Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

@PinkPoetAgain1 dear Poet, you are also in my thoughts 💐

Hi Poet, just checking in to say lots of us are still thinking of you and hoping you’re ok and safe x

Yes, I too hope you are ok, Poet.

We are all here to support you Poet.

I’m thinking of you and hope you and your DC are doing well, Poet. ❤️

I hope you and the children are alright, Poet

Hi everyone,
we are all ok thank you for asking
everything is ok

I find it amazing how he can treat me like a queen, the most important person in my life one minute
Then he is moody, shouty, raging about the house making me jump
It makes me sad because often these days I feel like he doesn’t like his life with us. He wishes he never had so many kids. He doesn’t say it but I just get the feeling . They are a lot sometimes but it’s not their fault

ive still been doing therapy
she’s changed tact recently and said maybe we should go for for a couples session

the nightmares are the worst thing at the moment . I wake several times scared out my mind

Sometimes I’m imagining things/hallucinating for a few minutes after I wake up

Couples therapy is absolutely not appropriate for abusive relationships. I'm a bit confused why she's suggested this?

She does use the word abuse to describe parts of our relationship but I have been explaining how he’s been much better at sticking to boundaries lately and I still freeze up during sex and find it traumatic

that’s when she suggested therapy so I could communicate how I feel honestly with a neutral 3rd party mediating

he doesn’t want to though . He says he has no interest in ‘me and the therapist ganging up on him’

She’s been doing allot of work with me building self esteem and empowering me to say no and not feel guilty

I’ve been trying
I told him NO sleep stuff
He hasn’t
He does still wake me up early mornings to try it on but when I say no he seems to accept it even though it makes him moody

I think it’s good he doesn’t want to go to couples therapy. He’s at the stage where he knows he can’t ‘win’ over a therapist with charm.
Poet, you don’t openly threaten a woman with rape if you equate her to a queen in your world.
Not only did he say he’d have to rape you again, he did. It was a red line and he crossed it.
What happened when you went to stay at your mum’s? Was he aware of how threatened you felt? What did he do/say to make you feel you needed to find home?
The nightmares are because he’s raped you recently, and because he’s used the word in open conversation.
Your body knows it is under 24/7 threat. So even though you came home for your own reasons, your body keeps the score. Your body knows this man is not safe to be around.
Your poor children being subjected to his moods as well.
I hope one day you find the courage to leave, because you decide to and not because he does something even worse. I would not wish such cruelty on you or your children.
It must be very hard to leave if this is how you have to live when you stay. My heart goes out to you.

Glad you are ok ish Poet. Couples therapy with an abusive partner is an ethical no no, I'm surprised it's been suggested.

I read something the other week that reminded me of you. Re the drugged women raped by their husbands and others. Apparently when drugged, their eyes are closed so the rapist can't see his guilt reflected back at him. Which made me think about your husband always wanting you face down, so he can't see your eyes. It sounded worryingly similar to me.

He just told me he couldn’t be without me and the kids were asking for him and I just couldn’t carry to burden of telling the truth to be honest
and I missed him . It’s so shit to admit but I guess I can on an anonymous forum

I agree that when he used the word r* in conversation it probably added a new layer of fear

Your body and mind must be in terror mode 24/7 so your sleep isn't benefiting you in the way it should. You must be exhausted. Sweetheart, it doesn't need to be like this.

Good to hear from you, Poet.

I still freeze up during sex and find it traumatic
Why are you doing it then, if you find sex traumatic?

What was the red line you mentioned he crossed Poet?
hope you are ok.
Did your mum find out anything?

In a previous thread OP’s husband was again complaining about the lack of sex and said last time he’d been deprived of it, it had driven him to rape her.
There was a clear threat he’d do it again, and at some point soon after he did.

I just told her we are arguing , which is true in a way
I couldn’t stomach anything else
it feels ridiculous to say it out loud :(

That's why we wondered if it might be easier to write it down and give it to her to read while you aren't there. as i totally get you, I couldn't say it either. But she will be so worried about you and trying so hard not to drive you away by saying anything first.

Now that he has backed off the sleep sex, for now, I guess for the most part I am happy at the start when we are having sex. I even initate it sometimes when I want to feel connected

but at some point I usually disassociate
I am coming in to realise this through therapy

Another issue is that the type of sex he enjoys and it ends up being (rough, with you facing away from him) is not about connection at all, quite the opposite.

Aside from sex I just feel so sad that he says we are the lights of his life but then on the weekends he is stressy and just seems like he hates his existence being a parent

We can’t win . I feel like a can’t catch a breath sometimes

I think once your children hit the teen years this is going to get so much more difficult, and you’ll need to pick them over him to protect them in arguments. So you’ll need to start making a plan now to get out, safely. He will not deal with teenagers well.
Are there any practical parts of leaving that you’re struggling to work out?

Poet, it's actions, not words that show you what he thinks of you all. A few lovey dovey words mean nothing compared to how he shows you and the kids who he really is.

Although the kids may be learning to fawn, which will put them in dangerous situations as teens.