He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

It’s human nature to look to see if we should blame ourselves or try to see where we went wrong when others, especially those we love, harm us.
However:
NEVER forget this about infidelity: you did not cause this.
It was a free choice and he chose it. You are not responsible for his choices, he didn’t have to choose to do this. We are only responsible for our own behaviour.
When someone has other options in the face of their perceived difficulties, yet they choose to do something harmful, that’s entirely on them.
He’s a grown man who understands right from wrong and understands that he could have chosen honesty but he didn’t. You had no influence over that choice, you carry no responsibility or blame for what was a free choice.
Relationship issues are separate to infidelity, a relationship is a 50/50 responsibility split. Infidelity is a choice made only by the cheat, therefore is 100% their responsibility. You did nothing to cause it. You didn’t tell him to choose cheating over honesty.
It was a free choice by a man who decided to fool you rather than man up and be honest.
All his own work, nothing to do with you. X

We’re here for you 💐. You’ll find your feet and feel better soon.
Will you change the locks so he doesn’t expect to walk into your home.

It was never over op, I think you know that. He is a snivelling self serving lying fool. Today will be hard, try tk take yourself off some where so you don’t sit and watch, do something nice and hsve a few treats for dinner.

Yes being in touch with her explains why he hopes he can come back rather than actually making an effort to repair your relationship now. (Not that you want that) He wants to try and see how it pans out with her and can come back if it doesn’t work out.

They are both pathetic but she’s got nothing left so it makes sense why she is willing to give it an go. She must have low self esteem (or he’s an amazing liar and manipulator!) to allow him to ghost her and then pull her back in over and over again

Regardless you will feel so free not being part of it anymore. If she wants to waste the best years of her life with a selfish, entitled man who will always put his needs first then let her. Your future is brighter. You have friends and family who care and respect you. Men who want to date you. And your home to find peace in.

I suspect as the reality of moving out has kicked in he’s got back in touch (if he had ever stopped) as some men just can’t be alone for a minute. Leave him to it, keep focusing on getting through every day and moving forward. You’re doing brilliantly x

Get the empty wardrobe and drawers wiped out and rearrange your stuff.. claim YOUR house.. YOUR space.. move the furniture around.. change the look.
Today lasts 24 hours... the same as every other day.. and you are so strong.. you can do this.
And when the puppy eyes and hangdog expression gets used... your words are.. "I see you.. and I dont care"

Thinking of you today x

Thank you everyone. Today feels brutal. I was out all morning and got back just in time for him leaving (unintentionally). He was all tears and saying it was so hard. I did point out He chose this.
First thing he did though when I walked in was tell me how badly his day at work had gone 🙄
Got an hour to myself now before picking the kids up from a club.
I do feel a bit of a sense of relief that he's out. But it's mixed in with lots of sadness and anger. I can't quite muster any tears right now just feel flattened by it all.

There will be a lot of firsts now that he’s gone and it will be very painful at times. Particularly the first few times the children go to stay with him. But much better times are coming. I have no doubt that you will soon start to notice lots of little things that are just so much lighter and easier without him around. You have done so well. Be patient. It will ease, I am certain.

I suspect he waited for you. He’s making such a bloody drama of this. Dragging it out. Still with his other woman. But wants to think you want him too. And not think badly of him for being an absolute cunt to you.

Do you know I'm really surprised how I'm feeling now the boys home. They've got friends to play, rhe house sounds fun and I feel a weight lifted. I know there will be ups and downs but right now I'm feeling the most positive I have since March.
Other woman or not, he's in his little rental without the kids and our lovely home having to fend for himself for the first time in 15 years.
I wouldn't swap places

Good for you, I suspected once he was gone you’d feel,like that, he was in there gaslighting you, manipulating you, lying to uou and emotionally black mailing you. It’s not until you don’t have to deal with that you will see it for just how bad it was.

sure there will be moments of sadness and maybe even panic, but getting that presence gone was key.

he can sit there and whinge to his mistress. I don’t know how she’s not sick of him to be honest. Just be careful of him trying to come back for visits to keep bringing you down and see what’s going on. This man does not like to lose control.

Funny you should say that he just asked if he can pop back and say goodnight to the kids later.
That was a firm no. He's got time scheduled with them for the weekend.

Well done!

Just read this thread, no wonder you not so inexplicably feel relief.
What a vain selfish, self absorbed dud.
He doesn't half go on about himself.

Keep a cool head and get that divorce finalised.
He has done you such a favour.
You are going to be so relieved in the near future.
Mind yourself.

He’s so self-absorbed and self-pitiful…eww. Most unattractive in a man.

He’s a bloody comedian. Reality bites hard. You’ve done so well @Allthegoodonesareg0ne . He’s got to realise he’s chosen to leave so he’s got to stick to the routine with the children he’s agreed to. He doesn’t get to dictate terms outside the relationship.

Your husband’s shenanigans really annoy me because it’s like he doesn’t understand the gravity of what he’s done to all of you. He feels this is all second to how he feels!

I am glad you told him he could not come round tonight. The boys need to see clearly drawn boundaries so there is no confusion or false hope.he honestly doesn’t realise how much he’s hurt those kids. It’s such reckless and selfish behavior.

And @Allthegoodonesareg0ne I always remember the kindness you’ve shown others on other threads where the husbands have cheated when you were going through your own shit. It says a lot about you as a person. You are the queen and your husband is merely the jester.

Thank you.
I've been thinking this evening how all this a game for him.
He wants to have space and freedom to 'work on himself'. Never mind his responsibilities.
He continued to use me as a dumping ground for his emotions right up until today
He continued to want to spend time with me, wanted to cuddle me, continuously tried it on with me up until he left. So I was good enough for all of that but not to commit to and be faithful to.
I have come to bed feeling so peaceful after this roller coaster of emotions today.
It's amazing what performing a husband exorcism on your home can do 😆

A husband exorcism is a brilliant way of putting it 😂😂😂. Glad you are ok. What an awful person he is!

I have always called it a husband-ectomy! But I think exorcism works better, because it is not only a physical but a spiritual removal! I will be using that going forward!

The peace, oh the peace.....worth all of the arsing about!

Yes you need to maintain boundaries here and enforce them. As you will never heal. He will be out shagging around living his single life, and trying to keep you warm just in case it doesn’t work out. Like last time, so he will want to pop round a lot.

maingain boundaries, your future self will thank you. As this man has nothing but pain stored up for you.

I'm so surprised with how I'm feeling today!
I slept really well and woke up feeling really positive.
Had an easy morning with happy kids, plodded off to my exercise class. Ate!
I'm sure more sadness, low moments will come but I didn't expect to be feeling so good today. Have organised some friends to come for drinks tomorrow, another set of friends and their kids coming Monday. Have a booked a few day trips for the holidays to look forward to.
Will keep posting for a while in case it's helpful to someone.
I so wish I could have seen myself today when I was in the worst of it a few months ago. I lost 3 stone in all this and could barely breathe let alone sleep.
He messaged to ask how I was this morning, told me he couldn't sleep last night. I haven't replied 😆

Oh dear lord these men.
There is another thread right now - There We Are Then - and the OP had to reluctantly agree to let her kids stay with her husband who has left. He insisted on it even when one had a bug and then was messaging her in the night about it.
Was your husband bothered about your sleep when he was online with this other woman. No, he didn’t give a shit.

Don’t reply, he has to stop thinking he can fuck other women and get emotional support from you, and you will take him back when he’s ready, he’s will be texting the ow the same thing. And likely signed up to dating sites.

jusy ignore him totally, if he persists, explain to him you are now seperated and it is not your role anymore to play little wifey support for all his emotional issues.

i can’t get my head round why he thinks you’re open to this, he clearly thinks he can fuck whom he pleases, leave you, lie to you and you know. Tell you he decided it was over before he started fucking his mistress again, and yoire such a desperate case you will take him back and want to soothe all his issues.

its abhorrently offensive, even if you were that sad and desperate he could at Least try to give you some dignity,