He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

I had therapy today, and I was full of positivity and confidence whilst going through the process of reflecting on where the signs were that the relationship wasn't for me (not in a way to blame myself, or him for that matter but to recognise where I overrode my intuition and ignored the red flags).
As part of that session my therapist read back her notes from 2023 when I started seeing her. Bare in mind that's a year before the first affair. I was lonely, had lost myself, was utterly overwhelmed with life, had lost direction and was struggling to not be buried under my wife and mother roles. It was shocking to hear.
And then today I was full of self trust, independence and positivity.

I thought I'd share that as i hadn't put it together myself quite so starkly. The fear of losing a relationship that was actually slowly suffocating me is bonkers to reflect on!

The free me is so much better!

Oh and I had another date wirh someone new at the weekend, an introduction from a friend and it went so well, seeing him again this weekend!

I should add I had stbx dropping the kids back after dinner today sobbing that he was sorry..

I just said I appreciate the apology, take good care of yourself and I'll see you when you pick them up Friday 🤷‍♀️

Twat.
Him, not you.
🤣

And it's lovely to read your very positive updates.

So happy that things are going well for you.
I love this update! I hope your second date goes well xx

Love love love what you said in return for his apology, and love reading your updates, you are doing so well, and so so much tester than the loser you were married to,

So pleased things are going well for you. Be careful though OP, he seems manipulative, I wouldn’t be surprised if his next steps is threatening to harm himself. Just because this often seems to happen when their usual pattern isn’t working.

Thank you. Yes I've got my eyes open to this. My solicitor actually warned me of this too!
I met with her earlier this week to finalise the financial disclosure. At the moment we have asked for voluntary disclosure. Funny enough the response from his solicitor was essentially that he doesn't want to do that as we agreed on the finances between us.
But since I found out he lied about his salary I'm not signing until we have the full picture.
He's not trustworthy with anything as far as I'm concerned!

Thanks so much for the support everyone, it means the world!
I do get the occasional pang of sadness, but not really about him more just that the family and relationship I had pictured wasn't what I thought it was.
I get a bit of guilt sometimes too that he seems to be struggling where I'm thriving.
But I think that's to be expected.
It helped so much to see evidence that I wasn't actually happy even before the affairs when I would have said I had a happy marriage. I feel genuinely happy now 😊

What a fantastic set of updates! It was great that your therapist could read back those notes.
As for him being unhappy well there were months and months there where he was having an affair and you were suffering. And he didn’t give a shit. He’s going to have to learn that actions have consequences.
Good luck on your date!

Lovely to hear the clarity and authenticity you finally have in your life @Allthegoodonesareg0ne .
That’s where true peace of mind, personal freedom and happiness lies, living an authentic life where you have the freedom to be you and the freedom to choose what’s best for you.
Regret is a terrible thing and there’s no doubt that’s where he is now. Some people train-wreck their lives and happily, the penny drops and they use it as a catalyst for change and dealing with their issues.
They tend to be the people who look in their own back yard for answers, without blaming anyone or anything else.
All he ever did was blame others, then cry “woe is me” instead of asking himself what he could have done better or asking himself what the hell is wrong with him.
He’s still hand-wringing and thinks saying “sorry”demonstrates change. He needs to demonstrate change through actions and behave like an adult and role model for his children now, by sorting himself out and being honest and responsible throughout the divorce.
But you know what? These are all his responsibilities and his problems and not yours to try to manage for him any more. In fact, they never, ever were in the first place.
Onwards and I wish you all the very, very best. X

Exactly - you tell him that you only agreed on the finances based on lies that he had told you!

Even now when he is crying poor me….you have further proof that he is still a selfish man at heart who will always put his own interests first. To the point that he is trying to con his children, and the mother of his children, out of money they are legally entitled to in a split.

Ok this may be what’s behind his behaviour. I thought this earlier, he wants to not give you as much money as you’re entitled to,

this is one manipulative piece of work. I’m fairly sure once it’s done you won’t see him for dust, or if he’s skint it will ramp up.

get this done correctly and get whay you’re entitled to. Don’t let him manipulate you.

I get a bit of guilt sometimes too that he seems to be struggling where I'm thriving.

Actions have consequences. The flaws in his plans were glaringly obvious and I'm sure you weren't shy in earlier days of pointing this out to him (before you started grey-rocking him to protect your sanity). This slow motion car crash was always going to end much worse for him than for you. He was just too pig-headed to think it through. You have no culpability whatsoever.

Op the fact he doesn’t want to do the financial disclosure but stick to what was agreed says there is a significant difference to whay you’re entitled to and what you’ve agreed, you’re entitled to much more.

OP, ask about a forensic accountant.
In two relatively amicable divorces I know, this was the best money spent.

It turned out there were other accounts and one long hidden kne with a sister, involving 400k....it was in both siblings names, but funds her husband had siphoned off via free lance consulting.

You never know!

Oh, and i would put money on the fact those tears were about the financials as much as anything.
Highly manipulative.
Don't fall for it.
Keep to the line, better full transparency so there is no future confusion and everyone knows where they stand.

OP, how are you now? Have you fully recovered from your operation and has he moved out?

I love this for you! I hope the second date is good too. Keep us posted

Let’s see how the disclosure goes. Like you say he clearly can’t be trusted and now’s the time to fight for every penny since your in a much better head space!

Absolutely LOVE these updates @Allthegoodonesareg0ne So happy for you! ❤️

Stbx picked up the kids yesterday and was full on charm. Said having children and a wife enhanced his life and has been thinking about how much it negatively impacted mine (I love our kids, of course, but due to their additional needs I was a sahm for a long time). He said he's behind with his work still and no longer has me to blame for pulling on his time 🙄
He wants to understand better my experience blah blah.
I'm writing down and re reading everything he put me through so when he's doing this I can revisit that.
I am anxious to firmly put him in his place as I know the other side of him is likely to reappear but I've asked my solicitor to chase him for his disclosure.
Honestly I wish he'd just move away and live with her!

Jesus, I actually think there is something wrong with him. He is so utterly manipulative and treats you like some pitiful excuse for a woman. He wants to better understand your experience, I hope you laughed in his face, experience of what, when he told you he started shagging fhe other woman as he’d already decided your marriage was over, even though he’d not communicated that to you? Or right now when he’s refusing to do the financial disclosure and looks like he’s trying to manipulate you to get out of you taking your fair share, what experience does he wish to know more about. Maybe the experience of not being gaslit and lied to daily?

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne

I've only just discovered this thread and honestly, marvel at your strength and determination to carve out a new chapter for yourself and your children.

Just a wee word of caution, he "may" well be just realising the reality of his actions and their impact on his life so when he says "he wants to understand better my experience blah blah", give him nothing of your thoughts, that can wait.

You are still in negotiations to achieve what you need for yourself and the children, try to keep it business-like and guard your emotional vulnerabilties until everything is signed.

As you can see from this thread, there are many of us who are sending positivity and wishing you all the very best.

Stay strong @Allthegoodonesareg0ne 💪

Thank you. My thought process is he doesn't deserve access to my feelings or thoughts, positive or negative. He gets the same version of me now that anyone else I don't know well enough to trust, or that makes me wary gets. I'm polite and nothing more.

He seems to be interpreting that as I'm not angry or hurt anymore. And to some extent that is true, I'm not digging into those feelings on a daily basis but they've taught me a lesson I won't forget.

Somewhere in all of this I rediscovered the capable and resilient me and I'm not about to let her disappear again! I'm not going to let this harden me either. I wasn't wrong to trust and love him, he was wrong to abuse it.

He wants to understand better my experience blah blah.

"Oh I see! Well since you asked my current experience is that I am waiting for full financial disclosure from you. Could you make some progress with that and let me know when it’s done? Thanks."