He's definitely restarted the affair

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

2 years ago my husband had an affair and we reconciled. All was going well. He left his job for a bit and then had to go back. In March he went on a trip where she was, first time since. He came back off. I suspected, he denied. Then he said he hasn't been happy, rhe effort of dealing with my triggers from the affair was too much. He was worn out. He was planning to stay until after my hysterectomy this week and then move out. Since then its been a roller coaster. Warm some days, cold the next. In amongst it i filed for divorce. Some days he wanted to try and some days he was like an imposter in my husbands body. Over and over I asked about her he said he wasn't talking to her.
Today I got forwarded messages between them from her husband. He's been at it again.
He says he wasn't cheating, he'd already decided it was over between us he wouldn't tell me so I'd let him look after me and rhe kids through my surgery.
So now I know. I already suspected it shouldn't be a shock. I'd already said ir was over but I suppose some part of me was hanging on.
No point to this really except maybe to warn others and to get a bit or a handhold as this feels bloody unbearable.

I think he thought telling me the affair was over would resolve everything.
Its my fault for making that the case last time, but I was doing what I thought best I won't beat myself up for it. This ongoing insistence to blame me for everything that's going wrong in his life though is getting old.
It's my fault he went back to the affair as my hurt was too hard to cope with, my fault I was upset he did that as I wouldn't have known if I didn't talk to her husband, my fault he feels sad now as I am getting on with life. The list of my sins is endless...

It’s not over though is it, his behaviour is ridiculous. The sooner he goes the better, you will be able to breathe , I honestly don’t know how you can even stand to be near him.

I've no way to know. If it is, it's not for my benefit. He's not been anywhere as he's had to be around for the kids while I recovered. He's literally been home with me 24/7 and the sneaking about with his phone and oddly timed dog walking have stopped. So I think it is at least on hold for now - maybe while he sees if there is a way to keep his life here for now, or maybe because he saw the logistics were ridiculous and he didn't want another family as was the expectation.
But if not her it'll be someone else later. He's admitted she was the first person to show an interest in the course of out marriage, so the next one who does I doubt he'll turn down.

Is it possible that being constantly reminded that he brought all of this on himself might serve to hasten his departure?

Yes thats true!
Although he consistently tells me this is all my fault..

I’d be tempted to tell him to go now! Do the kids even want him there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe some nearly invisible earplugs could help get you through the next few weeks, OP? 😅

"This is all because of you for never being emotionally available and making me suffer terribly!" - STBXH

"I see" nods OP sagely

<repeats ad infinitum>

Considering he’s been going to therapy he really hadn’t done any work on himself has he? He needs women fighting over him to give him worth. He made huge life changing decisions without thinking any of it through because in part he loved the drama of it all. It made him feel wanted and alive. The fact that the pain of his wife and children could be something he would willingly cause to get him out of the day to day slog of an ordinary life is something he really needs to work out himself.

Having this new shiny younger OW was only appealing when you were devastated. He must be valuable if you both want him so much right? And in his mind he still had options and he could change his mind at any point. He loved playing the hero while you were recovering. He even had you praising him whilst in the midst of an affair. With the AP thinking he was a great man too for putting his family first. All of it was for external praise.

Now that you are moving on and he can see what he has done is no longer exciting and validating. It’s lonely and makes him feel pathetic. He’s crying for himself and his fragile ego. Like you said, if not her it would have been someone else. Because this whole thing is about his own insecurity and need for external validation.

You will shine without this self centred weak man.

Absolutely -I do think for some it seems such a nice change/bit of fun when it’s kind of an added extra in life, when it blows up if they get caught and suddenly becomes reality I think an awful lot realise that actually , regardless of what they’ve been telling the OW and themselves , it’s not what they wanted to be the main course- they just wanted a bit more variety and secrets, lies and a new mental fantasy life can be intoxicating until the shit hits the fan - and they realise in many cases they were not unhappy - bored would be more honest -

he seems to be more and more delusional?!

Get ready for woe is me to turn into spite when he realises all is actually lost. I know you’re not bothered but nasty is still nasty and you don’t need his vitriol, he’s known you a long time and no doubt knows which buttons to press.

That's my worry. I am doing my best to keep the peace and not engage in his nonsense, at least until he's out and the divorce is finished

I think you’re exactly right and if he didn’t think he could blame you, he’d find anyone and anything he could pin his lies on.
Painful as it was, you know and your kids know that by trying reconciliation you did absolutely everything you could to save the marriage and keep the family together. They watched him trash that. Twice. He’s conveniently forgotten he was given the huge, enormous gift of a chance and screwed that up too. All his squirming and blaming are his sheer terror of knowing deep down that this is all his fault and facing that overwhelms him.
You’ll never do anything braver as a human being than face the truth about your own demons, whatever form they take, or examine your part in your shitty, hurtful decisions in life. Given that most people who cheat have avoidant, cowardly tendencies anyway, this is always going to be a big ask.

Oh god, just get him out. Give him one day’s notice. Every time he speaks, hold a hand up and say you’ll stop him there, you aren’t his sounding board or his friend or his therapist or his girlfriend.
In my opinion he’s playing you good and proper with all this moving out nonsense. You’ll find the moving date keeps getting pushed back. He’s so comfortable where he is. I don’t know how you can stomach it.

It must be such a draining balancing act for you op. In so many cases the man refuses to leave.
Xx

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne This 💯

It's getting even more ridiculous here, I'm just laughing at it all now!
I have spent a lovely few days out and about with various friends, trying to make the most of him being here to watch the kids.
I came home after a full day out with friends yesterday to tears. He said he loves me and is dreading moving out. When I pointed out all of this was his doing, he got annoyed and told me it's fine for me, I 'get' to stay in the house with the kids. I have lots of friends and a full life. He will be alone in his new place with only work (which was his entire life the last few years) and just a couple of friends nearby. He has no one to call if he needs help or gets sick. His friends are all work friends and don't live here.
He said he's been chronically stressed dealing with my emotions from the affair rhe last two years but he sees that I'm over that now and it gives him hope he could be happy with me again.
I've been out again today and come home to a cleaned house, dinner cooked and my favourite wine and desert in the fridge.
Just 4 months ago that would have made my week, but I just keep looking at him thinking how was I so in love with you?!

Insane. You are over it because you are over him. Does he not see that? The fact he is saying he can imagine being happy with you as long as you don’t hold him accountable for any of his actions shows not only that he hasn’t changed but he doesn’t think he needs to. He just needs everyone around him to accept his excuses for being a poor excuse of a husband. No wonder you have the ick!!

I see it’s still all your fault OP 🙄🙄🙄

Sounds like you’ve had a lovely weekend doing your own thing 💪💪👏👏

God how pathetic is that. And so embarassing for him. It gives him hope he could be happy with you again? Like if you’re lucky? And he’s stressed dealing with your emotions over his affairs?

It’s not funny, it’s pathetic and abusive,

I mean the audacity of me, sitting here all that time, loving him, taking care of his house and children, giving him another chance and being sad that he had a girlfriend while we were married.
Imagine having to put up with all that poor lamb.

Yep! If I could just not show any negative emotions please we can live happily ever after 🤣

I can empathize! My STBXH told me recently that I am getting everything my own way and that I have just discarded him without a second thought.

i had to try not to laugh in his face.

I did say to him that this was not ‘my way’. I didn’t get married to get divorced. I didn’t have children to end up as a single parent.

our current reality was all down to one persons actions, and these are the consequences of the chaos that he invited in.

I had no agency in these decisions, but I am moving forward and dealing with it, (and am super happy in my new relationship) whilst he is having a pity party.

suck it up, buttercup.

He takes the biscuit, he really does. To still play the victim card is more than ridiculous. I’d reply that maybe if he hadn’t played the victim about everything he has caused because he chose it all, he might have stood a chance back then but as it is, he’s actually done you a massive favour.