Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

He’s not like this. He isn’t violent.

I’m trying. It’s so hard and lonely and sad though.

I feel sad that Pithy is somehow blaming herself for upsetting him?
After a holiday this man couldn’t wait 24 hours to see someone he’s actually no longer with?
There is a sense here that OP is so sad that she needs now to defend this guy and feels he’s the one who has ended things now.
Men like this usually return. Right now OP is being punished with the words, photo change and silence.
And when she gets lower he will be back and could easily take him back.
I did. And was then punished for being wrong, the whole thing dragged on for a year and the next ending was worse than the first.
These things need to end or they never end well.

He kept saying he needs somewhere bigger w a garden. I don’t know if he is or was actually seriously looking. I expect he will be now.

You're doing his work for him here Pithy. He said something hurtful because he wanted to hurt you, and he succeeded. I can understand why he saw it this way, though I think it's selfish of him. I don't know why you're determined to see him in the best possible light in relation to this. Trust your first instinct and stop punishing yourself.

Because I can’t trust my instincts. It’s scary. My gut must be so wrong. Because of what happened to me, I can’t see what’s there and I see what’s not there. I can’t tell what’s true and what’s not. I can’t tell if I’m the one in the wrong or not. I can’t tell if it’s true that I’m just so deeply damaged that I drove away the first and only man I ever felt safe enough to remember my childhood with. Because I’m too paranoid and distrustful because of what happened.

My instinct is and has always been;: you are not safe. Trust no one but yourself. No one really cares about you but you. I’m just doing the same thing, retreating to that and pushing him away. Or not, and he was manipulative and I missed it because I loved him. I literally can’t trust my judgment on it at all. I have no idea. So I end up believing his version that I’m just fleeing back to solitude bc it’s my default safe mode and I’m not trying to rebuild trust in him even though he’s willing. Was willing. Now gone.

Ahhh yes, I didn't mean the violent bit at the end. I meant the bit where he justifies hurting ur mental health because you rejected him. So it's justified behaviour in his eyes. My husband does this im sure. He deliberately hurts me (emotionally, not physically) and I'm sure he genuinely believes he's doing it because I deserve it. He has told me he shouts at me because I deserve it. It's justified in his eyes.

Pithy if you were my friend my head would be in my hands right now, as in I would be devastated to hear such a bright, loving, intelligent, giving person do this to herself.
You have people you love and trust - your sister and your friends.
Fleeing to solitude is just that. It is not living a wonderful life in a home you love with a son you adore.
He is willing? To do what? He’s had you in this headlock for 5 months now and proven nothing.
He called you a cunt. A man who adores and cares for a woman who has gone through trauma does not do that. He cherishes her.
I know age gaps don’t always matter and he maybe about 32, but he sounds 22.
Please, please stop doing this to yourself. It can make you ill all this self blame.
You need to accept it is over and that he was the white knight. He wasn’t. He was an immature man who you moved in with quickly and now you need proper time to heal from this away from him.

You have many readers here, Pithy, telling you that your response is more than warranted by his actions (and then some). Surely the vast majority of these readers cannot be projecting similar childhood traumas?!

I think you've been very fair to him (to a fault). For what it's worth, I don't think it matters whether he's manipulating you consciously or unconsciously. You enjoy your life less when he's in it. You're still pining for the man you thought he was, not the one he is. Your son is happier (and his inheritance safer) without a cuckoo in the nest. Stay strong!

He wasn't all bad. That's why you fell in love with him, because he could be kind and loving.

But then he stopped engaging.

Maybe he stopped trying.

What was left was not enough for you.

You tried talking to him about it, but he didn't 'hear' you.
Or didn't care enough to change

You were not happy.

You ended the relationship.

Not because YOU 'pushed him away'.

But because HE moved away from you.

And didn't care enough to come back.

Sending you a hug, Pithy. This too shall pass.

Because I can’t trust my instincts.

You can though.

You knew things weren't right.

You tried to rectify them by him moving out & still seeing each other.

A reasonable suggestion.

He said no.

That's it.

There's nothing more to be done.

Unfortunately he is trying to wheedle his way back in & blaming you for the break up.

But he didn't accept your suggestion because he wants it all his way.

If he trul cared he would rather have seen you on your terms than not at all.

You need to go back to your very first OP on this thread, it'll remind you that he pretty much stop engaging with you, got to settled, looked upon you as a comfy pair of slippers, so to speak, and his DC were disrespectful to you.

Those are all things that he himself had to change not you, but he chose not to as he thought he had his feet under the table, you stood up for yourself, found your voice and now he must face the consequences of his choices.

He was an immature man who you moved in with quickly and now you need proper time to heal from this away from him.

you are spot on. I know.

You don't have to trust your judgment.

You can detach from the situation and look at his behaviour as a list of facts.

Then you can ask yourself,
Is this the behaviour of a man who genuinely cares about his partner?
Is this the behaviour of a man who sees his partner as an equal, with views, opinions and boundaries?
Is this the behaviour of a man who respects his partner's boundaries, views and opinions?
Is this the behaviour of a man who cares about his partner's home, and her son?

I could go on.

Because if you look at his actual behaviour as objective behaviour, would you advise a friend, or colleague to be in a relationship with him?

I also want you to look at the types of words he uses:
If you loved me, you would do/say this...
If you weren't so deeply damaged, you would do/say this...

These types of words are accusing you of bad behaviour and then telling you that if you only changed you would do what he wants. This is manipulating.
They reply only one response, If you loved me, you would give me space, discipline your kids, pay for the cleaner, not ask me for the keys to my house while I was on holiday.

These questions don't need you to respond as you in this relationship, but to respond as if this was happening to your friend or colleague.

I know this is hard and you are grieving for the lost relationship, and also for the man you thought he was. This is normal and sometimes you just have to sit in the grief and wait for it to pass. Sending love.

Pithy, have you actually blocked him now? While you maintain any semblance of contact or involvement (like being able to see his profile photo), you cannot heal. All you are doing is picking at a scab, and when it starts to dry, contact occurs, and you pick again.

I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Charlie Says (I would not recommend watching it now, but there's a clip on YouTube called Winged Elves where the grad students is trying desperately to help these women trust their own voices and let go of a narrative the dangerous man taught them. The clip reminds me of you and it pains me to read your posts.

I really think you would benefit from the freedom programme and consider with a professional why you continue to do yourself a disservice by self-sabotaging. You have a right to be happy, peaceful and content.

I have a new therapist who is fantastic and I am speaking to her tomorrow. I don’t need to block him, I wish to remain amicable and blocking feels like I’m trying to score points and prove I don’t care about him. The message I prefer is: I don’t care enough to block you, if you see what I mean... ? He isn’t contacting me anyway. It’s done. And I’m ok. Was feeling horrific an hour ago but just did some weights and got in the river and now feel better. Sleep time.

Sitting in the grief, and the river... As I sat out there it started to rain. After the driest month on record, it felt like a cathartic opening of the skies. I’ll be ok. Tomorrow another day, etc

I fully understand you wanting to do this and appear aloof, but by trying to remain amicable, you are still following this narrative of trying to not look like the 'bad guy'. This might be something to explore with your new therapist later down the line. It isn't a crime to break up with someone. You had perfectly legitimate reasons to do so, but it wouldn't have mattered if you broke up simply because you didn't like a new haircut.

My worry in him remaining unblocked is that it is of no benefit to you, and has risks. He posts a new profile pic of him and another woman, or he sends you a "Just to let you know, I've set a date for the wedding with Ms Marvellous who has a 10 bedroom house, we go on long walks and she gets a cup of tea each day... Anyway, hope you're good!"

Is this decision really there to help you heal, or keeps the tiniest crack of hope there?

:So I end up believing his version that I’m just fleeing back to solitude bc it’s my default safe mode and I’m not trying to rebuild trust in him even though he’s willing"

He shouldn't have broken your trust in the first place then? Lots of relationships end when trust is broken. It's normal. No-one has the right to make their partner rebuild trust, through guilt tripping them. Honestly, why would you risk it, knowing what you know, how he treated you, your son and your home. He only wants you if you provide a big house (for his kids to abuse) and do all the wifework, he was always going to cut you off if you stood firm about living separately.
You feel so bad because you've let it drag on for months, with him grinding you down all the while. He's totally depleted you. The longer you're apart from him, the better you'll feel.

It's not an either-or situation. He may have been the best partner you ever had. He may have been the only one you ever felt comfortable opening up to. But he was also the one who took you for granted in the end, who stopped showing care, love and appreciation in a way you wanted and needed.
There are many great and amazing relationships that don't last forever because they stopped being great and amazing. There doesn't have to be a villain in the story. You are not too damaged. You are allowed to have healthy expectations on how you want to be treated. There are other good guys out there but even with good guys a relationship may not last till death do you part and that's ok. He may be done now and that realisation hurts right now and it's ok to grief. It will get better. As breakups go, I think this one was fine and with enough distance you will be able to smile at each other if you walk past each other in the street. You'll be in a different headspace in a few months.

@PithyBeaker

Which is better, trying to prove something to him, or trying to prove something to yourself. Blocking him doesn't prove anything to him, he won't know he's blocked because he isn't contacting you. But blocking him will prove something to you, that you are stronger than you know and that you're determined to move ahead and away from a relationship that was and is damaging to you. So, block him. He has closed his door. Now close yours. Because you allowing yourself to let yours remain open, even just a tiny bit, is keeping you from learning and seeing clearly all those things about yourself that worry you. Therapy will help immensely, but you must go into therapy doing everything you can do to 'clear the way' to healing and truly being free to be who you are; a loving and caring mum, a cherished sister and friend, and a woman who knows herself and will recognize the right kind of love when it comes her way.

And as far as why he did something, either to cause pain or to manipulate you, does it really matter why? The fact is that he was ruining your life and taking your peace and happiness. He was affecting your son's wellbeing. His children were wrecking your home and he not only allowed it and expected you to clean up after them, he thought you should be thankful at having his children grace your home! So no, it doesn't matter why. All that matters is that you have your home back and you and your son have peace in your lives.

I think you just did an experiment that showed you how to feel better. Weights and the river - lush.

There is a lot of happiness and clarity inside movement, especially when combined with somewhere as beautiful as a river.

I also can’t help wondering if not blocking him is because you’re hoping he will contact you again. You don’t really want it to be over.

As Rachelshair said “he was always going to cut you off if you stood firm about living separately.”

And he never really entertained the idea of trying to have a relationship where you both lived in separate houses. What would have been the problem with that?

In the end, you wanted different things. That was that. Nobody had to be the bad guy. But he couldn’t accept that without trying to place blame on you, and your past trauma. And that really was awful of him.

Have you spoken to your son's father about them spending more time together? Or your son moving in permanently with his father? Because that's what your ex boyfriend wants.