Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

That must have been awful to hear from your DS. But at the same time, at least you had that objective voice to listen to.

I do agree with what everyone is saying, it’s only after the distance that you see it with any clarity.

The “what if?” Voice is so loud. I heard it for literally years with my dd’s dad. But frankly, they don’t see it that way. They’re not going to have a realisation, because (a) they’re not thinking about it like you are, they see nothing wrong with their behaviour, they just see that you have stopped meeting a need they have, so they want YOU to come back around to their way of thinking, and (b) they think they can find a replacement (or, as in my ex’s case, they already have the replacement lined up and champing at the bit).

I read a lot of pieces on Baggage Reclaim back then, @PithyBeaker , and I found her stuff SO useful and enlightening. I would really recommend it and then, if you can, going no contact because it will undoubtedly help you to move on.

I'm actually speechless.

You're not in love with him, OP, and he's not in love with you.

He's in love with the idea of a woman who will sort his life out for him at her expense.

You're in love with a version of him that does not take the piss.

You're both delusional.

Not being judgemental here... I say this as someone who has been there, done that. More than once!!!!!

Everything good comes through hardwork.

Just a thought - given it is only you and DS, does it make financial sense for you to remain in a 4 bed house? Obviously I’d never say spend a fortune and suffer upheaval just to make a point. However if it would make sense for your long term finances to downsize to a 2 bed, why not consider it sooner rather than later?

OP has said long ago (maybe not on this thread) that she bought the house she wanted. Her ex-P (if that’s what he is) wanted them to buy together but he didn’t have enough to contribute so she bought the place she wanted and it was hers. Lucky she did because when their living arrangements weren’t working for her she was able to insist that he and his children left. She doesn’t want to move and can afford the place by herself. He earned more than her (somewhere around 100k if I remember rightly) and apparently couldn’t afford anything more than a flat for them all to live in 🤔

How are you today OP? I know from your past threads, and from being in this position myself that I think you want/need to hear all this negative stuff that you need to go NC, that hes abusive, that you can do better etc etc - but that it also deeply troubles you. I dont want to speak for you, but I think you've shared that before. For me, I remember wanting and needing to hear that stuff, but then also feeling defensive for him, thinking 'oh hes not that bad, im not that pathetic'. I know in your case its not physical, but in mine even when we went to court because of the abuse, to my utter shame prior to the hearing we were put in a room and spoken to by support workers for abuse victims. I was mortified, i looked around the room, and to my shame I said to the worker, 'im not like these other women, im not an abuse victim, im a professional, intelligent woman'. I thought i was better than them, and it really wasnt THAT bad. It was, but I couldn't see that at the time.

The same with the other areas of abuse, my gut knew he was abusing me, but then when people were validating that I got wildly defensive - i think of myself as much as him. I wouldn't put up with that surely! I was a bright woman from a good family - not me!

I dont know whether any of this is helpful whatsoever, or if Im just projecting, and maybe you don't feel that way at all, but I couldnt help but wonder if you were hurting and struggling right now hearing all the negativity being thrown at your ex (quite rightly of course - people are really trying to help). I just hope you are ok because I know how much it can hurt. xx

Yes we both earn six figs, him slightly more than me now. (I used to earn more than him but switched to a lower-earning but more chilled job last year.) No idea why he can’t afford more than the flat. Combination of paying his ex too much and paying off a credit card, he says. Anyway. I have zero interest in selling my house (and garden, more importantly). I love the village, DC is settled, adore my outside space and peaceful surroundings and I can afford it on my own. Don’t see why on earth I would try to move or how that would solve any issues w exP. In other news: almost in Paris, holidays here we come (and no, it’s nowhere near the fires before anyone asks). 😎 Phone off, love you all and thank you ❤️ I feel most loved and valued on Mumsnet (which is lovely and sad in equal measures) x

And goodness me, this is a lovely message. I’m feeling great today because I’m away now. It is, I find, too easy to say that: it’s not THAT bad, he’s not THAT manipulative, surely he’s not doing it intentionally bc I would be smarter than that… but…

I hear you completely Pithy. Anyway, switch off and have an amazing time. Im very jealous. xx

You are much loved here. You are strong, intelligent, caring and deserve a lovely holiday. Enjoy!

Whee! Paris!! Sorbet at Berthillon!

I read your thread every day @PithyBeaker

You're doing just fine IMO. All your reactions to what has happened to you are entirely reasonable. You can't just stop loving someone by turning off a switch.

I think you'll get to a point where this man doesn't mean as much to you as he still does, but you haven't quite got there yet. Don't worry. Time will help. You can't hurry things like this.

You'll block him when you're ready to do so. In the meantime, enjoy your holiday and try to stay positive. You've been through a huge ordeal.

Wow. I’m stunned that he expected to be able to use your home while you’re away. Totally agree with others that this speaks volumes about his mindset and total lack of respect for you and your son. He then went straight in with emotional blackmail/manipulation when you said no. Talk about show you who he is (again).

But the other thing that jumped out from this is why he knew you were going away. It’s so none of his business. He’s not your friend. Stop giving him information about your life. This will be really easy when you’re not having phone calls.

So glad you’ve blocked him and are having a great time.

Can you imagine, him bringing over the rabid children & coming home to plates all over the kitchen tops, trash smelling, kids having been in all your beds etc.
How can he really ask to use your house when you are on holiday? You have said over & over that you do not want to live with his kids, he just keeps ignoring it. for this alone I would have to cut him off terminally.
He just thinks he will get what he wants, he doesn't give an iota that its his behaviour & his lack of parenting that created his being asked to leave.
Not once has he looked within, its just lip service.

Hi everyone, home after a lovely almost two weeks away and back to reality. Just thought you’d all be happy to hear that today a final line was drawn. He offered to come get us from the station and I realised that I would rather pay 30 quid for a taxi and have a peaceful night on my own. Even after not seeing him for this long and even after a long hot day of travel. The thought of having to have any kind of conversation about our relationship felt too exhausting to bear. So then he was like well, im not trying to fix anything anymore, its obvious you don’t give a shit and haven’t missed me. He really has me convinced that this is all my fault, I’m way too fucked up to be in a relationship, he’s a good man, has done everything he possibly could to convince me in all the love languages blablabla. He’s like, well, I’ve tried. Actually, I think he has just realised that he is never going to get what he wants again from me and is cutting his losses. Feel so devastated. I know what you’re all going to say but still. Five years, good times, etc. We had good years. I must remember how it felt when he called me a cunt. I’m so lost and sad. Feel so inexpressibly lonely and really feel this was my last chance and I fucked it up bc I’m so distrustful and paranoid that men aren’t to be trusted and if only I had tried harder, etc. I had such a lovely time away and now home and feel miserable. Ffs.

Ohhh he’s still trying it on, getting into your space. Negging was the word in the 90’s. You are stronger than him.

That man has done a job on you, hasn't he? Nobody can tell you not to feel how you feel, but maybe if you re-visit the early days of the first thread you can recapture the desperation you felt then to change things, and remember how wrong the situation was for you. I'm sure it will have been mentioned before, but looking at things through the lens of F.O.G may help too.
I think you are mourning what you feel you could have had, not what you actually had, and that's on him, not you.

Well done for that realisation @PithyBeaker . Don't doubt yourself now. Trust your instinct and first response that was: no, it isn't a free ride, I'll be paying for it because it's you taking the opportunity to pressure me again.

He hasn't done everything he could. He did things he was prepared to, with the goal of getting the set up he wanted. He wasn't prepared to do what you wanted and needed.

Think back to your holiday. You've had peace and happiness. You can have that again.

You are punishing yourself because deep down you feel you deserve to be used and abused and have your lovely house trashed.

This is also why you keep in contact with him, against all the advice here.

Just remember - you didnt want to see him. After two weeks! You'd rather get a taxi. The spell is broken. You now just feel guilty, and some weird trauma bond likely (ask me how I know) - BUT you didnt WANT to see him. Thats huge. Massive. You are well on the road now. In a few months you won't even think about him. The real healing starts now. I know you feel terrible, but truly this is great news.

So he thought you'd miss him whilst you were away and come running back into his arms and his feet would be back under the table before you could blink...

You haven't failed or f*cked up - you have done exactly the opposite. Maybe now he will leave you alone and you get to decide what happens next for a change ..

You have been so strong - don't fall at the last hurdle...

He doesn’t make you happy though. Every interaction you have mentioned on these threads has him portraying himself as Mr Wonderful and you as the stupid woman who doesn’t appreciate his greatness. Even though he treats you appallingly, seems to spend most of his spare time gaming in a room on his own, lets his children trash your house and can’t manage his money. You never seem to have an interaction with him where he tries to make you feel good, tells you how much he misses you and just tells you what he is doing without trying to mske you feel bad in some way.
He really is awful and narcissistic. He had zero insight into his self centredness.

Your mistake was still talking to him so he knew when you were coming back. It really is time to let him go and stop telling him what you are doing