Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I know I have a massive mountain to climb I just can’t do this on my own 😢 I just want someone to hold my hand and held me build strength. It’s so hard to do this without a support network.

I'm sorry this is all so tough for you, Beckaboop.

That's awful Becca, but tbh not unexpected when she said you could call her anytime - except during the night. In my book, that's so crap. Of course you'd only call in the night if it were an absolute emergency - and then she's not available?

I don't think she's a good friend, which must be so hard to realise this.

We are here. We are good for processing. Change your name and start a new thread as many times as you need. We care, we support

Thank you. I’m just so upset with myself for starting to trust. It’s difficult because I pour lots into my friendship. I’m the one that remembers their lovely anniversaries and also the dates that are hard, because I know what it feels like to go through life alone and I don’t want anyone to feel like that. I’m on a group chat with my BF and another friend and she’ll make herself available for her all the time which has upset me, but I know that’s my own trigger. I feel bad for wanting support.

But also, there’s literally no one else I can turn to.

I think this needs to come from me now, I need to find their strength at some point to do this completely alone without relying on friends for support.
we go on holiday in 3 weeks so I’m going to try and look forward to that.

@Beckaboop21345 please don’t think your friend cares about your other friend more.
Some people are wonderful in a crisis and in providing ongoing support and others are not.
I tried to help a friend in an ongoing situation and after hearing the details of what was happening and providing options and my friend never left, I was making myself ill with worry.
That is to not make you feel any more guilt than you already feel, it’s just it takes a pretty tough cookie to be a friend who can be relied on in some very difficult scenarios.
I think you really need expert support over and above what a friend could give you now anyway.
I know you are scared of speaking to people like a GP, but these are people who are trained to help, whereas friends aren’t.
It is easy to become isolated and look inward but I want you to know what an important person you are - you are so loving, and kind and gentle.
Would hardly call myself an expert but there is something about you which suggests to me you do have the inner strength to make a new life for yourself. It takes a lot of guts, but there are new friends and support and experiences out there for you.
Keep posting for support on here and please know you are not frustrating anybody. We are all here for you and we are cheering you on.

I know and I understand. What I find hard is she will respond in a crisis to our other friend almost instantly. For context the other friend on the group was in an abusive relationship too but they didn’t live together and there wasn’t any children so the crisis she’d respond to were centred around that. I’m not taking away from the other friend, I’ve also supported her too. I think it’s hard because it’s so visible because it’s on a group chat. I don’t like feeling like this, I know it’s difficult to see and be around I really do. Most of the stuff that happens I tend to not share because I don’t want anyone to worry. I know their lives would be better without me in it.

I don’t know how I should feel. If I go to a GP there’s a chance they’ll break confidentiality so I only want to do that when I feel I have more strength and am ready to leave because i want it to work out and give myself the best chance. I won’t have a car, money, housing, and it will affect the school. My eldest has additional needs and really struggles with change. This isn’t to say I won’t, I just know that right now the strength isn’t there. I can’t do it right now on my own 😢 I know I’m likely pushing my friends away and that’s horrible.

Your friends would not be better off without you. Different people deal with different crises in different ways - I know it’s hard not to take things personally but it’s just your isolated, tired mind looking for reasons to put you down.
I will repeat - you are a kind, loving and caring person.
I wrote about a friend of mine on another thread. She moved away from a loving family and friends when she first got married. Quite a confident, together person. This was before mobile phones and socials took over so we lost touch.
She had four children with her abuser and she hid it from everyone.
They had four kids - two boys and two girls and she was a SAHM.
Fate forced her hand in the end when he gave her such an horrific physical assault that she had to call 999 to save her own life.
It did. She came back home, luckily she did have her parents but she’s been in a wheelchair ever since.
She now works with DV victims and survivors and when I heard her speak about the abuse she endured I thought I was going to throw up. She did not sugar coat it, and I would not want to repeat it.
That was about 17 years since she made that call, and she said if she hadn’t she would probably still be there, or she’d have faded into nothing.
Speaking to someone in authority frightens someone in your position, I get it. But they don’t come streaming in unless it’s an emergency. My friend works with all sorts of agencies to get women out, and some of them are living in abject poverty.
What am I trying to say? I know my friend wishes she’d called for help sooner - she might still be able to walk for starters.
Her children have no relationship with their father but have all grown into fantastic young adults.
She says she never thought, on those darkest days, that one day she would work helping other women, speaking to MPs, going into schools. And she’s an ordinary lady, she shows it can happen to anyone.
Perhaps tonight give yourself permission to know there’s a chance for you. Just believing in that tonight I hope helps.
You are a wonderful lady, you write with such kindness about your children. Go easy on yourself and know that everyone on your threads believes in you.

Your GP will not break confidentiality code. They will absolutely help in many different ways. Make the call and start the process.

All the best for your new life.

There is no world in which anyone would be better off without you @Beckaboop21345, so please get that thought out of your head!

I agree with @ThisJadeBear that some people are simply not equipped to support others with serious, emotive matters. Whether it's through a lack of lived experience, an inability to empathise, bringing up their own trauma, they simply don't have the time and/or energy to offer the help someone needs, or a million other reasons, none of which reflect the quality of the friendship you offer.

Of course you need people to talk to, and you will find them in real life, I'm sure. Until then, you have us.

To quote a wise woman (@ThisJadeBear) "Keep posting for support on here and please know you are not frustrating anybody. We are all here for you and we are cheering you on."

@Beckaboop21345, I hope you're doing ok. No need to respond, I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you.

@Beckaboop21345 i understand what a blow it was for your friend to say that to you, she was your go to. I hope you are dealing with the hurt ok, try not to be too much in your own head ( I know easier said than done). I hope things are ok-ish at home and that you continue to have fun with your children x

Hello Becka. Hope you are OK ish.
Just came across a lovely lady on YouTube. Think you might like her.
LightOverTheBridge.

Thank you for the love everyone. My best friend lost her grandad this week, he was on palative care for over a week so it’s been a long and slow painful experience for her. I’ve been helping her with the children so it’s been a busy one but it’s meant she hasn’t had to worry about childcare and could spend those last few days with her grandad.

I’ve been okay, I was rock bottom at the start of the holidays I think because I’ve been processing and reflecting so much it just hits so hard. I have really enjoyed my children through and we’ve had some lovely trips out together, some very simple ones but beautiful too. I will miss them when they go back to school.

im 40 on Friday. I don’t normally celebrate my birthday which is linked to childhood but I’ve made a commitment to myself to embrace them for my children and my younger self too so we’re going to go out for the day and have a paddle in some streams. I’m

We go on holiday next week to Greece so I’m sorting through a list of things to pack which isn’t my strength because I worry abojt forgetting things. Luckily hubby has the passports and important documents so anything I might forget shouldn’t be too bad.

I hope you’re all well. Thanks for the support.

I’m sorry I can’t come on much. Hubby actually discovered my spare email on my phone the other day so I’ve deleted all the emails from WA that are in there.

Hi Becka, I won't tag you in case it triggers an email. I hadn't checked back for over a week, so missed that it was your 40th last Friday - I do hope you managed to have some fun with the children. I suspect you're on holiday now, fingers crossed that you're managing to find a few moments, here and there, to try to relax and savour the food and the sun.

Was there any fallout from him finding your spare email account, or did you manage to clear it out before he was able to read through things? Did he go looking do you think, or did he just come across it randomly?

Don't feel you need to answer, or even respond. Just know we're here to listen and support if you need us.

Then surely he’s checking your browsing history and seen you’ve spent a long time on Mumsnet?

be careful

So he read the WA emails?

i thought you had a very supportive best friend? I am so sorry

This is a good point.

what was his reaction to discovering your other email account @Becksta1 ?

Worried about you Becksta. Checking in with you

I am a bit concerned too but hopefully it’s down to being busy with school
holidays and being super careful around her husband. I hope we hear from her soon x

Another one just checking in Becka. I hope you're ok.