He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

It does seem like he really thinks he can keeps you warm on the side if things don’t work out. What an absolute cockwomble. I would limit communication as much as possible. Definitely ignore him fishing for how you are and what you’re doing. None of his business any more.

I’m not even sure it would be the cheating or lying for me, the gaslighting. I think it would be the shame and humiliation of being treated like some sad desperate woman who will let him treat her like shit and take him back, exchange pleasantries via text and be available to support him when required, even fuck him if he asked.

i don’t think i could ever get past the utter loss of dignity in that.

Ignoring him is so wise.
He will definitely want to continue to use you as a therapist.
Do not respond.

Best for the children if he doesn't enter the house at all.
Continue with your changes to decoration and move furniture around too, move pictures.

"Lose" your keys and get new locks.....

Any pushback from him focus all conversation on the huge confusion this must be for a second time for the children and that you are solely focused on them moving forward.

Yeah OP, he's going to try his hardest to 'keep the homefires burning' by contacting you every bloody 5 mins either asking how you are (like he actually gives a shiny shit!) or asking about the kids.

But he real reasons he's contacting you are;

1. He needs to keep up contact to stop you actually having any time to think clearly and actually 'move on' from him emotionally or practically.
2. He want to keep dumping all his emotional baggage on you and make you feel responsible for his current 'woes'. (Because, after all, he can't expect AP to listen as he's currently feeding her the 'I've left my W for you!' line, so he can't let her know he's not happy, can he? Lol.)
3. He wants to ensure he still has you in his back pocket, just in case his shiny new life doesn't work how he wants it to, so he'll continually be asking what you're doing etc, likely daily, but especially when he's got the kids, cos he knows 100% that you won't 'avoid' his calls when he's got them. So be prepared for lots of 'I just need to ask you...' or 'The kids are upset' type contact calls. It's just to ensure you're always at home, at his beck & call, instead of being out and actually (God forbid!) having any kind of 'fun' or 'social life'.

The more distant you can keep his 'contact', the better. No phone calls or visits.
Stick to the times agreed for having the kids, no exceptions (for now at least).
Create a new email for him to use to discuss any child related matters and tell him you'll be blocking his number, so ALL contact has to be via the new email account.

You could also set up a shared diary so you are both able to see any appointments/school info/classes etc the kids have, so that there's zero need for any conversations about who's got what, when etc.

This means that you're not being constantly distracted by him and you're not dragged back into his 'emotional manipulations' daily. It also means that any and all contact is written and documented, should you need to be able to prove he can't care for the kids properly.

I don't see it as my loss of dignity.

He might think he can worm his way back but I know he can't.

I've acted in line with my values throughout. I have two kids who are already happier and more relaxed and I'm showing up for them every day regardless of what their Father does.

I don't see his flaws as my failings 😊

The universe is on my side today - my solicitor has sent him all the financial disclosure stuff today with a letter about how I feel the marriage has irretrievably broken down.
It's just coincidence that they sent it today but good timing.

No no you misunderstand me,I wasn’t saying you’d lost your dignity, I was saying he is treating you like you have none. He clearly seems to think his messages are welcome, that the door is open if he wants to come back. The man thinks you’ve no dignity and are so desperate you’d allow that. The fact you wouldn’t means he’s wrong, but there is no way round the fact that’s how he’s treating you.

Hopefully that puts a stop to his behaviour and good morning texts and requests to pop round.

Absolutely. I think he has such high importance in his head, such entitlement along with such a view of me as having such little value that why wouldn't I fall over myself to have such an amazing specimen of a man 🤣
He had another winge before leaving that I'd continued to make changes in the house despite knowing his feelings about it. He was very perturbed when I pointed out, again, he cannot expect life here to freeze because he's decided to move out. That doesn't just include the house, that includes fun things me and the kids will do without him and at some point in tbe future other men. He was again most put out!

It’s just such odd behaviour he really seems to think he’s it for you and he can do as he pleases, it’s utterly bizzare entitled behaviour without a shred of decency , compassion or empathy. It’s narcissistic. The fact he’s shagging another woman doesn’t seem to be relevant to him. It’s like he feels he’s entitled to do this.

id imagine he will be even more put out when he sees the letter and realises there is more to you than he’s given you credit for.

As predicted more messages this afternoon. How am I, would I like him to come with me to the kids therapy appointment tomorrow.
I'm ignoring them.
Re. The solicitors he's already annoyed that I chose an excellent one with a reputation for being the best in family law. He cannot understand why I would choose a 'bulldog' solicitor when he's prepared to be so reasonable. Nothing to do with the fact he's a proven liar, or the fact he lied to me about his salary. Definitely not.

God, how dare you. You are running amok now.
I think that letter will slightly alter his mood? Won’t be quite so keen on being the nice guy when he realises he can’t soft soap you.

Wow that’s bad, he’s gone but he is moving into hassling you now. I guess he will go quiet when he’s shagging his new piece. Past that he’s maybe trying to keep you sweet for the settlement money,, that could be it. See if he can limit whay you get,

Also op by doing this he gets fo show how involved he is with the kids, how nice he was to you, and can show it in court. Alternatively he’s thinking if he involves you you need to involve him so he gets to keep watch

it’s also absolving him of solo parenting. So when he’s unavailable you pick up the slack.

stick to the rules, don’t engage , the man is trying to achieve something and I’m not sure it’s coming back, he could have fixed this and not left. He’s where he wants to be, and is attempting to manipulate you for a reason.

its highly unusual for a cheating spouse whose ended his marriage to behave like this, and part of me is now wondering if this is about money, and doing you out of it,

I've given up trying to guess! Im not seeking anything extraordinary in the divorce and I've been advised it's well within what a court would grant if it came to that. I could likely push for more but it's enough for me to manage with the kids, keep us in the house and secure my retirement. So I don't think there is any financial angle for him.
I knew he'd be hit with the reality of actually moving out. He is incapable of thinking ahead in any logical sense and has always hated to be on his own. So I think in the absence of anybody local to keep him company he's reaching out to me. Hopefully some woman who actually lives in the country will take my spot soon enough.
I've surprised myself even writing that, I genuinely don't care.

Hear hear! You are a lesson in dignity. You did all you could to save your marriage and he was the one who lost integrity, dignity and common decency. You behaved with dignity throughout, you set your stall out and put boundaries in place and he failed, not you. ❤️

Good for you, although I’d go for more, as he will negotiate it down, it should be 50 50 as a starting point.

Thank you, as always! X

The solicitors are going in a bit higher, but they have no doubt I'll get what I really want / need. My needs are quite reasonable. He can keep the rest. He thinks working all hours is worth it over seeing his kids only every other weekend so he can enjoy his cash while I enjoy our kids 😊
What I need is enough to keep us secure.

More messages! Do I need anything, how am I, how are the kids, can he do anything for me. I didn't reply to any of the earlier ones, just replied that the kids are happy and looking forward to seeing him at the weekend

Do you need anything? Well yes, you need him to fuck right off!

Tempting to reply "Some peace and quiet would be nice......."

I’d really grey stone, not engage, message was fine, but honestly if he does it again, just say I would communicate if any issues, assume fine unless I say,no need to keep asking.

it is really moving to harassment.

I think its fine for him to ask after the kids, we would be slagging him off if he didnt!

So I would ignore everything else and just answer anything related to the kids, that means he has nothing to use against you if he decides you are alienating them.

"Kids are fine, they are looking forward to the weekend" is fine, its all that needs to be said.

This is perfect