Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Insists he wants to “build a life together where we share everything and that means under the same roof”. Also someone above posted this: “Does he insist that he misses you terribly, will change but only get back with you if he and his kids move back in?” Yes, he says he is willing to get back together and not live together - but the long term goal must be living together. Someone else above likened him to a patient spider. I think this is correct. I’m so tired. Please everyone stop telling me go NC, it’s not like I haven’t done it for lack of being told. I know I should but it is hard. I’m trying. Holiday tomorrow.

also apologies to everyone I haven’t replied directly to, got to work and pack today so trying to focus! Thank you all for the support on tap when I need it. Very grateful.

Insists he wants to “build a life together where we share everything and that means under the same roof”.

So - it’s love, adoration, worship of you - but only if you do what he wants?

I don’t have to tell you how many different forms functional relationships can take - living together, living together on non-kid weekends, not living together until kids are adults, never living together… sensible adults balance the needs of their separate families, even if that means some delayed adult gratification.

Looking objectively, it seems that he ONLY wants the option that affords him more space and your resources (space, money, time).

maybe don’t channel your inner rage and/or sense of injustice. Channel your inner need for peace and quiet. He is exhausting. And you do know, if you ignore him for a bit you get a break from hearing about what he wants.

Remember that the life of 'sharing everything' won't include sharing the clearing up after his kids or managing their behaviour. That's a treat just for you!

Have a good holiday OP and make it quality time for you and your son. Holidays are to get away from the grind and background nonsense in life and that includes you know who. There's nothing wrong with not taking calls because you're on holiday and enjoying the peace. 🤫

I wouldn't be surprised if he becomes outraged at the thought he and his DC could live in the empty house for the duration!

Happy Holiday!

Have an amazing break and do many exciting things and enjoy the time with your DS

🏝️⛵️🍳

I mean this with the utmost respect and care op , but I will not stop reminding you that going NC will be very good for your recovery. I know it's not easy , but it will serve you well.

Have a wonderful holiday! Breathe good air! Play with your son. Just enjoy yourself.

Kindly, all the work you are doing/will be doing with therapy is being undone every time you have contact with him. You are wasting time, energy and money.

It’s hard, but not impossible. You have done harder things in the past. There is absolutely no reason for you to be talking to him anymore, you are just hurting yourself every time you do it.

@PithyBeaker start with blocking him while you are on holiday. Concentrate on your son and making beautiful memories without any distractions. Even frame it to him as a digital detox and/or having roaming charges. It's only a fortnight... that's doable, right?

I have to say, Pithy, I agree with this. I know you don’t want to let go of him, but I really don’t understand why.

You have said yourself you wouldn’t be surprised if he’s looking for someone else. So you can’t really believe anything he says, and you can’t really believe he loves you. What’s so bad about being on your own and focusing on your own healing and your own DS?

Why do you want to keep going over this stuff with him when it’s exhausting you and you know he hasn’t and won’t change?

Afraid this is the reality ...

Cold turkey is the only way now...

About the NC thing not the OP at all, but mobile phones have become a torture when it comes to ending anything.
Before them you could break up with someone and if you had no kids, you literally wouldn’t see them unless you went looking for them. Yes, there was a house phone but you could just unplug it.
But this messaging back and forth, hand-wringing, it is just so bad for you.
I say that with some men access = success. As long as they have any access to you, it’s a win.
But going cold turkey over anything is brutal. Text messages/DMs are like a dopamine hit and when you see one it’s like your brain gets a reward - someone is thinking of me.
It is often that you don’t went to let go of, because, then what? You literally have to sit in whatever feelings come up next.
I can remember my first proper mobile phone and a break up and it was constant. Back and forth, he says he’d change, I gave him a chance, he did not change. He just repeated how awful I was over the break up. It went on for months and got us nowhere.
And that painful feeling of it happening again around 40 with the jeopardy of ‘nobody will want me’ now involved. Same result.
What am I saying? The only thing that worked was cold turkey and yes I did meet someone after a fair few years solo.
At nearly 60 it’s not that I regret things but I am sad at so much time and worrying about meeting someone. I did in the end but I was fine in my own by then.
I have never met a man who has changed that much either looking at my life or at my friends’ either. I have met a few who have bettered themselves over time, but that’s usually when they’ve done it for themselves.

What is so hard about blocking him @PithyBeaker ? I don’t get it as you are fully aware of his end goal so there is no future with him if you are really going to stick to your guns and staying in contact just makes that more difficult.

@PithyBeaker

Enjoy your holiday. Please don't forget to block him, the entire time if you can, but at least for the hours you and DS are having fun together.

You're stuck for multiple reasons.

You're afraid of what comes after letting him go. Right now, you're clinging to the hope he'll see that you're right and agree to resume the relationship on your terms. But that's not going to happen and you know that too. He thinks you'll cave and he's poking and prodding your vulnerabilities on purpose.

I know you don't want to hear it but he's got an eye for the main chance and he's not shy about taking it and taking advantage if he can. He's materialistic and out for #1. His #1 includes his kids. He's prepared to shove your son aside so he doesn't think you should have the same standard. He's a cuckoo. So he will always push for living together.

He's familiar and feels safe and change is difficult. Holding onto him through contact feeds your hope and keeps you from contemplating your fears about your future when you really let go of him.

You're grieving. There are stages of grief and sometimes you stick in one because you're afraid of what comes next.

Right now, you and your son are a unit. What feeds and strengthens that unit after coming out of a dysfunctional living situation?

Contact does you no good. It does your son no good. It feeds your ex and your fears.

Enjoy your holiday @PithyBeaker . Hope you have a lovely time (and peace from your ex).

Enjoy your holiday @PithyBeaker ! Can't remember what username I posted on your previous threads, but just to say from your last few posts, talking to the ex is going over and over the same stuff, totally exhausting and draining, and you hate it because he's constantly making little digs about how he doesn't have enough space.

Tbh, that doesn't sound like a fun use of your time. I would definitely take a break from that during your holiday and find a way to limit your exposure to these ongoing and repetitive calls when you get back! What are they adding to your life right now and what would you be doing instead if you weren't on a call with him? How do you feel during and after the calls?

Already asked for keys. I said hell no.

Fucking hell. How… what… I’m really struggling to see the attraction of this fella, Pithy! He’s the kind of guy I’d be anxious about bumping into, because I’d feel obliged to be polite and might do myself an injury biting my tongue.

A man who has the front to ask for these keys has zero respect for OP or her son.
None at all..

Why? Because the idea that what if I shut the door and he really does love me and really does want to change and we could have got back the happy times if only I tried a bit more, explained a bit more, then maybe he will eventually accept living separately without insisting he needs more, etc etc etc is torment. I know it’s objectively stupid. But it’s so easy to say that looking in.

He is utterly without shame.

Yep. I know. Kicked off when I said no too. “Can’t believe you don’t trust me” etc etc etc

You give a list of things that you could do differently, if only I etc. But you aren’t the problem here.

It’s a bit like that duet from Chess, where the women sing ‘I know him so well’ and each describe different qualities that explain the failure of the relationship.
”looking back I would have done things differently….” It’s not you, it’s him. Nothing you did would have been enough, nothing you said would have magically changed things. He was happy as things were and would be again given the opportunity.

@PithyBeaker so what if he does love you? It’s not enough. His version of loving you is pathetic and he can’t/wont change. By maintaining contact you’re just subjecting yourself to more heartache and pain anguishing over the ‘what if’. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has had ample time
and opportunity to be and do better when you were still living together, he didn’t do anything. It’s only now that he lost his gravy train that he’s promising you the world.

I know it’s hard but maintaining contact is just hurting you. It’s preventing you from truly moving on.