Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Well, who could have predicted that level of chaotic drama? EVERYONE on Mumsnet, that’s who.

The surprise was probably going to be the bill. 🤣

Wow, that was a shock for some of the guests then.

That’s a fantastic update ! It literally proves everything you said about them and why you shouldn’t have it 😂😂😂

Maybe the huge surprise was that they (the freeloaders) would be footing the bill?

I feel a bit sorry for the people who'd come from abroad, who'd assumed standard operating principles. The aunt would have known they didn't know - she's a bitch, isnt she.

Did any of the guests ask where you were? 😁(and get told the truth?)

I’m wondering what people made out of you (and siblings?) not been there..
I mean esp the one ps coming from afar and not in tge know that yiur dad did NOT want a wake, they must have wondered what’s going on

I was told our non-attendance was just glossed over and the event was framed as an event specifically for my father's siblings and their families.

After all that fuss, all people will remember is the fight over the bill!

Tremendous, and entirely on brand for them!

Oh wow! What an update! Well done for staying clear of it!

Dear Aunt

re your email.

I understand that you want to remember dad in your own way, but I do need to let you know before you commit to paying out for a celebratory wake

1 there is no money in the estate to pay for a wake or even towards it

2 dad specifically did not want a wake and stated so very clearly, so in respect of his wishes we will not be attending your event and will not be contributing towards any costs you incur.

3 we are planning a very small gathering for next year to celebrate what would have been his xx birthday, but this will be very small and low key.

You need to read the updates!

I just have!!!! That’ll teach me. Oh to have been a fly on that wall.

Never mind, I like writing emails for other people.

Wow, I bet that was a right humdinger of a barney
I bet if you had been there you would have been having ( forced) to stump up a shed load of cash just to stop the argument
thank god you refused to go

More likely they were planning to announce then and there that the OP was footing the bill, in the hopes they could shame her into paying.

Reminds me of when my best friend died a few years ago. Her son, who had left to live with his father as soon as he could and only ever contacted her at his birthday or Christmas, visited her mother and demanded that as the son she should give him the entire estate. Note this is the son who never bothered to contact her all the time she was ill with terminal cancer. Friend's mother took great pleasure in giving him a £5 note and telling him that was what my friend had left him in her will. She then said she would happily hand over the estate, assuming that would mean he would be happy to pay for the funeral from it - the funeral which had cost much more than she left (which was about £50, in cash). Then added that she thought there may be a couple of items of old clothes like socks & maybe a pair of leggings somewhere about the house if she looked. He wasn't terribly impressed, but there really wasn't anything he could do.

I would reword it but be very clear that this was against dada wishes and Yoh wool be following those wishes and will not be involved in a wake

Thanks for the update Op. I do like it when we hear the ending.

Stunningly awful behaviour really, glad you were able to stand your ground.

Just seen the updates. Sorry :). Wow. :)

Good of you to update us, OP; like others I'd have given a lot to be there

I do feel for the venue, but frankly, after their graceless behaviour before, I'd have been surprised if it turned out any other way

WOW.

Thanks for updating most people don’t !

I dont think you can just host a wake and claim it anyway. You mum will be his NoK or the eldest sibling.. so if you say no wake. No wake.

I cant throw a party and claim its a send off for Betty down the road and bill her estate, if you could do that load of people would take the mick.

And not to be horrible she doesnt even have his remains. So id write back and say per his wishes there isnt provision for a wake so the estate wont be providing one. However youre free to grieve in any way you see fit with your own funding

Dear Aunt Mabel,

As you have already been told, this goes expressly against Dad's wishes. If you want to go ahead and host a memorial of some sort for your own benefit then please go ahead, however we will not attend and it must be at your own cost. Neither me, my siblings or Dad's estate will be paying for this. That is our final word on the matter.'

Kind regards,

achromatic, also co-signed by siblings, mother and dad's partner.

I wish there was a symbol to illustrate you raising your finger in the air to chalk "one up for me"...!

Maybe the big surprise is a custom-made statue, for which they will send you the bill?
(Sorry, I hope you don’t find this in poor taste.)

The 'surprise' was definitely going to be your Aunt giving a toast 'And we'd all like to thank achromaticdudgeon and siblings for hosting this wonderful afternoon in remembrance of our dear brother'

Then any 'argument/disagreement' about who was actually paying would leave you both outnumbered and out voiced, because they'd all bang on about 'tradition', your 'obligation' and 'duty' to fund the 'remembrance' meal & booze and then they've left the venue in a storm of 'indignant outrage', leaving you and your siblings to face the venue staff...

Bullet dodged OP 😰