Seeking gentle support after recognising abuse and coercive control

[Becksta1]

Hello. I posted on here last July and the previous post can be seen following this link.
It was kindly suggested to me to consider doing another post to maybe get further support. I’m not sure where I’m at emotionally and truly what I want. It’s a process I guess and I think it will be a long tough one 😞
I can’t really say what I need but I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid who have said there’s sexual abuse, financial abuse and coercive control in my relationship of 24 years. Any support, gentle advice, or a virtual shoulder to lean on is much appreciated.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5370025-husband-wont-let-me-do-the-food-shop?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Becksta1 this “friend” is not your friend. I understand you would not feel able to tell him to stop messaging her but this a a massive disrespect on both their parts. Don’t confide in her anymore, she’s self serving and doesn’t have your best interests at heart x

I thought that but I didn’t like feeling like I was insecure, I can’t think of another way to put it. I always doubt my thoughts and what is healthy and unhealthy. Hubby doesn’t have many male friends at all and I’ve always been happy with him having female friendships, even when he’s flirted with them because I don’t feel worthy and ultimately I know he’ll do it anyway so feeing upset just is more exhausting and painful.

ill still see this friend because i can be social but i think I might keep things light with her in the future. Luckily my other very close friend doesn’t see him much as we live in different towns so she hasn’t been sucked in. She said he just seems like he’s trying to hard.

Please don't apologise - you don't owe us anything, take it all at your own pace.

This woman is NOT your friend.

If your children end up in a similar situation when they grow up, what would you want them to do? Are your own parents still around, and would they help you?

Remember that this isn't a healthy place for your children to grow up in, they will be affected, even if you think they haven't noticed anything. The school can definitely help you - they helped my former neighbour to get away from her abusive partner.

You'd also be prioritised for social housing as a victim of domestic abuse. You can build confidence through hobbies (gym dance class etc) which will help you feel more confident about finding a job. You'll be entitled to benefits and you can look up how much here: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ in my area you'd get around £1900 a month if unemployed.

Use this time to get your ducks in a row. Even if you stay, not judgement if you do, it won’t do any harm.

I got a job in a school so I was off in the school holidays. The job I applied for was full time but I noted on the application form I would be seeking a job share. I worked 2 days per week to start with but it’s increased in hours. Employers are much more flexible since Covid.

Do as much as you can for DC, stuff that you can evidence like dental appointments, etc. is important.

Keep in touch with WA.

Okay so I just googled about the food shop thing to see if anyone else could relate and the Daily Record did an online article about it not long after I posted on here last July. I foolishly didn’t think about this and when I looked it up on there facebook page the comments were horrible. It never crossed my mind that journalists could be using stuff from mumsnet and sharing it.

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/family-relationships/my-husband-tears-because-wont-35524894.amp

@Becksta1 the Daily Mail are low. Please don’t read the comments on Facebook, usually the people that comment on DM articles usually have less than half a brain cell. Your situation is not trivial. Controlling the food shop is just one way he abuses you.
By reading both threads there is emotional, financial and sexual abuse.

I wouldn’t want my children to have my life but they do have me. They’ll always have me and my net. I have parents but there was abuse there which is why I had PTSD. There was dirty stuff too. I try with my mum because she has incurable cancer. I have my sisters but they have a good relationship with my parents, so I can’t go to them. And they live 90 miles away. I do have my best friend (not the one that likes my husband) but her mum passed away suddenly in December so I try not to worry her. She told me she was worried about me a couple of weeks ago and I hated that I’d worried her.

I feel so much guilt and shame sharing what I’ve shared. The hard things with these posts is that I sound all negative about my hubby when there’s so much good there too.

I’m sorry

Again, you have nothing to be sorry for.

It sounds like your actual best friend wants you to talk to her. When someone says they're worried about you, that means they want to help you.

That Daily Record article strongly implies that your DH is pathetic, and it doesn't even mention the far more egregious abuse. Do ignore Facebook comments - they probably haven't even read the article, let alone your posts on MN.

I know you struggle to have opportunities to contact organisations, but Surviving Economic Abuse has a lot of advice and guides that may be helpful. Your bank will also have a domestic abuse/vulnerable customer team that can help. https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/understanding-economic-abuse/am-i-experiencing-economic-abuse/

Nothing to be sorry about @Becksta1
A great many women in abusive relationships feel bad for being open and honest with what is going on at home. None of the is your fault.

Thank you. I have a rubbish nervous system and get easily overwhelmed. Thank you for the links, I will have a look.

I think maybe it comes from feeling unworthy. My BF knows I don’t really have anyone and I was worried that she felt like she had to be there and I don’t want that especially with the loss of her mum. I know that she loves me and does care, which is progress for me as a year ago I didn’t believe anyone could ever love me.

even with my wobbles, I am honestly so grateful.

Please do meet up with your best friend as soon as you can. She sounds great. Support goes both ways - she can talk about her mum, and you about your husband.
Maybe she could come to the GP with you, or book an appointment for you?

What do you do on Sunday?
Could you develop religion and start going to church.
Any church. The nearest.

Just to try to open out your horizons a little.
See other people.
Not be so restricted.
Or would this be impossible.
You would have to announce it in a matter of fact way or leave a note and just go.
Having forgotten your phone of course...
Don't ask his permission.
Nor discuss it.
If he presses say it's between you and God.

Little steps towards being less of a prisoner.
It's like there's an invisible force field around you which sounds an alarm if you approach it
And he reels you back in.
But it needn't be so forever.

I’m going to see her next Monday. It was my friend who gently told me that relationship isn’t healthy. We both tried to ring WA together in March from her phone but we only had an hour and couldn’t get through. I’m kinda glad she wasn’t with me when I made the call as I don’t want her to hear all that he’s done.

Shes a diamond though and her treating me so well is kinda what started to make me feel different about my marriage. People have always took from me, and she hasn’t. It’s a genuine loving friendship. I’ve held her and still hold her through her grief, she’s a lot like me in that we both don’t want to worry each other! Friendships are so important and I’m very lucky to have her.

He wouldn’t like that. He’s very anti religion. I’m quite a spiritual person, but not the church as such. I go to women’s circles once a month and I try not to talk about it with him because although I can go, he makes fun of me and my spirituality. The church would be a no go.

Do please, when you have an opportunity, talk to someone at your DC's school about your situation. They won't pressure you to do anything but will support you in any way that you would like, whether that is allowing you to use the phone, or even asking you to volunteer to read with some children, to give you a reason to leave the house.

One school that I worked in saved all the dinner money change for one mum as an 'escape fund'.

Is he older than you OP?

No, were both the same age.

@Becksta1 good morning, I hope you are feeling a little better and a bit less alone?

Can I ask, did your husband know that you were sexually abused early into your relationship?

I also wanted to say - as your husband is very controlling, please make sure your mumsnet account isn’t sending replies to your email account. Also clear your browser and make sure he doesn’t notice your time on your phone with us. I hate giving this kind of advice as it should not be like this but you need to keep safe and have a life line out of the home and away from you husband

This is excellent advice @Becksta1
Readonh volunteer is a great way to get out of the house and also to get you help.

Good morning. I’m a bit brighter today thank you.

He does know. We got together at 16 and I wasn’t open about who abused me (there’s been more than one) but he knows about one when I was 13. I don’t go into details and he’s never wanted to know, but I told him to give him a get out and in the hope that maybe he would understand me better. I just thought it was fair for him to know. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him. I was under MH at the time for anorexia and he came to a couple of appointments for support.

Is it easy to turn the emails off? I am deleting them and removing from the bin when I can. He’s very techy and works in tech and I did accidentally discover last year that he’d been logged into my phone but I did log him out. I have checked my phone and there’s nothing suspicious on there and I don’t tend to leave it lying around.

I will definitely take on board what you said about volunteering at the school. I live in a market town and lots of the teaching staff live locally so I worry about them knowing anything personal. I don’t want to be gossiped about.

Hi @Becksta1 Apologies for the delay. A safety plan is a plan that is done iwth DV victims in case they need to leave quickly. Things like

copy documents you may need (even photos)
keep a packed bag somewhere safe (friend or relatives house)
Space keys hidden somehwere safe

If your husband is techie a few things you can do

Do a full reset on your phone. It will mean resinstalling apps but it will remove any spyware he may have installed.

Change all passwords and click "log out of all devices" when you do (google etc will do this)

Change usernames

Change main phone login

Rememeber that when you are connected to home wifi then your internet traffic can be tracked so stay on mobile when on sites you don't want seen (even incognito tabs if connected to wifi can be seen if you're tech savvy)

You can stop the Mumsnet emails under Settings > More settings > Notifications > Email notifications.

I don’t have any experience dealing with this OP, but just want to send you a hug and hope you get the gentle support you need to feel so much better soon 💐💐💐