Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

He finally realised that he can't break you down and get what he wants.

You have been so strong OP.

This will pass ❤️

He offered to pick you up because there was something in it for him. He wanted to seem to be doing something nice because it would benefit him.

That's why he was so angry when you declined. You declined something that he had planned to work in his favour to benefit him.

It's all about him and what he wants, not about you.

I mean think about it, who gets so furious when their offer of a lift is declined? It's laughable how transparent he is really.

Oh, and changing his profile picture? That's just another manipulation tactic. It shows that he is still focusing on you and trying to draw you back in. It's the nasty nice cycle. Classic moves.

Think of these actions as hooks. He will try lots of different ways to hook you back in - making you doubt yourself, making you feel sorry for him, making you believe he's changed, etc. It's all hooks.

You have made all the right decisions OP, there is nothing wrong with your instincts, you are spot on and his behaviour is proving that every day. Stay strong, he is not done yet so you need to be wary of his next tactic but for now, you're ok, you're doing great in fact.

I’m so pleased that you are seeing him in the book. I know you were shocked by people’s immediate leap to ‘know’ he was abusive. They’ve seen it again and again, and recognise it.
Now you do, too.

Well, he would say it’s because he missed me so much and was so hurt when I refused bc it meant I don’t love him as much as he does me.

And he's lying.

Yeah, although there is still a part of me struggling to believe he could have been so intentionally malicious and manipulative. It’s just so hard to reconcile with the kind, patient, gentle man he was sometimes… 😔

Sorry @PithyBeaker but remember someone pointing out that you frequently defend him with 'he would say..' statements. You're doing it again.

Can I remind you of @pikkumyy77 's wise words on this:
Always take your own side in a fight! There is no point bending over backwards to see things from the enemy’s point of view and for the enemy’s benefit. No one else can live your life for you and you should’nt waste a minute more of your precious life entertaining his shitty opinions of you.

Stop taking his side against yourself! He doesn't do it for you.

Just read back ‘he would say’ and think again.
What he ‘says’ isn’t what matters now.
What matters is what his actions have shown over a prolonged period of time.
Pithy, I’m so sorry you sound so down. But you were happy on holiday.
Him and what he ‘says’ has hurt you again…. that’s not love.

So when he felt 'hurt' by your reaction, that justified his nasty retaliation that left you spiraling.

He is a bad un.

He could have been hurt and said , ok why don't I take you for dinner and you can tell me about it your holiday or something, you know ...normal / nice.

Nice people don't behave like that.

And yet, he made you deeply unhappy. As he would anyone, with his behaviour.

And don't forget he was trying to get you to have your son in your own home less often.

This is absolutely unforgiveable.

There's an old phrase "you know someone by the effect they have on the people around them". He doesn't make you happy, he drags you down. You were so happy on holiday and within a very short time of being home, you're unhappy, torn apart and blaming yourself again.

Look at the effect he has on you, lovely.

This is the biggest hurdle for most people. If they were never nice, they would never get anyone under their “spell” (control). They have to be nice sometimes to get away with being shit so much.

What a load of manipulative twaddle!

"You don't love me because you don't do as I want/say"

People would be disappointed/upset, not angry.

I think that while you were away he probably built up an expectation that you would miss him, he would pick you up to bring you home, you would have realised that the holiday would have been more fun with him and his kids and he could start planning to move back in with you. You didn't so he lashed out

I was just coming on ti say the same as @WallaceinAnderland, he even now is playing games , changing his profile picture is deliberate & spiteful & meant to upset you.

I don’t know that he would understand that he was doing it deliberately either. More that he is so focussed on what he wants/needs that he can’t understand why anyone would do anything different.
People who love him are supposed to do what he wants. That’s what loving him means. It’s like a toddler pinching mummy’s face. It’s not actually thought through, just an impulse that feels appropriate to the situation.

He doesn’t feel that loving you means he has to do whatever you want, mind. Just that you loving him works that way. It’s possible he even believes that if you loved him the way he deserves to be loved- always said yes and did what he wants- then he’d respond in the same way. Which might reflect the good times you remember. But inevitably there would be times you said no, or not yet, or not quite, so he’d punish you by withdrawing the warmth so you’d understand how sad he was.

That would be his perspective, I imagine. How he sees himself as the good guy.

Two warnings- don’t let yourself think you could go again and do better. Like a child, he’ll keep pushing until you have to say no, then he’ll punish you. And don’t let yourself think you can explain it to him and he’ll change. He won’t. He can’t. He’s had plenty of time to grow out of the toddler phase. It won’t happen now.

TBH Pithy I think most people have the ability to be kind, patient and show their gentle side...as in woman can to, until something doesn't go their way then they momentarily drop the mask.

This

This is worth reading twice!

@PithyBeaker 'Sometimes' he was kind, patient, and gentle.

But I remember the man who ignored you, who would rather play his video game than go for a walk with you, or go to bed at the same time as you.

I remember the man who stopped bringing you a cup of coffee in the morning.

I remember the man who sat by whilst his children trashed your lovely home, then let you pay for a cleaner to clean up after them.

I remember the man who queried why your DS didn't spend more time at his dad's.

I remember that you talked about all of this with him, more than once, and he couldn't be bothered to change.

It's not easy to break up with someone who could be lovely 'sometimes' but you thought everything through and decided it was best for you and your DS.

Hang in there...

💪💐💪

If that was true, he would have accepted no for an answer. He would have understood you were tired from travelling and not the time or place. People have rights to set their boundaries and limits and he doesn't respect yours at all. He stomps them every chance he gets.

Instead he stomped your boundary that you set. This guy thought tired from traveling meant vulnerable and he could get to you one way or another. He had a tantrum when you said no and held your boundary. That's manipulation.

He was willing to get into relationship matters in front of your son. That's a no go. He couldn't give you some time to get yourselves squared away and cleaned up and rested from traveling.

He can be nice and gentle. How much of that has he shown you since even before you broke up? He can also be mean and manipulative and entitled and lazy and deeply disrespectful and when he doesn't get his way, he cannot be trusted. He's toxic for you.

Has he been actively looking at bigger places for he and his kids?

He did. He said ok, can I come over later and see you anyway and I said no, I’m tired and going to mates the next day. That’s when he said right, ok, well, you obv don’t love me or have missed me at all so what’s the point

He wasn’t angry. He was disappointed and upset.

I actually don’t think so. He won’t have done it to hurt me. I know what he’s like. He’s mega logical. He’ll have just closed the box in his head that was me and our relationship finally and gone, done, photo change, next.

Oh Pithy we all think he is playing on your emotions and spinning you around so it is always your fault.
It
Is
Not
You
Please try and trust us, keep the boundaries you are instinctively fighting for and hang in there.
The sadness is valid and real but it will pass
You are amazing