Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Very happy for you OP 😊

most of the small stuff now gone too, down to small furniture dregs. And an “Alex” update… non-date on Wednesday (ie. meeting up to do a fun outdoor activity we both enjoy which is how we met). V v v v relaxed about the whole situation. All well. Thanks pals xxx

You are doing so well. It seems as if you're starting to float above the negative things and just enjoying a sense of 'being'. It's a wonderful thing when that happens.

Enjoy Wednesday's non-date.

Fingers crossed for good weather for you! Or maybe bad weather at the end so you need to go indoors and snuggle up together 😜

I’m so pleased for you OP and that you are experiencing life beyond this relationship.
Im sure he has many regrets.

It sounds like your self esteem is recovering a bit from the battering it's taken over the last few years.

I remember you saying you thought ex was your last chance at love and now you're seeing that there's a lot more out there than him and you're actually quite a catch. Your self image is undergoing revision and that's a good thing.

You saw yourself as less than you are and that was fine with ex because it kept you vulnerable to being kept in a bad situation. I still think you could benefit from individual therapy with a good therapist to clarify how your past still affects your present and to let that voice go.

Fair winds and following seas.

Thank you, most clever potato. I will think about therapy but honestly last one was so bad I feel quite scalded by it. I’m doing ok at the moment, I think. And the “Alex” situation continues…. Saw him today, only half planned, we kind of planned to bump into each other (if that makes sense) and ended up hanging out in a casual way for a bit. Found out we were actually at the same uni for the same three years believe it or not but never met, which is a weird coincidence

A little alarm bell just went off in my head at the University thing. Please set my mind at rest and tell me the conversation didn't go like:
Him: "So which University did you attend?"
You: "XYZ University"
Him: "Me too! When were you there?"
You: [dates]
Him: "Oh, so was I, how amazing is that?"

🫣😂😅 no, I’m not that stupid. He said his dates first, and I was like, wait, what?? Same as me. The university is Oxford and we were at different colleges in very different departments and he was doing his postgrad while I was an undergrad but our years were exactly the same, which is a funny coincidence. Also FWIW I have verified all his deets and qualifications, they are all over online…. He is legit, I’m afraid.

@PithyBeaker

Random....but how is your DS doing?

Great 😊 thanks

Well done. Good idea to make sure he is legit.

Tell you what I’m not sure where your ex was educated but he didn’t quite know who he was talking on did he?
Anyway, about Steve. Blimey. Not that I should be that invested but….

Just to say, space potato, I have just ordered this, after a read back of messages. Thanks 🙏

Excellent book I read it 30 years ago, it was so easy to see myself in some of the behaviours and to stop it. Also how childhood experience is often what sets us up for people pleasing.
It was my blueprint for valuing myself and learning to say no.

Also read it and thought it was a super book.

Yep I’ve finished it, was bang on. I never knew I’ve always needed to feel like I had to work really hard and give everything to earn love because I wasn’t worth it otherwise … and that I was sending out signals that I would be the one who would work hard to the point of self-destruction. Once you see it….

Nice to see ur update pithy!

Lovely to see your update, I was thinking of you on the commute this morning. Hope all is well.

That sounds like awesome progress, Pithy. It’s lovely to have an update :)

@PithyBeaker
I hope you have a wonderful summer xx

Pithy I'm happy for you that you are moving on with your life in multiple positive ways 😍

I hope you and your DS have a lovely summer together 🌞

If Alex/Steve also features further, bonus! x

Can I ask how ur ex is getting on and how u are in your feeling in relation to him? I'm just about to see the lawyer and am in a similar situation to you except we are married. I paid for the house, we do 50/50 on bills but he treats me like an unwelcome guest in my own home. Called me the c word when I asked him to put stuff into the dishwasher not long ago. Doesn't respect my boundaries at all. I have to leave my house constantly to get a rest. He is always making a point that I can't tell him what to do. Anyway enough. I feel terrible because he will be devastated to lose the lifestyle and benefits I bring. He will be happy enough to not see me tho. Very sad really. Anyway I always related to your dilemma and was living very similar to you.
Like Ur man, I'm not sure he will want to stay in touch once I've taken away the nice house and lifestyle. Am not interested in dating ever again. Just wondered how things are between u and ex and the kids. And do you have any nuggets to share. No pressure if u busy with scientist 🥼.

That’s awful, I’m sorry. Have you told him it’s over? Or is he that rude even without you ending it? I hope you have support IRL. There is also Women’s Aid helpline. Talking to lawyers sounds like a good first step.

In terms of how I feel about my exDP, it’s very complicated. He has been doing a pretty good job or trying to stand on his own, in his own flat. He seems very sad about our relationship ending and we still talk about it. The fact is we do still care about each other but have incompatible relationship needs (he wants the intimacy and closeness of living together like we used to have and I don’t want to live with his children anymore). There are a lot of complex reasons why our relationship broke down towards the end (debt (him), childhood trauma (me) resulting in depression and alienation on both sides). I don’t believe he ever just loved me for my house, we had some very good years and were very compatible in many ways. But I have realised I am someone who needs to feel needed in a relationship and is accustomed to feeling unworthy of love without having to give overmuch of myself. I have started seeing an excellent new therapist because I want to unpick some complex feelings around my ex and childhood trauma. To some extent, I do wonder if I had a panic reaction when I felt like he was treating me like his lowest priority because I had previously never felt safer and had opened up the childhood trauma box… I am very clear that I don’t want to live with his children anymore. I am less clear on whether I still love him, I’m afraid. Relationships are complicated. I’m sorry to hear about your difficult situation too, I really hope you can get some support IRL.

Pithy, for what it’s worth, I never thought he only loved you for your house. But he was using you - and he was complaining about how much time your son spent in your house. I don’t think that can be overlooked.

I don’t think you have to see him as a monster and when people say “find your anger” sometimes I think that’s just steam-rollering over all the other feelings you have that are then going to fight to come out. Acknowledge your love and the good times. But know that he was not healthy, and he fell into a place where he was using you and not interested in your wellbeing anymore. He verbally abused you, he stopped bringing you coffee, he didn’t help when you repeatedly asked him to. He was comfortable there, like that, with you unhappy.

I don’t think your reaction to that was just because of a childhood trauma. I genuinely think your childhood trauma is the only reason you tolerated it all for so long.