Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

Average attempts at leaving before successfully doing so, I think is something like 7 😞

Poet, please come back x

It takes someone 7 times to
leave on average? And this is one of the worst cases of abuse I’ve ever read about on here or anywhere else.
He is a very dangerous man. He’s told OP he’d raped her before and would rape her again.
There is no way he has then gone ‘okay you stay with your mum for a break’ and got on with his day. He’s either threatening or bombarding and these men will threaten to hurt anyone when in a corner - perhaps Poet feels her parents are in danger now.
Personally, I think the only way to move at this point is to involve the police and give them a full history. It would remove him from Poet’s orbit in some ways. But I understand it’s not possible.
If you’ve ever supported someone leaving it can go on for years.
I feel so sorry for this young woman living like this. She is living under the threat of rape every single day.
We discuss rape gangs and rightfully say how horrendous they are. They treat young women in an inhumane way.
The ‘DH’ here had groomed a young girl into a life of fear and abuse. His children live in fear. He is the man who is supposed to love and protect them.

And if it goes on, it goes on. With our support. At this point I'm not sure saying what she should do is remotely helpful. We just want to know she's OK and then she can take it from there with support wherever 'there' is. The support on this thread isn't conditional on making a specific decision now unless I've misread it massively. It's just support, worry and care. She owes us nothing.

Not at all wanting to add to any pressure you might be feeling, Poet. I think we would all understand why you might want to hope things might be different now and that you can chance going back to "normal". I know that all you ever wanted is normality. And it's horrible to hear that a lot of it wasn't, actually, normal by many people's standards.

I think my main worry is the possibility of it escalating. Clearly when things get slightly heated the nice-guy goes out the window and he's not backwards in telling you how he really feels.

I am anxious for you

Remember that Poet had sent one of the earlier threads to her friend abroad, some time ago now, but if I was that friend I would have been following all of these ever since even if I couldn’t talk to her safely in person. Hopefully, even if Poet hasn’t been able to share details with her parents yet or if she has felt she had to go back, there is at least one person in real life who knows the whole story and can check on her safety.

Poet, I have been following all your threads but have not commented til now (as there have been so many brilliant and brave women on here sharing advice more usefully than I could). Really hope you are safe, you are so brave, and this space is here for you.

This is what makes me a tiny bit cynical as to whether that happened. (The sending of the thread to the friend).

I think this is probably what has happened. It's important not to get too emotionally involved on Mumsnet, that age old adage comes to mind of 'Do not give more to others posters, financially or emotionally, than you can afford to give'.

However, when England lost last night my first thought was OP and her safety. Her husband's mood and what he might tell her he 'needed' to feel better. It made me feel completely sick.

There is ZERO chance that this man waved his wife off for some space.

Given his profile, I do not believe he would threaten her with violence or act violently initally. I believe one of two things happened:

1. He emotionally manipulated OP. 'You've devastated me babe, my life isn't worth living without you and the children. You are my whole world. I know I have messed up but we'd been happy hadn't we? I know you love me and I will fight for you. I won't give up on us now or ever. We've been through everything together, it's us against the world babe. You know you can't live without me and I don't want to live without you. I am going to spend the rest of my life working to be the man you want me to be. I have booked an appointment with a therapist and let's go to couples therapy too if that's what you want. I'll do whatever you want baby, please come back. If I don't have you, I don't want to be alive'.
2. He went down the 'You aren't well route.', he got to her parents before she did or threatened to. Maybe she felt that telling them was impossible, that maybe they would side with him. Perhaps because she didn't tell them anything, they said something insensitive. Perhaps she started to doubt whether the issue was actually her. Maybe he mentioned her drinking or her health. 'Come home babe and let me look after you. Nobody can take care of you the way I do', etc.

Of course, either way, the moment she returns, once the honeymoon period is over, she will be punished over and over again. It might take a few weeks this time, maybe even a couple of months as he saw that she had found some strength but nothing will change because he never will never change.

I have never wanted to be wrong more than I do now. Forget to say, whatever has happened we just want to know that you are as safe as you can be OP. And if you did make it to your parents, that's still a big step that you made and you've proven to yourself you can do it now.

@OneOliveOtter I too thought of Poet last night during the football. I really hope she hasn't had to bear the brunt of his anger at us losing.

Exactly. In my house, the responses post shouting at the telly re defensive subs were: DP: I'm going to bed, its always the same isn't it, and me: I'm going to watch Love Island, I need to laugh at some idiots, up in a bit.

Not what I suspect what would happen in Poet's house.

Whatever is happening Poet will know - hopefully - that she has this thread and however many she needs for as long as she needs them.

@OneOliveOtterThat is exactly the type of things he would say.

@SunshiningbrightUnfortunately OP deleted most of the previous threads so they no longer exist.

It’s so sad that everyone can see how this will play out, despite him thinking he’s the main character in a great romantic hero in a love story, when really he’s just a common abuser, same as all the rest.

@ThisIsPinkPoet1Hope you are safe, wherever you are 💐

If PinkPoet did tell her friend abroad about a thread, I would hope that the friend had the sense to follow that thread and all the ones after.

Indeed I would also hope the friend downloaded the threads and has them all in paper form - useful for the police if PP ever ends up in hospital paralysed thru ' sex gone wrong ' or our worst fear, dead.

Actually I will go further and say, I rather hope the friend is on this thread and the previous ones.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5554034-abusive-and-ready-to-leave-update?postsby=Aplcdone

A good outcome for another poster Poet x

I checked with MNHQ and they have an electronic copy of all deleted threads should they be needed for the police.

I don’t think OP will come back until the next incident happens.

Well if so, that's okay. Whenever PP is ready to check in is okay. Whatever she's done, or not done, it's okay to come back.

Another alternative is, given the events of the weekend, PP is not in a great place emotionally/MH wise and perhaps feels this thread might compound that for her. Hopefully she’ll be back when she’s ready.

Hope you’re ok @ThisIsPinkPoet1

I think there’s quite a lot of speculation going on, which I guess is understandable. Really we don’t know what is going on, as there’s a number of possibilities, all as likely as the next. However, we can’t control what happens/has already happened. Just not sure how helpful it is writing detailed depictions of events from the outside, it seems a bit like jumping to conclusions. I’m sure Poet will be back in her own time, she’s returned after a period of absence before and she knows we’re here.

I also suspect she'll be intimidated by loads of new posts, and yes, I know I am guilty of contributing to it! So maybe let's just leave it with love for her to come back when or if she chooses.

@hiyapalll totally inappropriate and off-topic, but is your username from Home
Alone?!

Poet look up Lucy Godley on insta

I just did - oh my goodness what an incredible woman!

Thank you everyone for the messages checking in. I’m ok, all is fine. Everyone is right and we are now back. I apologise but I just feel like it’s what I need right now

So sorry everyone. I’m going to take some space but I didn’t want anyone worrying so please don’t. All is ok x

Thanks for the update, Pink Poet. Totally fine for you to take some space. We'll be here whenever you want to come back. Wishing you well.