He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

I think you’re going to have a job getting him to leave. you might have to go with pretending you’ll give it a chance if he moves out for a while.

Agree!

Time to adopt a litter full of kittens! Might do the job with hurrying him up.

I very much agree with this.

He said he's been chronically stressed dealing with my emotions from the affair rhe last two years but he sees that I'm over that now

Absolutely mind-boggling. How does he think you got over "it" if not by getting over HIM?

and it gives him hope he could be happy with me again.

And his happiness, of course, it the yardstick by which you measure a successful outcome 🙄

I just keep looking at him thinking how was I so in love with you?!

I only hope that you can keep hold of this feeling. You're going to have to fight to get him to leave the house and he's going to try to wear you down.

I think what a lot of men dont understand is that when she stops "nagging" "moaning" or "going on at" him, its because she no longer cares. And the reason she no longer cares about him being lazy or selfish or cheating is because she no longer cares about him as a person and a partner, so the marriage is over.

They just see it as "oh she got over it, thank fuck for that", and then claim to be blindsided when she ends the marriage.

Oh he’s got no intention of moving out and is under the impression he’s smoothing the OP over. I hope she realises this and has a firm plan.

Worse case scenario may be that she has to file for divorce to drive the message home.

Ain’t that the truth!

Thank you all. Divorce is already filed, currently in the 20 week cool off. So not much happening at the moment. Trying to balance keeping him on side until all the financials are finalised with getting him to actually go.
I will try telling him I need space to think, to be able to consider reconciliation.

I agree with other posters that you probably do have to play this game a little bit to get him out. Which is horrible if you’re basically an honest person but he’s not playing on a level playing field here. He really is a total arsewipe!

It's odd looking back at it all now and thinking how broken I was by it all, I even felt so sorry for him for a while because I could see what a mess he was and has made of what was a really amazing life and family. Its like he couldn't see more than a step ahead of him or any further than his nose and now its all catching up.
But I'd somehow managed to take myself out of the equation and was only really looking at the harm he'd done to the kids (who are currently doing amazing and looking forward to all of our plans for the summer!)
But reading over this thread and hearing the totally unanimous opinions of all of my , and our, friends he honestly doesn't deserve a second of my thoughts.
I mean I always saw logically that what he was doing was horrendous, but the level of arseholeishness he's shown is truly another level.

How are things OP? Good luck with everything!!

Hi! Things are good thanks. More ups than down these days. Made a few more changes at home and it's feeling smarter and more like mine.
He's still here until next week but has almost finished getting his house ready now.
He's been overly helpful this week. Had a handy man booked to put together some new furniture but he decided he would do it for me. Then got upset that I'd only bought 3 barstools..
He is still talking about 'if he comes back' and 'when he's worked on himself' but most of the time it doesn't tug on that bit of me that wanted our marriage to work anymore.
I've tried to make lots of little plans for the holidays so me and the kids can keep nice and busy.
I'm looking forward to gaining all the extra wardrobe space at home 😊

So happy for you! Such a good place to be to have reached your peace!

Well done for making the place YOUR home now 😍 Holiday plans with your DC sound fab.

Your STBX is only fuelling his own imagination. At some point he will have to accept reality.

If you are watching the football tonight it’s all about the three lions and the three stools. You’ve just Harry Kane’s him - back of the net!

🤣

Honestly the stools were so funny. He's literally kitting out his house that he wanted to leave us to live in so he could message phone girl without his nuisance wife getting in the way but the cheek of me for only buying stools for the people that live here 🙄.

I pointed this out today when he brought it up again but its apparently still my fault he restarted the affair. The stress of not knowing when I might emotionally bring up it again the last two years, and being scared each time that I might say I'm leaving drove him right back to her and made him want to leave. Now I'm not bringing it up all the time, and he's getting space to work on himself he sees hope for us that he can come back and if he does it will be because he knows he won't do it again.

I feel so precious... lucky me...

Totally delusional and self absorbed. Really doesn’t see the damage he’s done to dc and you ( though I know you will all be fine!!).

he sees hope for us that he can come back and if he does it will be because he knows he won't do it again.

That statement is so ridiculous it would almost be funny if it wasn't for the fact he's completely upended yours and your children's lives. What an utterly selfish moron, thinking he can keep you on the back burner while he shags about finds himself.

The delusion is just unreal.

How does he not know it’s not an option. He’s such a loser, I dint know how you can even look at the snivering loser. I even have the ick reading about him.

I wonder if having an affair will permanently fracture one’s psyche. Because they have to split and live the double life. I feel like it’s their consequence - they are damaged forever.

I can't quite believe I didn't see before just how self centred and self absorbed he is. I always knew he had a tenancy to be selfish. I accepted it as part of him and I still think he doesn't notice it. So I'd always be quite specific in saying I need this or I'd appreciate if you could and that worked for us until it didn't. I think even now he'd give me the world unless it meant he had to suffer for it or give up something he wanted.
But all this has exposed a whole other level.
He's hurt me, the kids, her husband and even her in this whole saga and he is standing looking at us all burned to the ground and worrying his eyebrows have been singed

It really is quite astonishing, he clearly thinks you’re so desperate you will take him back should he choose this, like he’s some prize and he feels he comes first, for everything, he doesn’t even pretend to have empathy for you or what he’s done, for him you’re the issue.