Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's definitely restarted the affair

776 replies

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 03/05/2026 19:46

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 25/07/2026 10:40

Thanks everyone. I had a really down afternoon yesterday. I had a little bit of good news in my life that he got wind of and he messaged me he was sad I hadn't shared it with him. I ignored him
He asked me if he could help with anything and I just replied that I'm sure he could - he caught me at a moment I was a bit overwhelmed with everything as rhe boys had come out of therapy sharing that they were angry with him. The therapist (with the boys permission) shared their anger with us both. He called me ablut it and this descended into it being my fault. I suggested he might want to apologise to the boys, That he could try and put himself in their position and how he might feel if someone did all this to his mum. That was an error I won't repeat. It's up to him to manage his relationship with the kids.
Lesson learned..

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 25/07/2026 11:41

It’s never all plain sailing is it? I don’t now how you’ve navigated through the last few months.
So he’s asked about ‘helping’ what he means is connecting to massage his ego. When you have come to him for real help - apologising to the kids - he’s gone to back to factory settings. It’s your fault, again.
He is never going to learn. He’s ‘upset’ you had good news but didn’t tell him. He is so selfish it’s unreal. Where was he to share good news with when he was online to OW or planning to meet her, or actually meeting her?
A lesson learned, as you say. The lesson is he’s self-absorbed and is living in La-la land..

NZDreaming · 25/07/2026 11:46

somehow posted same thing twice

NZDreaming · 25/07/2026 11:46

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne he thinks it’s your fault your sons are angry at him for what he’s done?!? The mental gymnastics someone would have to do to come to the conclusion is ridiculous and yet to him it comes so easily. He is so detached from reality and the impact his behaviour has on others, it astounding really and yet so utterly heartless and cruel. He’s not going to change, it’s hard to let go, you’ve shared your lives for so long and he’s been your person.

Don’t beat yourself up for moments of needing/wanting that familiar support and comfort, it’s understandable and very early days. Ultimately though every time you do go to him he will behave in the exact same way and end up hurting you more. For your own sake you should try to grey rock as much as possible, that way you don’t spiral into a conversation that ends with you being blamed and upset.

Have you considered communicating via a parenting app?

Whatbloodysummer · 25/07/2026 12:23

OP, you need to adjust how you see him so that he can't 'catch you in a moment' of weakness again.

I suggest you change his name in your phone to 'Piranha', so that every message is a reminder of exactly what he is? (i.e You're having a stressful day, would you choose a nail file or a Piranha to 'help' you with a rag nail??)

Or to 'Cheating, lying scumbag', or whatever you like, just to remind you exactly who it is you're asking for help from?

I'd also suggest, as I did previously, that you block his number and only communicate via email, as this gives YOU the control, and stops him from de-railing you with the constant intrusive messaging, as it only serves HIS purposes, NOT yours or the kids...

You need to take control and stop worrying about being 'mean' or 'cruel', because he's not messaging because he cares, he's doing it to keep you off-guard and to keep you in a 'twilight zone' where you still think of him as 'good' or 'caring'. He has shown you, time and time again, that he is neither of those things.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 25/07/2026 12:42

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 25/07/2026 10:40

Thanks everyone. I had a really down afternoon yesterday. I had a little bit of good news in my life that he got wind of and he messaged me he was sad I hadn't shared it with him. I ignored him
He asked me if he could help with anything and I just replied that I'm sure he could - he caught me at a moment I was a bit overwhelmed with everything as rhe boys had come out of therapy sharing that they were angry with him. The therapist (with the boys permission) shared their anger with us both. He called me ablut it and this descended into it being my fault. I suggested he might want to apologise to the boys, That he could try and put himself in their position and how he might feel if someone did all this to his mum. That was an error I won't repeat. It's up to him to manage his relationship with the kids.
Lesson learned..

OP, If he says something like "it's your fault" the straightforward easy way to respond without become reactive is to mirror back to him.what he thinks. This sounds like "oh so you think it's my fault. is that what you are saying" then just pause. If he insists, you mirror it back again "I see, you really think it is my fault". Pause again. This prevents escalation and stops the conversation going down this avenue. It does not mean you agree. It means he knows you heard so stays calmer. It does not make it true. It just confirms he thinks one thing (and you think another).

This technique is simply to stop this kind of nonsense. You’re not arguing, you're not agreeing. If you wait and he gets even more angry you simply say, I see, well, thanks for the call and hang up.

ThisJadeBear · 25/07/2026 13:25

Or to quote a great line from another thread the stock answer is….
There We Are Then!
as in TWA*T

Rosegard · 25/07/2026 13:48

OP, as you undoubtedly will be doing the majority of care and mental load, be wary of asking the bare minimum.

Life can throw the unexpected at you and how would you manage?

You need a buffer banked.

As children age, particularly into the mid late teens, they are vulnerable to financial manipulation by a better off parent.

They are only human and high flying dad who will fund anything can be seductive.

I'm not suggesting you go up against in that, but just that the disparity isn't stark.

Get a buffer. You need and deserve one.
Don't fall for the mistaken higher ground that leaves you struggling.

Doing it for the quiet life now would be a huge mistake.

If your solicitor is great, be guided by them to get you a good deal.

You have easily 15+ years of supporting your children.

A vain vacuous man like your Ex is so vulnerable to a new woman in his ear telling him to play hard ball.

My neighbours daughter was so reasonable with her well paid Ex husband after 20 years of marriage. He assured her that he would be her backup.

A mere 18 months later, re married and expecting another child with a much younger woman, he now has zero extra for his older children.
She wouldn't be told, was focused on the high moral ground.
Her pissed off elderly parents are now helping out in their 80's.

Financially prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You are doing great, but a lonely man, who has messed up his life, is very vulnerable to falling for the first woman that gives him attention.

Half the time these idiots in their late 40's bitterly regret their second families.
I definitely know of several.

Charlenedickens · 25/07/2026 13:53

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 25/07/2026 10:40

Thanks everyone. I had a really down afternoon yesterday. I had a little bit of good news in my life that he got wind of and he messaged me he was sad I hadn't shared it with him. I ignored him
He asked me if he could help with anything and I just replied that I'm sure he could - he caught me at a moment I was a bit overwhelmed with everything as rhe boys had come out of therapy sharing that they were angry with him. The therapist (with the boys permission) shared their anger with us both. He called me ablut it and this descended into it being my fault. I suggested he might want to apologise to the boys, That he could try and put himself in their position and how he might feel if someone did all this to his mum. That was an error I won't repeat. It's up to him to manage his relationship with the kids.
Lesson learned..

He doesn’t want to help you op. He is repeatedly proving this to you. He wants to see you as low value and unable to cope without him. He proved it again yesterday, blaming you for the son’s anger at him.

his words are manipulating uou. He is proving time and time again. He is not on uour side.he doesn’t wish to help you. He wants to know whay you’re doing, that you are struggling as you can’t cope without him. Proving your lower value

this man has not been on your team since his first affair.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/07/2026 15:27

Rosegard · 25/07/2026 13:48

OP, as you undoubtedly will be doing the majority of care and mental load, be wary of asking the bare minimum.

Life can throw the unexpected at you and how would you manage?

You need a buffer banked.

As children age, particularly into the mid late teens, they are vulnerable to financial manipulation by a better off parent.

They are only human and high flying dad who will fund anything can be seductive.

I'm not suggesting you go up against in that, but just that the disparity isn't stark.

Get a buffer. You need and deserve one.
Don't fall for the mistaken higher ground that leaves you struggling.

Doing it for the quiet life now would be a huge mistake.

If your solicitor is great, be guided by them to get you a good deal.

You have easily 15+ years of supporting your children.

A vain vacuous man like your Ex is so vulnerable to a new woman in his ear telling him to play hard ball.

My neighbours daughter was so reasonable with her well paid Ex husband after 20 years of marriage. He assured her that he would be her backup.

A mere 18 months later, re married and expecting another child with a much younger woman, he now has zero extra for his older children.
She wouldn't be told, was focused on the high moral ground.
Her pissed off elderly parents are now helping out in their 80's.

Financially prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You are doing great, but a lonely man, who has messed up his life, is very vulnerable to falling for the first woman that gives him attention.

Half the time these idiots in their late 40's bitterly regret their second families.
I definitely know of several.

So do I. I am thinking of one in particular who was a regular at the last pub I ran.

Had an affair with shiny younger woman and he was cock of the walk. She was late twenties/early thirties and he was pushing 50. And boy did he fucking love it, he thought all the other men were jealous of him and I am sure a few were but most thought he was a twat, his ex wife was very well liked and no one could understand why he left her (he was punching well above his weight with her too!). 5 short years later and he was a broken man. Well into his 50's with two pre schoolers and he looked like shit. You could see that this was not the life he had signed up for. Meanwhile his ex was living her best life, as their older kids had flown the nest. Fairly solid rumour had it that OW thought that his luxury life (big house, fancy car, luxury hols etc) would be hers now except most of the money came from ex's career, and that he had asked his ex to have him back several times!

Sadly I dont know what happened as I left that pub, but I can't help thinking hoping that second wife would have eventually left him.

goodThingGonewrong · 25/07/2026 15:45

I think now he’s out of the house, it’s easier to get a better deal without feeling emotional pressure. I let my ex off very fairly anc now as a pp has said, my elderly parents have given me financial support. I feel really bad for it. Also I can’t remember if you work or not but if you don’t, it’s time to find a job, even if it’s part time ( obviously after you get your financial settlement). Everything is x 10 more expensive with teens.

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 25/07/2026 16:51

Rosegard · 25/07/2026 13:48

OP, as you undoubtedly will be doing the majority of care and mental load, be wary of asking the bare minimum.

Life can throw the unexpected at you and how would you manage?

You need a buffer banked.

As children age, particularly into the mid late teens, they are vulnerable to financial manipulation by a better off parent.

They are only human and high flying dad who will fund anything can be seductive.

I'm not suggesting you go up against in that, but just that the disparity isn't stark.

Get a buffer. You need and deserve one.
Don't fall for the mistaken higher ground that leaves you struggling.

Doing it for the quiet life now would be a huge mistake.

If your solicitor is great, be guided by them to get you a good deal.

You have easily 15+ years of supporting your children.

A vain vacuous man like your Ex is so vulnerable to a new woman in his ear telling him to play hard ball.

My neighbours daughter was so reasonable with her well paid Ex husband after 20 years of marriage. He assured her that he would be her backup.

A mere 18 months later, re married and expecting another child with a much younger woman, he now has zero extra for his older children.
She wouldn't be told, was focused on the high moral ground.
Her pissed off elderly parents are now helping out in their 80's.

Financially prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You are doing great, but a lonely man, who has messed up his life, is very vulnerable to falling for the first woman that gives him attention.

Half the time these idiots in their late 40's bitterly regret their second families.
I definitely know of several.

"Half the time these idiots in their late 40's bitterly regret their second families.
I definitely know of several."

I'd be very grateful to hear some of these cases!

onwardsUpwardsTopwards · 25/07/2026 16:57

goodThingGonewrong · 25/07/2026 15:45

I think now he’s out of the house, it’s easier to get a better deal without feeling emotional pressure. I let my ex off very fairly anc now as a pp has said, my elderly parents have given me financial support. I feel really bad for it. Also I can’t remember if you work or not but if you don’t, it’s time to find a job, even if it’s part time ( obviously after you get your financial settlement). Everything is x 10 more expensive with teens.

😢everything is 10 X more expensive with teens, and these selfish creatures can't be arsed to think about their family & kids.

Charlenedickens · 25/07/2026 17:56

I’m not sure suggesting men regretting second families is televant to the ops thread. I think they are a long way from that happening and she really doesn’t need to get bogged down in that.

this man has ended his marriage through choice, he’s had multiple affairs and I’m sure more than the op knows about, he continually tries to manipulate her whilst doing exactly as he pleases. And treats her abysmally. ,I don’t think I’ve seen such a lack of respect. Whilst dressing it up as concern

this man isn’t looking for more kids. He’s looking to shag young hot women.

Thewookiemustgo · 25/07/2026 19:15

“Your fault” that they’re angry with him? He’s staggering @Allthegoodonesareg0ne, absolutely staggering. Great response, to turn it around into considering how he would have felt if his Dad did this to his mum. I think he thought kids’ love is unconditional and unearned and part of it is as a survival mechanism. However parental love should be and is unconditional compared to love from your children. Children want to love their parents but are allowed to get angry with them and disapprove of their behaviour. That can erode love in time so it’s well past high a time he got on board with his responsibility in all of this. The longer he blames you and is devoid of all humility and ownership, the sooner they’ll sadly see straight through him.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 25/07/2026 22:10

They had the day at his today and had a nice time. He told me when he brought them back that he'd spoken to them and confirmed they were upset yesterday 🙄. As if I'd make it up ffs.
Then proceeded to tell me his mum is arriving in 2 weeks for 10 days and so he'd like to sort some time for them to spend with her. I have been chasing him to sort this for weeks and gave up (chucked it in the list of not my problem anymore). So I told him I need to check as we have lots of plans for summer. He proceeded to make a fuss that he couldn't tell me sooner as he hadn't booked it, that I know he's never organised with that stuff and I knew the approximate window she'd be coming.
I asked if he'd actually expected me to keep the whole time clear pending his organisation to which he replied of course not but 'you knew they'd need time with her'. I stood my ground and said if he wanted extra time with them for that he should have given me more notice. It was one thing when we were together but now he's removed himself he needs to organise himself. He was most put out and made that clear in front of the kids. He's got his weekend during that time and Wednesday dinners so I said I would look and see if there is any other free time and left it at that.
I don't think there is anything in his life that is not my fault in his head.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 26/07/2026 00:27

I think he’s still trying to exert control over you and the kids, he’s being vague and last minute and he can’t just expect you to drop what you’re doing. It really sticks in his throat that you don’t care any more and only care about the kids’welfare, not his. I’d expect more of these shenanigans, I think it’s great that you stood your ground and made it clear that he needs to make requests, not demands and cannot call the shots in your life any more. Talk about desperate to keep a foot in the door. 🙄

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2026 01:20

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 25/07/2026 22:10

They had the day at his today and had a nice time. He told me when he brought them back that he'd spoken to them and confirmed they were upset yesterday 🙄. As if I'd make it up ffs.
Then proceeded to tell me his mum is arriving in 2 weeks for 10 days and so he'd like to sort some time for them to spend with her. I have been chasing him to sort this for weeks and gave up (chucked it in the list of not my problem anymore). So I told him I need to check as we have lots of plans for summer. He proceeded to make a fuss that he couldn't tell me sooner as he hadn't booked it, that I know he's never organised with that stuff and I knew the approximate window she'd be coming.
I asked if he'd actually expected me to keep the whole time clear pending his organisation to which he replied of course not but 'you knew they'd need time with her'. I stood my ground and said if he wanted extra time with them for that he should have given me more notice. It was one thing when we were together but now he's removed himself he needs to organise himself. He was most put out and made that clear in front of the kids. He's got his weekend during that time and Wednesday dinners so I said I would look and see if there is any other free time and left it at that.
I don't think there is anything in his life that is not my fault in his head.

Well of course it is all your fault! Because if it isnt your fault then it is his fault and that is a thought that he simply is not prepared to think. He needs a person to blame and there you are, all convenient.

Except that he forgot that you are no longer answerable to anyone except your kids.

As was posted on the There We Are Then thread..... "Wife Mode has been uninstalled on this device".

cowasballerina · 26/07/2026 07:05

"Wife Mode has been uninstalled on this device".

Brilliant! hope this gives you a laugh, OP!

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 26/07/2026 08:32

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2026 01:20

Well of course it is all your fault! Because if it isnt your fault then it is his fault and that is a thought that he simply is not prepared to think. He needs a person to blame and there you are, all convenient.

Except that he forgot that you are no longer answerable to anyone except your kids.

As was posted on the There We Are Then thread..... "Wife Mode has been uninstalled on this device".

🤣🤣🤣 love this!!!

OP posts:
Rosegard · 26/07/2026 12:52

@Charlenedickens you are spectacularly missing the point and clearly haven't read the OP's posts.
He's a selfish man. He's a vain man.
Both are extremely susceptible to flattery.
He has left his wife and has a non existent circle.
He never takes responsibility for anything, it is always someone else's fault.
He is extremely dishonest and not yo be trusted.

I'm in my 60's, a retired professional woman, married to a high flyer for 35 years.
I play tennis and golf.

I've seen it all.
Many devastated women thrown aside by arseholes that thought they deserved better.

The clever women get the best settlements.
They do not allow grief and sadness cloud their financial.
They accept they can't go back in time in their marriags, but they can make sure they don't bitterly regret accepting a poor financial settlement.

I accept that I am in a very privileged setting, but even I know that teens are expensive, between music lessons, sports, holidays with friends, unexpected opportunities that come up for school trips......all before university, driving lessons etc.

He can make the grand gesture to "always support his twin girls" as my neighbours husband did.
She was on 80k, him 250k. They split the fine house and she is now in her small 3 bed, morgage free.

He now doesn't believe driving lessons are necessary and has refused them.
Driving lessons are considered a very basic necessary skill here with teens, and he is now saying they are not necessary.
He's a twat.Her parents are now funding them.

His new wife is all over his finances and nothing beyond what was originally agreed is being entertained.
Her lovely mum is confiding in me that they are supporting her, but pissed. She ignored her solicitor who tried to push her to ask for more.

She now regrets it. Her children are paying the price.

Everything you nail down in the agreement is ultimately a buffer for your children.

Expect NOTHING from him and you will not be disappointed.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 28/07/2026 09:37

I've had the best few days of peace. Less messaging from him and the kids and I have really got into the swing of just the three of us.
He came to collect something yesterday and looked awful. Clearly isn't sleeping and was very low. I can't say I cared much. He tried to offer me some reassurance that he's not back with ow but I honestly don't care. I didn't think I'd ever get to that point.
They miss him, but they are doing great on the whole. We've had lots of friends visit and seeing the look on their faces when I talk about how things have been has been very helpful in overcoming some of the gaslighting from him.
I'm feeling happier and more positive than I have for years.
I met a guy yesterday while out walking the dog and he asked me out. I said yes this time. I'm not convinced that's the right thing to have done but don't see the harm in a coffee and a dog walk. It made me feel good to be chatting to him

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 28/07/2026 09:51

Re the man and the dog walk.
Normally I would say to anyone in your position, don’t. You are far too vulnerable. Men often spot women coming out of a relationship and home in on them and cause them more damage.
They are often aware you are vulnerable because they already know you.
However, I think you have been through an awful lot. I should imagine the last thing you want is another partner. This guy is out walking his dog and you were - as you say what harm can a coffee and a walk do?
My only advice would be keep it as light as possible. Women who have been let down are often longing for connection and to men this can often be a great road into sex.
You have had your life trampled on by this man of yours - or ex, as he now is.
I would say go for it. You may have been through an awful time but you’ve long since disconnected from your ex.
Have a bit of fun for once instead of listening to him drone on about himself.
You are doing brilliantly and so are your DC.

Rosegard · 28/07/2026 11:17

Absolutely delighted for you.
I don't mean to patronise but honestly it is so common.
Women whom have been given the run a round by selfish men for years, existing in a fog, suddenly wake up from it when they have space and peace.

I have seen it up close in older women whose controlling selfish husbands die.

The stress just slides off them like a heavy coat that weighed them down.

They feel inexplicably lighter and often within weeks look years younger.

Be careful of confusion though with a new man.
You deserve a little head peace.

I have no doubt whatsoever that he will want to try again.
So get your head straight and your finances settled.

Don't under estimate his selfishness.
There is every likelihood that he will want to come home.

But he would still do this again within a year or two.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

You have a great future ahead of you.
The children will be fine.
Stability is what they need now more than anything.
You really have got this.

Charlenedickens · 28/07/2026 12:33

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 28/07/2026 09:37

I've had the best few days of peace. Less messaging from him and the kids and I have really got into the swing of just the three of us.
He came to collect something yesterday and looked awful. Clearly isn't sleeping and was very low. I can't say I cared much. He tried to offer me some reassurance that he's not back with ow but I honestly don't care. I didn't think I'd ever get to that point.
They miss him, but they are doing great on the whole. We've had lots of friends visit and seeing the look on their faces when I talk about how things have been has been very helpful in overcoming some of the gaslighting from him.
I'm feeling happier and more positive than I have for years.
I met a guy yesterday while out walking the dog and he asked me out. I said yes this time. I'm not convinced that's the right thing to have done but don't see the harm in a coffee and a dog walk. It made me feel good to be chatting to him

Good for you and your self esteem must be soaring, you’ve been asked out twice in as many weeks! That’s an ego boost if eve I saw one.

and I’m glad you’re finding it easier, no one can live under the sort of shitty constant pressure he put you under and not feel better when that alleviates.

i hope you told him you didn’t give a shit and to feel free to contact the ow.