Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Perfect. And Aunt hasn't got any authority to incur any costs anyway!

At least SIX people suggesting letters to send to the Aunt when the alternative wake is over and done with.

Thanks for the updates today OP,

sounds like you were very very well out of it. and I agree with pps saying the Aunts surprise would have been a toast thanking or attempting to guilt trip you into footing the bill.

Condolences for the loss of your Dear Dad. I'm glad you and your siblings were in agreement and are doing OK. I also agree that your D Dad knew what he was doing when he specified no wake. I hope now you will be able to mourn him in your own way. I'm sure he would have a giggle at all the high drama at the recent gathering. Wishing you all the best .

Op, thanks so much for the update- the situation sounds excruciating but not wholly unexpected. Please update on the huge surprise- I am all agog! Unless the huge surprise is you have to pay your own bill!

Thanks for the entertainment. Good you have a sense of humour and closeness to your siblings/ people grieving with you. Even reading it my cortisol rose as I laughed with eyebrows raised.

Family who live far from other family often want an excuse to travel (as long as it’s a nice destination) with the excuse that the born/ married/ deceased will have wanted it. Just an excuse for a holiday and a gossip a lot of the time. I have a bunch who always want an excuse to go to Cape Town or London for such events. Anyone who dies or is married somewhere less pretty etc is ignored

TBH it sounds as if you’d be well shot of them.

Thank you for the update- I have been wondering what happened. While it’s batshit, it’s also so believable- the dynamics, the drama…

She can't just demand money from the estate and unless it was specified in the will, the executors can't just pay out because someone asks. Perhaps try to word it more diplomatically but send your email and point out that he didn't want any of this. If other people want it, they will have to pay for it.

Sorry - just read your updates. I commented too early! They sound like a nightmare. I'd ignore them all!

Please read all the OP's posts

Love the updates OP - reckon the Auntie is wishing she'd listened to you from the start.

She's just wishing she legged it before the bill arrived!

I really want to know how it got settled.

Send it.

"It seems that when it was time to pay the bill, there was huge ole barny because some people (the ones drinking a lot, it appears) hadn't realised the food/drink was not paid for. It seems that there had been a miscommunication that the estate wasn't actually covering any of this, and the new situation hadn't been updated to certain members of the family."

Glorious! Oh to be a fly on that wall!

Has anyone ever had a fight at one of these events? It feels more like a wedding activity than a wake one though.

Just tell her. He explicitly stated no "wake", if you wish to go against his wishes in this respect you will need to foot the bill.

My late Mum's favourite nephew, probably aged around 42 when my Dad died, got rat arsed at Dad's wake (Irish family, heightened emotions, shall we say). Got gobby and tried to kick off and was spoken to firmly by male members of the family - he "went for a walk" and wasn't seen for the next 24 hours, my Mum in tears etc ... Same cousin, 4 years later at my Mum's wake, very annoyed (and vocal) that his stepdaughter wasn't given a rose to put on Mum's grave (8 roses specifically ordered for Mum's grandchildren); got my 15 year old son drunk (revenge move "don't tell your Mum"), invited everyone back to his after (I was done by 6pm) and I believe karaoke went on until the early hours of the next day. The arse.

Ask AI to tone it so it is not inflammatory and se d it.

In no way should you all personally find anything his next of kin do not want.

Your Aunt, Is OOO. As you say she can fund whatever tgat side of the family want.

Read all the OP's updates, PLEASE!

Worked in pubs for ever, ime it happens more at funerals. Too much alcohol, plus grief makes for a bad combination. One ended in a pitched battle in the car park of the pub I was running. Loads of arrests and I barred over 20 people that day, still my personal best!

ETA....and not a PB I am keen to beat to be honest!

I could not love this any more.

OP did.
Wake was this past weekend.
HTH. 😂

If sending it would create strife between you, your siblings and your Dad's partner then tone it way down while making it clear you're not paying for anything your Aunt has organised.

If you think you won't create too much tension with your loved ones by sending it as is .... then bash on. Your Aunt's a CF. She deserves verbal annihilation.

*edited for grammatical error

And while you are at it, cancel the cheque.......

I would send whatever I liked and then go absolutely non contact, forever, and never read or listen to another word of hers ever again.

And anybody else trying to drag me into the drama would have to be told, nope, we won't be discussing that. Then you walk away, hang up, whatever is required, until they calm down and realise you mean it.

Reading threads like this you can always tell the kind of people who IRL just barge into a group conversation and start prattling on without a second thought for who and what they interrupted.

🤣🤣 Spot on.