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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

491 replies

PithyBeaker · 18/05/2026 13:25

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

OP posts:
Anonomoso · 31/07/2026 17:17

From your latest update re keys I'm not actually certain if he's aware or ready to accept that he and his DC had any blame in them having to move out.

He seems to think that you've made a mistake and soon will have that "oh no, silly me" thing people have when they've thrown out one of their belongings by mistake.

Rachelshair · 31/07/2026 17:17

PithyBeaker · 31/07/2026 16:53

Already asked for keys. I said hell no.

OMG he didn't did he?! That's outrageous!

Tooupset · 31/07/2026 17:20

Oh Pithy! Sending love
Glad you’re moving on. In your own time, and in your own way, but moving on.
i wish you well

cowasballerina · 31/07/2026 17:31

He actually asked for the keys? He's absolutely desperate for the house. Not Pithy. The house.

Bonkers1966 · 31/07/2026 17:32

Always remember that love is a verb. It's all words at the moment. His specialty.

FlowerUser · 31/07/2026 17:33

I am so pleased you said no. Brilliant on your part. Keep holding onto your success in resisting him.

But fundamentally, he doesn’t love you. He loves your house.

If you were in a two bedroom flat with you and your son he would be long gone.

FlowerUser · 31/07/2026 17:35

Block him on holiday and forget to unblock him when you get back.

Though you might find a string of messages that in their entirety show his true personality much better than as a drip feed of messages.

I wouldn’t put it past him to try and stay in your house without your permission. He might even get a locksmith to let him in and show past bills indicating he has the right to live there.

I can’t remember if you have a camera doorbell, but if you do and you see that he tries to come round, that shows you that he doesn’t respect your boundaries.

I’m so sorry that you are still having to lobe through this.

cowasballerina · 31/07/2026 17:46

He didn't actually need to know you were going away, either. As a pp said, you are still in a relationship with him.

Even him blatantly asking for the keys hasn't stopped you waiting for him to have an epiphany.

At this point, it's verging on obsession for both of you, but for very different things.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 31/07/2026 17:47

PithyBeaker · 31/07/2026 16:53

Already asked for keys. I said hell no.

Dear god. He doesn't change does he?

RandomMess · 31/07/2026 18:02

I can’t believe he asks to stay in your house whilst you are away 😳

He doesn’t think it’s over, he really does see this as a temporary glitch before he and his DC move back in.

ThisJadeBear · 31/07/2026 18:02

cowasballerina · 31/07/2026 17:46

He didn't actually need to know you were going away, either. As a pp said, you are still in a relationship with him.

Even him blatantly asking for the keys hasn't stopped you waiting for him to have an epiphany.

At this point, it's verging on obsession for both of you, but for very different things.

Yep. I’m not sure what OP is supposed to do better/be better at.
It is so frustrating that this woman, or any woman, hangs on like this. If he wants your keys while you are on holiday he doesn’t give a toss and hasn’t changed. And the happy times of just fantasy.
I wish OP well on her holiday and in her future.

diddl · 31/07/2026 18:03

He treats you too badly to love you I think.

You are on going on holiday & the first thing he thinks is "ooh, chance to live in house".

The fact that he would ask shows how little he thinks of you.

WonderingAndOverthinking · 31/07/2026 18:13

He is still abusing you as much as he was before. You are now complicit in this abuse, you are literally letting him do it to you.

The fact that you are debating with yourself whether he can change and show you he loves you at the same time that he is asking for your keys and then kicking off when you refuse is absolutely mind boggling.

He IS showing you the kind of man he is, but you are not listening.

NoelFieldingsLeftSock · 31/07/2026 18:18

So no "Oh, we're going to miss you" just, great we can get back in the house... What a Prince ...

outerspacepotato · 31/07/2026 18:29

PithyBeaker · 31/07/2026 16:53

Already asked for keys. I said hell no.

That man has got nerve and like I said, he's got an eye for his main chance and he will take it. He feels entitled to what you have and your boundaries mean nothing to him. He's a shameless parasite.

Send him an email and a text that he has no right of entry to your home and he's not allowed there at all. I hope you have doorbell and security cams. And then you should block him everywhere. Ask your neighbours if they'll keep an eye out and if they see his car, call the police, he is not supposed to be there.

Pithy, he's not going to leave his kids out for you. He wants what you have for himself and them. That's why he won't see you unless you agree he and they can move back in. He doesn't care about your welfare and all your pining for him won't change him. That's magical thinking.

Him asking for your keys shows it's time to cut the cord. Him getting mad and trying to guilt trip you over you saying no to such an unreasonable ask, this shows what his goal is and it's sure not showing any care and concern for you and your son. Those happy times are long gone. You can't live there. You need to look at right now, today.

He's trying to move in again and he sees your holiday as a chance to get his feet under your table again. He's greedy and manipulative.

Keep him away from your son. He's not good for him.

inickedthisname · 31/07/2026 18:32

I actually can’t believe what I’m reading.

seanconneryseyebrow · 31/07/2026 18:34

PithyBeaker · 31/07/2026 17:01

Why? Because the idea that what if I shut the door and he really does love me and really does want to change and we could have got back the happy times if only I tried a bit more, explained a bit more, then maybe he will eventually accept living separately without insisting he needs more, etc etc etc is torment. I know it’s objectively stupid. But it’s so easy to say that looking in.

Oh darling. You are me 8 years ago. Except what I was holding onto was I wanted him to agree to therapy but us living apart. I thought he would care so much he would do that and we would eventually find a way back to each other. But the reality was he didn't care enough. I realised if I went back it would be even worse, not better, because he then held all the cards. Because I left with an ultimatum and hadn't stuck to it. Slightly different but the concept is the same. You want to live separately but be a couple. I think that is all you want from him right? But he won't go backwards (I can understand that tbh). I dont think most couples can go from living together for years, then not. Or being married then getting divorced and then dating. I mean it happens, but I think it rarely works - and usually when it does its years after the initial split. My cousin actually remarried her husband after 10 years apart only recently!

Have you actually told him that all you want is to be together but live apart? Does he know this? Maybe it is ultimatum time for you both. Decide once and for all - are we going to try and be a couple who is living in separate homes or are we over forever? And if its the latter then agree to 6 months apart at LEAST before you can be friends (you prob wont want to be by then but at least it will feel less final for you in the moment).

Just my two penneth, but what do I know! My lovelife was a shit show for years.

Daisymail · 31/07/2026 18:38

WonderingAndOverthinking · 31/07/2026 11:53

Kindly, all the work you are doing/will be doing with therapy is being undone every time you have contact with him. You are wasting time, energy and money.

It’s hard, but not impossible. You have done harder things in the past. There is absolutely no reason for you to be talking to him anymore, you are just hurting yourself every time you do it.

This.

Daisymail · 31/07/2026 18:40

PithyBeaker · 31/07/2026 16:53

Already asked for keys. I said hell no.

WTF!!!!!!

outerspacepotato · 31/07/2026 18:42

The problem with him agreeing to live apart while keeping their relationship gives him even more opportunity to pull shit like this latest stunt asking her for her keys while she's gone. He's a cuckoo. He'd be guilt tripping her constantly like he is right now.

He's not trustworthy.

He doesn't respect her boundaries.

He feels entitled to use of her property and things and argue when she doesn't say yes.

They're broken up and he has the nerve to try to access her home while she's gone. Imagine what he'll do if she's actually dating him. She'll finally be afraid to say no because she wants the guy and he'll threaten to break up.

It's time to figure out whether she wants her peace or this guy and the shit show that he comes with and then what's her son supposed to do?

cowasballerina · 31/07/2026 18:43

Why? Because the idea that what if I shut the door and he really does love me and really does want to change and we could have got back the happy times if only I tried a bit more, explained a bit more,

The words and thoughts of abused women everywhere.

PithyBeaker · 31/07/2026 18:44

RandomMess · 31/07/2026 18:02

I can’t believe he asks to stay in your house whilst you are away 😳

He doesn’t think it’s over, he really does see this as a temporary glitch before he and his DC move back in.

He didn’t ask to stay. He needs to swap cars at my house (long story: insurance gave him a rental bc someone crashed into him and his car getting fixed, my address still on his licence) and he wanted to wait inside rather than sit in the driveway. He would not have asked to stay, that would have been bonkers.

OP posts:
diddl · 31/07/2026 18:46

It's bonkers that he wants to sit in his exes house!

inickedthisname · 31/07/2026 18:47

diddl · 31/07/2026 18:46

It's bonkers that he wants to sit in his exes house!

You couldn’t pay me enough

PithyBeaker · 31/07/2026 18:47

seanconneryseyebrow · 31/07/2026 18:34

Oh darling. You are me 8 years ago. Except what I was holding onto was I wanted him to agree to therapy but us living apart. I thought he would care so much he would do that and we would eventually find a way back to each other. But the reality was he didn't care enough. I realised if I went back it would be even worse, not better, because he then held all the cards. Because I left with an ultimatum and hadn't stuck to it. Slightly different but the concept is the same. You want to live separately but be a couple. I think that is all you want from him right? But he won't go backwards (I can understand that tbh). I dont think most couples can go from living together for years, then not. Or being married then getting divorced and then dating. I mean it happens, but I think it rarely works - and usually when it does its years after the initial split. My cousin actually remarried her husband after 10 years apart only recently!

Have you actually told him that all you want is to be together but live apart? Does he know this? Maybe it is ultimatum time for you both. Decide once and for all - are we going to try and be a couple who is living in separate homes or are we over forever? And if its the latter then agree to 6 months apart at LEAST before you can be friends (you prob wont want to be by then but at least it will feel less final for you in the moment).

Just my two penneth, but what do I know! My lovelife was a shit show for years.

Thank you. This was a really helpful comment. How did you eventually realise this: “ I realised if I went back it would be even worse, not better”

OP posts: