Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Hi everyone. Sorry just logged on, I don’t receive any notifications. It’s been a while as we were away and we have two kittens now that arrived last Thursday. My friend lost her grandad so I’ve been supporting her and it’s been the holidays. Sorry for worrying everyone. It’s been busy. My eldest started high school so there’s been lots of prep with him but he’s settled really well so far so it’s the first week!

He hasn’t found the actual account which is hidden, just the email address but he didn’t mention it. I was going to say it was for a free audible trial which is something I would do but it hasn’t come up and there’s nothing stored in the account anyway.

I hope you’ve all had a good summer. My grass is finally looking green again after the rain!

I’ve put my name down to help with the swimming lessons at school a couple of hours a week. It feels so scary but I’ve done it and I think it’ll do me some good x

Will done and I am sure I speak for everyone when I say, I am happy to hear from you!

Thank you. It’s just been really busy in the family bubble but it’s been nice, and I had the most beautiful spa day on Sunday. It’s been a very lovely summer xx

So good to hear from you Becka, and that you've had a good holiday. Volunteering is great, and while it might feel scary it's really good to broaden your horizons

Woke up just before midnight last night to my breasts being squeezed and being touched down below. I shuffled and it stopped. I’m going away for the night with my best friend on Friday. Do you think I should talk to her?

Sorry to hear that he has reverted back to his normal sexually abusive behaviour again after a summer of respite. He must sense you are more positive / sensitive and is trying to crush it. And also he’s not respected your boundaries. That must have been really scary for you, sorry he’s started again when you your probably feeling a bit “safer”.

I am honestly not sure about you talking to your friend. Only because of what she’s said to you before about talking to a therapist. And having recent bereavement. You are not wrong for wanting to share this with your friend. Both can be valid at the same time. I hope someone else can also advise on this too x

So sorry Becksta

Re talking to your friend - IIRC she has asked you not to talk to her so much about it, has not got you a phone despite promising she would, has told you not to contact her in the middle of the night and has also had a recent bereavement?

In that case I wouldn't say anything unless she brings it up. Ultimately she isn't able to provide you with the support you really need.

Have you managed to talk to Women's Aid again? Do you have a bit of strength to work up another plan?

Thank you both. I was only going to share if she asked, which she sometimes does. I’m not comfortable with sharing because I appreciate it’s a difficult situation for her to be in and she feels helpless. I totally get that. She is my safety plan, the person I’ll go to when I leave. She’s agreed this with me, unless that’s changed. Maybe I should just hold back on sharing until I get that point, no point really is there. I think for her she’s wanted to be there for me emotionally but it is hard, abusers probably know this too I guess, so it helps them with the isolating. It closes you off. I know the responsibility ultimate lies with me.

sometimes I think I know I should just leave. If I remove myself from myself so it is someone else, I know this. I understand why this is so. I think I’m not ready, I have lots of reasons which don’t really matter, Should I just leave anyway even if I’m not sure, but this risks me returning and things being worse. I just don’t know. I read something earlier, about leaving is just the start. It will be horrible and lots of unknowns. I don’t know. Should I do it anyway? If someone said to me am I ready, hand on heart it’s a no. But otherwise I’m going to have to commit to myself to managing by myself, trying to speak covertly to women’s aid when I can, to not end up isolated from my best friend. I understand that leaving even if I do and stay away, I’m going to need my friends for support with what follows. Emotionally mainly, maybe people will have more space for it if they don’t think I’m choosing to be in this situation. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I know none of this is helpful.

@Becksta1could you find a way of doing the freedom program face to face - I understand if you can’t as I could only attend once H left and other women were dropped off and picked up by partners. I minimised and was confused for a long time - 30 year marriage - but found strength in that non judgemental environment.

I have to say that your posts have resonated with me and deeply disturbed me as they are honest and filled with self doubt and desire for things to be different and the desperation of blaming yourself or taking responsibility for the illusion of control whilst having no control over normal day to day stuff like shopping. I wasn’t allowed to do the shopping or cooking or school run to the village primary (although I was allowed to do the school 60 minute round trip to secondary with no chats with school mums). They remind me of how bad things were before I left.

Hello Becka. Reading your last reminded me of a book called
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.
Basically she is saying if we wait until we feel totally ready prepared and sure of ourselves before we do something we will only live a very basic life.
A kind of half life.
Predictable and limited.
Also re your comment about needing friends for emotional support.
If you are in touch with Women's Aid etc you will discover new people who have been in similar situations.
As yet unknown to you.
Mutual support groups.
You won't be all alone cast to the wolves.
Quite the contrary.
You'll be leaving the wolf's lair. A wolf in very thin sheep's clothing.
There's a big big world out there and most of it is good. Beautiful.
Sorry for the mixed metaphors.
But you get the gist

Thank you @PocketSand and @alexdgr8. Your posts mean a lot, I’m sorry you went through that @PocketSand. I’m feeling a bit inward at the minute as I process xx

From a personal perspective the hardest thing emotionally was freeing myself from the nice/nasty dynamic that allowed me to reassure myself that fundamentally my relationship was good and I was happy. My only comfort was denial and that came with a cost that was ultimately eroding me. When things felt hopeless I would be sucked back in by the smallest crumbs even though I knew it would not last, was not real. I had to stay in the bad place so that I and my DC could escape. I read and listened to and watched many resources and then journaled my own experiences before I was able to end the relationship sure that I was doing the right thing. Focus on what is right now. Don’t worry about the future but plan for practicalities in the short term.

@Beckaboop21345 , I think @PocketSand nails it. You’ve just come out of a long cycle of your husband being nice and now the nastiness is starting to come as he has more opportunities now the kids are at school. When you posted last week it sounded like you could breath again and you sounded so positive and free but now you sound sad and scared again. I am glad you check in on your posts to know we are all still hear routing for you and willing you on.

Thanks @PocketSand and @goodThingGonewrong. @PocketSand you’ve given me lots to reflect on. Thank you for sharing how it was for you. It is easy to get sucked into when things are good, and that’s what can make me feel so confused and question if it’s abuse. It’s silly because some of it is so obvious, but it’s like I need validation on all aspects. I’m trying to save little bits of money (I don’t have access to a lot so it’s £10 a month) and I’ve committed to doing that even when leaving seems impossible. It’s talking about it that seems hard, I can’t shake this feeling that I can’t share what’s going on because I feel like I’m choosing to be treated this way by not just leaving, so I feel to blame. I honestly think if my family dynamic was different I would’ve left a long time ago. My hubby goes away for the day next week for work so that’s my window to try and ring women’s aid again. Just to talk things through. Maybe ask about what sort of support I’d get when I choose to leave, where I would like, how far away that would be etc. I read somewhere that 65% of refuge requests are turned down because of lack of space so I could have to travel somewhere miles and miles away with my children. Me and the kids would find that very very tough. I don’t know if anyone has any experience of this, and if there’s any issues having a high school age boy in one. I’d image there isn’t but it’s something I’d like to know.

How are you now @PocketSand?

Thanks for your care and support as always @goodThingGonewrong

Hi everyone. Just an update. I have reached out to women’s aid again last week, more to release and get some validation which helped and discuss next steps when I’m ready. She said refuge spaces change daily but if there wasn’t one available we would be put in a hotel room until housing was available.

Ive also referred myself for talking therapies. I have an assessment next month. My friend asked if couples therapy was something I wanted to look at but tbh I’m just not sure how I feel about it. I’m not sure I’m comfortable. At the moment I’m in a process of trying to quietly gain strength and carry on as normal so I can focus on what I need. I don’t know if couples therapy would help with this. I also think it would only work if he was open and actually wanted to work through stuff, and I don’t think he would. I think he would possibly use it as a way to put a lot of this on my childhood, and some of it probably is. It’s a massive risk. I’m also not sure I could be open with him. It’s hard for me and it’s easy to think that this is something that we should be dealing with together, which was my old way of thinking. Me supporting him, but I have to see this as a problem that “he” has not something for me to fix with him. I know that I’m not perfect though either.

I did ask the school about volunteering and they don’t need anyone to help with reading yet, mainly because the younger ones aren’t starting reading books till January. They’ve said they need volunteers to help with swimming, but I think I would find this too hard due to past trauma.

Anyway I hope everyone is doing okay and enjoying the start of Autumn xx

Hi @Becksta1

I’m a lurker who’s been silently cheering you on from the sidelines, not contributing because I don’t really have anything to say that’s different to the excellent advice you’ve had so far.

I’m just compelled to delurk to say a very emphatic No to any thoughts whatsoever of couples counselling. Just no, no, no.

I’m sure others will be along to reinforce this, and I’ll quietly re-lurk while sending you all good wishes.

Thank you so much. That’s my thoughts and it might be something I’d be more open to if I was really wanting to stay in the relationship, but deep down although I’m not ready, I want to see a future without him and I think couples therapy would just delay and add to the confusion.

It came up because we went to a women’s gathering together and a lady there mentioned that she does therapy with couples experiencing DA and I said to my friend at the end that I wish I could’ve asked it it actually helps and she sees positive changes in the abusers. I did say that that I’ve been told that it’s not recommended for situations like mine. He throws counselling at me only whenever he knows I want to leave. He did this in Feb, said that he was looking for one but he hasn’t found the right one yet. Nothing has happened with this because I think it’s something he’ll pull out of his back pocket when he knows I want to leave. I know it’s the first thing he’ll do. It’s just lip service though. If he wanted to get help he would’ve done already. He’s had lots of chances.

Sorry for waffling, and thanks for your support.

Delurking also - your instincts are 100% correct, trust them!!!!

therapy with couples experiencing DA what absolute bollocks. Couples don't "experience" domestic abuse, 9 times out of 10 one person (usually a man) abuses the other. Softening and obscuring what is actually happening like this is completely unhelpful. What complete nonsense. This is why therapists need regulating.

You know exactly what is happening to your Becksta and you sound more confident with every post. Keep on going, you can and you will.

It’s strongly advised not to have couples therapy with an abuser. Mainly because they end up gaslighting the therapist. I think therapy for yourself is great and well done finding out what your housing options are. I hope it feels a bit less scary. Sending you my best wishes x

And I am so glad the lurkers have come out in your support ❤️

I agree. A hard NO to couples therapy. Lots of love and support Becksta

I’m a psychotherapist OP and counselling or any kind of combined therapy is a huge and unanimous NO.

NEVER EVER.

hi OP no never. No therapy ever with a domestic abuser.