Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

What did you tell your mum Poet? Your therapist?
We are all so sad for you, he does it again and again. Don’t you see that you deserve a better life than this!
Glad you are ok, please don’t step away from the thread, re engage with WA.

Be careful as now you’ve tried to leave the control may ramp up x

How very, very sad.

You don't need this, though. You don't need to be controlled and raped by a man who openly admits that he wants to rape you, before he does so. No one needs that.

I understand why you went back, as it's to be expected in abusive relationships, and there's no judgement here... But I still hope that you'll come to understand that you – and your children – deserve better than an abusive husband and father.

The poor children.

As I said, I expected this and I understand. That’s not to say I think that’s the right thing, and I dread to think what you’ll go through by the next time you feel you need to leave. I expect you are taking space from here because he’s in full apologetic ‘loving’ mode, you desperately want it to work, and so you don’t want to come here for any bubble-bursting. We are here for when you come back.

Perhaps the next time things turn bad you’ll have a different lens on it. You can’t unlearn what you learned from his own admissions recently. I do think when you know it’s time to leave it should come after careful planning for that step and for what follows it.

Be very very careful now, Poet. I believe you have no idea what he’s capable of. Please re-engage regularly with WA and start making plans for your safety and financial security. Confide in someone at work or your GP, as it seems you can’t confide in your family. Keep going to therapy, though I expect he’ll try to make you stop that. Wishing you strength, you can do this.

It often takes victims of domestic abuse multiple attempts to leave. We are still here for you Poet. Please be careful though, now you've already tried to leave once the control and abuse will likely ramp up.

Edited because I'm not sure what I'm saying is helpful right now though it is sadly true.

I hope you can protect yourself and your children when he inevitably ramps up the abuse after knowing you were close to leaving. I know it usually takes a few attempts to leave - good luck.

Unless I missed something we don't actually know that Poet tried to leave, do we? She may have told both him and her parents that she needed some space and nothing more. I'm not saying she's not in danger, she and her children have been in danger for years, but I think she said she's gone away for a few days space before.

https://www.dailymail.com/lifestyle/article-15983273/husband-perfect-family-man-drugging-raping-filming-depravity-ZOE-WATTS.html

Apologies this is behind a paywall, I get access via an online magazine subscription. Reading this knowing you are back there just fills me with dread Poet. This women had terrible headaches and her husband had been drugging her. If you husband is on best behaviour at the moment, he’s admitted to raping you , I want you to ask him, in the guise of forgiveness if he’s ever drugged you. (Personally I’d also be recording this on a voice note and sending to your mum!)

All the love and strength.

I agree with the other poster, she may not be in more danger as perhaps she didn’t tell him she was taking a break or anything else. So really he may have just thought she was taking them to her parents to give him a break or something. In which case, she’s not in more danger. But the same level of danger remains.

Yes, if she keeps cooperating with him and fawning, she's not really in any danger of anything except continuing rape, which - speaking frankly - is just the norm for her. It's dreadfully sad, but not exactly 'dangerous' unless he decides to be rougher with her as a way to ramp up his control.

I think the real danger is in the effect this poisonous dynamic will have on her children as they grow up, internalising abusive relationships as the norm. Hopefully Poet will be able to find the motivation to leave before it's too late, but I fear it's more likely he'll try to entrap her with pretty promises and another baby, and she'll still be there in ten years, just as unhappy and lost.

I hope that's not the case, though.

I think when a man changes the narrative from ‘you are just so sexy I can’t keep my hands off you’ to blatantly saying ‘I had to rape you before and I will do again’ to his wife’s face, then the danger level is being ramped up.
It is not about a man who ‘needs’ sex it is about punishment and humiliation. And when he’s admitting he can rape, then what next?
I think this man is very dangerous.
Another red line crossed and now he know he can rape and openly call it rape whenever he wants to.

That's true - now that he's openly declared to Poet that he's raping her, it's possible he may need to escalate in severity/violence in order to achieve the same satisfaction for himself, and that could be dangerous. Hopefully not, but his admission does show a level of calculated sadism that's quite shocking.

' He will be back at work Monday and I know he’s going in so I can call my mum and make arrangements to go when I pick them all up. '

That was written on the 11th

before he raped her just a few hours later

' I’ve told my mum we need to stay for a couple days for space , kept it low key. '

That was written in the morning of the 13th Monday

then in the evening of Monday 13th PP said '

' We’ve gone to my mums . Thank you everyone . I’ve said things arnt right and I’m trying my best to share more . I’ve told her I don’t want to speak to him at the moment. I’ve told him we are taking some space and turned my phone off. Going to have a rest tonight ! X '

At no point did PP say or even suggest she was leaving her abusive rapist of a husband,

we hoped she was / did but she down played it all so much that Mum prob thinks they had a little argument / he was ' stressed ' ( which is why they stayed before as he was getting ' stressed ' )

Hopefully PP kept her therapy appointment this week
and phoned WA.

I wasn't saying she isn't in danger, I was pointing out if she didn't actually leave she remains in the same level of danger and at the same level of risk. Which is high, as pointed out when she did the Women's Aid risk assessment because sexual violence makes you very high risk. The point was, if he didn't know she was planning to leave, it hasn't increased beyond what it was. His behaviour will continue to escalate as it has been since the beginning of course, we all know that.

I know she won’t be reading here at the moment, but one thing we do know is that he not only raped her in their friends house after threatening to do so but, unless there was a change to the sleeping arrangements that she didn’t mention, he did so in the same room as two of their children aged 3 and older. We have been told there’s no chance of them waking (despite that exact circumstance interrupting sex the previous night at home when the threat was made) but that’s the reality of what he is prepared to expose those children to.

I think the kids had bunked up with the friend's kids.

Poet, thanks for checking in. I'm guessing you didn't speak to your mum more than the initial bit. I suspect she is very worried. Please talk to your therapist about last weekend. If you are still going which I think you should.

Take care. You will need to.

Oh yes I think you’re right. I bet he was happy with that plan. That’s something at least.

No judgement Poet, you’ve come a long way from your initial posts. I’m just glad you and the children are safe. Please continue to speak to your therapist. Also please consider telling your mum, even if you have to write it out, or could your friend speak to your mum about what’s been happening? This might be easier than having to confront your mum face to face. Everyone on Mumsnet just want what is best for you. I’m hoping in time when your ready you will leave and not look back, the future can look bright for you and your children xxx

@YourOliveBalonz you made a good point about planning to leave needing to be done carefully. And that takes time, and really couldn't have been done properly last weekend so of course we are where we are. Hopefully Poet can make some time to strategist while keeping as safe as she can, given the most dangerous time is while trying to leave. If, to do it safely, it takes ages, then that's for the best in the long run.

As it will happen again. Even with the red line shifting, as it seems to, eventually it will hit the breakers, even if that is years away.

The kids have now seen her crying. So that's out of the bag and can't be out back in.

I just hope they stay safe in the meantime, or as safe as she can make it.

Thinking of you Poet.

How are you Poet? You’ve not mentioned therapy at all lately so I’m wondering if you are still engaging. Please tell me you are.
You’re in my thoughts x