Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

I think you need to ask a solicitor about how to deal with his belongings as I don't know the law here in England regarding this problem. I had looked into putting into storage but it would have to be in MY name and I would have had to pay for it, so that wasn't an option!
My Ex took over a year to remove his stuff from my garage as he was doing it in dribs and drabs. I wanted to sell up and move back to this country ( this was overseas) and needed his remaining stuff gone, so asked my solicitor who advised me to write to him telling him he has one month/30 days to remove his belongings from my property or I would be legally entitled to dispose of them as I saw fit.
He had his stuff gone in double quick time I can tell you! He probably panicked because some of it was sellable and he'd have missed out had I sold it legally and the money rightfully mine!
Find out where you stand legally and then act on that info or he will drag this on and on and you won't be able to relax and fully heal, which, if he wants back in your house is what he wants! He's leaving stuff on your property as a sort of symbol of leaving a hook in you and to have excuses to contact you or call to the house. You need to pull out all the hooks once and for all!
If you can legally dispose of his stuff and he realises the law is on your side, he'll crap himself and get his rubbish asap and you will be rid of him!
Get legal advice form a reputable solicitor or via Citizens' Advice! I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible but you are clearly and strong person, You and your son will be fine OP, all the best!

He hasn't changed, OP.

But it’s not rude to ignore the calls of an EX. You have split up. You’re not friends and it’s actually the natural/ normal thing to do, to not speak to an ex. Maybe try to unpick in therapy why you allow your own discomfort / lack of healing over appearing rude.

@PithyBeaker

He maintains the shock and trauma of being kicked out “changed him”. He reckons he is a changed man.

An old saying is "You might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same".

Who a person is fundamentally never changes. They may be able to 'hold the pose' for quite a while, but eventually their true nature will emerge.

@PithyBeaker

So, given that you know this is an impasse in which neither of you will ever get what you want, why are you still in contact with him? These are hours in your life that you're uselessly throwing away. I'm sure you could think of something or someone more worthy of this time.

It's a trauma bond. They're very very hard to break. I know, I have one that's 38 years old and still pretty strong. But unfortunately we still have the financial tie of the house that's pretty much the last entanglement.

But I'm getting there. Funnily enough, like you I'm going on holiday next month, I've rented myself a beach house. I plan to block him for the time I'm gone. That's a major step for me.

But you have said time after time, you do not & will not live with his children again. HE IS NOT LISTENING.
It what way has he changed ?

He says it would be different now because he would prioritise me and hear me when I say I don’t feel like I’m being treated like a priority, etc. Not saying I give any weight to that btw, just answering your question.

Not criticising in any way, just wondering why you still have contact?

I felt like this for 8 years! I started to wonder if I was still straight tbh, i would date, and even had a few mini relationships but i just never felt much attraction to anyone (even though objectively they were out of my league). I was fearful that I was still in love with knobhead and thats why - or that I just couldn't get that spark without drama and tension (that was a huge fear of mine - was I addicted to bad relationships/men?). In hindsight i think there was still a huge trauma bond there. Anyway, took a loooong time for that to pass, and Im grateful I had those years to find myself again. Then I met DP and it was sparks a flying from day dot, AND its a really healthy relationship so Im relieved that I can get both. Sounds like you are more sensible than me and worked out you need time single for a while. Good for you! Being single is pretty great I think, everyone should do it for a while.

He's an ex with an agenda. He's not a supportive friend, he's stealing your peace even when he's not living with you.

It's not rude to ignore those calls. Most people don't maintain contact with exes they don't share children with.

He's not going to have an epiphany and change his mind.

Are you? So if he said he wanted a relationship, but you lived separately, you woudl do that? Is that what you are hoping for and why you are carrying on contact?

I think if you really want that (god knows why) then the way to achieve it is no contact. Right now, you are both in limbo. He needs to know what its like to miss you, to have you out of his life completely.

If he could be different, that means he chose not to be.

If he could in fact be different, he’d still have disrespected your home and family for however long it was. Why are you supposed to forget that?

He is still a man who can’t control his DC, who doesn’t share your approach to ‘what makes a nice home’, AND behaved appallingly in recent times.

I’m sorry, but how on earth can he expect you to just put his REALLY BAD behaviour behind you, and try again?

He was outrageously unpleasant. I wouldn’t serve him in a shop. I wouldn’t invite him in for coffee.
I wouldn’t sit close to him on a bus, because I know how he can behave!

If your friend has split up with him, and told you how things had been, would you consider him relationship material?

Why would you have a relationship with someone who has treated any loved one like that- let alone you!

@PithyBeaker I’m not sure what you are gaining by having any contact?

He sounds deeply manipulative tbh, feeding you what you want to hear about impending change if only you would relent and let the status quo resume….

My DSis has an ex like yours, he drops her DS off as early as possible, picks him up as late as possible, rearranges weekends so that in the end he’s had their DS less than he’s supposed to. My DSis and her now DH never argue about this. Ex doesn’t care and doesn’t want DS around, so they are happy for him to be somewhere he is wanted and loved. They BOTH see it as Ex’s loss that he doesn’t spend as much time with DS as he is allotted. Her new DH would never dream of trying to get the Ex to have him more or having a go at my DSis about it because the only reason he would do that is if he didn’t want the DS around so much.

This is why so many of us have taken this from what you said. Because there is no other reason for him to complain about it.

I am interested in how often you respond to people’s questions with what he says, or would say if asked. People here are asking for your thoughts, not devil’s advocate/how he would defend himself against people’s questions.

edited for missing word.

OP, you're no longer living with this guy, but it still sounds like you're in a 'relationship' with him while you maintain this contact with him. I think you'd get back together with him in a heartbeat if it meant you lived separately, but he knows this and won't accept anything except invading your home, and continues to use contact as a way to wear you down.

It might be time to examine with your therapist why you're keeping this going. It can happen for many reasons, being trauma bonded, maintaining hope, not wanting to be the 'bad guy' or all of the above, but it still sounds like you're attached in an unhealthy way, albeit just under different roofs

You've seen his true colours though. People don't change. Yes he could be on best behaviour for a time, but the real him (toddler him if you like) is the default. He wasn't what you wanted or needed him to be and he still isn't.
He doesn't deserve your time and emotional energy and it's not helping you get over him if you're having conversations rehashing things. It's just stroking his ego.

I’m not sure what you are gaining by having any contact?

Yes.

He's obviously hoping to improve his & his kid's living situation.

What's in it for you Op?

He's an ex.

It wouldn't be rude to ignore him.

More terrible behaviour from him then @PithyBeaker treating you like shit because he disagrees with your ExH's custody hours, yet blames you.

It's impossible to believe he is so different now that none of his crap behaviour would be repeated.

You did not control your son's dad and had no power to change how much time he spent with his son.

Ex had control over his money and the amount he paid his ex and his childcare schedule. He chose those freely and he had his ex's agreement regarding childcare.

That's the difference.

He didn't want your son there as much as he was and felt you should force the issue because having your son there affected his living in your home with his kids.

If he loved you and your son, he would have completely accepted you and your son came as a team and been happy to have him there. He would have made sure his kids treated your son well.

But he didn't do that. He didn't blend your families, he engulfed. He took until you had nothing left in your tank.

He chose to not bring you coffee or walk with you or even clean in a timely manner after his kids destroyed your home.

You've dodged a big bullet by not having him in your home as your son hits puberty and becomes a teen.

I know I’m echoing others here, but 2 points:
-I was single for five years before I got together with my now DH. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

-there was a bloke between my DD’s dad and my husband who was even worse and his abuse began because my daughter (then 4) came home from her dad’s and they brought flowers for me because it was my birthday. She was thrilled giving them but obviously my ex had paid for them. The bloke I was with went off on one about it all, the fact I got flowers “from my ex”, that I still let my daughter sleep in my bed if she woke in the night. He wanted me to have an icy relationship with my daughter’s dad basically because he wasn’t allowed contact with his son’s mother (yes, I know. I should have seen it sooner).

anyway my husband doesn’t get involved in directing or dictating the terms of my relationship with her dad, he just listens and supports me- and more importantly, her. He pays and fills the gaps left by my daughter’s dad.

Men who try to steer your relationships with your kids are not thinking about you, they’re cuckoos who want you and your attention all to themselves.

I would have a cut & paste text to send that says something like you've just said here: "Sorry, I'm finding it too exhausting to keep going over and over the same things with you. We're not going to be able to resolve this, so I'm going to give it a break." That's not ignoring texts, but telling him why you're not going to be responding to any. And if you don't feel that you can cold turkey him just yet, do as another PP has suggested, give yourself a 15 minute slot say every other day when you look at his messages and decide that it's still going over and over the same things. And then send your c&p reply. As to phone calls, again, give yourself a set target (if you feel you just can't ignore or block him yet) to answer no more than one a week (or whatever). And then, when he starts in on the "I've changed blah blah blah" crap, say your c&p reply and add that you're going to bow out of this conversation. He will eventually get the message and hopefully give up. Otherwise, you may have to go nuclear and block him. Enjoy your break and really give yourself a break from all this. All the best.

Have you considered terminating the conversation every time he says something like this?

This will serve the dual purposes of:

• Making it obvious to him that this tiresome shit is unacceptable, and
• Terminating the conversation.

I agree with this. I DON’T think you should get back with him, but right now, he knows he could have you, if he wanted you. Your availability for phone calls, relationship rehashes and the like confirms that. At the moment he can’t miss you because you haven’t gone away. He is waiting for you to relent so he can move his kids back in.

I don’t think he’ll find another woman easily - I know you say he’s charming, but 3 challenging children in a cramped living space is off putting.

If you go properly NC and he doesn’t know what you’re doing, if you’re thinking of him, who you’re with it’ll clarify how he feels about you. Does he miss you and want to be with you, no matter what, even in separate houses and without moving his kids in? Does the whole thing fizzle out as he starts to live his own life? Does he insist that he misses you terribly, will change but only get back with you if he and his kids move back in?

He’s not very nice to you @PithyBeaker, but if you want him back on your own terms, he needs to feel that you are capable of moving on. This back and forth reinforces to him that you’re thinking of him

So why not go no contact?

Do you not think it’s strange/inconsistent that he professes to prioritise you Soooo much - above all else - yet only wants to be with you if his kids move into your house?

You’re his highest priority, but even though he’d be free on alternate weeks for dates, time together, he doesn’t want that at all 🤔