Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

I think you’ve fallen into the typical trap of women in relationships. You see in him the potential to be everything you want him to be. But that’s making you overlook the reality of what he actually is and does. He could be the man of your dreams. If he just… took responsibility, listened to you, put your needs first more often etc. What would you do if you thought “this is him, as he is, (as he has been): he will never change”. You accept him based on his previous behaviour or you move on.

I get this 🎯 a lot of sugar and a lot of 💩 too. It's literally like two different people..and the good times are good..but his baseline is disrespect. And it will always return to there unless he is actively trying to be good to you to secure his and his childrens future.... Which he will do until he has secured it. Then it all the nice will slip away again because he hasn't changed. He still blames anyone and everyone except himself.

I can completely understand why you walked away from the new guy op. I was single for 5 years after splitting with abusive exh. I just wasn't interested in meeting anyone.

I hope you can eventually go NC with your ex. I think it would really benefit your recovery.

It's nice to see you posting again and I hope you and your son are well.

That reminds me of your comment in an earlier thread that Ex-P had "never forgiven me for not buying a house with him".

"oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive". My god he's like a spider that just won't fuck off 😆

So this prick of an ex just 'scanned' did he? - how convenient 🤔
He didn't realise you needed more?
Mr devil dick strikes again! 👿

It's not his fault, but his (put excuse here) ex missus, adhd, ASD, neurodiverse trait, the fact it's a Tuesday, and his cats previous owners, or nans first shags fault? 😆 anything to avoid accountability really.

He's desperate now.
The charm and threats didn't work.
Time for him to change tactics. 💯
He's playing the long game now.
Patiently he will wait...
he will plant seeds, and he will slowly but surely chip away at you, a little here and a little there.
Grinding you down.

As another poster said, he will delay moving (too expensive for a bigger place /debt) as he will think you will all be back together by Christmas 🎄

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
🦆🦆🦆

But in your ex's case: if it looks like a selfish abusive nobhead, speaks like a selfish abusive nobhead and acts like a selfish abusive nobhead.... then you guessed it...
a drum roll please 🥁 🥁 🥁
HE'S A SELFISH ABUSIVE NOBHEAD! 👏
Shout it louder for those in the cheap seats at the back! 😆

Please don't let him undo all your hard work lovely lady.
You deserve better, you just need to believe it. 🫂
Mr Devil dick isn't worth it.
@PithyBeaker

He maintains the shock and trauma of being kicked out “changed him”. He reckons he is a changed man. He may genuinely believe this is true but I agree with you, some patterns are just who he is. He won’t be able to change, even with all best intentions, and I expect would always just fall back to blaming it on his ADHD.

I fear that his ADHD and your previous trauma will always be used to explain away his "bad behaviour" and underlying selfishness.

“Unless he is actively trying to be good”

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 Exactly this. It is an act that requires conscious effort to maintain, it’s not just who he is naturally. I’m not sure he can be flamed for this, he is selfish, who isn’t. But I don’t want to be with someone who has to work so hard to remind themself to give some thought to me and my needs.

Yes, same, I’m afraid.

Could you re-enter a relationship knowing that this trump card is always in his hand, waiting to be played against you?

Thank you ❤️ yes, I don’t feel a romantic pull towards anyone. I just want to be around close friends and family who I can laugh and smile with and not feel stressed.

well-remembered. Yes, I get regular reminders every time we speak “oh I wish I had somewhere to let the kids go outside” “I need somewhere bigger” “we just don’t have enough space here”. He would never explicitly say “this is your responsibility to fix” but that is the effect of constantly reminding me. It’s shit and I hate it. DC and I going away for two weeks this Saturday and will try to NC while away.

🤣 Mr Devil Dick… goodness me. Don’t worry, I’m not going to undo anything. The contrast is too great: it’s so much more peaceful and easy now, and was far too exhausting before, to ever consider letting him and his children back in the house.

No, it’s a big part of what stops me. That feeling of no control when I just have to accept some shitty behaviour - or worse: apologise for getting upset about something he “can’t control because it’s an illness”

This sounds exhausting. I hope you have a lovely time away with your DC and I would definitely try NC and see what difference it makes.

I remembered it because it jumped out at me at the time; his fury that you put the long-term needs of you and your DS above his domestic situation.

Him questioning why your own son spent time with you in your home was the only comment that has ranked higher on the WTELF scale while reading.

Please try to be NC with him in that period then continue it @PithyBeaker

Whatever his current claims of realisation and emotional development, his endgame is getting himself and all of his DC back into your home. You have been clear that you do NOT want that.

Is it benefitting you in any way to keep hearing from him?

I'm concerned for you that where you previously identified him weaponising your past trauma to invalidate your responses, there now seems to be some agreement with his comments.

You and 'Junior Beaker' (as a pp nicknamed your DS) deserve the best 🥰 and that man is not it.

Please please please be no contact for your holiday!!! What peace you and your son will have!!! Please please please do that! It will open your eyes as greatly as him having left the house!

That is no way to live @PithyBeaker .
You get to choose if you want to be involved with anybody who will not take accountability for their words or behaviour.

I’ve never been in your situation @PithyBeaker but I really fail to see how you can move on and move forward with your life unless you stop being in contact with this man .

Why would you ruin a lovely holiday by staying in contact with this man?
If he wanted to bring about real change, he would understand the mess he has made, and leave you alone to heal.
Then he would do the work and it would be a lot - emotional, physical surroundings, financial.
But he’s not. He keeps coming to you
like a child - why is it anything to do with you that he needs more space?
He had space on your home and let his kids wreck it. You had to pay a cleaner to clean up their shit.
No condition can excuse his behaviours and I’m absolutely sick of people using ‘labels’ to hide behind appalling behaviour.
He is still looking to you and at you as a solution.
If he wanted to be a better man he would act like one and let you get on with your life.
He doesn’t give a toss about what this contact is doing to you.
The only way and I mean the only way you will regain some happiness is by going cold turkey.
Otherwise you will become stuck and worn down.
Please don’t @PithyBeaker
You are a bright, lovely and accomplished woman with a gorgeous DS. Let that be enough for now.
He is not the answer to any question you have.

Just to explain (but obv not justify) the “complaining about my son in the house” thing. He was complaining that my ex-husband almost never has my son and contrasting that with himself (who has his kids half the time). He has a point: my exH leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to time spent w his son. The issue was that he knew this was the case when we got together, it’s never been any different. And him giving me shit for my exH’s shortcomings - even going so far as to tell me I wasn’t doing enough to make my exH have his son more, even though this was a battle I fought hard for years, long before he was on the scene - was horrendous.

The question is what next @PithyBeaker ?

None of my business, but why are you staying in contact with him? You know the well is dry. Do yourself a favour, close the door and move on. And I hope you can stop caring about him and his life soon.

Just a thought... everyone is saying no contact. I understand why there's still contact being in very similar position. Instead of advising no contact, my advice would be up Ur contact and development of the good friends and family relationships that you have. Deliberately target more of your time there. Once you are focusing more on other nice and good people, the time you actually have for him will diminish and so will his hold on your emotions and thoughts. Time and energy with nice safe people. Less headspace for him to occupy..that might be a more doable strategy.
He wants BACK into your house. The only time he will be safe to have a friendship with is when he and his kids are in a home that he is happy with. Then and only then will his true colours be seen.

He doesn’t have a point. You certainly do ( and I really do understand this one through experience). It’s not for him to have an opinion on other than if you ask him.

My current partner ( who has done all the heavy lifting with my DC ) simply does not comment about their Dad, although he has listened to, and supported me over the years. He has never made it his problem.

I really hope you can go no contact for your holiday. It will be good for you. It will also allow you and your DC to focus on your relationship. It’s great that things are so much better since you kicked him out but as I keep saying he’s still in your head. Force him out ( ping an elastic band to remind you ), or at least set yourself 15 minutes a day or whatever. The rest of the time is to focus on you and your DC. If your XP was in any way a decent man he would be leaving you alone on holiday in any case. If he won’t then again he is showing you ( talk is cheap ) who he really is.