Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

It seems OP is now beginning the process of explaining away the prolonged appalling treatment she has experienced at this man's hands.

@cowasballerina I thought that too. I think she is going to get back together with him. Its very sad. Its incredibly hard to move on and let go - especially when you still love someone. You want to see any chink that they get it, will change because its so much easier to stay together. I get it, Ive done it.

Its why no contact is so vital. I couldn't fall out of love and get total clarity before I did. 8 years on and with an amazing guy who never makes me feel like that and its so so easy. Life just doesnt have to be this hard. (wish someone had told me that all those years ago).

But would you have listened at the time? @seanconneryseyebrow

I do agree by the way, but Op has to get there in her own time.

Does he do the same with his kids? If they have a purported physical, emotional or practical (new shoes, sporting gear) need does he “scan” their request and ignore them if he doesn’t agree?

Oh....just caught up...

Thought there might be news on how, if any, things were progressing with Alex.

It’s not ASD or ADHD.

Out of interest, when you say you’re holding that line very firm, does that mean he is still saying he wants them all to come back and that he’ll be different next time?

He’s telling you what he thinks you need to hear. It was my ASD/ADHD, I didn’t know how important it was (I didn’t believe you’d throw me out), I will be different - you know this is textbook. I love you, I’ll change, I didn’t do it on purpose…

Yes, he still wants them all to move back in. It’s not happening, DW.

🤣 I’m so sorry to disappoint but I decided I just don’t think I fancy him 🫣 We hung out a bit more, once he kind of tried to kiss me … but my whole body just went NO. Even though he is objectively very attractive. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m clearly deeply flawed.

How is your son enjoying his new entertainment space? Is he having lots of friends round?

Yes he is looking for somewhere bigger. He can’t afford it yet.

Oh go away. Actually: I am in excellent therapy trying to work out my approach to love and how I believe I am not good enough and feel the need to serve in relationships. I have taken major steps to work on myself and prioritise space and peace for myself and my son. So bog off w this snide-nasty discussion of me in the third person on my own damn thread.

Oh no.... sorry to hear that.

At least you knew early on that it wasn't what you wanted.

More time spent with you and your son and the peace and quite for now.

Stay firm on your ex and his DC though, even if he does make you believe he'll change his ways there's nothing to say it'll stay that way once he's got his foot in the door again....and as for the DC they're still probably continuing as they were before, only now the ex can see it all and has to deal with the long summer school break on his own.

I am at zero risk of winding it back. Just trying to figure myself out, my relationship pattern and how this relates to my history - and trying to believe I deserve love not grounded in someone needing me. It is not easy. I’m doing my best but it is not easy.

You need to channel your inner Princess, Pithy!
Swan about the place in a tiara, muttering ‘I am enough’, and train your lovely son up in making tea for you.

I think the fact he is still pushing for something he knows you don’t want is evidence that he hasn’t changed at all.

He still isn’t listening and he still doesn’t respect your boundaries. And he’s not even in the door yet.

Your ex will never take any responsibility, OP.

All the work you’re putting in can only be helpful for you, and your DC going forward. It’s time well spent.

It doesn’t change who he is, or his behaviour then or in the future. It might help you understand partly why you found yourself accepting it.

Fundamentally though ( in my opinion ) , you accepted it because he’s a man and you’re a woman. We are conditioned to accept male patterned behaviour/abuse. And we do. If you haven’t looked at the Freedom Programme do consider it.

You seem to have accepted/decided that as living together arrangement with the DC is never going to be possible. But possibly something else can be salvaged? It can of course. But, regardless of what he says ( words are cheap ), the entitled and selfish ( male patterned ) behaviour will continue. It will just present differently. I honestly believe that if you could make a complete break from contact for a while you’d have the head space to see this. Possibly to recognise other worrying of his behaviour that you have not yet acknowledged.

This.

I really really hear this. “I think the fact he is still pushing for something he knows you don’t want is evidence that he hasn’t changed at all.” This rings very true to me. Thank you 🙏

@PithyBeaker do you think it would be better to cut contact with him?
I know it’s difficult but I don’t think these ‘chats’ with him are helping at all they are just keeping you stuck.

I think that "yet" is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

Is he assuming that eventually you'll feel sorry for him and let him move back in?

Either there is a chance you will take him back or there isn't. If there isn't then you have to cut him off completely so he understands that he has to move on. Because right now, he thinks there must be a chance and he's just waiting.

Never underestimate a man's ability to be patient.

Completely agree with this.

Ot will be hard, but cutting contact will allow you space to really work on yourself without his background noise.

Its terribly hard to leave someone who fights and clings to you—hell! women find it hard to leave someone who boots them in the face and cheats on them.

Just keep working with your therapist and working on yourself this will take time. Its a process of rinsing him out of your life by pouring cool water over yourself and over your memories until you free yourself of the emotional attachment.

At one point he made you feel good about yourself and he is promising to do it again. Like the others I don’t think he is capable of doing it consistently whether he sincerely believes he will or not. The ASD/ADHD excuse that he has used basically implies he will never take complete accountability for his actions in the future. He believes that there are two people in his life “me and not me”: good man and ADHD/ASD naughty man who means well but can be blamed for all bad acts.

But you have to live with both! You would have to accept a lifetime of his blaming his toddler other self to accept him back.

In therapy I think you will get a chance to really work on why you have probably always accepted fool’s gold for gold. Half time love for real love. Poor treatment 60 percent of the time for good treatment every now and then.

Its not your fault! Its the way most women are raised! But it is your gordian knot to unravel. So cut through.

God, all of this. Therapist literally asked me as a percentage how much happy he made me and I said maybe 65%. How right you are.

Also this: “I don’t think he is capable of doing it consistently whether he sincerely believes he will or not. The ASD/ADHD excuse that he has used basically implies he will never take complete accountability for his actions in the future. He believes that there are two people in his life “me and not me”: good man and ADHD/ASD naughty man who means well but can be blamed for all bad acts.
But you have to live with both! You would have to accept a lifetime of his blaming his toddler other self to accept him back.”

This is exactly how he dodges accountability blamelessly. 😔 And I can’t live with the toddler self, much as I love the good man he can be other times.

I’m guessing you being nice and talking to him makes him think there is still a chance.
The holidays must be difficult in a small space so he has to keep trying as you are the easiest/cheapest solution. I don’t think in a mercenary way but just the simplest way to solve his issues.