Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

It's her aunt, thankfully.

I looked the pp's suggestion along there lines of "our values involve respecting our fathers strongly felt wishes"

And if keep any response as brief as that.

Yeah, the previous poster said something along the lines of "imagine having her as a MiL" .... shudder

Bet she was clutching her pearls as well. Daft bat(her not you).

🤣🤣🤣

A good example of why I laugh at the idea that previous generations were raised better. This type of non-apology, refusal to take accountability and complete lack of self awareness is typical of elders (although not exclusive to them).

Keep standing your ground OP. They are relying on guilt tripping and manipulation to get their way.

It's typical of toxic families and their "communication" style, not of "elders".

A little update on this.

The event they organised was this weekend. They sent some photos, and it did look very nice. Everyone, including family who came from abroad, went out for a meal after. They, by all accounts, then had a big boozy spread that stretched for a whole afternoon.

It seems that when it was time to pay the bill, there was huge ole barny because some people (the ones drinking a lot, it appears) hadn't realised the food/drink was not paid for. It seems that there had been a miscommunication that the estate wasn't actually covering any of this, and the new situation hadn't been updated to certain members of the family.

So when this came to light, there was quite an amount of upset, which also turned into a further barny on splitting the bill, with non drinkers/ppl with children not wanting to be splitting the bill per head - and then there was an argument that the people who came at great expense should not be expected to pay.

Apparently, tempers got quite high because it was a very big bill and everyone had been drinking all afternoon.

Being that they're very argumentative as a group anyway, the last couple of days have been a flurry of drama/arguments/family infighting across social media and group chats.

@achromaticdudgeon what a bunch of freeloaders! You did well to stay out of it x

Sounds like a very lively family ;) Funny to watch from a distance...

I’d be tempted to reply “all this drama over something my dear departed Dad specifically didn’t want 🤷‍♀️”

This! Hope you're ok OP x

They also did the cringe thing that would have made me mad if I was there.

Because the bill was large and because it was a large group of people, there was an automatic surcharge. So they got into an argument with the manager about having the surcharge taken off. The manager stressed that, on booking the table, it had been advised that, because of the booking size, there was a surcharge, and it had been agreed to.

But of course, because people were splitting the bill, certain families were arguing that it hadn't specifically been agreed with them, so they were refusing to cover the surcharge, and there were yet more arguments about tipping. Some families refused to tip, which made other families feel they were subsidising the non-tippers— it was just a mess

Bet you were glad to be out of it and I bet anything your aunt wished she'd listened to you. Oh well.

Oh what an update!!!! Thank goodness you have a spy in the camp 👀😁

How was it all resolved in the end?

My god I pity the venue!! Did you have someone on the inside to spy on them all and report back?🤣

I don't have a spy. I don't need a spy, it's family drama - they like to tell everyone. Remember, they revel in this type of thing. I was contacted by several different people with all the gossip.

Definitely this!!! Thanks for the update

So, the enormous bunch of freeloaders suddenly found that they were responsible for footing the bill - after they had been eating and boozing all afternoon and it had gone through the roof. 🤣 I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall there.

Serves them all right. Well done you for following your Dad's expressed wishes.

It sounds like you missed out! Such a shame you weren't there.

I couldn't think of anything worse lol

I’d send it but tone it down.

@achromaticdudgeon had the relative mentioned unveiling a huge surprise at the event?

Ive got an email to send tomorrow dealing with a difficult issue. I ran it through an AI which reduced it to coldly formal and legalistic language and took all the emotion out of it.

If you are the executer that's what I would do. Compose a terse and professional reply, send it and then block communication.

Use expressions like:

This matter has already been decided.
iNot open for further discussion.
My decision is final.

I had totally forgotten about the surprise. No one mentioned anything, but it may have gotten lost in the noise about the bill. A cousin is coming by later. I will ask her.