Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Send the blistering email. Cheeky fuckery. Doesn't matter about blood or not. Shut it down and stand by it.
Sorry you are dealing with this shit.

I'd go with the very brief response suggested above, simply saying that there is no money in the estate to pay for anything.

Just send a short reply as per posts here. I'd just state there is no funds in the estate so if she wants to organise a wake it will be at her own expense.

If you have details of the venue and catering quotes you can cc them.

Gosh Op, what an overbearing creature she is.

I agree with many of the suggestions - tell her there is no money and the executors did not authorise the expenditure, so if she chooses to go ahead, it will be at her own expense.

Perfect time to break contact by the sound of it.

My dad has a phrase that might be appropriate here.... 'Tell 'em..... fuck 'em'.

Who is the executor? This is their job. I’d keep it factual and very, very simple.

So your dad died several
months ago and she is now arranging a wake?
It’s meant to be either before or int he day of a funeral not months later. Send the email, if she wants this she pays, be very clear you will not be paying as there’s no money to pay.

I agree with the posters who say just keep your email very short and tell her that there are no funds available from the estate so she will need to pay for it herself.

OP and 1 other.

send it.

Send it.

I think it's really important to say something in case anything legal happens in the future.

'Dear aunt, there is no money in the estate to pay for a wake. Of course you are very welcome to hold your own event. As Dad did not want an event we won't/can't attend.

Love and kisses etc.'

^

This. Don’t add to the drama. You get lots of irresponsible and goady posters on MN unfortunately egging you on.

Just let them/make them pay.

It’s like when a Conservative government, I forget which one, arrived at the Exchequer at no. 11 after a spendthrift Labour term, to see a note saying “there’s no money
left”.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Tone the email down to a simple “No costs for a wake will be met by my father’s estate, nor will his immediate family be attending one.”

Send the explosive one later, if she kicks off or refuses to listen.

Money grabbing

Yes this. Executors are in agreement on this matter.

Did your father really die at the beginning of the year or do you mean beginning of the month? If the beginning of the year, surely the funeral has already taken place so why a wake now?

@oliviaAustin ’s message is even better!

Yes. Take the "blistering" adjectives out of your letter and write it in the way you explained here. Her behaviour sounds exasperating but there's no need to be unkind about it. Just factual.

Although I think the ship may have sailed as you say she sent "invoices" indicating that she has already paid for it?

But without consulting you.

You are allowed to say no. She cannot dictate how you spend your money. She can organise her own event if necessary.

Just say sorry but if they want to do this then whoever arranges it must meet the costs themselves. The estate will not be responsible for these expenses.

Oh, send it. Send it now.

It reads clear to me that no funeral was, or will be held, any time.

Send the 'no wish for a wake / no money' email. You might really really want to send your blistering email now, and it might make you feel good for a bit. You may one day regret it, and there will be no taking it back.

Grief makes people do really weird things. A bit of kindness and benefit of the doubt will go a long way.

Not saying they're not batshit drama llamas mind... Just smile and wave and crack on as you are

If you send the blistering email they will not hear the actual message - they'll be too busy feeling aggrieved about your response.

@Prombles has it - with just one simple line.

"Aunt. To be clear - this wake will be at your own expense. It will not be funded from [dad's] estate. Regards, achromaticdudgeon."

Don't enage with any response apart from repeating the same line. We can all bet on how many times you need to send it.

Send the email but remove anything that could be seen as ‘blistering’. Stick calmly and politely to the facts.