He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

It really is. He is moping about today, about how sad it is that WE got here.

It's frustrating not to argue with him but it would achieve nothing.

He voluntarily updated me on his therapy session today and how he explained he had apologised sincerely to me about everything. I recall his apology vividly as he was driving me to an appointment about a month ago, talking about how he was so tired. I said he'd been doing a lot (this was while I was still out of action) he said if was more the emotional side of everything making him tired. He turned to me and said, I'm really sorry. Then carried on talking about something else. That was literally it!

In other news I got asked on a date today. I declined but it was nice to be asked and left me feeling even more positive about the future!

So now he’s gaslighting the therapist. No progress whatsoever.

It is astonishing that he still seems to have hope to resolve things with you without admitting any fault or apologising!! Has he always been like this — no self awareness bordering on narcissistic?

How did the date question come up?? Is it someone you know who knows you’re separated? Glad it gave you a boost. You deserve it. Probably not worth riling up the Ex yet with a date before he’s out the house. I can imagine he will be quite dramatic about you moving on when you do. The irony!

I think in hindsight he has always been like this I just didn't see it for what it was. I always would have described him as confident but I think now it was just arrogance.
When we met I was confident and successful. Slowly that confidence eroded and I became a stay at home parent and his treatment of me got worse. His life existed outside of the house and he didn't invest here. It got a bit better after the first affair came to light but obviously it wasn't sustainable for him.
I was just getting my confidence and life outside of the house back when this all happened this time.
The date was a dad of my child's friend. We often chat at events. He's very lovely but I'm just not in that place for anyone new.

It says a lot about him that his treatment of you got worse as you became more reliant on him financially and lost confidence. Ultimately despite the sacrifices you made for him and your kids he lost respect for you. In his eyes being successful at work gave him more value than you. That entitlement led him to have an affair. It’s what he deserved after all, to feel adored and have smoked blown up his arse.

The power imbalance must have changed after the first affair as he had to prioritise you for once. Seems he can do it for a bit (like a when he looked after you while you recovered) but once the novelty wears off he can’t maintain it because his needs will always trump yours.

Although you deserve a proper apology and to beg for your forgiveness it’s quite good he’s not doing this as you can walk away without the emotional blackmail. But it says a lot that he is clearly wanting you to ask him if he wants to reconcile so he doesn’t have to admit any fault.

I can’t wait for you to flourish now you the scales have fallen from your eyes. One day you will look back and recoil at the thought of being with him.

That's exactly it. When we first got together he was heavy, earned less than I did and had nothing. He didn't take himself too seriously and I adored him.
Since he's become successful, started going to the gym and looks good he's become so full of himself.
He absolutely thinks he's worth more than me.
So we absolutely got to a point where I put him first and so did he.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne please tell us you slipped into conversation with your STBXH that you’d been asked out on a date 😂

Christ, what a horrible man, so he thinks he’s improved himself and you’ve declined and now he’s better than you? Fuck me,that’s grim.

id also not tell him you’ve been asked out, he’s a fool and an unstable one at that.

No not told him I got asked out. Not worth the hassle for me.

He already mentions other men regularly, worrying my friends are trying to set me up or who has shown an interest. I'm just pottering around when I'm home keeping busy and offending him with self adhesive wall paper and bar stools 🤣

Does he go next week? You’re going to breathe a sigh of relief. It will feel sad. But he’s dragged his heels and taken the piss in that.

Yep next week. I'm definitely ready for it now. I still have moments I feel down about it, and I'm sure there will be wobbles but on the whole I feel ready and excited now for the next phase of my life

Having a really bad today. He's told the kids he's moving out next week. They knew it was coming, I obviously also knew it was coming but it's hit me like a ton of bricks today.
I feel like I've taken 100 steps back.
I was feeling so positive. I know he's bad for me. I know I will happier life without him so can't figure out why I feel I'm back to square one this evening 😥

Maybe deep down you hoped he wouldn’t and maybe he sensed that, and it explained some of his behaviour

once he’s gone it will be hard for a bit, as it’s so final, and then it will get easier.

I'm not sure. But it feels rubbish today.
It's really bonkers as it's like wanting a cuddle with a pile of razor blades.
I think maybe its the loss of the family I thought I was building.
I know he's rhe cause of this pain and it'll go eventually without him here.
Just feeling pants today

Just take yourself off to bed when you can,

I think it would be strange if you felt fine today.
What you are going through is like another version of grief and you have to experience so many emotions. But you recognise that you are upset. The important thing is that you don’t act on it.
He needs to go as hard as it is.
You are doing brilliantly.

Thank you.
I called my friend and feel much better for it.
I know once he's out it'll start to feel better

I agree, it would be odd if you didn’t feel sad about the end of your marriage and the kids being told at the very least. It’s a shadow from the past, that’s all. You’ve done so well @Allthegoodonesareg0ne , you’re an inspiration in courage and have resolute integrity about what is right and what is wrong. He is all shades of wrong now, and still mired in his own bullshit. You are basking in the warm glow of the truth and living an authentic life the way you deserve to. Of course it’s sad, it’s a tragedy that didn’t need to happen but he relentlessly chose it and never accepted that. You’re holding on to an echo from the past, one day you’ll hear the echo and realise it doesn’t matter any more, you did all the right things whilst he chose all the wrong ones. Grieve the future he stole from all of you, then move forward into a bright future of your own making. You more than deserve that.

Thank you xx

How are you feeling @Allthegoodonesareg0ne? has he left yet?

He leaves tomorrow. Its been up and down watching him pack his things and seeing empty drawers.
I was quite teary today, not really at the loss of him but just the loss of the life I thought I had, and to some extent the hurt that I wasn't enough for him.
When he's not physically present its much better so I'm hopeful this is rhe worst bit.
Thanks for checking on me x

He wasn’t enough for you, @Allthegoodonesareg0ne .
You told him what your expectations of him were and he didn’t meet them. He wasn’t enough of a decent man to meet even basic expectations of a husband. That would never be enough for you.
You were and always will be enough. ❤️

How is he being, in his packing, is he weeping?

Thank you, truly.
Its hard not to feel I didn't get it right. But I know I did all I could do, I loved him and he couldn't step up

He's had some tears. They frustrate me more than anything as the choices in this were all his.
He's not asking me to let him stay, but he's said he hopes he will be back.
I am hoping this is the worst bit and that me and the kids can get some peace.
He's been off the last few days, my spidey senses say he's back in touch with her, which fits the pattern. I'm much less bothered by that than I have been in the past. He will do what he does and I will have to get on with it!