Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

He maintains that he “didn’t know” how unhappy I was. He says every time I said I felt like his lowest priority, he just scanned the words and his brain said “not true, she is my highest priority, no need for further action” and he only now realises that was the wrong response and he needed to actually do things to change how I was feeling. I don’t know enough about ASD or ADHD to know if this rings true. To me it definitely feels 🤨🧐

He didn’t ask why you felt that way. He disregarded your statement and decided it was not worthy.
ASD and ADHD - I live with someone with both, it can be frustrating at times, but it is no reason for the poor treatment he gave to you.
I have no doubt you still care for him, but don’t let never wanting to live with the kids be the only reason you can’t be together.
I can remember your threads and he treated you appallingly. Nobody who truly loves you treats you that way.
If someone comes to you with a genuine feeling, then to override that is to be selfish. He did not want to deal with why you felt like that, or how he could help so that you didn’t.
His feelings around your son showed you who he was - he did not want your son around. And that’s awful.
You have done so well and I hope your therapy continues to help.

I’m glad you’re making progress. Please be wary of taking on responsibility for his shortcomings . It’s good you are working out things about yourself. That doesn’t mean what he expected would have been acceptable if things had been different for you.

Can I suggest again that you consider a complete break from contact with him. It doesn’t need to be acrimonious, or even permanent. In my experience it’s not till someone is completely out of your head you can get the clarity you need to see see what’s really been going on. In fact sometimes it can be years later! Do consider it.

Finally, I may have said it before. The dynamic of relationships continues even after separation/living apart. It’s hard to break, as we are often doing/thinking things subconsciously. Again in my experience we need to actively try to stop it, and create new patterns for ourself. Especially if we still love them ( also not unusual ).

No it doesn't ring true hes just trying to excuse his poor behaviour and is using his asd/adhd as a defence being a selfish twat.
BTW this comes from someone who has asd and is the parent to an asd/adh teen

He said he’d meet someone else straight away, blamed you for everything the minute you held a boundary that he couldn’t get past. I agree with posters above that you tolerated his behaviour so long because of your trauma, you didn’t break up
with him because your trauma somehow spooked you. You broke up with him because there is some self esteem there and some self preservation instinct.

most importantly, I guarantee your son is getting more of you now and that is how it should be. You shouldn’t be drained from a relationship so much for so long that your son suffers.

you may think you still love him, I think you are just allowing him to continue to make it your fault and emotionally bludgeon you because your childhood programming says that’s how it should be.

I appreciate ur reply so much. It's funny isn't it when you write down all the bad bits that are forcing your hand to act, he comes across as a pretty bad and abusive. But like you my husband and I get on great most of the time. We genuinely a great team and can be so good for each other. So yes I hear you when you say u still talk to him and still in a kind of relationship/friendship with him. I do get that. It's not black and white.
Like you I need to live separately from him. The issue is actually one of not having a voice and control in my own home. That he's happy for me to leave whenever he crosses my boundaries. He would be happy for me to live elsewhere whilst he stayed in my house. Hes not a horrible person tho. If u knew him u would agree. It's not bad in a way that I have to to to women's aid. He's not violent or anything. He just wants me to feel that he's in charge and he will do what he wants and if I don't like it, then leave. It's always to do with his kids as well. I won't even start on the drama there as there isn't enough hours in the day.
Anyway re what you wrote, I agree with others...it's not Ur childhood trauma that has caused any of this. It's what has allowed you to let someone treat you like 💩 in your own home. I am the same. My bar of self worth is low. I can accept little from him. But making me unhappy enough to leave my own home on repeat for two years. No! Unacceptable.

And I haven't told him officially yet. He knows tho. He's trying to leave himself i think. I'm just getting ducks in a row and not rushing stuff. I want a clear head, clear strategy and to be absolutely sure I'm doing the right thing. I am btw. Very sure. Got appointment with lawyer.in August.
What I have learnt is about the "cycle of emotional abuse". I don't know if your aware of it. AI on Google is very good 👍 it's when they are sweet and lovely, make you feel safe and loved again, then 💥 whack. Trash you again. You think that's it and u gonna leave then all the great life u have together is back, get u nice and safe again 💥 boom. It's basically that on repeat. I find it so hard to believe it is deliberate but it's definitely what happens. AI said write it down when it happens and start watching the pattern. VERY helpful. Writing down all the incidents that led to this point is helpful when he's being so so sweet. Keeps u nice and focussed!
PS Pithy- he's never to get his foot back in the door. Even if he's sweet for a year, you know the real him. Never forget what happened. That is the real him. Your poor son. Poor u giving giving giving to him and his kids to be called the c word, ignored and have Ur own house trashed. No. Just blooming no.
I know when d day comes with my husband I will still love him, not want to hurt him, and enjoy the nice side of him. BUT there has to be a line in the sand. He doesn't get control in my life or property again. He can be my friend if he wants. But not living with me.

I work with people with autism and ADHD, I have several friends with one or the other (or both) and my own DH has ADHD. I can anssure you, being uncaring and dismissive to your “highest priority person” has nothing to do with neurodivergence and everything to do with being self centred, selfish, uncaring, and generally a massive dick. Don’t accept excuses, even if you accept an apology. His excuses are reasons to absolve himself from blame, he can’t bear to be in the wrong so you (or his neurodiversity) have to be.

It takes a special type of ASD arsehole to hear that you’re unhappy and struggling, because of his behaviour, and think ‘yeah, no. It’s all good. She could do with grumbling less, though.’.

I’m worried you’ve forgotten that the issue wasn’t just his kids, it was that he wouldn’t do anything about it and was abusive when you asked.
He really was appalling, and that’s nothing to do with your trauma. You didn’t make a fuss about nothing. His behaviour was disgusting, and that’s not ok.

My husbands son (who is 18 and has been violent towards his mum and accused of sexual assault a few days ago) is staying with us at the moment. My husband has told him lots of times that I hate him. Anyway I don't want to be on my own in the house with him. Husband thinks this is ridiculous and that he can go out when he wants and leaves me with him despite me making it very very clear
So yes ms Pickledpopcorn it takes a very special kinna guy to hear your concerns and dismiss them and carry on doing what suits them.

I raised a kid with ADHD, I've been around quite a few with that and ASD and his behaviour was not that. He simply had you where he wanted you and put zero effort into your relationship. He got lazy and took you for granted. He knew you were really into him and he thought he had it made and he stopped doing much of anything while his kids were there destroying things in your home. I still remember how ground down you sounded in your initial posts.

I'm glad you've found an excellent therapist. Your previous therapist really had you twisted like a pretzel so this is a big step.

I hope you and your son are having a great summer.

He knew. How can you hear someone say in different words that "I am unhappy" and not respond in some way? Even if someone says "You are wrong" that's still a response. The wrong response, but at least it acknowledges that the person spoke. But he chose to ignore your words. Ignore. And do you know why? Because he didn't want to put himself out to change things. It wasn't because of some 'quirk' in his brain, it was because he liked the way things were. You did all the donkey work and cleaned up after his kids. To acknowledge your feelings would have ended up with him actually having to parent his kids and help around the house and he didn't want to do that.

I think one of the dangers of you keeping in touch with him is that you are still vulnerable to his words. You try to think of reasons that might excuses his behaviour. Even if you maintain your resolve (and I certainly hope you do) each of those 'maybe' thoughts weakens you and tears at you a bit.

I know whereof I speak. As I've mentioned before I'm still in contact with my alcoholic esDH due to joint ownership of our house (he's living in). He professes undying love for me and how he 'didn't realize' his drinking was affecting me. He swears to change and 'be the man you married'. He knew, he just didn't care and loved his alcohol buzz more than he loved me (and our sons). Each time he says these things it reopens that healing wound just a bit. But then he gets drunk and that wound quickly scabs over once again. It is harder for you because you hear his words but have no proof that he hasn't changed, whereas my drunk esDH is hard proof for me that he hasn't changed. But for you to get that proof would require you fully letting him back into your life, something that I hope becomes a bit of quickly squashed thought.

But I'm afraid that your conversations about 'what went wrong' with him is keeping you from exploring the possibilities of a new love. Not that the time is necessarily right or that you're actively seeking it now, but that you won't see that 'right time' if it presents itself. You have many years ahead of you. Close the door on him and open some new windows.

Ime people with ASD are more likely to assume that problems are their fault and try to pick through it so they understand what they’re unintentionally doing that’s making you upset. If they don’t, it’s a choice they’re making not to.

My DH has ADHD. Sometimes he’ll come up with an idea that doesn’t prioritise the family (or me) and just prioritises what he wants. It’s a spur of the moment thing and he’ll get excited about it. It doesn’t take more than me pointing it out for him to go “Oh you’re right. I don’t really want to spend all our family savings on something that would only benefit me - I obviously wasn’t thinking!”

He knew. It’s just that it wasn’t impacting his own happiness so he saw no need to change. Now it’s impacted him, he suddenly says he sees that change or work is necessary. And I know it’s been said before, but if you were to believe him, how long would it be before he got comfortable again and decided he no longer needed to put any effort in?

And when you said “You never bring me coffee any more” his brain said “not true, I always bring her coffee, no need for further action”?

💩

This is such a good point.

I know. I have no way of knowing without testing. And I don’t have the mental resources to try again. Too depleted by previous efforts.

If he’s still in touch and reminding you of your love for him, he’s doing that to get back in your house with his children. It might look like you sell and we’ll buy a house together. It might just be that he still loves you, but he’s taking it one step at a time and eventually you’ll be back where you started.

Is he actually trying to find somewhere big enough for him and all the children? Because that’s where his energy should be. If he hasn’t started looking, that tells you something. If he’s looking but it’s slow and nothing is suitable, that says the same. He’s dragging his heels because he assumes he’ll be back at yours for Christmas.

I know you care about him, but it might be time to finally cut him off for good.

I wasn’t trying to beat you over the head with it, Op. I was arguing with him (or what you’d relayed from him). I think you’re doing so well. And I’m glad your new therapist isn’t a moron like the last one 😁

This cycle of emotional abuse is very interesting, thanks for sharing. I’m thinking about you @Doubledenim305 i really hope you’re ok and that the situation with you Stepson is under control.

Thanks. Yes I'm fine☺️ he knows something is up and is being really nice. I'm glad you found the cycle of emotional abuse helpful. I've put on a link to this woman on you tube. DH is being so so so nice at the moment, makes me question why I want/need to leave. So have to recall the facts! Anyway this is well worth a watch if u want to understand actually what is going on. It has really helped clarify what's going on.

Hope it's useful to you or anyone else who is in caught in similar cycle.

If he'd heard you say you felt like his lowest priority, but his brain didn't recognise that as true, and he's only realised now you've asked him to leave - my question is, what would stop that just happening again if you were ever to move in together? How would he magically know the difference in the future?

I think you're absolutely right to say living with his kids is a red line and, whatever else you feel for each other and what relationship you want to have, you should hold that line. Otherwise you are just putting your own quality of life way down the list.

Do you really believe that about the scanning and then not changing anything?

when you first got together he was charming, attentive and then he withdrew that. This meant actually changing his usual patterns and routines by going to bed later, not making you morning coffee. You also made want you wanted quite clear with activities like going for a walk. Him rejecting that wasn’t him “scanning”, he just wasn’t treating you well.

He says because now he knows how to react in that situation. I just don’t know if this is a real manifestation of his ASD/ADHD or not. But yes I am holding that line very firm re kids. Quality of life is a helpful way to think about it, thank you.

Thank you for this and I’m glad to hear things are ok for now.

Just a thought, OP, but have you re-read this whole thread recently?

It might be useful to revisit some of the comments you have made to remind you of all the twists and turns you have negotiated over the last few months. X