Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I woke up in the night last night. Tbh I’m not sure what he was doing but I woke up with him so close to my body I woke up aware of him and screamed and fell off the bed. He moved away and said he was sorry he was just trying to kiss me. Normally I freeze but I was facing him, he was in my face so maybe that’s where the scream came from.
Theres things I can’t bring myself to share, and I know I don’t have to. Releasing the words can just feel like too much. The fear

Thank you all. I am definitely going to keep saying “I can and I will” xx

@Beckaboop21345 You CAN and you WILL!!

I'm glad you're finally angry. Stay angry.

And scream every time. Maybe that's what will make him stop the touching but it will also free your voice when you freeze.

Once you have found your VOICE, you can ask for real help from the GP. You can stand tall and stop making yourself small all the time.

And I don't believe for one second that you are not capable of living on your own, buying groceries, or anything else he tells you. You will find, once you're away from him, how strong and capable you are!

Thank you. Well I spoke to him earlier as I’ve come up to bed for a lie down. Said I was going to have a sleep as I had woken up in the night panicked. He said he doesn’t recall any of it. Made me question for a second if I’d dreamt it or imagined it but I don’t think I did.

No you didn't imagine it. I've never watched gaslighting in real time like I have, reading your thread.

He is so much more dangerous than you think he is. I am so worried for you my darling

Gaslighting at its very finest. Please know that you are correct, it did happen and of course he remembers it. Please stay vigilant and stay angry x

It’s all okay don’t worry. I spoke to WA via chat today. It was a risk as I didn’t it in the garden and he was home but I did it. She sent the wheel of control I think it is on my original thread and lots are on it 😢 she said he is very controlling and she sounded quite worried. We had quite a lengthy chat and I told her everything. I have a sticky point though that I’ll share when I can.

Thanks for your strength everyone and for trying to help me see mine.

Well done for contacting women’s aid. I hope you can work through the sticky point and hope you know there is no judgement here but take your time.
the last from women’s aid is right to feel concerned. Abusers are dangerous x

Thank you. I was very open and have some questions answered but the clarity has left me deflated and a bit stuck. I just can’t speak it yet which makes me wonder where my journey will go. I need to have as much control as possible.

I hate domestic abuse.

What ever it is, give yourself time to process it, your journey will be forward bound. You can and you will x

Thank you. I felt like that this morning but now im not sure I can xx

I think you are processing the info, they may have said things that are daunting to you. I can imagine they did. Just remember their advice is to keep you safe and you probably don’t realise how dangerous your husband is. I fear for you with the summer holidays coming up as that’s more isolation for you x

@Beckaboop21345 see, you’re already making positive steps. You were brave a took a big risk but it’s a step in the right direction, you can and you will get out.

I was lucky today. He’s been distant from me, very quiet. He could have been watching me on the camera in the garden but I didn’t care. I had an audio book playing. I just took the chance. It took over an hour for someome to be free on the chat but I had some time.

Im just a bit down now. I’ve took some magnesium to help me settle and I went to a stretch class this evening. Nearly cried on the mat.

Dont worry about me in the holidays @goodThingGonewrong. I’m planning lovely things with the kids, we’ll be busy and they’ll have a great summer. I think we’ll go to a zoo the first week as DD is desperate to go, DS not so much 😂 I’m going to need a lot of money! We’re going to Greece towards the end of the holidays too. It’ll be lovely xx

there’s a more confident air about you and well done contacting WA, that’s a massive step. I can imagine it’s difficult to process what they said and rethinking your situation but you seem to be making good progress. You are strong x

Just checking in @Beckaboop21345, I had lost your thread but I've managed to find you now!

I'm glad you're having some lovely times with the DC, and I'm hugely impressed that you managed to contact WA today - despite him being in the house - just another example of how brave you are.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you, I love the mantra you've adopted; "I can and I will", it's perfect because like I've told you several times now; I have no doubt that you will get where you need to be, both physically and mentally.

You continue to apologise for posting, but it's literally the point of Mumsnet! If we didn't want to read your posts, we wouldn't be here, there are plenty of other threads. We are happy that you have somewhere you can come when you need to talk, and the support that you receive here is given freely. Never an apology needed.

Thank you for all being lovely and kind. I know I say that a lot with the sorrys too, but I do mean it.

We don’t always see our own strength do we? It takes a huge about or courage to reach out, I know I’m working hard. I don’t know where my head is at. I don’t see it as bad and I even said to the lovely lady at WA chat that the SA no longer really bothers me, it does for a couple of days sometimes but then I’m completely numb and accepting. I think it’s maybe a survival response, as I have to keep going and I can’t live in constant distress.

last week or two I was incredibly low, my friend said my brain and body can’t cope. I didn’t have plans to end my life but I did think that the world would be better without me. I’ve come across a site called “Reasons to stay” where you get a random encouraging letter. They really helped even if I couldn’t connect to the words at the time. Seeing that people don’t how to write, but choose to take the time and send something in that could uplift and support is so touching and reminds me that there’s good in the world xx

Did you mention to WA you do want to leave? Hopefully they can help you put a plan in place as half their battle is waiting for someone to want to leave, but knowing that you want to, they will be able to help you put a practical plan in place now you are engaging them more. I think its a great step forwards using the chat function and I have no doubt they would be able to help you make a plan to leave.

Knowing what I know now, I don’t know if I want to leave. It’s will take something stronger than a storm in me to be able to. They can put a plan in place and support I’ve been told, but there’s a chance SS will be involved and I won’t be able to deal with that unless I absolutely want to leave. The thought of it alone is making me not want to be here anymore so I think if that happened I would have a major breakdown and not be fit for anything or anyone, especially my children. It’s invasive and I’ve been invaded enough.

It’s just made me realise that if I do leave, I have to be completely ready and sure I myself it’s what I want.

Also I know leaving will be very lonely and isolating. I have an amazing friend, but she cancels on me all the time and she’s part of my safety plan and is my support network IRL. I’m scared that I’ll need her and she won’t be there and will let me down.

My local, authority led DA service wouldn’t even engage in a conversation with me unless I provided all my details, my children’s and my husbands first. They wouldn’t even talk me through what I was experiencing. I’ve had better experiences with charity focused ones, just all of it is a bit much.

i was foolishly hoping that I could maybe have some support or attend a freedom programme or something to help me build strength first but I know now that’s not possible. It’s all or nothing and I’m not ready for the all yet. I’m so glad I didn’t leave last month now because what could’ve come after would’ve been horrendous xx

@Beckaboop21345 i don’t have any experience of how DV/DA services work and the realities of leaving a situation like yours, especially with children, but it’s good you now know more. Knowledge is power, you may not be ready to leave yet but you can work on getting to that point, even if it’s not going to be soon. As much as all of us would like to drive over to your house and remove you from this situation immediately, ultimately only you know the decisions that are the right thing for you and your children IRL. We’re just here to let you vent and offer words of comfort, although I wish it could be more.

I know. I understand that it’s probably really difficult to understand and to read at times. I struggle to get my head around it and I thought I’d be moving forward emotionally quicker than I am. I have to make peace with where I am at now. Me and the kids get to enjoy trips out, they have their clubs and I’m going to a workout class 3 times a month now. It’s not all doom and gloom. I can find joy and just wait for when things feel different. I totally get now why you have to feel ready as there’s other things to overcome when you leave. Being mentally strong is so important for my DCs sake, and I know now I would crumble. I have to be sure and ready to be able to survive. I know my limits quite well in how my body and mind reacts. When I had counselling it took a long time and we had lots of breaks during sessions because my window of tolerance is so small.