Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

He is very manipulative, OP.

He's also trying to act like he's the decent guy, when in reality he's not.

Let him keep showing those true colours.

Be kind to yourself.

It’s wildly infuriating. However, reframe it. He’s kindly giving you even more evidence of what a manipulative shit he is. He’s angry because you’ve denied him access to manipulate you.

Is it any comfort to realise that he is very much not sitting contentedly at home, pleased with how things have gone? You think you’re angry - he’s incandescent that you’ve managed to wriggle free despite all the work he put in, all the traps he laid, all the hooks he’d sunk into you.

That’s a useful image actually- he infested you with fish hooks. He’s been playing you for months, and you’ve been alternately swimming away and being reeled back in whenever you stop fighting. You’ve been quietly tearing those hooks free. You’re almost there. Just need to identify the last few hooks and get them gone. Then enjoy the peace and quiet while you recover, bruised and battered, but free.

That’s a useful image actually- he infested you with fish hooks. He’s been playing you for months, and you’ve been alternately swimming away and being reeled back in whenever you stop fighting. You’ve been quietly tearing those hooks free. You’re almost there. Just need to identify the last few hooks and get them gone. Then enjoy the peace and quiet while you recover, bruised and battered, but free.

that's a brilliant image.

But yes, I'm not surprised you were bursting with anger, @PithyBeaker

I'm not surprised you're full of rage.

You responded to him and his "take care ❤️" is an acknowledgement of "made you look, made you stare". He sounds really smug and satisfied that you replied.

It must be infuriating, and I'm sure you have blocked him now.

You have asserted your boundaries, again. And that shows you have taken the moral high ground. Let him be smug, let him be furious. Block and move on and isn't it brilliant that you don't have children with him, so you never have to see him again in your life.

Stay strong, and also go and punch some pillows or cushions imagining they are him. It might mean you feel better for letting out your rage.

Aha Pithy anger is good! Ok you are not out of the woods yet bc you are still thinking about him, trying to analyse his thoughts and motives… who cares what his motives are any more? He’s boring. Irrelevant. Uninteresting. He’s past tense.

So he’s found yr insta account? Boring. Block. So he’s making some more self centred pronouncements? Totally predictable . Tell us something we don’t know!
Ok I agree it might be a while before you can find his behaviour tedious rather than upsetting or enraging. But you are getting there! Anger is a better option than the awful self doubt he tried so hard to instill…
Keep being angry… or better yet, light a candle, put on some chilled sounds and get a good nights sleep. He’s blocked. Yay! Well done!

I agree anger is good. And maybe it’s a good thing he wasn’t blocked on IG because it’s given him an opportunity to show you who he really is. Kicking a woman when she’s down. He so does not deserve your tears.

No response, just block him everywhere. This is him playing victim and trying to hurt you. You left a door open and he walked through and yet again, you're miserable when you have contact with him. This is what he does. He doesn't respect your boundaries so you have to secure those yourself.

You're ground down by every contact with him. That's a sign this relationship is utterly toxic for you. You've hoped all summer he would change. He did. I think he's become emotionally abusive. He's deliberately grinding you down to get control, so you will give up and let him move back in. You've internalized his abuse as your own failings.

Instead of value and respect, he gives name calling and gaslighting and playing the victim.

No. No he fucking well hasn't. He may have stomped on them, crushed them, ground them to a fine paste, but he hasn't taken them. You're still you. A bit battered and bruised, but you're still you, complete and whole.

You responded to him and his "take care ❤️" is an acknowledgement of "made you look, made you stare". He sounds really smug and satisfied that you replied.

YES! THIS! Please just block him everywhere at every opportunity.

He didn't feign it very well in my opinion. Hard to look loving and respectful when he messaged in the first place to tell you off AGAIN, and to prove what you then told him about not respecting your wishes was true. You're not impotent, you pushed right back and spoke the truth. Glad you felt fury. It's righteous fury and it will help you see him as he really is.

Also, calling you 'selfish' for blocking him is so telling. He expected to have continued access to you to chat, use your stuff, offload, berate at will, even after splitting up. How dare you deny him service, like a post office counter that's closed early! The entitlement.

I don't know how long this will take to get better. It took much longer than I thought when I had the darkest period of my personal life. But I did get through, I found out how tough I really was - very! - and I'm calm, self confident and fulfilled now. You will get there.

Hold that fury ride it channel it move forward x

I don't know how long this will take to get better. It took much longer than I thought when I had the darkest period of my personal life

It took me longer than I thought, as well. But gradually little bursts of light/hope/relief break through and then it just gets better. I would recommend doing “stuff” though. Because then you’ll look back and recall going to that lunch, or going to a movie rather than the not wanting to go and forcing yourself through.

What a sad individual. Not only has he tried to get at you through every means possible (I bet), he's arrogant enough to give you a row for blocking him. No wonder you are angry. He's such a tool.

So he saw you blocking him as selfish, and you wanting space and peace.

Instead of allowing you that, he stomped his way in again and made sure you wouldn't have either of those things.

He is the selfish one, Pithy, as he has been all along.

A loving, caring partner wouldn't need you to have to explain their selfishness to them. And if you did have to, they would then act on it.

He didn't.

After you talked to him about things in your relationship you were unhappy with, he did - nothing. He changed nothing.
His kids still ran wild in your house, causing mess and havoc.
You paid for the cleaner to fix that. He didn't.
He still didn't go for walks with you, he gamed.
He couldn't be bothered to bring you a coffee in the mornings any more.
He called you a c**t.

Yes, it's like a bereavement. But the loss you are mourning is the loss of what might have been, if he had been a better man. A better partner.

What you had with him wasn't enough. It wasn't making you happy, in fact it was causing you (and your son) stress and sadness. That's why you posted in the first place.

Remember that.

Make sure he's blocked on everything.

And give yourself grace as you move through growing into this new phase in your life.

This is very wise advice.
You felt very upset thinking he wouldn’t contact you. Now you know that he will continue to try to contact you, but it will only be to feed his own ego- as he enjoys your caring more about him than he does about you. He enjoys keeping you dangling as an option.
Take away that power. Block on everything.
Yes it will be hard and you will grieve for much longer than a week but it will be over quicker the sooner you actually start it properly. No more dragging out the contact of this very dead relationship.

I noticed him calling you "selfish" too.

This man who moved into your home, let his kids create chaos, gamed while you did all the work, refused to even go for a walk with you, started to try to get you to have your own son less then pestered, hounded, guilt tripped, manipulated, refused to respect you, ruined coming home from holiday all this fucking time - and he calls you selfish?

HE calls YOU selfish?

@PithyBeaker one day you will look back at him, it will take some time but you will, and you will distinguish his sometimes-kind personality from his very, very selfish underlying character and his lack of any moral integrity - no one with integrity manipulates the way he has.

‘Take care’ in those circumstances is the most passive aggressive way of shutting you down.
He had already said he was done after your holiday. Changes his WhatsApp image to remove you. And he’s gone to message you again and noticed he’s blocked.
So instead of thinking ‘Pithy is done now’ he has gone to another channel to abuse you there.
He has been abusing you for months now, calling you names, using personal information about your past against you, it’s really got to stop now.
If you feel that bad that you can’t get out of bed then in a way he’s won. You may not want him but he’s made damn sure you don’t even want yourself.
Any essence of the man you loved is long gone.
You have asked how and why. The only way to get better now is to block him on any channel where he can contact you. You blocked him one thing so he went to another.
To be blunt he doesn’t want you any more. He hasn’t for a long time. What he wants is control, his ego wants to believe you are pining for him, because that’s what feeds him.
He is a twat.
Recovery is waiting for you and peace is the prize but this next step is in your hands only. Only you can do it. And that means plugging any access channel.
I hope you do. Because you are worth so much more. You do not want his poison dripping into your life. These trips with your son are being ruined by this abuse. Your DS isn’t aware but it’s happening for you.
Choose yourself, your son and your future.
It is all there waiting for you.

If anything turns up from him in the post, put it straight in the bin without opening it.

He's not going to go quietly, is he?

You've done yourself and your son a huge favour getting rid of this leech.

Except it only Feels as if he's taken bits of you. He hasn't. Those wonderful bits of you, the bits of you that can trust and love and laugh with someone are still there. It's just that they've been buried so deep that it will take some time for them to resurface. Don't give him more power over you than he really has. And don't give yourself less power than you really have. Bereavement comes over the bereaved in waves. You just have to learn how to ride those waves without drowning. We're all pretty sure you can do that.

The post. If he resorts to snail mail he’s one sad man.

Sorry but you don’t owe him contact. A normal person would take the hint being blocked on another channels.

This is bad behaviour from him. I wouldn’t acknowledge anything further. Just block the utter gobshite and be done with him. No reason to maintain any contact, x

He's the selfish, childish one.

If he wasn't, he would have taken your blocking of him to heart and recognised you were done and didn't want to hear from it anymore. Instead he went out of his way to find a work around and harass you about it.

What an arsehole ... you are well rid of this arsehole.

When going through hell don’t stop—keep going.

I’m a deliberate person but some experiences should be rushed through!Blocking, judging him, being annoyed with him should all be done quickly. Make it a new habit to see a communication from him, or hear about him, or think about him with irritation. “This arse again?” slowly at first and then more snd more easily you will put even memories of him in the bin.