He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

I don’t think this was wise. You could have waited until you had the financial consent order finalised. He can still throw spanners in the divorce process. Best keep your cool and your powder dry.

Thank you. I don't regret trying but it's definitely more brutal this time around.
We are 2 years past the first time so we both knew triggers would still be happening and until March he handled them kindly and compassionately. I think its obvious he's searching for excuses for restarting the affair. Much easier to get her adoration and validation than have to put the effort in for mine. At least its now and not 10 years down the line. I'm 45 this year so still time to find someone worth my time

This is good advice I hadn't considered. Thank you. I'm much cooler and calmer today. Having him in the spare room has helped immensely. He'd had to stay with me in our room up until now as we didn't want the kids to know until he had a new place sorted but that ship sailed when they heard me upset yesterday. I'll keep it all to myself from here.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne, I am so sorry that you are having to go through so much pain again. What a truly manipulative and abusive cunt he is, lying, cheating scumbag.

Please be gentle with yourself, you will need to keep your strength up. Having an emotional trauma such as this will impact you massively, remember to drink plenty of water, soups and smoothies are easier to handle than solid food. Give yourself time to process everything, rest when you can, give your mind and heart a break now and again by doing things that you find calming, walking in nature, reading a good book, watching something on tv, etc.

Do you have a good support network around you?

Maybe pop to your dr's and for help if you need it, just whilst you are getting over this traumatic shock. Your GP may be able to refer you for counselling, added support is always helpful.

Make sure that you have copies of all paperwork, pensions, savings etc. Might be worth dividing any savings and putting yours where he can not get it. He is enemy n° 1 now and not to be trusted to do the right thing.

Lastly sending you (((hugs))) 💐

Ps, (((hugs))) for your children also

You're in much more of a better position than him. He's in a fairytale, wearing rose coloured glasses, that won't have a happy ending. Doesn't matter which way you look at it, it's a shit outcome for him.Surely the OW can't know he's not intending to move back at least until his children are adults and maybe not even then? She's desperate and to not realise that if he really wanted to be with her then he would've moved back already. He's thinking with his dick. Wouldn't we all want to escape the everyday realities for a fantasy for a while without any responsibilities?
You've dealt with this once, you'll deal with it again but hopefully it'll be easier this time. Being final in your head is better than being in doubt. Now you know what you're dealing with and know what direction you're heading in. Ironically, he's now the one in limbo! Angry for you that he blamed you for the triggers he is responsible for. 🙄 Use any anger you have to power through.

It’s great that you have a good lawyer, but knowledge is power. Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies are useful resources.

Don’t let him fleece you 💐

He’ll regret it eventually OP.

Thank you all so much. I'm so grateful.
Feeling much stronger today and just had a great therapy session where I cried for what has been and what will not be but also highlighted that he isn't a person with the emotional capacity for a relationship long term. Fine when it's light and fluffy but not the honesty and emotional openness required for a secure marriage.
I will heal. He will regret his choices. I will be happy regardless of what he does or does not do with his life after me.

Oh I am so sorry! I was on your other thread maybe under a different user name. I really thought you guys were out of the other end. I’m so sorry he has done it again. And that you have to go through the surgery :(
I am so angry for you. Well done for picking up all the vibes that something was off. Can someone else look after you and the children instead of having him there? I say this from experience but you will be feeling mentally and physically vulnerable. I haven’t had the same surgery however I know how I felt :(

Bless you lovely. He’s an idiot shithead, to give him his full title. If this was me @Allthegoodonesareg0ne I’d do the same. He’s an ungrateful bastard after the gift you gave him that he didn’t deserve.
I’ve always been in your corner, whatever you decided to do. He’s had his chance. Would be the way I would look at it and as devastated as I absolutely also would be, in my opinion you only get one chance, if any. Blow it and their former words are meaningless, you’d never trust again.
Don’t regret or beat yourself up for any of your choices, they were based on different circumstances at the time.
That’s changed now, not at your hands, he’ll be lucky if anyone wants to talk to him again.
Hardly trashed his life for a bed of roses has he? It’s more thorns than flowers and exactly what he deserves.
Please take good care of yourself, although it does nothing to help you, please know that I’m genuinely furious on your behalf. Stupid bloody men!

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne you just have to keep turning the pages. There's always another chapter.

Thank you. The knots he's twisting himself in to justify it all would actually be funny if it wasn't my life! I asked him if he'd told his therapist (that he's been seeing for a few months) that he's talking to her again and he said no because it's totally separate and nothing to do with anything with us 🙄

Today I've been basically ignoring him. Just being polite around the kids. He's fussing about offering me coffee, cooking dinner, asking me to eat more etc. Its ridiculous. I scheduled half an hour in his calendar for after the kids go to bed to discuss finances for the divorce and then I'm going to bed away from him. I can't even look at him today.

They can do that because it meant nothing to them already. They are just an empty person inside.

Jesus! The reason why you are not eating is because you are so upset! Doesn’t see the damage he’s doing to you . Im

Your husband is a complete fool. He's blown his life up for a woman that lives in another country, who he doesn't really know. How on earth does he realistically think he's going to have a relationship with her??? Unless he's planning on abandoning his children, then he has no choice but to stay living in his current country (I assume the UK). To be a couple, this woman will need to move, because she has no ties. It's a non-starter before it's even started!

I'm glad you have sought a divorce. It's bloody awful when you decide to give someone a second chance, only to be proved that you shouldn't have bothered. You now know where you stand. Your husband has shown his true colours, and you need to believe him. Take comfort in the fact that you WILL go on to have a much better life.

He's getting off seeing you in pain.

His ego is exploding, thinks he's God.

Don't worry, he's going to lose alot, he just doesn't understand that yet.
Complete fool who is way beneath your level.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne I know you are strong but I don’t think you should be sitting down to discuss finances with your husband. It should now be find via solicitors as you are not on even ground. You are hurt and vulnerable where as he is in an emotionally better place as he cut any care of you off when he restarted this affair. Please consider this so you get a fair deal and a solictor negotiating will have a much clearer picture of what is fair..

im so sorry OP - I honestly think with some men it’s more of an escape from reality thing and an ego boost and the idea they can ‘still pull’ -I’m sure he is going to regret this but in the heat of the moment that doesn’t feel of much consolation I know - you sound fab and there’s no point being someone's ‘option’ -

Sokicitor suggested we look at it together first as their costs get high fast with that stuff. If we have a chance to agree something together it'll save a lot. If we can't then the solicitor will take care of it x

Yep. I'm a stone down since march and 3 and half stone down since his first affair.
I've not been this thin since my teens. Doesn't give a shit

I'm so sorry you're going through this @Allthegoodonesareg0ne 💐

This evening has taken the biscuit.
The only thing I've asked him for is that he stops engaging with her while he's still living here, at least when I'm around, so I'm not constantly tortured by him sneaking around with his phone. He promised (not that that means anything).
When he was having his affair (remotely) first time, he started walking the dog at odd times - it was to chat to her.
Today he wanted to put the TV show we watch each night with the kids on early so they could get to bed earlier to be ready for school. As it was coming to the end he started banging on about needing to walk the dog. I said the dog is fine. He went on. I said the dog doesn't need walking. He went on again so I said calmly if you need to make a call just bloody go and do it and leave the dog out of it! He huffed, I went up with the kids and out he went with the dog.
Pointless to expect an ounce of decency from him

i hope she dumps him when the reality sets in. And stays with her husband. They are both awful tbh and deserve each other.
He does not seem to have an ounce of constraint for the sake of saving your feelings it’s like he’s transformed again into this man you no longer know.