Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I know I have a massive mountain to climb I just can’t do this on my own 😢 I just want someone to hold my hand and held me build strength. It’s so hard to do this without a support network.

I'm sorry this is all so tough for you, Beckaboop.

That's awful Becca, but tbh not unexpected when she said you could call her anytime - except during the night. In my book, that's so crap. Of course you'd only call in the night if it were an absolute emergency - and then she's not available?

I don't think she's a good friend, which must be so hard to realise this.

We are here. We are good for processing. Change your name and start a new thread as many times as you need. We care, we support

Thank you. I’m just so upset with myself for starting to trust. It’s difficult because I pour lots into my friendship. I’m the one that remembers their lovely anniversaries and also the dates that are hard, because I know what it feels like to go through life alone and I don’t want anyone to feel like that. I’m on a group chat with my BF and another friend and she’ll make herself available for her all the time which has upset me, but I know that’s my own trigger. I feel bad for wanting support.

But also, there’s literally no one else I can turn to.

I think this needs to come from me now, I need to find their strength at some point to do this completely alone without relying on friends for support.
we go on holiday in 3 weeks so I’m going to try and look forward to that.

@Beckaboop21345 please don’t think your friend cares about your other friend more.
Some people are wonderful in a crisis and in providing ongoing support and others are not.
I tried to help a friend in an ongoing situation and after hearing the details of what was happening and providing options and my friend never left, I was making myself ill with worry.
That is to not make you feel any more guilt than you already feel, it’s just it takes a pretty tough cookie to be a friend who can be relied on in some very difficult scenarios.
I think you really need expert support over and above what a friend could give you now anyway.
I know you are scared of speaking to people like a GP, but these are people who are trained to help, whereas friends aren’t.
It is easy to become isolated and look inward but I want you to know what an important person you are - you are so loving, and kind and gentle.
Would hardly call myself an expert but there is something about you which suggests to me you do have the inner strength to make a new life for yourself. It takes a lot of guts, but there are new friends and support and experiences out there for you.
Keep posting for support on here and please know you are not frustrating anybody. We are all here for you and we are cheering you on.

I know and I understand. What I find hard is she will respond in a crisis to our other friend almost instantly. For context the other friend on the group was in an abusive relationship too but they didn’t live together and there wasn’t any children so the crisis she’d respond to were centred around that. I’m not taking away from the other friend, I’ve also supported her too. I think it’s hard because it’s so visible because it’s on a group chat. I don’t like feeling like this, I know it’s difficult to see and be around I really do. Most of the stuff that happens I tend to not share because I don’t want anyone to worry. I know their lives would be better without me in it.

I don’t know how I should feel. If I go to a GP there’s a chance they’ll break confidentiality so I only want to do that when I feel I have more strength and am ready to leave because i want it to work out and give myself the best chance. I won’t have a car, money, housing, and it will affect the school. My eldest has additional needs and really struggles with change. This isn’t to say I won’t, I just know that right now the strength isn’t there. I can’t do it right now on my own 😢 I know I’m likely pushing my friends away and that’s horrible.

Your friends would not be better off without you. Different people deal with different crises in different ways - I know it’s hard not to take things personally but it’s just your isolated, tired mind looking for reasons to put you down.
I will repeat - you are a kind, loving and caring person.
I wrote about a friend of mine on another thread. She moved away from a loving family and friends when she first got married. Quite a confident, together person. This was before mobile phones and socials took over so we lost touch.
She had four children with her abuser and she hid it from everyone.
They had four kids - two boys and two girls and she was a SAHM.
Fate forced her hand in the end when he gave her such an horrific physical assault that she had to call 999 to save her own life.
It did. She came back home, luckily she did have her parents but she’s been in a wheelchair ever since.
She now works with DV victims and survivors and when I heard her speak about the abuse she endured I thought I was going to throw up. She did not sugar coat it, and I would not want to repeat it.
That was about 17 years since she made that call, and she said if she hadn’t she would probably still be there, or she’d have faded into nothing.
Speaking to someone in authority frightens someone in your position, I get it. But they don’t come streaming in unless it’s an emergency. My friend works with all sorts of agencies to get women out, and some of them are living in abject poverty.
What am I trying to say? I know my friend wishes she’d called for help sooner - she might still be able to walk for starters.
Her children have no relationship with their father but have all grown into fantastic young adults.
She says she never thought, on those darkest days, that one day she would work helping other women, speaking to MPs, going into schools. And she’s an ordinary lady, she shows it can happen to anyone.
Perhaps tonight give yourself permission to know there’s a chance for you. Just believing in that tonight I hope helps.
You are a wonderful lady, you write with such kindness about your children. Go easy on yourself and know that everyone on your threads believes in you.

Your GP will not break confidentiality code. They will absolutely help in many different ways. Make the call and start the process.

All the best for your new life.

There is no world in which anyone would be better off without you @Beckaboop21345, so please get that thought out of your head!

I agree with @ThisJadeBear that some people are simply not equipped to support others with serious, emotive matters. Whether it's through a lack of lived experience, an inability to empathise, bringing up their own trauma, they simply don't have the time and/or energy to offer the help someone needs, or a million other reasons, none of which reflect the quality of the friendship you offer.

Of course you need people to talk to, and you will find them in real life, I'm sure. Until then, you have us.

To quote a wise woman (@ThisJadeBear) "Keep posting for support on here and please know you are not frustrating anybody. We are all here for you and we are cheering you on."