Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

Im glad you have started another thread, and I am happy that you have felt able to say that you are going to your mum's for the weekend. I assume that previously it had seemed 'too much' to ask as came on the back of arguments and his apologies, whereas at the moment he may be thinking that things are going swimmingly for him as there havent been any recent accusations for him to raise his suspicions. This really reminds me of having to meaphorically tiptoe around my ex to find the right time to say or suggest things to minimise any backlash.

No one's sick of you Poet, we're glad you feel like you can talk about what you're experiencing, it's a privilege to be able to be there for you.

You're the only one able to figure out why you're doing this. That it is concerning and makes us very worried about you doesn't mean it doesn't make sense in your situation. I can think of a couple reasons:

-You're self-sabotaging out of fear and because you've been groomed
-You want to punish yourself for feeling feelings that don't fit into the life you lead anymore
-You're taking preventative action to keep him from doing things that you want to believe are the only thing that is problematic
-You want to keep yourself from leaving the relationship because you think you would be seen as a failure and cannot cope with the aftermath

A lot of women in support groups voice their surprise there are words for what they experience as they've been voiceless.
If you can put it into words you can put it into action though.

It sounds like even if you instigate sex (for whatever reason you're doing it), he needs that element of domination and power. I wouldn't be surprised if he rather you would resist, because he gets off on sexual violence/coercion/whatever you want to call it.

Whatever you do won't fix that, that is all on him. If he won't change because he wants to change, your relationship is not one of love and equal respect but one of power, and it's making you ill. It's a good decision to go to your mum's and maybe you should also stay with your friend, whatever you need to do that gets you away from him.

I also think that staying with your parents this weekend is a big step.

what made you decide this?
how did you broach this with your husband?
what was his response?

either way; well done xx

Hi Poet, I'm wondering whether you’re initiating sex with him daily in an attempt to convince yourself that you’re not a victim? I recall you saying recently that you hated the idea of being a victim more than anything else.

But actually no SA victim lines to think of herself as a victim. Hence we call ourselves SA survivors. And that is what you’re doing, finding ways to survive.

I’m glad you’ve booked another therapy session on Friday. It's very good timing with you going away for the weekend.

Please also keep posting on here when you need to aswell. And never think that we’ll be getting fed up with you, we won’t. ❤️

I agree but I would expect OP to struggle with using the words abuse and victim because of how she values so much the social unit abuse takes place in - within a marriage, in a family. It is not allowed to "fail" although it already did solely because of who he is and what he wants their dynamic to be. It's reasonable to say the scales were turned against her from the beginning because of her age and everything else.

I can only guess, and I only have second-hand experience from how things went with my mum. But I think you might be right right and maybe in OP's mind, if she could only stop being a victim, he might stop being an abuser.

Behind rejecting these labels is a lot of black and white, all or nothing thinking that needs reframing - survivor rather than victim, as you said.

The abuse occurs though, if anything the attempt to wrest some degree of agency back while staying within the harmful dynamic is further proof of it.

There is no successful reframing his actions. The drinking is another way of numbing oneself, now that her feelings are allowed to come out in therapy and in conversation with the posters on here. OP, if you wanted the sex you would not need to drink.

Your values OP and your strong belief in family is probably only one reason why you think you need to stay and make it work, so is your trying to make changes, as futile as it is.

It's actually proof that you would manage without him, and I'd bet my savings you and your children would very soon be a lot happier for it. And I think you might be numbing yourself also because you've started to think the unthinkable. And that's always an awful feeling but I fear it's also necessary. Please look after yourself.

We have done it other ways but he has only ever finished when he’s on top , controlling the pace and controlling the whole thing if I think about it like that. Missionary sometimes but from behind is his preference

are you going to tell me this is something else which is not usual?!

It wasn’t as big a deal as I thought , I just framed it as like you’ve got a lot on I can take them away for a night and you can have the house to yourself.

He has a good relationship with my parents so he won’t think too much of this. They also live pretty close in the next town

No we’ve had sex like that lots of times in the past that wasn’t the first time. It was the first time he ever bypassed my obvious ‘no’ and started when I was half asleep and then wouldn’t stop when I was crying , albeit quietly because I didn’t want to wake my family up .

He would quite often choose that position in the past.

I am sharing this in case it helps or resonates in any way op.

As a young teen I was groomed and abused by an older man. He first had full sex with me when I was 14. Then he became increasingly controlling and violent and would often rape me. .. but I would also initiate sex with him all the time. For me (and this will be different for everyone), I initiated sex with him so I felt like I was the one in control and doing this cool and powerful and grown up thing; a kind of attempt to convince myself that it was on my terms so I could keep going.

Might it be something like this?

The violence gets worse. Make no mistake about it op. It escalated in my case to the point where he sold access to 14 year old me to other men and routinely injured me. He once accidentally punctured my lung. I was lucky to get out.

Pressure to the neck can be fatal very, very fast. Keep talking to people.

I'm only one person with my own personal experience but no I don't think that's remotely normal. It's also a bit boring frankly.

I mean crap sex is the least of your issues really but the fact you don't see this as weird is another reminder that he groomed a wounded and naive teenager, and led her to believe that his warped view of love and sex was the norm, whilst actually abusing you in the worst possible ways. Who knows what else he's led you to believe is normal. If I remember right, he fed you the lie previously about men being unable to stop etc and physically needing sex.

No, Poet, it's not usual. Nothing about your relationship is usual. I do hope the night away helps, and at the very least that you can sleep soundly as he won't be there.

Your posts are the saddest things I have ever read on MN. And deeply deeply worrying. You deserve so much better. And so do your children.

It's PinkNosy with a different name, somewhat unintentionally.

are you going to tell me this is something else which is not usual?!

What do you think, OP? Based on what your friends discuss, based on what you see in films, TV shows like Sex in the City for example - do you think it's usual for a man to only be able to orgasm when he's on top, ideally facing away from his wife?

It’s very unusual over a decade to have only ever finished in one position.

Also very unusual (and unnerving) for a man with a high sex drive to be actively more turned on by an unwilling / unengaged / invisible (as in facing away) participant than a willing, enthusiastic one.

This is all because he is fundamentally someone aroused by dominance, with sexual assault and rape being his ideal scenarios clearly.

Most (all?!) normal, well adjusted husbands would be so, so aroused by an enthusiastic woman on top of them. Not feel the need to dominate by getting on top, turning the woman over and finishing when they can’t even see her face.

Ok . Noted
something else I haven’t really given much thought before but I appreciate the outside perspective

My friends and I have never been the types to go in detail on our sex lives so I guess that’s why I’ve not realised

It’s not to say that that we never have romantic ‘nice’ sex, we do sometimes but it always ends up as rough and him as the dominant

I can believe that he can only cum when he’s in a dominant position, physically and mentally. He gets off on his power and control of you. He’s not excited by looking into your eyes as he makes love to you. It always ends in rough sex, with you facing away, because that’s what turns him on.

It’s not to say that that we never have romantic ‘nice’ sex, we do sometimes but it always ends up as rough and him as the dominant

So Poet all those times you've told us you've broken down talking about the trauma you are carrying, how upset you are, you have these big emotional chats and he promises to change, then you end up having "loving, romantic sex" - but at the last, he always turns you over and roughly f*cks you from behind?

Is that how it goes?

No, I would say it's not normal for him to only orgasm in one position, and that position is one where he's dominating/controlling you.

Him having a high sex drive is not an excuse to coerce you into sex and rape you, or have rough, dominating sex with you if that's not what you want. My husband has a very high drive, he would have sex all day every day if he could. But he has gotten my enthusiastic consent every single time we have sex, and for every single position. That's not to gloat, that's to tell you that this is NORMAL in a loving relationship. It's fine to enjoy certain positions and rough sex, but only with the enthusiastic consent of both parties. And yes, if you're having these emotional chats, start having romantic sex, and he then flips you over and has sex with you roughly, pinning you down with his weight and with his hand on your neck, with no checking in or ensuring you consent to it, that is horrible and yet another sign that he views you as a body to do whatever he wants to.

I also wonder, does he give any thought to your enjoyment/pleasure during sex? It certainly doesn't seem like it.

Then it’s not nice, romantic sex at all Poet. It’s just him manipulating you into being vulnerable enough he can then be rough with you then turn you over and finish with you face down in the bed, now often with his hand on your neck, re-enacting the position of the rape
at your parents house.

I am so sorry that this man chose to take a vulnerable teenager with no life experience, and recent severe sexual trauma, and make her believe any of this is normal x

I’m so glad you’re staying at your mums for the weekend, it will give you some breathing space. I was similar to you, I used to have one drink every day for months. To begin with it dulled the pain of the abuse but only for a short while. My exh also used to put his hands round my throat, I didn’t realise just how dangerous it was. Until the police said I was in the high risk category. At the time I didn’t think he would actually seriously hurt me because I was focusing on the other abuse. I may be wrong but I think you’re focusing on the sexual abuse and not realising just how dangerous him putting his hands on your throat can be. It just takes slight pressure to cause serious damage. I really hope you can find the courage to speak to your mum this weekend, I understand how difficult it is telling anyone, especially family. Your mum will understand and will want to support you, please open up to her. I wish I had before things got so much worse xxx

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I can’t believe how many lovely people take the time to reply and support me ❤️

I’ve run out of wine so I won’t be buying new today !

@PinkPoetAgain1

It’s not to say that that we never have romantic ‘nice’ sex, we do sometimes but it always ends up as rough and him as the dominant

I just want to point out (as others have) that what you're depicting here is not 'romantic' nor is it 'nice' sex.

Romantic, nice sex begins and ends with loving, tender, and enthusiastic participation by both people.

It doesn't take friends chatting about their sex lives to know this. Books, TV, films, and the web are all rife with good information on what a 'healthy sex life' looks like in a loving relationship. And your therapist can certainly tell you too.

@PinkPoetAgain1

This may be way off base, but has he ever encouraged you to watch porn either with him or on your own? Many of the depictions of sex that are appearing in porn these days rather mirror his idea of what sex should be. And if he encourages (or makes) you watch it that could account for some of your 'confused' beliefs on what good sex really is.

I find myself thinking of you and your relationship every time I read another tragic story in the media. Not necessarily because I think this will happen to you, god only knows there are enough abusers who ‘just’ abuse their partners for years on end without killing them, but it’s really standing out to me how many men who do kill their partners have NOT been beating them prior to the relationship ending. It’s all there in the control and their attitude to the relationship and women in general.

RIP Annabel Rook. She was with her killer for 10 years by the point she decided to end the relationship. By the sounds of it he had pushed her and held her by the neck before, and she was used to walking on eggshells around his moods, but she could not have foreseen the danger she was in breaking up with him in person. In the same way that you could not imagine it.

A quote from the BBC article reporting on the murder sentence:

”Rook told her close friend Catherine Milne about the relationship difficulties while insisting there had been no violence and saying: "I don't think he would do that."”

Well done not topping up your wine supply today Poet. Keep going.

I wonder if we can help you in thinking of ways to tell your parents you might need their help, without explicitly saying how bad it is ir going into detail. Perhaps you can mention gently that you aren’t quite ready to tell them what’s going on but that you can see yourself needing your parents help. Or to ask her hypothetically what your mum would think if you were to ask for help, or if you could hypothetically talk to her if something wasn’t 100% as great as it looked like it should be.. you might be happily surprised by the response without feeling vulnerable and over exposed.

I think this is really good advice Poet x