that you have had to deal with this on top of it. I hope you can have your quiet event next year and say goodbye to him in the way that you need to.

Well done on holding it together through all of that. It’s amazing how her last email paints her as a victim of her own kindness. Astounding self deception. Really quite scary how divorced from reality she is.

A healthy person would have been in touch to let you know that they would like to do this, ask you and your siblings how you’d feel about it, whether you’d want to be part of planning it, attending it etc and there would then be an acceptance of and respect for your wishes. It would still be really cheeky, but asking if there is money in the estate to pay towards it, could be tolerable if the response ‘there isn’t any money’ or ‘no’ was accepted. But the group hysteria and harassment that followed was utterly insane. Like a group psychosis. And to suggest you use your own personal money is such a massive sense of entitlement, it’s astounding.

Anyway, well done to you and your siblings for keeping your heads while those around were losing theirs and I hope you can all grieve in whatever way feels right for you now.

the answer to that is 'we will be covering it ourselves. Privately, in our own way and our own time. What you choose to do in the meantime is entirely up to you, but there is no money in the estate to pay for whatever you arrange and even if there were, you would not have our permission to access it. Please back off and respect our wishes and our father's wishes. We are not stopping you having whatever celebration of his life you wish to have. We just feel no obligation to be present at that, nor to contribute financially to it.'

I read your original posts but didn't expect an update but what an update it is Op. Your DFs family are shameless, they'd willingly put all that cost on his widow and children when you're grieving. If there was a surprise we really, really need to hear about it please

Is there a word for this? Threadsplaining? Chequesplaining? 🤔

What a drama! It just sounds to me that this actually has little to do with your DF and they just wanted your late dad (and then you) to fund a big old family party. Your aunt is a CF.

You have no reason to maintain ties with them now. I would have no further contact with them.

Also, there's no point writing a lengthy screed about 'what you should send' or 'what you should say to them' - the perpetrators of this shizzle are invariably single-minded nut jobs who will trample over your reasonable explanations, or turn it into DARVO (we've seen it here - 'I'm so upset at you saying No to me' - and send Flying Monkeys - 'your aunt is so upset etc' - cousins knocking at the door like bailiffs)...

The only answer is to get out of the whole argument as fast as possible, having established your boundaries through decisive action, and refusing to get drawn back in.

I Iove that this backfired on the interfering aunt 😀Thank you for the update xx

This is one of the craziest things I've read on here. Well done for staying strong. I really want to know the breath taking surprise.

At least a few people catch up and then realise!

Auntie and Uncle doing the flying lift from Dirty Dancing... 🙂

Tell the executor not to pay any of it because your father did not want a wake and neither did anyone other than the person who organised it, who is not a decision maker- also how do you know this event even happened and/or was a wake for your Dad? It could just be an attempt, by your aunt to make some money.

Have you bothered to read anything other than the original post? It's quite easy to just highlight and read the OP's posts and updates on a long thread you know.......

My cousin was by last night, and I asked if a surprise had been mentioned at all - but nothing had been said on the day about a surprise, so we will never know as I will not be asking them directly.

I know a lot of people have focused on the Aunt in this situation, but trust me, they are all as bad as each other.

Someone asked if my Dad would have guessed it would turn out like this. Oh yes, yes, he would. Every time the family is together, there is drama, be it a birthday, wedding, christening, or funeral - he wouldn't have guessed it would be this particular scenario, maybe, but if you get more than two of the families together, it is statistically certain that something is going to be on fire, a physical fight or a massive screaming match.

Or a not very well painted extra large portrait of OP's DF that the Aunt has been going to special portrait classes for and was going to insist that OP hung it over the fire place. ( or on the wall behind the TV)

Cripes, it sounds like my family, and there were only 4 of us plus partners (rotating partners in the case of my father and sister). I can't remember a single get-together where it didn't end up with two or more people arguing vociferously, jabbing at each other with angry pointed fingers. The one where my dad's gf smashed his guitar over his head and then ran drunkenly down the street crying, and came back with cops, was particularly memorable. Total circus.

I took a massive step back when I got my kids but would hear all the antics from others. Don't miss it at all.

For folks who suffer through drama at every family occasion, you might enjoy watching 'A Bit of a Do' if it's still accessible anywhere. Then again, it may not have aged well, but the premise was the same - the same group of people repeatedly meeting at weddings, funerals, christenings etc, and chaos ensuing.

Like a PP I have an extended family that has similar dynamics. It's exhausting, and also as the main drama culprits die off things become progressively easier!

I am old enough to remember A Bit of a Do, and also have the dramatic family dynamic in one branch of my family......frankly I think a Bit of a Do was tame compared to real life, even with the affair!

I'm familiar with that dynamic where nobody can be in a room for five minutes together without a huge dramatic fight you always have to check who's fallen out with whom, all drama and performative shit and toxicity, and yet for some reason they really do think they have this amazing "ride or die" attitude and are so fucking self righteous.

Some people, some families, mistake high drama for actual love, cohesion and general goodness. We only treat each other like shit because we care, we are just so passionate. I can't stand it. Twats.

Are you one of my siblings? Haha

Because this is Dad's side of the family down to a T - they will harp on about blood being thicker and how they would do anything for each other. All BS, the payoff of having to be neck-deep in the drama is never worth it. ever.

But we need to know what the surprise was!