He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

“Understand better my experience.” For the love of Pete…..
Try not knowing what’s real and what isn’t in any area of your life, constant anxiety, knowing the person you loved and trusted lies to you and would rather put their love and energy into another woman than you and your children, try your whole life being upended, living in constant pain and longing for a normal life, doubting the veracity of your past, living the hell of your present and having no clue what your future might look like….I could fill a book with what this shit feels and looks like.
He’s got no right to your thoughts and feelings and no right to plod about in your past with his size 11 hobnail boots on. How dare he?
I’d tell him that you’ve put your thoughts and feelings about it all in the past now, are moving on successfully and have no desire to discuss something with him that alters nothing. Suggest he does the same which is as polite a ‘fuck off’ as I’d be able to manage.
Just no, @Allthegoodonesareg0ne , no.
He’s got no right at all to your mind and thoughts. None. How bloody dare he want to “try to understand “ now??? Too bloody late. This has made me hopping mad on your behalf!

The worst part is I knew this would happen. I know him well enough to know he was making selfish decisions in the moment. That he would regret when reality came to his door.
But I knew that because I know he is selfish and because I know he's lacking in anything but performative empathy.
He's regretful because its affecting him. When it was me hurting and me scared and me humiliated, when it was his children scares and hurting and confused, he was sleeping like a baby.

Always the way. They are not sorry for what they did but sorry for having to face the consequences.

"Wait.....so I can't just do what I want and skip happily into the sunset? THATS NOT FAIR!!!"

Exactly. I’m a million miles removed from this but you don’t have to be Derren Brown to see that he’d absolutely taken a holiday from his sensible self and reality and regret we’re going to bite hard. But you’re right, he just wants his wrecked life back to a comfy normal. If he wasn’t such an arse I’d feel sorry for him.

He’s not asking to come back, it would appear he’s trying to keep the on sweet for three reasons, first is money , he doesn’t want to do this disclosure but stick with whay they agreed, which screams she’s entitled to a lot more. Two/ he wants a fall back position, should his new Austin powers shagtastic life not work out and 3 ego, she’s supposed to be the loser, not him, so he wants her to want him back , not be able to do better than him, and no one to think badly of him,

all this having a back bone, a life and being happy was not the way he envisaged this going

I bet he has been thinking about how much having kids and no wife does NOT enhance his life. You can say sweetly I’m so glad you’re understanding, have you completed the financial disclosures yet?

Oh this is 100% about him and trying to cover all bases.
He thinks he is so clever and so far ahead of you.
He is not entitled to any further discussion about the marriage.
It is over and the finances need to be crystal clear to everyone.
He is not to be trusted.

When this happened to a tennis friend of mine, it turned out it was because he had been told by an indiscreet relative about a huge inheritance that had been left to her parents, which would inevitably trickle down to her.
He also decided married life suited him better than he realised that his younger affair partner wasn't so appealing full-time.

She kept him sweet and told him that she wanted the divorce to be finalised and perhaps when things were calmer they could re look at the relationship.

She hadn't a notion of it.
Once the divorce was finalised she wouldn't so much as let him past the gate of her new house, that her parents gave her rent free to live in.
It was signed over to her a couple of years later.
She reduced her hours and with teen children and no man child to humour, life has never been better.
She looks years younger.

You know he is a liar and a cheater, screwing financially is not a stretch for men like this.

He's asked this afternoon to come back 🤣
I've slightly tried to stall him while waiting for the disclosures. I said I need space and we both need to see if we are happier alone or apart.
He asked by text, he said he think we've broken the cycle we were living in.. 🙄

Bhahahaaa you have most certainly broken the cycle, well done you!

yeah he doesn’t want to do the disclosure at all. I think you really need to just tell him this is done op

I totally understand why you’re trying to keep him sweet but I think that while he thinks there’s a chance he’ll say there’s no point doing the financial disclosure because why bother if you’re going to get back together….

I think telling him that you’re done might aggravate him but it’s the only way the divorce is going to proceed….

Yes, I think you need to be brutally clear with him now. ‘We’re done, and I’m pursuing full disclosure of your finances.’

I bet he doesn’t sleep like a baby after that.

Yes you need to be clear unless you’re considering taking him back, which I really hope for your sake you are not. Your future self will thank you.

i don’t get it though, he consistently thinks you wish him back. It is incredibly odd.

To me it was always a matter of time before he asked to come back and he didn’t take long. I think your response was perfect @Allthegoodonesareg0ne , at present you need amicable from him for the moment, no matter how much it sticks in your throat.

Yup, you have indeed 'broken the cycle' OP, and he's not happy about it at all, lol.

He's still trying to gaslight you into forgetting about all his betrayals and to repaint history, thereby seeing that it wasn't his fault that he cheated...

It's all so that he can come back and say 'Look, maybe it's better that we split permanently, but it'll be much cheaper and easier on you & the kids if we agree the financial split ourselves, cos the solicitors cost thousands for something we can agree on ourselves... Or if you want to, we could try again?

You're far too far along the self discovery road to fall for that shit, but he doesn't know that, so he'll try it regardless.

Ooohhh, or he's going for the guilt trip of 'But I don't want a divorce, I want us to get back together' so he can use your 'guilt' at rejecting him to soften you up and feel sorry for him, thereby relenting on forcing him to report all financials...

Oh it's just getting worse..
Today he brought the kids back and asked me if actually I'm actually dating someone properly now. I said its none of his business and if at some point there is someone serious ill let him know before any introductions to the children, but that for now there is nothing to tell.
We then had a very dramatic 'I knew it, I knew it' before he went and made a show of heaving into a Bush (we were chatting in the garden away from the kids).
I don't think I've ever rolled my eyes so loudly in my life. He said I've broken his heart, can't believe I've moved so quick he must have meant nothing to me ..

Obviously I'm not having another relationship, I'm going on a second date ffs. He must have heard on the grapevine. But none of his business anyway.

It gave me a good chance anyway to be firm and say we are not together, please file the paperwork for the disclosure. He dramatically announced that 'oh I will, I'm not hanging about for you any longer'.

So I guess mission accomplished?!

I'm actually sat now a bit baffled! It's like he's living in a parallel universe. I'm starting to think there might be something really up wirh his mental health. I'm seeing mutual friends this evening (stbx best friend and his wife) so I might mention to them that I'm worried. I don't want to take on the role of worrying about his wellbeing. I know that sounds mean but I'm afraid it'll pull too close.

There’s nothing wrong with his mental health!

He's not "hanging on for you any longer"?
Good!

What a twat he is.

You're doing really well @Allthegoodonesareg0ne

There's nothing wrong with his mental health. He just fucked up and can't deal with admitting this to himself.

Thank you all.

He was so unbelievably dramatic. And then we had more tears.

He tried telling me he knew I'd been different the last few weeks so he guessed there was someone else. It's nothing to do with anyone else I'm just not crying myself to sleep everyday anymore for him and am feeling content with where I am!

I'm currently ignoring a bunch of I'm sorry texts.

This is really abnormal behaviour. Like properly abnormal needs help level of behaviour, I think he shouldn’t be alone with the kids.

I would do exactly what you’re doing and not rise to this. My ex h was desparate to blame me for our divorce (he had an affair with a work colleague and left me for her. We had two young children).
‘I was the ‘crazy bitter ex’ who took all his money.’
I was actually the distraught cheated on wife who had to take him to Court for maintenance for the children.
‘I was having an affair with an old friend of ours. ‘
I wasn’t.
You know the truth. He knows the truth. But he doesn’t like it so soon he’ll try telling his family that you cheated on him. Be prepared for him to try to rewrite the narrative.
And crack on with the financial disclosure. You need to have your logical, non emotional head on now OP.
Good luck, it all worked out for me. 💐

There’s sod all wrong with him.
He didn’t give one toss about your mental health when others were probably quite rightly worried about you.
This is the reality - he wasn’t sure if things would work out with OW so he planned to move out, see how things panned out, probably have a few other casual shags whilst you were at home pining for him.
He would do nothing for you in terms of finances because you would be sad.
And you well you’ve just been appalling*. After not understanding he needed to have the affair the first time, you then drove him to do it again. And how dare you expect him to be a father when he needed to go in another room and go online and have online sex with a young woman whose marriage and family have been devastated.
And then, you terrible woman, you only needed a flipping hysterectomy. The absolute cheek of you after bearing his children.
After weeks and months of all this drama where he was the main character and you have been terrible - trying to get on and look after your DC - you’ve only gone and been on a couple of casual dates.
No wonder he was dry heaving into a bush. That’s a true sign of his version of CPTSD**
aka C&nty Pretend Traumatic Selfish Dogmove.
*you are amazing
*no offence to anyone with real CPTSD which I have. No doubt this man will go there next. And I reckon he’s STILL in touch with the OW!

🤣 this is just what I needed to see! Thank you!