Aunt has planned and billed us for a wake we did not want/ask for

[achromaticdudgeon]

Background

My father's elderly brothers and sisters are hard work, and I avoid them as much as I can - there are loads of them, and they love a good moan. Everything always could have been better, done better or handled better if you had only just done as they wanted or as they said.

My Dad died at the beginning of the year in an unexpected and fraught way. While I was abroad trying to get it sorted, my siblings ended up having to run a campaign of interference because they were hounding me so much that I was not able to actually get stuff done and sort out the issues at hand. They made a horrible situation so much worse with the constant drama. (They were being regularly updated) One Aunt, to give you a flavour of the issues, kept ringing and ringing because she wanted me to take time away from sorting the cremation/repatriation, and take a two-day trip during my 'holiday' to his house in a different city to find a particular photo.

To my issue

This afternoon, I have come home to being CC'd into an email to the photo Aunt from a relative in Canada who is checking in about some aspects of catering and accommodation for the service/wake.

We have not planned a service/wake.

1. He had been very clear that he didn't want one
2. His partner doesn't want to have one
3. His wife (our mother - they remained on very good terms - but split for many years) doesn't want to have one
4. My siblings agree with his, his partner and our Mums wishes
5. Our plan was a small remembrance event next year, which would have been a significant birthday of his and more in his style/wants
6. He cost us all a fortune because of the poor choices he made at the time, so there is no money for an event right now, regardless

It appears my Aunt has taken it upon herself to plan something without asking us, which would be fine, she can plan an event for his side of the family - they can grieve in the way they choose to.....

However, she has now sent an email to the attention of the executor of the estate attaching invoices for catering/bar costs, printed sundries, flowers and venue fees for an eye-watering sum of money.

The email I wrote in reply was blistering.....in no way tactful, insensitive to the fact they are grieving too and not in the slightest bit polite, and I was banned by my siblings from sending it lest I start a whole new world war.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to just send it anyway, and be damned with them all that I need to be talked down.

Your dad knew what he was doing. He almost certainly foresaw this.

☝🏻 Like that?

I'm glad OP dodged that bullet! It sounds awful to I feel sorry for the staff who had to deal with their nonsense!

I agree there! I’m pretty sure this was the surprise. Made even worse becayse everyone thought it was a free bar etc….

That sounds .... possible... @achromaticdudgeon could it have been the case?

@Allergictoironing how heartbreaking for your friend, that her son treated her like that. Must have been a source of never ending pain.

Very likely yes, saraclara, and having been around longer he'd probably seen the expectation that "someone else would pay" before

It's hard not to smile though, at the thought of them all pitching into the "free" booze, only to find it wasn't free after all

Gosh it appears your dad was an excellent judge of character and wanted to save you, his family, from the rest of his family and their money greedy antics! You did well holding strong and not getting involved.

Do these venues generally let massive groups of people drink heavily all day without them paying for rounds as people order them?!

@achromaticdudgeon

I'm sorry but this 'event' sounds like something out of a bad sitcom. 'Bereaved' family fighting over the bills (and the leftovers most likely).

I'm glad you missed it!

Sounds like my XH's family. I know my XMil's funeral turned into a big fight.

A sitcom was in my mind too, I've been privately casting it too!

Gosh OP, you must be so relieved you didn't go! They sound intolerable.

Have just found this thread and have settled down with popcorn and beer in the hope this runs for many episodes and series to come.
The aunt…not sure I want to commend her dramatic narcissism (which makes for excellent watching), or punch her in the throat.
But am here for the duration.
…sorry for your loss though ♥️

@ThroughTheRedDoor
I totally agree
Aaaaaaah, go on, go on.......😈😈😈

Unless your aunt is an executor, it will be up to the executors to decide what if anything they wish to do with her costs. It's seems she is on a sticky wicket if she didn't secure the executor 's agreement to them in advance. the executors can't pay them automatically as it impacts their duties to the beneficiaries and other creditors if there are any. These are not your father's bills. They are hers.. If you are not an executor don't get involved. As you say, another branch of the family is free to grieve or celebrate his life as they think fit

You need to RTFT

I had similar happen to me and didn't send it. I suggest you send it because I wish so, so much that I had.

Mum died, didn't want a funeral, a wake, nothing. Just a quiet family memorial. Sibling planned everything, pushed me into doing it with them, moaned daily about how much it was stressing them out.
Once we got our inheritance (a small amount, just a four figure sum) they asked for my half as they had "so much debt" from the funeral and wake costs.

I said yes, and sent it over.

If you want to help keep the peace for your siblings' sake then tone it down a bit, be as polite as you can, but send it and don't pay them what they want.
Sorry for your loss.

Thank you for the update. Sounds like your Dad was a wise man indeed and would have known how it would go... ❤️

You must feel so relieved and vindicated, and I'm only sorry it gave you extra stress. But it's been a great example to people here who may be tempted to give in to pushy CFs 'for a quiet life' - it's when the oomska hits the fan like this that all your earlier courage and firmness pays off!

And it sounds like you had your own little pseudo-wake when you all got sloshed together that time, so win-win... 😄

Send the email! Sod them.

I think your dear old dad knew his family well... no wonder he didn't want a wake!

In all seriousness, I do hope you're doing ok with your loss and this bunch of.. urm.. family haven't tainted anything for you. Go easy you.

Sorry, guilty of not reading all OP's posts. I hope this is the end of it for you. They all sound completely crazy.

I think this is fair. And add again at the end that it's not what your dad wanted at all.

This thread does show how many people don't highlight and read the OP's posts !

I came to the thread in June late and from memory I didn't post because I felt it had all, already been said. However I had massive sympathy for you, OP! I'm very interested to read this update. It sounds as if it has been a sh1tshow just as you expected it to be, and that your dad REALLY knew his family, and knew what he was doing.

Well done to all of you (you, siblings, his old friend the other Executor) for handling things as spectacularly well as you have. I'm kind of glad the other side of the family did have their get-together as in amongst all the nonsense I'm sure there were some valid feelings in there. However the fact that it descended into the kind of drunken chaos you've related here is... somehow satisfying. No major disasters, but enough nonsense that your dad's original wishes are retrospectively justified (not that this was necessary - his wishes were his wishes and don't need a justification, it's just interesting that they have a clear one!) and your attitude to everything has been vindicated.

I wish you and your siblings (well, basically all the sensible members of the family!) all the best in what is a very hard time (I mention, since I've lost two dads in my life).

(By the way, I hadn't actually read your later posts from June until today either, so I missed the sheer number of visits, emails etc you had at the time - utterly batshit and wholly inappropriate. I mean really, who treats the CHILDREN of the deceased like this, particularly given the hugely challenging circumstances of his death? they are bonkers!)

Who paid in the end?