He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

I’ve been quietly following along and just want to say that I’m so happy for you with the progress you’ve made and how settled you seem.
You’ve handled it all with such dignity and grace. He’s made his sad bed and he’s definitely lying in it now!

He tried to offer me some reassurance that he's not back with ow but I honestly don't care

I do wonder if he’s been trying to keep it going with the ow and she’s binning him off, and not interested, I mean he is a pathetic self serving twat right and no way she doesn’t know that now or have an inkling, and so he’s now faced with he’s done this, and he’s not come out with the prize he was hoping for.

i do think some men do this, they think they are all that and a bag of chips. That they can pull younger attractive women, that they are really high value and confined by their loser wife and then find the reality is that’s far from the case. They are just sad single divorced men.

i wouldn’t tell him you’re going on a date, but I’d make sure he finds out another way, maybe a family member or a mutual friend, as it cements that you’re not low value at all, it’s him who is, I couldn’t resist the temptation myself.

Oh he has moved to Chapter 2 of The Script!!

Chapter 2 is titled "How to get her to take you back when you realise that you massively fucked up your life when you left her"

Step 1 is looking like he slept in a skip.

Step 2 is claiming that his mental health is really bad

Step 3 is saying that he might as well just kill himself

ETA

Chapter 3 is "How to get your own back when she doesnt want you anymore"

All of the steps are GET ANGRY, CALL HER A FUCKING BITCH AND TRY TO TAKE HER DOWN!

So be ready, that will be next.

It's really helping my self esteem!

A friend of mine told me they all knew I'd soon see I have other options and suggested this is exactly why he had needed to erode my self esteem in the first place.

I'm not convinced he thought about me enough at all to have consciously done that but it was very effective none the less.

Not sure. But by all accounts she's totally hooked on him. More fool her.

I do suspect that for him she was a big ego stroke and he was enjoying it when that's all it was. I suspect the reality of what he's lost in terms of comfort and finances along with expectations from her side and the uphill battle to actually make that work is biting.

Anyway not my monkeys not my circus..

Oh god. This sounds fun 🫣

I'm sorry but it's better you know now and are prepared for it. When you know whats coming, its actually quite funny!

How are you doing OP? Have you been on your date yet?

I'm doing great thank you!

Went for coffee, it was lovely and really cheered me up. Going to see him again, I'm not looking for another commitment and was clear about my situation but he was very sweet about it all and still wants to go out again 😊

You were completely on the money! Ex got wind of my coffee date and was total arse about it.

Said ive removed any chance of us getting back together by moving on so fast, that he's been nothing but kind to me and I've thrown it all back in his face.

Honestly I can't even type all that with a straight face, I mean what planet is he on?!! I pointed out his hypocrisy gently and reminded him my life is no longer his concern.

Huge lol, and fuck me, removed any chance , he did that when he found himself unilaterally deciding uour marriage was over so he could get naked and shag another woman. Repeatedly . Without telling you. And yes how kind of him to do that and then end your marriage and continue his affair.

enjoy seeing the new guy, have some fun,

"Nothing but kind to you"

Absurd to the point he must be delusional 🤦
Apparently he has his "I'm not a bad guy"
self-narrative going strong.

So pleased for you that the date went well @Allthegoodonesareg0ne .

What a gobshite.
Left you twice, but gets ansty when you go for coffee🙄.
You are so well rid of him.
Twat.

As far as I know, English has no word for a person who completely lacks self-awareness. It seems like a real gap in the language to me.

Bellend?

You know the killer? In his head it is now officially all your fault. That he cheated and lied is not important, what matters is that you had a coffee with a new friend who happens to be a bloke, THAT is why your marriage is over, it is all your fault. That will always be his narrative.

So get used to it and dont defend yourself. Just repeat "We separated because you cheated and I was never going to take you back", every single time he brings it up (and he will, a lot!).

ETA when he says "You said you wanted space so we could work on it" you reply "I only said that to get you to leave", although wait until the divorce is done in case he decides to move back in!

Exactly. Haven't defended myself at all, what's the point?!

He keeps parroting that we both got ourselves here, that my hurt from his first episode with the ap was too much and my lack of trust ruined our marriage. When it's not it's my complaints about his lack of effort and his obsession with work that were our undoing.

The fact he didn't participate in family life or our home are by the by. He paid the bills AND put the bins out every week you know... 🤣

honestly, their delusion is off the scale. "Well yes I cheated again but I wouldnt have done that if you hadnt been so pissed off after the first time!"

Blows your fucking mind!

You are doing so well and for what it means, from a stranger on the internet, I am proud of you!

It means more than you know!

You lovely bunch have got me through all this when at times I didn't think it was survivable honestly.

But right now I can only see good things in my future, and none of those good things involve him!

Good for you!

I’m so sorry.

Also very grateful you posted, too many women on here trust their men completely and lambast those of us that know they are generally not to be trusted.

Life will be better without him, eventually.

Think you need read all of the OP's posts, its moved on somewhat

I feel like it's better already! It took me a while to fully get there, I thought I was done for a lot of the time but when he actually moved out it's like a switch flicked.
The house felt more peaceful and I realised all at once just what he'd actually put me through. I could hear my own thoughts again instead of being endlessly gaslit into questioning myself.
I also realised then that actually life was much easier without him there, I didn't need him to cope at all!

When are you getting the cat?

Well done on sticking to your guns BTW.
You're an inspiration.

Thank you. We have a couple of trips away over the summer, so cat is high on the list for after that!

The most impact full thing for me in moving from all this was realising the person I was in love with didn't exist. He was a cobbled together facade on top of a man who doesn't even seem to know who he is himself. So much of our marriage was a performance on his part and when that wasn't working he needed to turn it to someone else to get the same validation. It must be exhausting to live like that.