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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pinkpoet support thread (TW for SA)

873 replies

PinkPoetAgain1 · 08/06/2026 12:05

Just starting a new thread for those who are following/supporting

I’m all over the place mentally at the moment as I said in my last thread but I’m still listening xx

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
RS1987 · 14/07/2026 17:38

WallaceinAnderland · 14/07/2026 14:46

Also, when you turn your phone back on OP, be prepared for hundreds of messages from him.

The love bombing will start in earnest, the crying, the promises, the fresh start, threats to self harm, etc.

All the standard script for the abuser, perfectly normal, perfectly predictable and of course, all lies. Just so that you are prepared.

Until they get them back, then it’s worse than before as a punishment for leaving. Same every time.

NettleTea · 14/07/2026 18:14

RS1987 · 14/07/2026 17:38

Until they get them back, then it’s worse than before as a punishment for leaving. Same every time.

And also because they know they must have had some help to leave, so you get locked down further, and stuff which wasnt a problem in the past suddenly is.

NettleTea · 14/07/2026 18:29

yes its useful to be forewarned that he will try every tactic in the book to regain control. I wont say 'get you back', because that implies he loves you and cant live without you, but this is about power and control, and also his image in front of other men, which will be blown out of the water by you leaving.

Please tell as many people in real life as you feel able - the less things are swept under the carpet the safer for you, Not the details of course, but just that it wasnt working for you and that you have left.

He will cry, he will plead, he will promise you the world. Think of what you always wanted from him, and that will be proffered. He will likely go nice guy first - understanding, promising therapy, apparently sympathising with the hurt you feel. He will take the blame and say he needs to fix it, he will do anything to fix it. He will say how much he loves you and the children, how much he missed you, cant you just come home and talk about it.

Then he will likely try the guilt - how you are hurting him so much, damaging the children, how he thought you were a team, youve been through so much together, he has supported you through so much, and given up so much for you. This is where he may bring up the event a uni to make you feel indebted for how he stood by you.

If that doesnt work he will move into knocking your confidence, using things you have revealed to him to bring you down a peg, to make you feel small and hopeless and pathetic and how you now need to be feeling grateful to him for standing by you when others wouldnt - how you need him because of X,Y and Z.

then he will get angry and or threatening. Angry first Id guess. Threatening aftertwards.

All of this is just babble babble though. None of it has substance because it is all words designed to find where the weak spot in your resolve is, to find the crack and then to exploit that partticular weakness (and we all have them) until he has you where he can control you.

This is why it is important not to speak to him if you can. |Ive seen it recommended to give your phone to someone else to open and to make sure there is nothing important in what is being said. Youi need to be strong to survive this kind of bombardment, which is inevitable, and he is a master of manipulation.

So assuming your mother or father can unlock your phone, check there is nothing of real significance , that its all part of the crap detailed above, and send the notice that you do not want him to contact you. If he continues then that can be reported as harrasment, and, HOPEFULLY he will have the sense to know that you have enough on him to put him away for a very long time, and he gives you the space.

that is my hope, but I just wanted you to have a heads up as to the verbal tactics he will employ if you dont curb him.

Heretodayonly · 14/07/2026 18:51

Just to add to what @NettleTea has said. If there are messages there which mention the sexual assaults, how he promises it'll never happen again, how it only happened because he finds you too attractive etc, screenshot them, keep them. Don't delete them.

You don't want to go to the police now. You may never want to go to the police. But in case you ever did or needed those incriminating messages, keep them.

If ever tempted to go back, remember what happened the other night.

He tried to push you into sex by threatening to rape you if he didn't. Specifically him saying that he ended up raping you previously, so he clearly knew what he'd done. Then the next night he raped you. There's no ambiguity there. No way it can be twisted or defended.

SaltyCara · 14/07/2026 20:01

I think it's so incredibly telling that, having said he that felt like he would rape you if you didn't have sex with him (by the way, what!?), the next words out of his mouth weren't, "And I know that that makes me a monster so I'm going to immediately remove myself from the house to protect you. I can't subject you to being treated like this. I know it's completely unacceptable for me to behave in this way and that you don't deserve to be regularly raped by anyone, let alone your husband. I'm going to get some help so that I don't do that to you."

Instead, he tried to use rape as a threat to, um, make you have sex with him - that's rape too. He knows that he has been raping you and... he doesn't care. He actually tried to use the previous rapes to rape you again. It's NOT that he doesn't think/believe/understand that he's a rapist. It's that he thinks it's absolutely fine for him to rape you, even to the point of allowing himself to use it as a threat. He is a very, very dangerous man.

It's really understandable that this incident has made the scales fall from your eyes. Try to do any small, even trivial things for yourself to help with the shock. Your favourite tea, some breathing exercises, having a lie down and listening to some soothing music. It's a lot to take in and your subconscious has been fighting for some time to rescue your conscious mind from his manipulations. I imagine you will experience a massive comedown as part of processing it all over the next few hours/days. We're all here to support you.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/07/2026 20:16

He can promise what he likes. He did that before. The fresh start was the big moment where OP decided to believe him. Then he raped her again.

scoobysnaxx · 15/07/2026 09:10

really hope you’re okay OP.
hold firm! Rock solid.
he admitted he raped you and threatened to do so again. He coerced and manipulated you with it.
stay strong.
i hope you’re still at mums xxx

ToYouFromMe · 15/07/2026 10:07

Sending support and strength
Your a great Mum in taking the steps you have for the sake of your family.Your stronger than you think.
Take it all 1 day at a time. Take time for yourself.
If your speaking to your Mum, that's great.
If not please speak to someone in RL to share some of it, it ll make you feel a bit better.
Your in all of our thoughts 💕

FiloPasty · 15/07/2026 14:16

Poet are you ok?

Im hoping you’re with your parents and doing ok. You know that we are all still here to support you, whichever path you’ve taken. We all know how difficult this is x

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 15/07/2026 16:06

@ThisIsPinkPoet1 I'm really hoping you're okay and are safe 🙏🏻💐

murasaki · 15/07/2026 16:18

Another one hoping ýou are ok Poet. Whatever you've decided, or nothing, it doesn't matter to the fact we're worried about you and please don't feel you can't talk if you want to or just to say hello if you don't feel like it.

DiggerLily · 15/07/2026 21:07

Another one thinking of you. No pressure, and no matter what you have decided to do there will be no judgement. We are here whenever you need a sounding board. Day by day, one step at a time.

bigboykitty · 15/07/2026 22:58

Hoping you are safe xx

LizzieW1969 · 15/07/2026 23:32

Echoing other posters, Poet, I hope you’re safe wherever you are.

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 16/07/2026 12:19

Is anyone else concerned for Poet's safety? It's been three days since we've heard from her and I just have a bad feeling. I really hope I'm wrong.

LizzieW1969 · 16/07/2026 12:22

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 16/07/2026 12:19

Is anyone else concerned for Poet's safety? It's been three days since we've heard from her and I just have a bad feeling. I really hope I'm wrong.

Yes, I'm very concerned for her safety as well.

FiloPasty · 16/07/2026 12:24

Very! But I’m hoping it’s just because she’s with her family, I’ve been told off for constantly mentioning Clare’s Law, the police etc but I just feel you do need to look ahead. This is a man who has no compunction in raping his wife, especially in a power play situation in others homes. He is not going to idly let her walk away. Very dangerous man indeed, Poet has appeased and shrunk herself over the years and I think his reaction to her leaving will have been catastrophic. I’m not very religious but I’m praying she is ok.

murasaki · 16/07/2026 12:24

Yes. I suspect she's gone back, and is feeling like she can't post. Poet, you can, and please do, just to let us know you are ok. No one is going to judge you, or anything like that, we're just worried.

OtterlyAstounding · 16/07/2026 12:34

Given Poet had already gone to her parents last time she posted, I'm hopeful that it's simply that she's kept her phone off, or is simply dealing with too much to check Mumsnet (and has the support of her parents).

I suppose it's possible she's already gone back to her husband, but I'm hoping it's still too soon for that to be likely. But it is a worry.

FMc208 · 16/07/2026 12:40

I’m concerned for her, too.

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 16/07/2026 12:40

@ThisIsPinkPoet1 if you have gone back, please don't feel like you can't come back to your thread. We know it's not easy and we won't judge you. We all want what's best for you and the children. I do hope you're all safe 🙏🏻 💐

LizzieW1969 · 16/07/2026 12:44

She did actually say that she would be switching her phone off, which was a sensible move. And yes, she might well have too much going on to update us.

But if you have gone back, Poet, please don't feel that you can’t come back. We just want to know you’re ok.

OtterlyAstounding · 16/07/2026 12:45

Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 16/07/2026 12:40

@ThisIsPinkPoet1 if you have gone back, please don't feel like you can't come back to your thread. We know it's not easy and we won't judge you. We all want what's best for you and the children. I do hope you're all safe 🙏🏻 💐

I second this!

YourOliveBalonz · 16/07/2026 12:48

My assumption, to be honest, is that she’s back in the family home and I thought it was going that way from how she told her parents there were problems and space was needed I.e. nothing irreversible. Hopefully she’s either needing to be super careful or just doesn’t want to tell us that she’s giving it another go because of how enthusiastic everyone was about her ‘leaving’.

Its a step closer though and it primes her parents at least to know something is up. Unfortunately I think it was more of a pressure point where she felt she needed to flee from that moment rather than a decision to leave. I’d love to be wrong, but I just want PinkPoet to know as others have said there aren’t necessarily expectations here and we do understand, as much as we would of course love for you to be permanently out of this situation.

WonderingAndOverthinking · 16/07/2026 12:48

She would not be able to keep her phone off constantly for so long, not with children at school. I fear that she has gone back and is worried about being judged for doing so.

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