Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Pithy, I wish you could see what we do.

You're a lovely woman with a lot going for you.

But when you interact with your ex, you either are pissed off or sad and end up spiraling and ruminating and depressed. Any interaction with him is toxic for you. He literally attacks your mental health yet you go back for more. You're in a cycle.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM

Let it sink in!

Dear god that's true.

How utterly awful. Pithy trusted him, and he used her most vulnerable points against her. The one and only time she felt safe enough.

How are doing today @PithyBeaker ?

And if he is as logical as Pithy says, he would know that using the confidences she shared with him to attack her mental health is in itself an untrustworthy act, among other things like cruel and vicious. Taking that further, she's being logical not to feel safe with him.

I’m not great. Feeling very antisocial and struggling as I’m having to go through the motions on a very social week for my DC sake (it’s a family fun event with camping when all I want to do is stay in bed at home). X remains blocked on Signal and now WhatsApp too. Last of his items all returned. Feel so sad. It’s really done.

I feel safe w no one now. 😔

This too shall pass.

It’s going to really hurt, but then it’s going to get better 💐

Sadness is natural: you’re grieving for the man he should have been.

You’re going to be just fine. You’ve done everything right for yourself and your son.

I know you don’t know this yet, but when you are able to anchor safety within yourself, you will discover a different side of life.
At 40 I decided to find a good therapist to help me do that. I’d come out of a terrible relationship, I was caring for two parents and had a life changing illness.
I was a mess, and I mean suicidal. Felt there was nothing left for me other than looking after my parents until they died.
The effects of the relationship were devastating.
I took time out for me and the therapy made me really look at why I was putting up with this shit.
Because I wanted to create a relationship to solve the problems of my childhood. I wanted to do over all the things that made me unsafe.
Several years later I did meet someone and that was a decade ago.
If you think there’s nobody out there @PithyBeaker I met someone when a parent was dying and I had become ill
again. I would not have called myself a catch.
Had I not made the decision to act at 40, I would still be stuck.
Life is short. At nearly 60 now I feel sad for the lost years spent on losers.
I have no family no. No parents. I don’t have kids so there’s not a family I can call upon.
But my other half’s family are great, I have fab friends. Due to my health I have lost so much physically. I dream at nights of being able to drive, or run in a beach, or fly abroad.
Not happening.
But inside I am safe. I had EMDR by the way which was rare then, not so rare now. It changed my life.
Make a decision, Pithy. You are a bright, brave and bold woman. You have your home and your beautiful son, family and friends.
If you make the decision, one day I promise there will be a man in your hallway putting on his shoes, delighted to go for a walk with you.
He will bring you a coffee in bed.
He will protect your past.
If I can do it - and the details of my fuck ups are so bad they’d make Eastenders look tame - a wonderful woman like you can.
One final piece of advice via Maya Angelou - never serve them up your pain.
When you do meet someone really build some trust before you discuss what’s hurt you. In fact when you meet that person, you will know.
I wanted to send a message of hope. At nearly 60 I am content and safe, after the first four decades of my life were chaotic and untethered.
Make that decision and start small. Go for a walk. Make yourself a coffee. I have every faith you will get there.

You are so much stronger than you think. You left for one! Many of us stay - for years and years - far longer than you, in even more dire circumstances. You left him. You should be so proud of yourself. Of course it hurts, there is still work to do. But it will be slow and it won't be linear. You will be doing great for a while then BOOM, something will hit you.

You allowed a man to dictate how you feel about yourself. Now its time to work how YOU feel about yourself. True peace is when you don't need validation, or to be 'seen' by anyone. Because you really love yourself, know who you are, know what you need, and your self-worth and self-love is so strong literally no-one and nothing can penetrate that. Its something most of us (especially those of us whove been hurt for so long) never feel or it takes a lot of effort.

Personally, in 8 years I have gone from utter self-loathing, suicidal ideation, and basically thinking I was a piece of shit to really loving, accepting and knowing who I am. Im still workign on the not needing validation bit (i have been able to not be affect by criticism, but I do still love words of affirmation) - and Im fiercely protective of my mental health. If something or someone is damaging my peace I am brutal now and will walk away. I know I have to.

Not that I think you should be even thinking about a future partner right now - I think you should have a total love affair with yourself (i know that sounds cheesy but its so needed). BUT when you are ready, and you find the right person, it won't feel hard at all. There will be no angst, you will feel great, they will enhance your life, and they would rather drink a shit smoothie than hurt you. A man who truly loves you and deserves you will make your love considerably easier and happier all the time. But by then you will be so happy by yourself, learning to enjoy your own fabulous company, that they will have to be amazing because otherwise why else would you settle? He will come - when you least 'need' him and totally unexpectedly I bet.

As you may have guessed. Im saying this to my 44 year old self (52 now) as much as Im saying it to you Pithy. You can waste this time now - as so many of us do - being sad and plodding along barely living. Or you can focus entirely on your mental health and come out of this stronger and more amazing than ever. Dont let him take anymore from you xxx

Brave, brave, so brave Pithy. And it’s heartbreaking to read your hurt and pain as you draw yourself up from this damaging relationship and start to see it clearly and truthfully.
This pain is also a reflection of your warmth, openness and generosity. You aren’t the kind of person that says “Oh well that’s that” and moves on. You care deeply, so it would be very strange if you didn’t go through this pain - tough as it is.
You've had loads of great advice on daily self care tips - and reading too. My wonderful therapist used to say “Do, do do!” In other words, keep busy, exercise, a bit of tidying up, a lovely walk, a soothing candle at night…. He told me it was important to be in green spaces every day- that was 15 years ago before it became trendy. When I was spiralling with negative thoughts he would make me get up and write them down, not lie in bed pondering. What a pain that was!
Yes you feel the pain of loss. And maybe anger at being used as a convenient provider and babysitter. And hurt that he is now presenting as the victim. But it will pass as others have said… wishing you peace and calm as you take these important early steps towards your new future. ❤️

Sending gentle hugs.

you will feel better one day.

you will see the beauty in your life and it will bring contentment.

you may meet a nice man, now that you have created space to move forward, but as pp said, it’s not a priority. I say all the time that the single best thing I ever did for myself was to be single for five years. I’d had a hideous experience and was really put off and just stopped trying to meet men. When they began to make moves to me, I could see the bollocks they were chatting- the boundaries they were pushing-
and for the first time ever I didn’t even consider accommodating what they wanted. Anyway, around the same time I met my now husband and nothing happened, then we started a really gentle relationship, and not once has he shown any of the horrible behaviours that I’d experienced before and that we see here.

the only way forward is through.

if you ever find that your talking therapy isn’t quite enough, there are body based therapy modalities now, like yoga therapy or EMDR (as pp mentioned), which can really help in CPTSD and other forms of trauma. They can work really effectively alongside the psychotherapy.

Darling. That's normal and OK.
I know it feels terrible. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Things will improve, but it will take time.
I hope you and DS have a good week.

For now, just know that you are 'sufficient within yourself'. You are all you need.

Therapy will help you learn to feel safe within yourself. Then you'll begin to feel safe with others. It takes time.

I agree about not looking for a man to make you feel safe. Sadly the type of man most interested in making a woman feel safe is also likely to enjoy controlling her and having her be dependant on him. You want to feel confidant enough within yourself that you can look for an equal relationship with a man, not a knight in shining armour.

It will feel shite for a while. It is still raw.
You are grieving and it hurts. 😔

It will take time and you will look back one day and know that your made the right decision.
Today is not that day.
Today is shite.
And that's normal and okay.

Wallow, have a wine, walk, cry, watch sad films, read a book. Whatever you need to do to cry those sad tears. 😔

Then tomorrow will be a little bit brighter.
Then the next day will be a bit brighter still, and then the next. ☀️

You will feel brighter soon. But it's okay to not be okay.

Never forget, that from the chaotic dirt of a devastating wild-fire, beautiful untamed wildflowers will be birthed and resiliently bloom and grow 💐
You are a beautiful untamed wildflower in the making.
You will see that in time 🫂
@PithyBeaker

It sounds and I think it very much is, as if you are going through a bereavement. The only thing you can do is work through it. Grief will wash over you in waves BUT it will get better.

Loss of energy and not wanting to socialise in this situation is perfectly natural. However, spending time with friends will help, although warn them that you might go to bed early. Little by little will top up your battery, but not charging it at all will leave it flat forever. Think back to your holiday and the happy bits, imagine more happy bits and force yourself if necessary to get out there.
Full disclosure I lost my partner suddenly in January and it’s taken 7 months to even think of socialising. I don’t do evenings as I’m emotionally exhausted, but I’m getting more happy moments.

Grow your happiness - it will come.

I was trying to remember how it worked before mobiles. Landlines, obviously. Letters. Someone turning up.
However, in the main it was enforced cold turkey.
I wonder sometimes if all of us (me included) are addicted to the dopamine hit of the messages as much as the sender. It sort of eases the presence of heartbreak to hear a ping. It makes it worse, in the end, but in the moment it perhaps soothes.
Old enough to remember these - I can remember one break up, some awful words said, it went on for weeks but there was nothing written down to torment me. Nobody to bring up in writing trusted personal history. It was just a slanging match until exhaustion set in.
No Facebook status changed, no WhatsApp thumbnails to alter.
It was still awful, you might bump into him in the pub, or in a club (remember them?) but there was a bit of space.

@PithyBeaker Glad to see you are staying strong. x

Just stopping in to say:

This is how you should be feeling.
You are grieving. It's just the process.
But you are moving forward, even if it doesn't feel like it.
It won't feel like this forever. I promise.
Every day from here on in will be a step in the right direction, even if some days, you feel like you're stuck.
Therapy will help, but so will spending time with your son, your friends and family, and, most importantly, with yourself. Time is all you need now.

Don't worry- someday soon, you will see everything for what it was, and clearly, and you will understand what a bullet you have dodged. And how brave you have been!

Guess what? Your friends already know this. Your family already know this. We here already know this.

Just think: you're free - You can do whatever you want with your life! It is within your control, no one else's. 😊

You are worth your life. Your life can now be worthy of you. One step at a time, Pithy. ❤

You feel so bad because you've let it drag on for months, with him grinding you down all the while. He's totally depleted you. The longer you're apart from him, the better you'll feel.

how right you are. I felt so much better after that first weekend than I do now. Been such a hard week.

How much time? DS had a magical week, I gritted my teeth and got through it for his sake. Never felt less like having conversations and being sociable. It’s the kind of thing I used to love but just now felt impossible

It does feel like a bereavement. Except along with him, he’s taken bits of me.

Hurt that he is now presenting as the victim.

fury, actually. He messaged me on Insta where I (foolishly) hadn’t blocked him to berate me for blocking (“selfish” “childish” “could have just asked him for space and peace if that was what I needed”) and I said “why would I do that when you’ve never respected my requests” and he just said “take care ❤️” and I feel impotent w rage. Like how dare he feign lofty, loving, respectful now